Sunday, December 29, 2013
Today is another fat day for me. I spent the day cleaning and I even shampooed the carpets. I tried to stay active all day so hopefully burned some calories that way. I didn't purge my lunch which was stupid. We ate out. I had two pancakes, 1 egg and two pieces of ham. I feel like such a piggy. And lately I look like one too. I'm wearing a big hoodie to cover up my disgusting body.
I did end up taking 7 laxies today. Probably too much, but honestly, my weight needs to go down. I need to lose some weight. I'm repulsed by my body. Alright that's enough bitching. I hope to do another update a bit later. Lots of love.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Waist: 26" UGH
The following are my goals:
In other news, T and I are back together. Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. We have been going through a lot of shit in these past couple of years. The fighting was getting out of control. But since I've been back, things are going pretty well. I'm working on expressing my emotions and thoughts to him more, and he is working on his anger. It's been less tense around here.
I've also been working on my relationship with the boys a lot more. I'm trying to spend more time with them and do things that they are interested in. I took the both of them to Estes Park a couple days for a drive, and then we took my youngest back up there today. Went to a few shops, out to lunch and just enjoyed the day together. It was nice.
I've been struggling with keeping food down, probably ever since I left T, but I was hoping that since I've been back it would get better. But even today, 3 hours after eating lunch, I still didn't keep it down. I'm still taking the laxies, about 4 a day, but they aren't doing anything to lower my weight. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. All I know is that I am feeling so down on myself, hating the way that I look and the numbers on the scale.
I would love to see what others see in me. They tell me I'm beautiful and that I have a great body, but I don't see it. When I look in the mirror, all I see is fat, cellulite, and pudgy. I look at old pictures of me when I was heavier, and I have a mixture of emotions. My hair was healthy and long. My boobs were awesome. I like what I see there. But looking at my face, stomach, and legs, I get disgusted. I can't believe I ever let myself get that big.
I am making a promise to myself right now that I will never let myself get that large again. I don't want to ever get above 110lbs. That is the weight that scares me. I mean, so does the 100lbs that I am at now, but if I get any heavier, I'm afraid that I will full blow relapse and this time, there will be no going back.
I'm sorry I am so absent, but I swear that I will start being better at blogging. Tomorrow I will catch up as much as I can on all of you lovely ladies' blogs. I miss you all so much and I miss talking to you and reading all about what's going on in your lives. Lots of love.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
My six year old is on medication for his mental issues. And I'm looked down for resulting to medication. I lose my patience and have days where I want to strangle my children. I have moments when I want to lock myself in my room, put my headphones in and cry. I spank my children because I believe they won't learn their lesson without discipline.
I love my children unconditionally. I love on them every chance I get. They get kisses and hugs from me constantly. I take them to every appointment that they need to go to. I kiss their boo boos, pick their noses, help them brush their teeth. I don't talk down to them, even if the choices they make are not the smartest. I encourage them in everything they do. I snuggle them when they're sick.
So as you can tell, being a mom is a tough job, especially with two special needs kids. But then we put my ED on top of it all, and it makes it that much harder. With ED thoughts running around in my head constantly, sometimes it's hard for me to focus on my children. I run myself ragged and to the point of exhaustion. Because on top of taking them to their appointments, I have to take myself to mine as well. If I had to break it up in percentages, my ED thoughts and behaviors take up about 50%, my children take the other 50%. I also have to squeeze time and energy into the house, T, and friends.
My children have seen me at my sickest. I've had to rely on T to help me with them when I was sick and didn't have the energy to do anything. I couldn't get off the floor by myself, let alone lift my youngest to put him in his crib when he was younger. I've had to explain to my 6 year old what was wrong with me without going into too much detail.
Through all of this, I've kept fighting, for them. They are my world and I wouldn't change one thing about them. Although some days I feel like giving in, or not picking up toys, changing diapers or making dinner, I still do so. There are nights when I make hamburger helper or a frozen pizza instead of going all out to make something a bit healthier. But my kids have food in their bellies, a roof over their head, clean clothes to wear, and most of all, they have stability. I will always put their needs in front of my own.
So for all those people that have told me that I was being selfish over the last two years because I was killing myself with my ED, I hope I've given you some insight to what it's like to be a mom and living with such a disease. It's not easy some days, but I do the best I can. My kids are loved and they have everything they could ever want and need.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
As far as my recovery goes, I am at 97lbs. Have been all week. I'm eating all my meals and still going to the gym. My arms and legs are starting to become more toned. I just wish I could do something about my stomach. I am still embarrassed by it. I am still having my fat days. These days are probably the roughest on me. I know that I am not "fat" by any standards, but that little voice in my head can't and won't shut up. When I sit down, I sometimes feel like my stomach is bulging out.
I wish that I saw what everyone else sees in me. I've actually had people tell me that I am model material and that I am beautiful. But I just don't see it. Everyday I spend so much time making myself look good. I do my hair, I put my makeup on, but I don't feel like it helps at all.
Like I said, my emotions are all over the place. I just don't feel good enough.
Monday, November 25, 2013
On the eating disorder front, I seem to be doing pretty well. I've only slipped twice since I've been home. I regret it, but as you know, when that feeling comes, it kind of overwhelms you. I've put on 5lbs since I've been home. So as of right now, I am at 96lbs. Getting closer to those triple digits. The thought of that still scares me. I don't know what it is, but I'm terrified of getting to 100. My ultimate goal weight is 110lbs.
I've been going to the gym all week. T got a membership at the same gym as me, so we have been going together. It's kind of nice to have some company. I can't do any cardio just quite yet. I run out of breath too quickly and my heart rate gets entirely too high. I think it's because of my smoking recently. I'm at over a pack a day. It's terrible. But I'm enjoying going to the gym. My legs look awesome and so does my butt ;-) Maybe I'll post a pic on my next post.
I wanted to say a big thank you to every single one of my readers. Whether I know you personally, or here through blogger, you all make me feel so very special. I can't believe how many friends I have made through my blog and how close I have become to so many of you. And I want to say a big thank you to Bella. Your email made me cry and I apologize for not writing you back right away. But I wanted you to know that I feel so much closer to you after reading your email. As for the rest of you, thank you for loving me, praying for me, and supporting me. You have no idea how much all of your comments mean to me. So thank you. I hope you're all doing well. Lots of love.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
I feel like I've got nothing left to give.
A word that people shy away from,
Incest; it's only happened to some.
I hurt inside everyday quietly,
It feels like I'm dying silently.
My body's been used my whole life,
It's the reason why I hold this knife.
The images of my past always haunt me,
I wish I could lock them away and lose the key.
I'm drowning in my own self hate,
It seems this was written as my fate.
I've tried so hard to forget my past,
I wonder if my next breath will be my last.
I'm hurting so bad,
I always seem to be so sad.
Tears fall silently down my face,
Dear Lord, get me out of this place.
I scream but no one seems to hear,
I seem to be crippled by my fear.
He took something that didn't belong to him,
I pray that he'll pay for his sin.
I was only a child, so innocent and young,
I quietly cried and always bit my tongue.
My innocence and childhood ripped away,
I live with the pain every single day.
I don't ever see forgiveness in my heart,
Instead, I'm slowly falling apart.
I need someone who understands,
That will help me take a stand.
It seems like I will forever suffer,
All at the hands of my brother.
When I got to program, my name is on the nurses white board to have my weigh in. It was killing me not knowing my weight. I told her I felt light headed and she checked my blood pressure. It was 88/56, but my pulse was through the roof. Before I had even made it to breakfast I had made the decision that I was going home. Breakfast came. Too much food to eat and none of it was good. But I finished it just so I wouldn't have to boost.
I found my therapist after breakfast and told her how I was feeling. I felt like a fucking child. I couldn't go to the bathroom when I wanted to, and never by myself. I couldn't go smoke a cigarette when I wanted to. I went from smoking over a pack a day to having one every 4 hours. Of course I was going to be a bitch. I told my therapist that I was wasting my time, their time, and insurance's money. That I could do recovery on my own and that I didn't belong there.
She wasn't happy with me. By this point my eyes were all puffy and red from bawling my eye out. She said that it wasn't me talking, that it was my eating disorder. She said I wasn't well enough to leave. I begged her for her permission but she wouldn't give it to me. So I told her that I was sorry, but I was going home. She proceeded to tell me that I would be discharging against medical advice and that if I ever wanted to come back, my insurance wouldn't cover it.
So I started to try to get the ball rolling on me going home. But no one was cooperating with me. My discharge time kept getting pushed further and further back into the day. So then lunch came. And what a nightmare that was. Thursdays are challenge days, so they took all of us out to Black Eye Pea. I couldn't find anything that sounded good or didn't give me high anxiety. I finally ordered the pot roast, and at a small bit of it. I ended up having to boost when we got back to program. I didn't even want to be out in public because you could tell I've been crying all day.
When we got back to program, I ended up sneaking away and purging my lunch. I didn't really want to, but I was so frustrated, anxious and emotional, and I really didn't want to keep the food in my stomach. I finally started to fill out the discharge papers, and was hoping to get back to the house to pack my stuff and head home. Then I found out that no one is at the house until 6pm so I had to wait til then to get my stuff anyway. So I ended up eating dinner at program too. It was disgusting and I was so frustrated with everyone. So I processed dinner, got in my car and raced back to the house. I was hoping to be gone by the time all the girls got back and I was packing my car up when they pulled up.
One of the girls came up to me and begged me to stay. She said that I was too sick and that it was my eating disorder that wanted to leave. I told her that I appreciated her caring but I knew that I wanted to go home and not stay there any longer. Finally, I got in my car and headed home.
I've been doing pretty good since I got home. I'm eating the majority of my meals and I am up to 94lbs. So I've put on 6 ugly pounds since Monday. I don't feel sexy. I feel huge. But I feel proud of myself. At least I'm doing it. I'm not sure if I'll ever like my body. I didn't at 81lbs, and I didn't at 115lbs. The best I can do is try. The one thing I've noticed is that I do have more energy and I'm able to do things around the house again. So we will see where this journey takes me. I want to thank you all for the continued support and prayers. You girls are what gets me through the dark time. So thank you so much. Lots of love.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
I met with my therapist today. The session is kind of a blur to me. I was exhausted today and drifted in and out of sleep all day. But I do remember telling my therapist that I am a fat cow and that I am not sick enough to be in treatment. That's when she told me that she can tell how tight of a grip my eating disorder has on me. That I am sicker than I think and I need treatment. I was honest with her and told her that I don't really want to be here and the main reason why I came to treatment is so I can be around for my kids. I told her that I am not at all recovery focused and I won't be sad if my insurance doesn't cover longer than the 8 days for me.
I feel guilty for feeling that way, and I know that until I fully want recovery, I am going to be stuck in my eating disorder. But for me, I just don't feel like I need treatment. I don't feel like my eating is that disordered. I don't feel like I'm underweight. I still feel like I could lose some weight. That another 10lbs won't jeopardize my health. There are other girls out there who deserve to be in treatment way more than I do.
I handed over my laxatives to the staff this morning, but only after taking some to get me through the day. Now I officially don't have any and I've already had several anxiety attacks about it. They are my crutch and they are what get me through each day. Knowing that I won't have them for me to take tomorrow morning is freaking me out. I can't promise that I won't go out and buy some the next chance I get alone. They can't just expect me to quit cold turkey. In fact, my psychiatrist told me yesterday that it might do some damage if I quit taking them all at once. That it might be a better idea for me to taper off of them.
So all in all, I am not doing that great. I can't stand all of this food. I feel like a beached whale. There are way too many emotions for me to process at one time. And to top everything off, I think I'm coming down with a cold. I'm miserable. But that doesn't surprise me. Maybe I am one of those people that can't be happy unless they're miserable. I hope you all are doing well. Lots of love.
Monday, November 11, 2013
It was a very long and emotional day for me. I didn't do much crying. Not saying that I didn't want to, because I did. But for some reason, the tears wouldn't come. It felt like there was an invisible wall blocking them. I ate lunch and dinner at program, which was especially hard for me. It's the first food I've kept inside me in... well, I don't know how many days. I did take 6 laxies before I got to program, which caused me all kinds of pain today. I know that I need to turn my laxatives over to the staff tomorrow, and that is creating a high amount of anxiety for me. I'm not sure I am ready for that. The doctor did order me some Miralax but I know that it don't work near as good for me. I was honest with everyone today and told them that I have become addicted to the laxatives and that it's going to be hard for me to kick them. I am freaking out about giving them away.
Today was a whole lot of filling out paperwork and meeting my treatment team. Tomorrow will be my first whole day. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. All three meals. Ugh, I'm already dreading it. I'm trying to be positive about all of this, but it's so hard because I feel so uncomfortable full. And it's been 4 hours since dinner. And starting tomorrow I'll probably have a night time snack.
Ok now I'm just rambling. I will try to compose a better post tomorrow. Lots of love.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
My mom is up here for the day. We went to Kohl's and got me a couple more shirts for while I'm gone, and a robe. Afterwards, she took T and I out to lunch. I had an anxiety attack looking at the menu. Everything was deep fried or covered in grease. I chose something small and easy to purge. While waiting for our food, I took 6 more laxatives. That makes 12 so far for the day, and nothing is happening. I'm starting to freak out. What if I go into treatment tomorrow and they put me on the scale and I've gained 4lbs from the fattening foods I ate today? Maybe 6 more laxatives and that will be it for the day.
I dropped the boys off with their dads this weekend. I cried. I am going to miss them so much. My youngest didn't want me to go. He kept holding onto my hand and telling me that he loves me. It pretty much broke my heart. And then there's T. I don't know how I'm going to handle being away from him so long. I've been thinking that I won't send him any pictures of me while I'm gone so he can see the difference when I come back. I'm going to miss our mornings, just smoking and talking.
I'm just rambling. I apologize. I'm just an emotional wreck and don't know how I'm going to handle all of this. I hope everyone is doing well.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
The bad news?: I'm nervous as fuck. I am scared. I am about to have an anxiety attack.
T asked me why I'm nervous. Like he said, I know what to expect. But in reality, I'm terrified of gaining the weight. The triple digits scare me. I know that my healthy weight is around 110, but to me, that just seems like so much.
I feel like I need to lose more weight before I go. That's sick I know, but I feel like I need to be the tiniest there. If I could just lose a few more pounds before Monday, then I'll still be ok.
I'm going to miss my boys so much when I'm gone. They don't know how long I'll be gone. But I know I won't be here for Thanksgiving. Ugh, Thanksgiving. One of the times of the year that all of us can't stand. I wonder how they will do Thanksgiving in treatment. I hope they won't try to over feed us. That would be a nightmare.
Well I don't have much more to talk about, but I thought I would let you all know what is going on with that. Maybe I'll do a proper update this evening. Lots of love.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
While typing this, I'm thinking to myself, if it hurts so much, and it has all these negative effects on you, then why put yourself through it? Well honestly, it's for that empty feeling. With my blood sugar levels being so low, I know that I must eat to keep myself from passing out again. But damned if I keep it in there. Which is counter-productive, I know. I feel empty, but still feel heavier. Which leads me to believe I still didn't get it all. Even now, I'm thinking about running off to the bathroom once more to see if I got it all. But I'm out of Sprite, so if there is anything left, it will be more painful than last time.
In other news, I drove 30 minutes yesterday to meet with this new psychiatrist, just to find out that my appointment was actually at 1, not at 2. So after a big hurrah and me getting extremely pissed, they rescheduled my appointment for Friday morning. I called EDCD (the treatment center) to let the admissions lady know what happened, then she turned around and called my insurance this morning and kind of lit a fire under that lady's ass for giving me the wrong time. She called me back and told me to get the lab work from the hospital visit over the weekend, fax it to her and she'll fax it to my insurance. They can come up with a decision as early as this afternoon. After talking with the admissions lady, we decided that this coming Monday would be best for me to start. But that's only if my insurance approves me. I took a look at my lab work and the only things that were a little on the low side were my red blood cell count and my potassium. But not enough to worry about I guess.
My weight did go back down to 91lbs this morning. So that's a plus. I got worked up over nothing. I'm not sure what happened for my weight to go up 2lbs yesterday, but it made for a really cranky day. I hate that my weight determines what my day and mood is going to be like. I'm sure you all can relate. So a big thank you for all the comments and reassuring remarks on yesterday's post. I really appreciate it. Even the ones that weren't sugar-coated. It really helped. Lots of love.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
I need to be empty. I need to not eat. I'll never get into treatment being the fat ass that I am right now. They will take one look at me and laugh. I'm not sure how I gained those 2lbs back. Yesterdays intake was low, plus purging and laxatives. I just don't understand. I must not be disciplining myself enough. I'm letting myself get away with shit that is causing me to be fat. That changes today. I had my bowl of cereal, took 6 of my laxies, and that's it for the day. No more food and more laxies. That's the only way I'm going to be skinny.
I meet with a new psychiatrist today. It was a necessity in order for me to qualify for treatment. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's just another person I have to pour my heart out to in hopes that she might be able to help me. In case they haven't realized, I'm broken. I'm not fixable.
My mom said to me yesterday after finding out why I was in the hospital Saturday night, "I thought you were happy. Why are you trying to kill yourself?" I then tried explaining to her that I'm depressed and my eating disorder is the only aspect in my life which I have any control over. It's my only way to cope with how I feel. I don't know if she will ever understand. But that's ok. She doesn't have to. No one does. This is my illness and I've got to figure out a way to deal with it.
According to my therapist, she wrote down a goal for me to eat an apple a day since last Friday to this coming Friday when I see her. I haven't ate one. She also wanted me to keep at least one dinner down this week. I haven't done that either. She's going to be very disappointed in me. My uncle also wanted me to stop taking my laxies. That hasn't happened. I'm just letting everyone down around me. But as I told T this morning, this is such a heavy boulder to carry around all by myself. I can't put it down because I rely on it, but I can't carry it myself because it's going to crush me. So instead I'm stuck. Just holding it on my shoulders. I hope you're all doing well.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
The ground had a thin layer of snow on it. It was a sign to just stay in and enjoy the warmth of coffee and watching movies with my youngest. After my first morning cigarette, I joined my son on the couch, snuggled with my favorite blanket and watched a movie. Afterwards, I found some motivation to get dressed and go to the gym. I had to work off my 200cal bowl of cereal. After the elliptical and lifting weights, I felt lighter, better, emptier. Came home and took a hot, relaxing shower.
And like I said before, the rest of my day has been pretty uneventful. I ate a small apple for lunch, which I kept down because I had already taken 6 laxies at that point. Took my son to his dads, came home and played some games on my phone while enjoying the peace and quiet with the TV softly playing in the background.
My oldest came home, I made dinner for all the kids. T had to work two and a half hours away, so I knew it was going to be a long night. I did not eat dinner. I feel content right now. I started getting a bit hungry, had a few bites of lime Jell-O(40cal) and made myself a cup of coffee. With my extremely low intake and going to the gym today, I am hoping for a loss tomorrow. I'm tired of the scale telling me the same thing for the past 5 days. I'm ready for a change.
The treatment center finally got a fax with my lab results, so the admissions lady will send off my paperwork to my insurance tomorrow. Hopefully I'll hear some sort of news by tomorrow afternoon. I have a pretty busy day ahead of me tomorrow. My oldest son's Halloween party is in the morning, which I volunteered to help with, then my son has therapy in the afternoon. After all of that, it will be trick or treating time. I am going to wear my costume for the whole day. Probably get some weird looks lol. Well I am going to finish off my coffee and watch the Anna Nicole documentary that I recorded earlier. Hope you all have a wonderful evening/day. Lots of love.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
The water works began after lunch today. Went to Taco Bell, had a spicy bean burrito and an empanada. Couldn't go to the bathroom cuz I had my son with me, so I stopped at a gas station on the way home, ran in real quick, locked the bathroom door behind me and bent over the toilet. For 3 straight minutes of my finger down my throat, nothing came up. I spent the next 20 minute car ride home crying, beating myself up, and planning to cut when I got home.
When I got home, I had to pee, so I'm sitting there and look at the wastebasket right next to me. I decide to give it a try even though I knew it was a lost cause. But just then, to my surprise, everything I ate for lunch came up within a couple minutes. I felt so relieved and happier afterwards. I didn't have the urge to cut myself and the crying subsided. I'm just ready for it to be the kid's bedtime. I'm so tired. And they have so much energy. Where does it all come from?
So as you can see, I got a hair up my butt to change my blog all around. So not only did I change the colors and the background, but I also added tabs up at the top. It took me forever to figure out how to do it, and with a little help from J, I was able to do it. So now all of you can put faces to the 3 most important boys in my life. My bucket list is not complete. There are still so many things I want to add to it. But it's a start. And then there is my contact me page. You all are free to get a hold of me anytime. Just let me know who you are. I'm especially excited to start using Skype again. I haven't used it in forever. So much so that I started a new account. So please, talk to me. =) I hope you all are having a lovely day. Lots of love.
Monday, October 28, 2013
With that being said, my mom came up today for her birthday. It was a pretty lovely day. We went and met with my son's therapist, then went to Best Buy so she could buy herself a new video game. Yeah, my mom's a gamer, be jealous ;) After that I took her out to lunch. I knew this was going to be tricky because just an hour before I finally revealed to her how I've relapsed and am purging and using laxatives again. Ultimately I got 3 plates of food but probably only ate about 400 calories. So my total intake for the day was an ugly 600cal. I'm not counting dinner because I purged most of it and worked off the rest of it. But I will be pissed if my weight goes up tomorrow.
My blood work came back from the doctors. It was all normal, as usual. So I asked my doc to fax the treatment center a copy so they can get the ball rolling on sending everything off to insurance. I'm not really getting my hopes up this time like I did back in January just to be turned down again. T keeps asking me what my back up plan is if I don't go into treatment. He told me this morning that right now I am going down one of two paths; either I am going to recover or I am going to die. There is no in between for me anymore. I don't think I have a backup plan, and if I don't come up with one, it will only be a short time before Ana kills me off. That would make her happy. Then I wouldn't be such a burden any longer.
My weight has been stuck at 92 for 3 days now. I was pretty upset about gaining a pound from Friday to Saturday, so if I could just lose that pound, I'll be happy, for a minute anyways. As always, I hope you're all doing well. Lots of love.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
I am happy that I lived another year, but I'm disappointed that I haven't made any progress in my eating disorder. I'm only 3lbs heavier than I was when I started this blog. And that's after the fact I made it all the way down to a deadly 81lbs. T and I have experienced a lot of issues over this past year. Mostly because of my eating disorder or working at the club. I am so lucky that I've had him here by my side over the course of this last year.
Thank you all so very much for all your support on my post yesterday. I was feeling pretty shitty about myself after the sushi incident, but all of your comments lifted my spirits. The Halloween party was pretty decent. Except I drank way too fast on an empty stomach and got drunk pretty quickly. I threw up a bit in the bathroom, but there was one chick who threw up all over herself and the kitchen floor. It was pretty nasty.
Today has been an ok day so far. My youngest son woke me up at 7:30 this morning. So I started cleaning the house. Got that done in a couple hours, took my friend back home, came back and we had an early dinner. We ordered from a sandwich place and when I ordered my food I specifically told them no mushrooms(I can NOT stand mushrooms.) Get my sandwich and of course it had mushrooms on it. So I ate a small bit of my broccoli and cheese soup (about 75cal). With my one piece of sushi(58cal), which was not purged, and my bowl of cereal(200cal) this morning, I am at about 333cal for the day. Not bad. I haven't decided if I am going to keep the soup down. I'm experiencing the feeling of being full. Ugh.
I am so excited for tomorrow. It's my mother's birthday and she is coming up to spend the day with me. I really hope she likes her gifts. I put a lot of thought into them. So I'm going to spend the rest of this evening making her birthday cake and watching football. I hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
I was having so much control over my eating, until my friend and I walked down to the grocery store and I bought some sushi. I ate 3 fucking pieces. Ugh I was so mad at myself. We walked back home and I went into the bathroom to purge but only one piece came up. Now my head hurts from purging so hard and my stomach is upset because it's still full and probably the laxies as well.
The costume I bought for the party is so freaking cute. I'm extremely nauseous and just want to sleep away the rest of the day. I hate myself. I hate that I let myself eat like that. I hate that I failed at purging. I let myself down.
Maybe I'll update properly later, but for now, I'm just mad at myself.
Friday, October 25, 2013
My fears and anxiety are taking over my daily life. But they always have to be put on the back burner because my life does not call for attention to be brought to myself. I am expected to take care of everyone else. Which actually I'm not complaining about because I enjoy being the caretaker. I like the feeling of being needed.
I had my phone assessment with the treatment center about an hour ago. The lady is different from the last one I dealt with, but she was very nice and understanding. She patiently listened and took notes on the other side of the phone. I cried, and she had me relive so much of my past. As if I don't already live with my past, but having to openly discuss the abuse or rapes or losing my beloved brother makes it more depressing. This lady told me that she isn't even sure my insurance is going to cover me because, are you ready for this; "your weight isn't at the lowest it's ever been. You might not be sick enough." Yes, that is what she said to me. So now we play the waiting game just as we did the last time I was denied.
My oldest son had a med check up this morning. His doctor listened intensely while I described to him my son's behavior not only at home but how he has been at school as well. Parent/teacher conferences did not go well yesterday. My son's teacher described in detail how my son's violent tendencies are starting to show at school. He has been written up for hitting a boy in the stomach and another time for twisting a little girl's arm. I was a bit upset because instead of calling me on the days when these incidents happened, she waited a month or more to tell me. So not only has my son's meds not been working for his ADHD for about a month now, he is becoming more violent. So I'm talking to his pediatrician and he starts talking about the mood disorder my son was diagnosed with last year. Ultimately, his doctor prescribed him a new medication, but not for his ADHD this time, but instead it's an antipsychotic. That's such a scary word. I'm terrified at how my son is going to make it in this world with the way he is. I try my hardest to help him but I feel defeated.
So this is another fear that is overwhelming me today. What is going to become of my son in a world that is so cruel? How is society going to treat him with the labels that he already has and he's only 6. I have countless papers and print outs and a journal full of stuff that has to deal with him. I'm trying. But I'm just a block. This wall I've come to just will not budge. Here we are, just, stuck.
I had a bowl of cereal today. Last night I spent 3 hours to make a 3 layer cake from scratch for T's dad's birthday. It came out beautiful. Tonight we are celebrating his birthday. I am making a simple, delicious dinner for everyone, but I will not eat. With my mood, I know that it will just be purged anyway, so why bother. But it will be a lovely evening, just as long as I don't have to eat. I hope you all are doing well. Lots of Love.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
My weight plummeted over night. I lost 2lbs since yesterday. I can't determine if this is good or bad. There's the big part of me that is happy about it. It's the lowest I've been in months, but I also know that it's not good for me. I know it's mostly because of the laxies I took yesterday. There is something about those little pink pills that are comforting to me. It's like I know when I take them, I don't have to purge what I eat, even though I usually do.
I really do enjoy the feeling of when the pounds melt right off of me. It makes me feel like I finally have control over something. But I also know that control is just an illusion. Do I really have control or is it Ana that has the control? Last night I ate soup for dinner, and ate some more of this delicious brownie I made the night before. I hate that chocolate is my weakness. If I didn't take the laxies or purge, I'm sure that the chocolate would most definitely add the pounds. What is your weakness?
I've been thinking more about treatment. All of your encouraging words have left an impact on my decision. So I called them this morning and talked to the admissions lady. We had about a 20 minute conversation.
She said she isn't sure if my insurance will approve since I applied for treatment less than a year ago, but she sent me the admissions form and medical clearance form to have filled out by my doctor. They want a copy of my labs, which is always frustrating because according to them, my labs are always good, so technically I'm not "medically" sick. I guess I'll just wait to see how everything turns out.
I have a busy day ahead of me. I have parent teacher conferences in a half hour and then I am going over to my uncle's house and help him paint his trailer. He's paying me real good money to do it. So I'm happy about that. But the way my body has been feeling lately, I'm kinda nervous that I won't be able to do it for very long. I've been so weak lately. Last night I could barely pull myself up off the couch. It's getting pretty bad. Well anyway, I'll update later. Lots of love.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
In other news, last night I was watching old Christina Aguilara(sp) videos. She has become my new thinspo. I want to look like she did in the Candyman video. Damn she is so sexy. I've always been jealous of her because of her looks, and OMG that voice; it's amazing. I wish that I could sing like her, much more, look like her.
And by the way, I made one of those videos that I was talking about last night. It was hard to do, but I'm very glad I did it. Here is the link to it. Take a few to check it out and tell me what you think. It took me like 5 times to get it, but I'm satisfied with it.
And finally, I want to take a minute to thank everyone for commenting on my posts. It makes me feel good knowing I am touching some of you with my story. I want to especially thank J for being such a wonderful friend when I've needed you. I look forward to more sleepovers. And I also want to thank Eve for leaving such a wonderful, heartfelt comment on my post last night. I can't put into words how much that meant to me. Every single one of you that reads my blog is so very important to me and you push me to do better. Lots of love.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Thank you all for the lovely comments on my last post and welcome to my new followers. I'm glad more people are finally coming along. It truly makes my day when people take time to follow, read and comment on my posts. It feels like I'm making a difference, and in reality, that's just what I need.
In other news, I took my youngest for his pre-k evaluation this morning. He did a lot better than I thought, and hopefully in a couple weeks I will receive a letter stating whether or not he will be able to attend school earlier than usual. They also told me that with his developmental and speech delays that they will have an occupational and speech therapist in his classroom everyday to help him. Oh that was wonderful news for this momma's ears.
As for my intake today; I had a bowl of Honey bunches of oats for breakfast, a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch, and a banana. Took my 6 laxies and already feeling the affects of those. Ugh some days go very well with them, other days, they just wreak havoc on my body. Today is one of those days. I seriously just feel like laying in bed for the rest of the day.
I don't think I posted about this the other day, but the other night after I purged my dinner, I started having a sharp stabbing pain in my left side of my stomach. At first I thought I just pulled a muscle, but now I'm starting to think it's something more. The pain is still there, and it comes and goes. When it starts, it hurts so bad that if I'm standing up, it has me falling to the closest chair. I'm thinking I should call my doctor and maybe have them schedule me an ultrasound.
T and I started discussing treatment again last night. A part of me wants to go back, but not for the reason you all think. I want to go back because I enjoyed the quiet time after program when I was alone by myself. No responsibilities to cook, or clean the house. It was like a mini vacation. But I know in reality, I'm nowhere close to being sick enough to go back. I was 10lbs smaller before. All the girls there would just think I'm a whale. It's a terrifying thought. Plus I need to find a job to pay for this wedding, and if I go to treatment, that will just take away time and money I could be making. I just can't do it right now.
Anyways, that's what's new in my life. I'm finally getting caught up on everyone's blogs and leaving comments.
Monday, October 21, 2013
I am so disappointed in myself for letting it get out of hand. I haven't ate that much in such a long time. I will not be eating dinner tonight, that's for sure. I can't help but subconsciously count all the calories of everything I ate. That's something I don't think will ever go away. And to top everything off, the number on the scale still didn't change this morning. I think I need either a new scale or a new battery. I'm surprised that scale has lasted as long as it has. After last summer when T stabbed a sword through it; I didn't think it would ever work again. OMG, I just had a terrifying thought. What if it really hasn't been working right and it's been telling me the wrong numbers all along? What if I'm really 10lbs heavier than I think I am? Ugh, that would piss me off.
My youngest was full of piss and vinegar today. He has been defying everything that I have told him to do. It's days like this when I can't wait for him to start school and then I can have time to myself. I'm not sure if I really want alone time, but just time without the kiddos. Does that make me a bad mom? It's just my life is the same boring routine and so mundane. I need some excitement in my life. Maybe that would help with the depression as well. Something's gotta give soon or I'm going to lose my freakin mind.
The other night I smoked a bowl. It's been a long time since I've smoked and when I do it, I don't do it very often. But anyway, it helped relax me like a million times better. I felt happier, I was laughing, and I even ate a half of piece of pie, and some popcorn. Two unsafe foods. So T and I started joking, "how do you get an anorexic to eat? Light her up." We thought it was pretty funny.
So after my youngest wakes up from his nap, I have to take him up to his dad's and then pick my oldest up from school. My youngest has his pre-k evaluation tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous about it because he is so developmentally behind and I'm afraid of what that will mean about him getting into school. I remember taking my oldest to his evaluation and him exceeding in all of the academic features. Unfortunately I know my youngest is a bit academically challenged. I've been worrying about this all week and dreading tomorrow to come. But I guess we'll just see how it plays out. Lots of love.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
I'm on the search for a new job. Preferably a waitressing job. That's one thing I enjoyed about working at the club was having a little bit of money in my pocket everyday. I miss working at the club, but I had to quit. It was doing terrible things with mine and T's relationship. It wasn't worth jeopardizing our relationship for. Plus I didn't realize that I was hurting other very important people in my life working there. I'll miss the wonderful people I've met working there though.
As for my weight, well I'm still stuck. I fluctuated up to 97 but now I'm back down to 94lbs. It's so frustrating because I've been purging my dinner every night and taking laxies every day. I think I'll be forever stuck at this weight. I also had a pregnancy scare this past week. Well I don't know if I'd call it a scare. A small part of me was hoping for the test to come back positive, so I was a bit disappointed that it was negative. But honestly, my health is not anywhere close to healthy enough for a baby right now. Plus I don't think I can get pregnant because I'm underweight. I wish I felt underweight. I feel like a blimp. I haven't gone to the gym in 3 weeks. I'm pretty much just wasting my gym membership.
I'm not sure I mentioned this on my last post, but I have started writing my book, finally. It's a memoir about my life. I'm only on chapter 3, but it's coming along quite nice. My main focus with my book is to get my story out there. I want my story to be heard. I don't know if I'm looking for someone to help me, but I want to help other girls out there that are going through what I've gone through in the past and what I'm currently going through at the moment. Sometimes while I'm writing, I lose my motivation because I feel like there are already so many memoirs out there and so many books about eating disorders. But at the same time, I feel like there is not enough awareness about eating disorders.
Also, I've become very antisocial again here lately. It's just easier for me to keep to myself and not burden other people with all my problems. But honestly, I do miss my friends. I really miss R, but I can't help but be mad at her for abandoning me just because I was a stripper. As my best friend, she was supposed to be here for me no matter what. We've been through everything together, and it seems like it was so easy for her just up and walk away. So needless to say, I've been feeling pretty alone lately. I hope I can pull myself out of this depression soon though. I found myself cutting pretty bad this week. A sick part of me really missed putting that blade to my skin. And I'm glad that T wasn't mad at me when he found out.
I hope this post finds you all well. I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I'm hoping tomorrow I can make some time to go through all of your lovely blogs and catch up on how you girls are doing. Lots of love.
Monday, October 14, 2013
I'm trying so hard to move on with my life; to find my purpose, but it seems like I don't have one, and that is depressing. I'm 24 years old and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I feel stuck in a mental hell that I can't get out of.
My anxiety is so bad that I rarely drive anywhere unless I absolutely have to. My thoughts are constantly racing. I think that's why I'm always in go mode. I need to keep myself busy or memories overwhelm me.
In other news, I've gotten too fat. I'm up 4lbs at 97. I don't know how this happened, but I don't like it. My jeans feel tighter and I feel like a balloon. I can't keep gaining weight or I'm not going to fit into my wedding dress since I'm having it custom made. I need to lose these 4lbs and stay at 93lbs until after the wedding. Maybe I'll go to the gym tonight.
I'm thinking about quitting at the club again. It's tearing my body apart and killing my self esteem even more. The only thing I'm really going to miss about working there is the awesome friends I've made while being there. But the good thing about that is that I'll still be able to be in contact with them. I'm going to spend this week searching for a new job. I'm thinking a waitressing job is what's going to be best because I'll still have money in my pocket everyday.
Sorry for the rambling, I just wanted to do a quick update. Miss all of you lovely ladies.
Monday, October 7, 2013
So I feel like I've let a lot of you down. On Saturday night, I went back to working at the club. It's just temporary until I can find a waitressing job. We desperately need the money for bills and the wedding. I know that most of you girls were happy to hear that I quit, so I'm sorry for disappointing you. I'm not very proud of it, and I don't plan on telling any friends or family this time. It's just easier if it's kept a secret.
I had my first therapy appointment last week with a wonderful woman named Julianne. Unfortunately I don't think she will be my regular counselor. She only works with children and would have to get special permission to be able to see me. But she is the only therapist at the practice that has had experience with eating disorders. It was nice to talk to someone who understood what I was going through. She is the second person who has told me that she is surprised that I haven't turned to substance abuse or alcoholism because of my traumatic past.
I don't know if this is something I should take as a compliment or that I'm just that fucked up in the head. T has said in the last week that my moods are like night and day. He told my doctor that I pretty much only have two moods. Either I'm really happy or really depressed. That there is no happy medium to me. I feel like I'm gonna explode sometimes.
With me working back at the club, I promised T that I was going to feed my body better since I will need the extra protein and calories with all the physical activity I'll be doing. I'm not sure how easy this is going to be for me. I guess all I can do is try and not overwhelm myself with it. I hope you all are doing well.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
I knew I shouldn't have drank last night. I knew the scale would be mean to me. But I did it anyway, and I've regretted it all day. I went up two pounds and I haven't felt comfortable in my body all day today. I know T has noticed and I keep telling him I'm ok but really I'm not. I feel like carving off all of my extra skin. I'm freaking out that I'm just gonna keep gaining weight and I'll be fat in my wedding dress. I feel terribly ugly and unworthy of taking up so much space. I want to be little and unnoticeable. That's the role I deserve to be in. For the past 4 days I've done nothing but beat myself up and pick on myself. I feel like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. I'm pretty sure the next opportunity I've got alone, I'm going to self destruct. My meds aren't helping so they are just adding more to my pill cocktail. I cry whenever I'm alone. Every chance I get. I don't know what to do anymore.
Friday, September 27, 2013
I'm kinda excited because I have a job interview today at 2. It's for a waitress job at a mom and pop restaurant. I don't have any experience, but I believe I have the right personality for the job. Plus they seemed pretty interested while I was filling out the application. I'm nervous to work around food because I know how dangerous that can be for someone like me. The last time I worked food, I worked at Subway and got so fat. Yes, I got fat off of Subway. It's all a matter of self control I guess. I'm sure people I'll end up working with will quickly realize something is wrong with me when they don't see me eat at breaks.
So yesterday after I went to lunch with my friend, we took a walk around the stores and we stopped in a pet store. It really got me thinking about having the service dog I've wanted for about a year now. So the impatient person that I am, I went and picked up T and drove up to the humane society. While we were there, I fell in love with a cute little, dark brown Chihuahua. I NEVER thought I would be one to get a Chihuahua but I spent the 150 dollars and adopted her. I named her Buttercup. And it's amazing how fast she has lifted my spirits. And both of my boys absolutely love her. She loves to cuddle too.
For those of you that saw the dresses I was torn between for my upcoming wedding next year, I ended up picking the blue dress. So now I just have to come up with the money to go ahead and order it. If I end up getting this job, it will be for the soul purpose to pay for the wedding. Hope all is going well. Much love. XOXO Katie
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Over the course of the last couple of years, I have met some very strong ladies who live with this terrifying disease. Each and every one of them is just like me. Some want recovery but don't have the proper support to do so. Some want to recover, but are too afraid to gain weight. Then there are those of us that NEED to recover and gain weight, but are too tight in the grips of the eating disorder.
Last night I finally confessed to T that I have been purging everyday. He was a bit disappointed, but more concerned on how he could help me. I know exactly how this is going to turn out if I continue down this path.
I am back to taking laxies everyday as well. 7 seems to be my average at the moment. I went and saw my doctor the other day, and she is upping the dosage on my Ambilify in hopes of helping with my moods. T told my doctor that as of currently, I have two moods only. Either I'm extremely depressed, crying all the time, or I am in a fantastic mood, smiling all the time. He doesn't see the moods in between, but I am well aware of them being there. There are times when I am happy, but I've got a lot of shit on my mind, so I'm quiet. Most of the time, he takes that as I'm depressed.
I've also been smoking a whole lot more lately. About a pack and a half a day. Sometimes 2. It hasn't been good for me because I can't get over this cough I've had for the past 3 weeks, but I can't quit smoking. It's such a release for me.
I am supposed to meet with a friend for lunch today. Yes, I do plan on purging it. I can't eat out at a restaurant and be able to keep the food down. If I can't track the calories, it's frightening. The main reason why I'm going is because I'm trying to make new friendships and not distance myself from everyone. Last year when my eating disorder took over my life, I made sure I didn't hang around anyone. I isolated myself. I'm not going to let that happen again. If I'm going to embrace Ana, then I am going to be honest with everyone around me.
On a final note, I am starting counseling again next week. I'm not sure how it's going to go. I hate that I have to start with a new therapist. AGAIN. I have been through so many already, and Jenn, my last one, was probably the best I had. I just wish she would have been able to keep me despite my insurance.
I hope this post finds all of you ladies well. Much love
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
With my recent engagement to T, I should be happy. It's not him nor our relationship that I'm not happy with; it's myself. Everything about the person that I have become disgusts me to my core. With throwing myself back into my ed, that just shows how selfish I am. Here I am, not in a better place than I was a year ago. As a matter of fact, was reading my post from a year ago today and I was day 14 in treatment. I was actually in a better place a year ago.
How did I let myself go? I thought I was going to finally beat this thing. Looking back through the events of this past year, there were so many significant times when I hit my lowest, picked myself up off the ground, only to fall back in the dirt.
I'm just a big fat failure. Maybe I'll be more optimistic tomorrow; yeah, probably not.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
On another note, I am a huge fucking whale. I ate entirely too much this weekend. I was only to purge a few times. When I got on the scale on Friday morning, I was down another pound. I was 93, but I bet I'm like 96 today. I feel extremely bloated. I took 6 laxies and an enema today. Now I'm just drinking tea and trying to feel a less bit gross. My face broke out something terrible this past week. I just don't understand why I'm still breaking out so much. I'm 24 years old. This is bull shit.
I will most definitely not be eating tomorrow. I can't even stand looking at myself in the mirror. I have started cutting again, which is a little comforting. It's something that is mine that no one can take away from me, just like my ed.
So I have something pretty heartbreaking that happened Friday night. So my best friend, R, the one that also has an ed and we have been best friends for 12 years, well she texted me out of the middle of nowhere. I haven't talked to her in about a month. We have been trying not to trigger each other, plus she is in a new relationship. Well she texted me and asked what I was up to. I told her that I was working. She asked where my new job was at, and I told her at a strip club. She then proceeded to go off on me about how I have no respect for myself and that she couldn't believe I'd lower myself to the level. Then her last text to me was her saying she couldn't be involved in this friendship any longer because of my job of choice.
This is the girl that held my hand while I birthed my children, while I lay in the hospital bed fighting for my life from my eating disorder, and cried with me through everything. I'm the only friend of hers that didn't leave her side when she told me she was pregnant at 14. We have been through everything together. I didn't even bother telling her that I was quitting that night because I wanted to see her true colors. Yeah, they came through. I can't believe her. I cried in between my dances, fixing my makeup each time.
And for my final announcement; I am an engaged woman! T and I took a spontaneous trip up to the mountains a few hours away, just him and I. We got a hotel room, walked the boardwalk, stopped in some cute shops, went to a nice dinner, and then went and watched fireworks over the lake. He told me he loved me, I said I love you too. Then he said, "so much that," then turned me around, got down on one knee and said, "Katie, will you marry me." And pulled out a beautiful ring. It was absolutely perfect. Fireworks in the background, people all around. So now I am officially his fiancé. We set the date for July 11th of next year. I found a couple dresses that I'm torn between. Here is a picture of the first.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
That following year, her parents decided to get a divorce. She was going to stay with daddy and her brothers were moving away with mommy. She was still a bit young to understand everything just yet. But she would. When she was 5, her dad and her packed all their stuff up and moved to a tiny apartment a couple hours away. No more kitties, or taking care of the corn. Every other weekend she went and spent time with her mom. She loved going over there. Her mom showered her with love, something she had recently lost from daddy. See, daddy was too busy working, going to the bars and not spending time at home. Most days when she came home from school, she would have to climb through the tiny bathroom window to get inside.
Shortly after her 6th birthday, there was a night that changed how her life would end up. Her brother took her to his room and touched and did things to her that she felt weren't right. But he reassured her that it was normal for brothers and sisters to do. This continued for 2 years. She was his little experimentation. His doll to use at his convenience. During this time, she was also raped by her dad's biological brother. Exposed to all this sexual experiences at such a young age would prove to be detrimental to her future.
Fast forward to age 11. New school again. New friends. New crushes. This is the point in her life where her life would be introduced to Ana. Watching television one day, she came across a documentary about eating disorders. Already being pre-disposed to so much in her young life, and starting puberty at 10, she knew what it was like to feel unworthy and fat. Losing weight would make her feel wanted, right? Little did she know that Ana would be around for such a long time. That Ana would be there to hold her hand at her lowest, and her highest moments.
Summer before 8th grade, she went to her first party to impress this guy that she was seeing. While there, she was raped again by a 19-year-old guy. This would lead to her going to a mental hospital and put on suicide watch. The sick thing is, she liked it there better than at home with her dad. A few months later as she is entering the 8th grade, she meets a boy. A boy full of promises. He promised her protection from evil. Of love. Of compassion. Lies, that's all they were.
For the next 3 years of her life, she was used, abused, humiliated and treated like the piece of shit she already knew she was. She was sold for drugs. She was used by his friends in any sick fantasy that they had. Broken nose, ribs, bruises constantly. And still through that all, Ana was holding her hand. But not in the way that she wanted. Instead, Ana was dragging her right down in the mud too. Just re-affirming the fact that she was nothing until she was somebody worth noticing. At the end of the 3 years is when the cutting began. It was self inflicted, so she had the control whether it hurt or not.
After getting hit and raped for the last time, she broke free from that relationship. She promised herself she was going to do better next time and she wasn't going to settle for less. She was going to finish high school, go to college and become a writer. But only a few short months later, she was back in another destructive relationship. This guy convinced her to bear his child so he would have a reason to stay out of jail. She was so fragile still but agreed. She was only 15 when she got pregnant with his child. Needless to say, he left her to deal with the situation. She dealt with it the best she knew how and placed that baby up for adoption. It broke her soul to love a child inside of her for 9 months and that child no longer belong to her. Instead he left the hospital with a brand new family.
Now let's take you to age 24. She has two beautiful sons that she loves with all her heart. A family that loves her. She is constantly surrounded by people but still feels all alone. She cries every night after everyone has gone to sleep. She still longs for that blade against her skin. And yes, Ana is still there. Ever so quietly taunting her from the sidelines. Constantly reminding her that she is still worthless, still fat, and not strong enough to defeat her. All of these reminders are right.
She feels like on the sunniest of days, there is still the black cloud that follows her around. She is the only one in the rain storm. While people go about their days, she is still stuck. People tell her she is choosing to play the victim, but that's all she knows how to be. She doesn't know how to stand tall on her own. She is the turtle that slightly pokes it's head out of it's shell just to be scared back inside instantly.
She doesn't know what to do with her life. It seems like every time she tries to venture away from her bottomless pit, she is being sucked right back in again. The weight falls off of her but she doesn't see it. She still sees, "NOT GOOD ENOUGH." Something is going to kill her soon, it's just a matter of time. She tries to find something to hold her above water, but depression and anxiety are tugging at her ankle bringing her to the ocean floor.
She is just playing the waiting game of life.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
It has been such a rough week for my mind and my body. I've been so depressed, embracing Ana, and trying to keep my skin blade free. I have cut a couple times, mainly on the days I'm trying to keep Ana at bay. I'm pretty sure my scale battery is going out because it's been telling me the same weight for a week now.
So, I ended up taking the job afterall. T and I talked a lot and we came up with an agreement. Which makes me happy. He really is such a wonderful man. I'm lucky to have someone who is understanding. I'm enjoying the job for the most part. Most of the girls I work with are sweet. I get to dress in cute clothes and heels. And I'm making pretty decent money. One of the flaws about this job is the toll its already taking on my body. But it will get better with time.
For those of you that live in the states, know about all the floods going on here in Colorado. Its been pretty hard for me to deal with. It breaks my heart that my town, the town I grew up in, and the surrounding towns are destroyed by all this water. And it rained all day again today.
I'm also so torn with my ed. I know that if I ate more, my breasts would fill out, but at the same time, I don't want to. I don't want to eat or gain weight. It's such a vicious cycle. I hope everyone is doing well.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Which brings me to how low I've been feeling lately. I cut for my first time in over a year. I've been bruising up my legs again. And constantly chewing on the inside of my mouth. It looks like a freaking crater in there. I feel like I have zero self worth. Which is probably why I wanted the stripper job in the first place. So maybe I could feel a small percentage of what it's like to be noticed.
I've lost a total of 5lbs. I don't know exactly how because I feel like a fat cow. I feel like I've been eating like a little piggy. My thighs are huge and my stomach is bulging. My face has broken out terribly. I just want to stay inside and not show my horrifying face. I can't go to the gym and work out because I'm scared I'll run into that man again.
I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'm just so sad and depressed and beat down. And to top it all off, I've got a terrible cold. I feel like crap. I hope you all are doing well.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
There's the girls who party all the time, to get drunk and sleep with different guys. The number of men they sleep with determines their self worth.
There's the girls who will go through plastic surgery their whole lives. Add here, subtract here. Move this over there and remove that completely.
Then there are the girls who try to find something to make them noticed. For example: exotic dancing. Yes ladies, I'm talking about stripping.
I went to the strip club for my birthday with my best friend and T. It was a very eye opening experience, plus I had the time of my life. There I met a girl, we'll call her E. E was by far the most beautiful dancer there. She had confidence, she had a large chest. Long, blonde hair. Tall. In my eyes, the perfect woman. Looking at her, I could tell that she wasn't a size 0, but I also didn't think she was fat. So why is it that when it comes to my body, a size 0 still isn't good enough?
So anyway, E and I got to talking and I told her that the thought of being a dancer has crossed my mind several times before but I don't think I could ever go through with it. When she asked me why, I explained to her a bit about my past and my lack of self worth. This is when she tells me that once too had an eating disorder. She started working at the club about a year ago and she loves it. Her self esteem went sky rocketing through the roof. She feels beautiful and no longer doubts herself.
So this got me thinking; could becoming a dancer do this for me as well. Could it take a girl who has lived with her eating disorder for 13 years and cries every single day because she doesn't feel beautiful, and turn my life around? Would I go through with something that I know is still taboo in our society to give my self worth a shot? The answer to that is... Hell yes I would.
What do you ladies think? What would you do to start loving yourself and putting your eating disorder behind you, once and for all? I hope you all are doing well. And thank you so much for the birthday wishes.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
It's been a pretty sad day. I don't know why, but I always have high expectations for this day. In reality, it's just another birthday. Another day of getting older. Another day of showing that I haven't accomplished recovery or anything.
My dad didn't call me. A lot of my close friends didn't call or text me. I've actually had to remind people. I don't know why I bother.
T and his dad are taking me out to dinner, where I'm expected to eat like a fat pig. I hope I'll be able to purge it. Because I'm already feeling so huge today. I have been so depressed today that I slept most of it.
My mom sent me flowers because she couldn't be with me today due to work. She's coming up this weekend though.
This post is just rambling. I apologize. I hope everyone had a better day than I did.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
There's a scar on my right knee; a knife blade from R.J. The way my nose is a bit crooked because it's been broken three times. Scars on my wrists from when I started cutting after being raped for 4th time by the 4th guy. But the biggest reminder? The dark circles under my eyes that I have to cover up with makeup every morning. Those are caused by the nightmares that keep me from sleeping every night. It's just easier for me not to sleep, then to be haunted by my dreams.
All the trauma I have been through in my life has prevented me from actually living my life. I can't enjoy much because I'm either focusing too hard on being perfect, or caught up in my past. This is one of the biggest things that bothers T about me. I CAN NOT let go of my past. It's what shaped me. What made me the person that I strive to be everyday. But in the same light, what kind of person would I be without it? Would I be able to live a happy and fulfilled life? Would I be able to go out with friends for a night out and not be consumed in thought about the drink I'll get, or the food I'll order? Would I be able to go for a walk without constantly looking over my shoulder in fear of being attacked by someone of my past?
I'm anxious all the time. Locking my doors when I'm home by myself. Afraid to take a walk down to the gas station to get my cigarettes. Going to the store by myself scares me. I'm terrified of my past finding me. Living in constant fear is destroying my life in every aspect. But it's the only thing that I know.
Last week I wrote in my journal that I need to get away for a bit, all by myself, to try to find myself. I was really hell bent on doing this. It sounds nice in theory but in reality, it can't happen. I have too much of a busy life, and kids. I would never get the time.
All the diagnosis that I have, all the medication I take everyday, is part of my life. It is my life. I've learned to live with it. But living with it is not good enough. Just like every part of me. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Monday, September 2, 2013
I have been so damaged. Things have happened to me that I didn't deserve. Molestation, rape, abuse, the selling of my body, and most currently, sexual assault by an older gentleman. Since the assault, I have thrown myself into my eating disorder full force. I have been purging several times a day. My throat hurts. I've been taking laxies everyday. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel the need to punish myself. I can't help but blame myself for what happened. There's also the urge to cut again. I feel like my body is nothing but a sexual target. A piece of meat. I'm hurting so much inside, and somehow I need to make that pain real. I'm sorry this post is rambling. But I have so many negative emotions. Maybe I'll update later.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
I don't know why for sure, but this label bothers me. In my experiences with treatment facilities, therapists, support groups and research, I feel like EDNOS is not taken seriously enough. That's why when people ask me what type of eating disorder I have, I always say "Anorexia and Bulimia."
But there is a name for the type of disordered eating I have. It's called Purging Disorder. The main significant difference between Purging Disorder(PD) and Bulimia is the binge/purge part. When someone with PD eats a small amount of food, or what would appear to be a normal amount to others, that individual gets fuller faster, caused by the chemical, Cholecystokinin. Someone with Bulimia has a significant lower amount of the chemical, allowing them to overeat.
People with Bulimia or PD, then share the same emotional thinking, which then leads them to purge in one form or another. Both of these diseases share similar health risks and both can obviously lead to death. While doing my research in the last couple of days on PD, I have found myself to fall perfectly into this category. I'm not sure if this is a relief or just another long battle of frustration and confusion for me.
Either way, it doesn't make living with it any easier. I'm on information overload at the moment and my mind is preoccupied with external forces, but one thing is for sure and that is, whatever label I fall under, my eating disorder is on a full blown rampage. Tearing through my mind destroying any attempt of a barrier I've put up, and crushing all hopes of recovery. I read somewhere today that recovery is a revolving door. I couldn't say it better. One day I wake up, ready to take on the world, only to be shoved back into the welcoming arms of my eating disorder.
I've gotten better at keeping it to myself lately. When I'm having a fat day, or I'm running to the bathroom after a meal, I do my best not to let anyone know. I have mastered the fake smile, the award-winning attitude and the well put together mother and house wife. I prefer to keep my problems out of the way of my relationships.
I know that I really should be seeking a therapist to talk to, reaching out to my doctor with all the health problems I've been having lately, and re-creating a meal plan with my dietitian. But truth is, I don't have time for all of that. My main focus is my kids and their needs. They are my number one priority. I can live with my "around-the-clock" migraine, and the sleepless nights, as long as my family is happy. I will find a way to deal.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
I've relapsed. There, I said it. I'm engaging in behaviors. Restricting and purging. Purging and restricting. Going to the gym again. I want to be tiny again. Fragile. Light as a feather. Everyone tells me that I have the body that every girl wants, but no, I really don't. My thighs are touching again (ugh), my ass is huge, and my stomach is still so fat.
Looking back to when I started recovery, I was so motivated. I had so much drive to beat my eating disorder once and for all. But over the course of the last couple months, I've lost it. I don't have a desire of gaining anymore weight. Since Feb. I have gained 15lbs. I don't look sick anymore, which is a plus, but people are constantly telling me how "healthy" I look now. And you know how I'm gonna take that. "Hey Katie, you're getting fatter. That's awesome!"
There is one difference now than before. I'm not depressed all the time. I can actually have a good time with my loved ones and my kiddos. I can usually smile through most of the day. But there has been a significant change in my sleeping. Well, I pretty much don't. I get into bed late, wake up a few times in the middle of the night, and wake up early. I go through my days running on about 2 hours of sleep. Which makes me want to crash really hard in the middle of the day. Some days I take a nap with my boys. But even doing that is hard for me.
I'm not taking the laxies like I used to. But I really only eat one meal a day. And most days, I don't even keep that down. Today I went to the gym and decided to have a protein drink afterwards. When I got home, I purged it. I'm constantly smoking to keep the urge of eating down.
Wow, it feels really nice to finally be able to get this all out. I haven't had anyone to talk to. My best friend who has also lived with her ED as long as I have, is doing really well in recovery, so there is no way I would go to her about it. So I've been keeping it all inside. It's been driving me insane. On the plus side of finally writing in here again, I get to hear from all you lovely ladies. I have missed you all so much. I'm sorry I've been so disconnected. I hope you all are well and I can't wait to get reconnected with you guys. Much love.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Much love, Katie
Monday, March 18, 2013
I know it's been so long since I have written. I've been using this past month to transform myself into someone new.
First off, I hope all of you are doing well. I miss each and every one if you dearly. On that note, I would love to keep in contact with you guys. So please, please email me so we can catch up.
As far as my ed goes.. Some days are harder than others, mostly with body image issues. I am at 90lbs. So since my near death experience, I have gained 9lbs. I'm handling that pretty well. I'm going to the gym about 4 times a week and working on my strength training. Trying to build muscle mass. That's going great and helping me feel better about myself.
I have also allowed God into my life. After I journal every night, I read a bit if my bible. I find it fulfilling. I don't feel an overwhelming need to go to church, because I feel like that I can form my own relationship with God without others pushing their beliefs on me.
My boys are doing good. My youngest is in speech therapy and learning new words everyday. My oldest is going to his weekly therapy and trying to better himself. I found out last week that my eating disorder has affected him more than I would gave ever imagined. He told his therapist that I don't eat enough and that I'm going to die. This was like a month ago while he was with his father. That broke my heart.
I have been experiencing a lot of shame and guilt for all my ed has destroyed and tore apart over this last year. T and I are doing much better than before. Mostly because I took control and Ana is no longer present. I have accepted that my ed will always be a part of me. But it doesn't have to rule my life. There will be days where I'm depressed or hate what I see in the mirror, but I'm learning new skills on how to push those evil thoughts aside, even for a moment.
It is possible. For me and for all of you. You don't need to be ruled and controlled. It is your car you're driving and you don't need to let your ed decide the direction in which you're going. For me, it was being minutes away from death to realize this. I hope that will not be the case for you. Take it from someone who's lived with this disease for over half her life, you are worth it. You're worth living everyday and loving yourself. You deserve to be loved by others and to live a fulfilled life. Lots of love.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
I was in the middle of cooking dinner for T, his dad, and I when I started to feel extremely nauseous. I went to the bathroom, leaned over the toilet, and sat there and gagged. Nothing was coming up, but I felt so sick. Then I sat down, curled up in a ball with my arms around my legs and called for T. When he came in, I told him I felt really sick, but I couldn't throw up. I told him something didn't feel right. That something was wrong. He was rubbing my back when I leaned to the side and rested my head on the shower door. This is the last thing I remember.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital, hooked up to an IV, the heart monitor stickers all over my body, and my nurse closely watching me from outside my door. She came in and sat down. Started asking me simple questions like where I was, what month it was, just things like that.
Apparently, this is what happened. After I leaned onto the shower door, T asked me if I felt like I needed to go to the hospital. He didn't get any response from me. Again, he asked a minute later if I needed to go. When he didn't get a response out of me the second time, he went and took dinner out of the oven, told his dad he had to take me, and came back in to take me out to the car. He said when he picked me up, that my body wasn't dead weight like normally it would be, but it was completely stiff. I was stuck in that curled up, almost fetal position. He put me in the car and hauled ass to the hospital. He said that while he was driving, my breathing was really fast, as if I was almost crying.
When we got to the hospital, he told them about my late stages of anorexia. He was highly irritated with the charge nurse because she wasn't taking it as any big thing. He said she was taking her time getting me admitted into the ER. Apparently while I was in the wheelchair, he said that I was still stuck in that fetal position and my legs were just dangling off the front. I was shaking, non responsive and breathing too fast.
Finally they got me back to a room and a male nurse had to lift me out of my chair and put me on the bed. They got me hooked up to the vitals. This is when T's dad took a short video of what was happening. It showed the screen of my vitals. My heart rate was 128, and my oxygen was at 90. Then the video shows me in the bed for a couple seconds, in the almost fetal position, shaking terribly.
One of the things that really scared the doctors was that when a nurse was lifting up my arm to do something, he let go of it, and instead of it falling back down, my arm just stayed put. Stiff up in the air.
The next few hours were spent trying to wake me up. They told T that they were trying everything to get me up. My doctor told him that I was in the very late stages of Anorexia and my mind had shut my body down. I was in a catatonic shock. Pretty much comatose. That medically, my labs and everything they did looked fine, but that I was non responsive.
Right before I woke up, something happened to me. I was standing below this extremely tall mountain looking up for the sun. Slowly, it started to rise. The most magnificent, biggest sun I had ever seen. And as it was rising, I realized that I could stare at this sun and it wouldn't hurt my eyes at all. And then it happened. He spoke to me. I had my push, my sign, the one I've been so desperately looking for. My miracle. It was God. And he told me that I have so many people that love me. So many people that want to see me live from this. This isn't how I'm meant to go. That I have so much more to live for. I promised him that I would change. Then I woke up.
I know this sounds crazy. And every time I describe what happened, I feel like I've gone nuts. But this was it. And when I finally came around and was talking coherently, I told T that I was excited. That I was ready. I'm going to do this.
And yesterday, I did very well. I ate all 3 of my meals, and even some cherry crisp. I did weigh myself yesterday, but I'm not even going to consider it a real number because I'm sure they put fluids in me while I was in the hospital. I have to admit, this was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I AM convinced that Friday was supposed to be my night. That was Ana's final game. She was going to kill me. I was going to die Friday night. But I didn't. I was saved, and I woke up this morning feeling extremely grateful for another chance. Much love.