Wednesday, December 31, 2014
I guess first off I want to say; I am incredibly blessed with where this year has left me. My boys are healthy and smart. Although there are some days when I want to sell them on Craigslist (kidding.) I got a healthy, full term baby girl. Even though it was a rough pregnancy and I didn't think I'd ever see the end, I'm so thankful I made it full term and she is absolutely perfect. T and I are stronger than ever. Life has shit all over us this year (circumstances out of our control) but we have made it through another year and I am more in love with him with each passing day. We celebrated our 3 year anniversary back in September and that man never ceases to amaze me.
On the eating disorder topic, I managed to keep it under control during my pregnancy. Although every day the thoughts were there, the behaviors were not. It was extremely difficult at first, but every day it got a bit easier. I was only a month into recovery when I got pregnant, so I did start my pregnancy "underweight" but I managed to gain 12lbs my pregnancy. It has became a bit of a challenge ever since Syrsha was born and I am fully aware of it. The thoughts are there almost constant and the urges are there every time I eat, but I have to have faith that I will not give in. Syrsha is 3 weeks old today and I have lost all my pregnancy weight plus 3. I was 102lbs when I weighed myself this morning. I am still eating all 3 meals but I am breastfeeding and I really do believe that is the reason why the weight is coming off so quickly.
This year has also shown me the true colors of people. My other best friend "E" decided that she was going to cut all contact off with me, without explanation. It's been since May since she has spoken to me. And even though I have tried several times to at least find out why she no longer wanted to talk to me, it's proven to be a dead end. She has ignored texts, calls, Facebook messages, shit, I even showed up at her work. So a 13 year friendship ended this year and I am not even sure why. And finally a couple months ago, I gave up trying to figure out why. I came to peace with it because obviously I didn't mean anything to her, so she wasn't worth the tears anymore.
I also lost another close friend this year. My friend "S" who I've been friends with since I was 14, ended our friendship this year as well. I'm pretty sure I wrote about him at the beginning of the year when he was sick in the hospital and we were scared for his life. I went and visited him in the hospital several times, made sure he knew that I was always going to be there for him, and was confident that our friendship was staying strong. Then about a month after he got out of the hospital, he sent me a text stating that he couldn't be friends with me any longer because he was tired of fighting with his girlfriend over our friendship. She felt insecure that him and I were friends because we dated for a whole month when we were 15. So there goes a 10 year friendship out the window. Those were the two biggest downfalls in my friend circle this year.
So I'm not sure I am going to make New Year's resolutions for 2015. Because I am happy with my weight, just not my body. So the main goal I am going to set is to make it to the gym 2-3 times a week. I want to add muscle and tone my body. I want my abs back lol. I am going to make a goal to not get back up to almost 2 packs of cigarettes a day. As of right now, I am between 5-9 a day and I'd like to keep it at that, if not quit all together eventually. One of my resolutions that I had made for 2014 was to go back to school, and while I did do that, I had to withdraw to be put on bed rest. So one of my goals for 2015 is to do something with my life. I'm not sure if that means going to Culinary Arts school, or get a job, but I do want to do something productive with my time. And my biggest goal for 2015 is to be a better me just in general. A better mother, wife, friend. I want to better myself.
Tell me, what are your goals for this year? Did you keep the ones you made for 2014? I hope this post finds you all well and healthy.
Lots of Love,
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Well she's here! Miss Syrsha Lynn made her way into the world a week ago today. Here's the story:
Last Monday (12-8) I went into my 38 week appointment. She checked me where I was still 4.5cm dilated. I was feeling pretty discouraged that my cervix still hadn't changed. She "stripped my membranes" meaning she detached the amniotic sac from my uterine wall. This was to help induce labor on its own. But just incase it didn't work, we scheduled my induction for Sunday the 14th.
The next couple days I was bleeding and having contractions but not really strong enough to send me to the hospital. Wednesday morning I went in for a growth ultrasound to see about how much she was weighing. They estimated her at 6lbs 12oz. I went and saw my doc afterwards. I told her I was still bleeding and she checked me and I was 5cm! She told me that she felt justified to send me to labor and delivery. This was around 10am. I wasn't in any hurry since every time I go in, I get sent home.
I came home, bounced on the exercise ball, packed my hospital bag, went and picked my youngest up from school, came back home and waited for T to get his bag packed. Then we dropped my son off at his aunt's and went and fed T. I didn't want to eat just incase they kept me and needed the epidural. We walked into the hospital around 1:30. The nurse checked me and said I was between 5 and 6cm dilated. She called the on call doc who said to go ahead and keep me and they would break my water! I couldn't believe it. This was really happening.
So the nurse let me walk laps around the maternity ward while they got my room set up. They got me in my room, hooked me up to the monitors where my contractions were 5-7 minutes apart. They got me my epidural around 4:20pm and the doc came and checked me where I was 7cm. He broke my water. The contractions picked up to every couple minutes and apparently we're very strong, but I couldn't feel a thing, thank God for the epidural. Around 7pm I started feeling a lot of pressure. The doc came and checked me around 8:20pm where he told me I was complete! He got dressed, and I started pushing around 8:35. And at 8:42 T got to deliver our precious daughter. It was the most amazing and relaxed delivery.
The next day I had my tubes tied, which has been the reason why I'm having such difficulty recovering.
She is absolutely beautiful and perfect. She nurses great, although it's so painful that I'm in tears a lot of the time.
She weighed a tiny 5lbs 7oz. I couldn't believe how small she was. The ultrasound was way off lol. So here's some pics of my angel.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
First off, I'm almost done being pregnant. I've had a few scares over the last few months. When I was 30 weeks, they thought I was going to deliver. I spent a weekend in a hospital a town away because they were more equipped to handle a baby born that young. Luckily she didn't come then because we would have had to have her in that hospital for a couple months at least. So here I am, almost 37 weeks and so ready to be done. Since this has been a high risk pregnancy from the beginning, my doctor has taken every precaution to ensure that if Syrsha was born early, she would have the best possible chance of not having to stay in the hospital after birth. In the last week, I've been in and out of the hospital 3 times. My body keeps sending me into labor and then stops. I know a lot of you don't know too much about pregnancy, but currently I am 4.5cm dilated and she is way head down. We thought she was coming last week. I went from being 1cm dilated to 4 in a matter of a few hours. They gave me the epidural (spinal tap) because they were concerned with how fast my labor was progressing. After the epidural, everything stopped. They kept me another day to ensure I wasn't going to have her, and then sent me home. It was very emotional and extremely frustrating. Then the same thing happened this Tuesday. Except it was the nurse who fucked shit up. She told me that I dilated from 4cm to 6cm in an hour. She told me to get my mom on the phone to head up here because I was "having this baby today." Then the doctor on call came in and told me that I was 4.5cm not 6cm. So she sent me home. The contractions and the intense pain continued for the rest of the day on Tuesday and by 3am Wednesday, I went back to the hospital. They told me that nothing had changed and sent me home. My body wants to labor, but doesn't want to dilate. It's very frustrating because the doctors won't help my dilation until I am 37 weeks and I am currently 36 and 5 days. The doctors at my local hospital are a nightmare and makes me shy away from delivering there and instead going to another hospital. So there's an update on pregnancy. Syrsha can be here any day now =)
Today was Thanksgiving. Pretty nerve wrecking, but you all understand why. It's the holiday that is centered around food. And although I'm not controlled by my ED mind constantly, the thoughts are still there. The counting of the calories is still there, even if they are unintentional. Every little thing I put in my mouth today gave me anxiety. I tried not to let it affect my day, and I think I did pretty well. It was a small Thanksgiving (Me, T, his dad and my youngest.) But enough food to feed a small army. We like our Thanksgiving leftovers around here. I have so much to be thankful for this year. T and I are stronger than ever, and my love for him continues to grow every single day. My boys are awesome, in their own individual ways. My oldest is starting to become passionate about things that interests him. My youngest is just so sweet and still very much a mama's boy. My father in law has shown me so much love and makes me feel like I'm one of his own. My mom finally got a new job that she starts in a couple weeks. Which is amazing because she's been stuck at this terrible job for almost 4 years now, and I'm hoping this new start will help her with her depression. I'm thankful for the couple friends I do have. I have lost so many close friends (ones I've known for 10+ years) this year which has been extremely hard, but I've had a couple awesome ladies walk into my life and it's been nice. I am thankful that Syrsha wasn't born at 30 weeks and at this point is healthy enough to not have to stay in the hospital.
I know I have more to say, but it's been an extremely long and tiring day and my body hurts from being on my feet all day. I hope to update again soon, and hope to have pictures of baby Syrsha to share with you all. For now, I'll leave you with a picture I took a couple weeks ago of my baby bump. And a picture of me just being me with my new glasses.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Ok, so the first episode was about a year and a half ago. In the height of my ED. I had this dream, but it was too real to be a dream.
In this first dream, I was being possessed. I was lying in bed and I felt this shadow figure above me. I tried to wake up, I was screaming, T was sleeping right next to me. But when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. I tried flailing and screaming; nothing. I was doing everything I could to wake up from this dream (nightmare) but I was paralyzed.
*Side note: most of these dreams happen right before I wake up*
So the next day I told T about this dream, and he told me that it was probably all the possession movies we'd been watching lately. *At the time, I thought I was literally being possessed by Ana*
Moving forward: From that time on up until a few months ago, I've only had a couple more dreams like this. Then a few months ago, they started happening several times a week.
They always consist of me laying in bed, as myself (like in first person). In these dreams I "wake up" and I try to get out of bed. But I can't move. No matter how hard I try. I will be screaming at the top of my lungs (in the dream) and nothing comes out. I try to roll out of bed (in the dream) and I can't move.
The past couple of weeks have been the worst. All the above happens, but it gets a lot scarier. In the dreams, I manage to get out of bed, like I will be standing next to my bed or laying on the floor, and next second, I'm back in the bed without realizing how I got there, paralyzed again. In the dreams, there is always someone standing at my bedroom door, just staring at me. Most of the time I can't make out who it is. But I'm trying to reach for them to help me (but can't move) or I'm trying to yell at them (nothing comes out.) I "wake up" several times in the dream, but I'm never truly awake.
This is probably the scariest thing that has happened to me. Because everything is so real. I can feel the pillow under my head, the sheets under my skin.
When I finally manage to pull myself out of these nightmares, I am panicked and out of breath. I am disoriented and realize that I've only truly been asleep for maybe 10-20 minutes. But in the dream, it seems like time is never ending.
So after this morning's "episode" I decided to Google it. I read numerous things about sleep paralysis, but that's not what this is. I'm not awake when this happens (even though it might feel like it.) I can't seem to find an actual name for it, or ways to treat it.
I'm just so scared to go to sleep anymore. I dread it. And physically, it's taking it's toll on me. After I have these dreams, I'm out of it for the rest of the day, which ironically, makes me want to sleep. I feel like I can't focus on anything else.
Please someone tell me you've heard of this, maybe know what it's called or how to treat it?
I'm thinking about maybe researching into sleep studies, but I'm skeptical about that because I never know when these nightmares are going to happen. I'm sorry this was so long. I just feel so lost.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Let me start with a little back story.
My best friend, E, and I have been best friends since 8th grade (almost 14 years.) She has stuck by my side through everything, and I mean, everything. We did everything together.
Well back in May, I noticed that she was becoming a little distant. We went like a week and a half without talking. Only to find out that she had started dating this guy and was afraid I wasn't going to like him. I told her that was nonsense and to bring him over so T and I could meet him.
They came over, we hung out, had dinner and had a pretty good time. That was May 15th. That was the last time I heard from her....
I have texted her numerous times. Called her and left voicemails. Sent her messages on Facebook. And even so much as went to her work. She has ignored it all.
So finally yesterday, I deleted her on Facebook. I know that doesn't sound like such a big deal, but honestly, it was the only link I had left to her and her life. But it was killing me to see all of her updates, photos, videos; all the while knowing that she was choosing to ignore me.
After awhile of not getting responses from her, T thought that maybe her new boyfriend had something to do with it. Like he was possibly isolating her from everyone. But from what I can tell by her Facebook, I don't even think they are dating anymore. I think that was short-lived. And she still seems in pretty constant contact with everyone else in her life, including her other best friend.
I'm not sure why this bothers me so much. I mean, I've lost so many friends over the past few years. Some that I thought would always be there. But with E, it seems so unreal. And frustrating honestly. I even begged her for an explanation as to why she felt the need to ignore me, and got nothing. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and I didn't get a "happy birthday" from her. My baby shower was last weekend, and she didn't show any interest in coming.
I feel so lonely, especially during the day. T is at work, the boys are at school, and I have no one to talk to. Not that I can do much "talking" with the boys.
I just feel very overwhelmed lately and feel like I'm slipping into depression. I feel like this huge weight is sitting on my chest and I can't get it off. Today for some reason is especially worse. I have this nasty cold that started on Monday and it's just gotten worse. I can barely breathe because of it. My morning sickness returned last night. Dinner and desert didn't stay down. And my glucose test is in less than an hour. And I HATE my blood being drawn. I just want to sleep all day, but I can't do that because I can't get comfortable enough to stay in one spot for too long.
I'm sorry this is so long and a total bitch-fest.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
There is so much I want to say, but not sure how I'm going to say it, so please bare with me while I try to get it all out.
Let's start with reflection. There is so much that I have put out there on my blog. Posts about depression, being vulnerable. Posts about wanting to lose even more weight, even when I was entering treatment last year. Posts filled with excuses on why I should keep Ana around. Posts about how I was going to recover and get rid of Ana once and for all.
The amount of support I have received from you ladies on all these different posts have been astounding. The good, the bad, and the ugly; you have stuck by my side. Thank you for that.
I'm feeling so many different emotions right now. Regret probably being the biggest one. I feel regret for so many things. Especially when it comes to my ED and how it's affected everyone in my life.
One of the posts I read was my new years resolutions for this year. How I wanted to stay between 96 and 98lbs, but then I say in that same post that I want to have control over my ED. A little redundant when I look back on it now.
I have made myself pretty vulnerable with this blog. It's given me an opportunity to be honest with myself. I like being able to read back and realize how sick I was. Not for inspiration to get there again, but inspiration to do better, by my kids, T, and most importantly, myself.
I am not proud of the person that I became because of Ana. I am not proud of the decisions I have made over the past few years. I am disappointed in the shit I have put T through.
Which leads me to forgiveness. I did a post back in January about forgiveness. About how I wanted to forgive certain people, even if they didn't deserve it. But what about ourselves?
Those of us with addictions, ED's, anxiety and depression; we are so hard on ourselves. I think one of the first steps in recovery from anything, is learning to forgive ourselves. To be gentle with ourselves. Because we didn't chose to live like this. We didn't wake up one morning and say, "hey, let's fuck up our lives as much as humanly possible."
Living with an addiction, no matter which one is our poison, is hard on everyone around us, but especially ourselves. Not only physically, but mentally especially. I know with my ED, I beat myself up for everything.
We need to learn to forgive ourselves. We need to accept that addiction is ugly. That we fuck up, and that is okay, because we are only human. I believe if we can learn to forgive ourselves, then maybe we finally start recovering from our addictions?
No one is perfect, so why must we hold ourselves to that standard? Why must we be so hard on ourselves when the rest of the world does that for us? If we are not standing up for ourselves, then how do we expect anyone else to?
I'm sorry for all the randomness, but I feel like I needed to get some shit off my chest. I still don't feel like I got it all out, but it's a start.
So I'll leave you with this; be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself because that's where it'll start.
Lots of love,
Friday, September 19, 2014
I do want to say congrats to Ruby for hitting her 500th post! That's such an accomplishment, and I am so glad that I've been here to read your journey the whole time. (And you don't have to get rid of your clothes until you feel ready)
And to J, I love you darling and I don't want you to feel so alone. I am always here for you and I wish we could get together more. I truly do miss you.
Kate, I love seeing your baby belly. It makes me happy to know that you will soon be meeting your little princess.
Bella, I'm glad that you are starting to feel a bit better after having a cough that you felt was trying to kill you. Your sketches aren't crappy and I'm excited to see your final projects.
As for me, things are coming along. I've still been contracting like crazy and have been in the hospital a few times since I last updated. I had this test done last week, and it came back positive. Which gave us a 60% chance of delivering within two weeks. So they gave me steroids to help her lungs develop faster incase she does come early.
I am 27weeks tomorrow which is awesome. My weight still hasn't done much since the last time I updated. Still at only a total of 5lbs this pregnancy. So my doctor seemed pretty concerned with how little weight I've gained so she scheduled a measurement ultrasound to get the baby's growth. That was on Wednesday. She is doing great. Out of the 5lbs I've gained this pregnancy, 2lbs 3oz is all her. This was great news.
My OB thinks that she is literally stealing all my nutrients and that is why my gain is minimal. She also said that this is probably why I've been extra tired as of lately.
We went ahead and had our maternity photos done because we aren't sure when baby Syrsha will be arriving and we wanted to make sure we got them done. So, I will leave you with a couple of those. And I promise that I will do better at blogging.
Lots of love,
Sunday, August 31, 2014
This is huge for me, seeing as two weeks ago, they thought my water had broken (which I didn't find out til 4 days later it didn't) and had told me if it had, they couldn't do anything to save my baby. I was a mess that day. Crying non stop, thinking the worst. But like I said, my water didn't break, so she is still good to go.
I've been having some serious contractions, but I am now going in to see the doctor once a week to have my cervix checked. That way they can tell me each week if the contractions are actually doing anything. So far, they haven't.
So this post will be short and sweet. But I wanted to finally post a picture of my bump. It's taken a lot of courage to post a pregnancy picture on here, seeing as the last picture I posted of myself, I was severely underweight and in the midst of my ED. Keep in mind that I am still struggling with my body image and have to constantly remind myself that, "A happy baby is worth the weight." Terrible pun, I know.
Lots of love,
P.S. THANK YOU for all the love and positivity on my last post. I appreciate each and everyone of you. <3
Friday, August 29, 2014
First things first, fuck am I lonely. With both kids in school, I spend the entire mornings by myself. T's at work, and I have pretty much zero friends. It's not that I don't try. I try to get out there, get connected with people, other moms, anyone in general. But it's like no one wants anything to do with me. So here I sit, alone with my thoughts. Which brings me to why I wanted to write this post.
I cry a lot. Not in front of anyone, but when I'm alone. How do I say this without sounding like a horrible person? I miss the comfort of my ED. Ok, I know that sounds bad, but really, most of you can understand where I am coming from. There was something welcoming about my ED. Like I knew that when I needed a way to cope, it was there. I knew when I was feeling uncomfortable about the amount of my food or fluid intake, it was there. Always wanting to envelope me and tell me it was all going to be alright.
But see; that's the nasty thing about this monster. It wants you to think that it's the ONLY thing there to take care of you. Therefore, it isolates you from the outside world. It makes you believe that there is not another single thing that can make you feel the way it can. You become so wrapped up in your ED that anything that anyone else says, doesn't matter. That no one can possibly understand you the way that it does. It's hard for your loved ones, let alone you, to tell the difference between you and you ED. Two become one.
Currently, I am not wrapped in the vines of my eating disorder, and I think that's why I can write this post. To be thinking with my logical mind, not Ana's. Writing in my journal this morning, something pretty huge occurred to me. While in the midst of my ED, I wasn't aware of the damage it was doing to everyone in my world. I was so sick that I didn't care that my youngest was in the bathroom with me while I purged. Then to see him stick his fingers down his throat a couple days later, because he saw mommy do it. I was so sick that I wasn't aware that my oldest (who was 5 at the time of this incident), was completely capable of knowing that I was going to die because I wasn't eating, and told his therapist this.
Luckily (and maybe hopefully), my boys won't remember how sick I was when they get older. But that's not the case with T. Often, we painfully and regrettably talk about my ED. The heart attacks, the hospital visits, the countless hours I spent in the bathroom vomiting the food I just consumed. It's not like everyone didn't know what I was doing. Although I was quiet about it, and always fixed my makeup after purging, they all knew what I was doing. It became routine. And that's the way we were living our lives with Ana.
A lesser man would have walked away. A weaker man would have given up on me. But he didn't. He knew that behind all the starving, purging, cutting, and self-hatred, there was the girl that he fell in love with. Even when I didn't see her. Even when I welcomed death, embraced it with open arms because I felt there was nothing to fight for. T was there, when no one else was. He believed in me.
I'd say that about 85% of me enjoys my life without Ana constantly there. Yelling at me. Telling me what to do. Dictating what I can and can not eat. Counting every single calorie that enters my mouth. I was just telling my neighbor the other day, that it was normal for me to try to stay under 200 calories a day. 200! Then I would also go to the gym and make sure that my daily intake was in the negatives. No wonder why I was so weak. So tired. So irritable.
Now, I don't necessarily count every calorie, I usually just guess. I'd probably put my daily intake around 1,500-1,700 a day. Wow, writing that number down is kinda terrifying. But I know that I'm doing it for all the right reasons. I am currently at 110lbs. That is 31lbs above my lowest weight. I remember a point in time when I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself get into the triple digits, but alas, here I am. And I'm ok with that. For the moment anyway. I've read several articles that have said that an ED doesn't ever completely go away. That it's always in the back of your mind, in one form or another.
My biggest goal is to be ok and accept my body for the way it is after Syrsha is born. I've accepted that I will never be a size double 0 again, so I've already gotten rid of all of my "anorexic clothing." I want to love myself for the person that God intended me to be. I don't see it being an easy journey, but definitely attainable.
So I know this turned out to be a long post, and actually, I started writing it yesterday afternoon, but as we all know, life gets in the way. I've enjoyed reading and catching up on all of your blogs. Just remember that we attain perfection, but what is perfection? None of us really know. Just know that you are loved.
Lots of Love,
Friday, August 8, 2014
So anyway, the first woman, Jennifer, stated that she wanted to get pregnant. And, like me, despite the doctors telling her it wasn't in her best interest since she was so enveloped with her ED, she got pregnant. Like me, it took her about 6 months to get pregnant. And like me, she had this preconceived (excuse the pun) notion that once she got pregnant, the ED would just disappear. Wouldn't that be just wonderful? Here is the link if you want to watch the video. It's about 28 minutes long.
The second woman, whose name happened to be Katie, she sounded a lot like me as well. One of the biggest things I found interesting with her is that after she had her first daughter, she gave up breastfeeding because of the overwhelming amount of food you have to eat to sustain breast milk.
These two woman, who I will point out had successful pregnancies and healthy babies, were someone I could relate to; but there is a significant difference. And that is the fact that Ana is still there every single day with me. Dictating what I eat, if it will put too much weight on me. Telling me that I will NEVER lose the baby weight. She is still there yelling terrible things at me.
One thing I do want to point out is that I KNOW that I need to be eating and eating well. I KNOW that I will gain weight, it's inevitable. I KNOW that if I want to have a healthy baby, that that baby is counting on me to give her that life. (That's right, I did say HER!!!) Unfortunately morning sickness has completely ruled me this pregnancy. And for the last week, I haven't been able to keep ANYTHING down. I actually was sent to the hospital this morning to receive IV fluids to keep me hydrated.
I think this is the most frustrating part of my pregnancy. Is knowing that I want my daughter to be healthy when she arrives, but my body is not allowing me to gain much weight. (My pre-pregnancy weight was 105. Last week I was 112. This morning I was 111.) So in all actuality, I have lost weight due to morning sickness. This is a pretty touchy topic with T. He understands that I am constantly throwing up due to morning sickness, but I believe somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks Ana has something to do with it. And maybe she does and I just don't see it?
I mean, it's not like I'm sticking my fingers down my throat to make myself throw up, but maybe somewhere hidden deep in the back of my brain, my body has trained itself to not allow food to stay in my body? I don't know honestly.
I had my "official" ultrasound last week and the tech and doctor say that our baby is growing healthy. That she is in the 53rd percentile for her growth, which is good. I think the reason why I am so frustrated with it all is that when I first found out I was pregnant, I was completely honest with my OB about my ED and all the struggles I've been through, not only the last 3 years especially, but the last 14 years that I've lived with it. And she didn't seem too concerned. And honestly, she doesn't seem too concerned with the little amount of weight I've gained. I mean, I am 21 weeks and have only gained a total of 6lbs. How is that not alarming to her?
I sit up for a minimum of 45 minutes every night imagining what the rest of my pregnancy is going to be like if this morning sickness continues. Does that mean that my daughter is going to have a low birth weight? Am I going to feel like world's shittiest mother because I couldn't do more? These thoughts are never ending. I am constantly battling my mind in one way or another. And it's exhausting.
Sorry for such a long post, but there was a lot of shit I needed to get off my chest. I hope you're all doing well, and I am slowly catching up on reading your ladies' blogs. Lots of love.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
I know that I've got my baby to think about, which is what keeps me from acting on my behaviors. But it's like an addiction that I'll never fully recover from. I'm terrified that when the baby comes, I am going to slip back into old habits. That I will be completely disgusted with what I see in the mirror, and I'll run over to the toilet and stick my fingers down my throat.
I can't let myself do that again, but it doesn't mean that the thought isn't there. I can't count how many times my youngest was in the bathroom with me and watched me purge my food, and that kills me. I feel like the worlds worst mother because of it.
Everyone tells me that I need to think about my kids and what their futures would be like if they didn't have their mother around because she killed herself with her eating disorder. It's a sad cycle really.
My best friend and I were texting the other day and she said to me, "Katie, we are strong, and we will beat our eating disorders. We will live full, healthy lives." I replied, "You know, you've been saying that for years." Which she has. We've both lived with our eating disorders for 14 years now, and we always say that it's going to get better, but we always relapse. ALWAYS.
I am very grateful that I haven't let it take over my body during my pregnancy, but I know it's there. I know Ana is scratching at the door, begging to come in. Most days, I can shut her out, pretend like she isn't there. The nights are the worse though. It takes me at least a minimum of 45 minutes to fall asleep every night because the thoughts won't stop running.
And I'm not just saying it's Ana that keeps me awake at night. It's everything. My dad hasn't talked to me in months. He won't return my calls or texts. And then there is my other "best friend, E." I don't know what her problem is, but it's like I'm nothing to her now.
About two months ago, she came and hung out with me and T at our house, and brought her new boyfriend, who she was afraid I wasn't going to like. But we all hung out, smoked some weed, and had a good time. I haven't talked to her since that night. I've texted her, I've called her, I've even showed up at her work; nothing. She won't respond. And I know that she is okay, because I see her post stupid shit on Facebook all the time. I think the only way I am going to get her attention is tag her in a status on Facebook and see if she responds. A part of me wants to be a total bitch about it, but that's not me.
This has probably been my biggest burden lately. Is how it's so easy for everyone to walk out of my life, like 13 years of friendship, or the fact that I am still his daughter, means nothing. I'm very lucky to have T and his dad, and my boys, and my mom, but what about all the people who said they would stick by my side through everything?
I'm sorry that I'm ranting. I know it's been awhile since I've posted, and I'm sorry for that. I will try my hardest to post more often. Please ladies, send me an email and let me know how you are doing. I miss you all so very dearly, and I want to know that you're all doing ok. Lots of love.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
The other night I ate Ramen for the first time in months. It was terrible. The only reason why I ate them is because I was literally craving it. Even as I was eating them, I was regretting it. And after I was done, all I wanted to do was purge them. I mean, this is a food that I would eat just for the soul purpose of purging it in the past.
This is just one of the many struggles that I deal with daily. I am still smoking pot. My doctor knows and pretty much told me that the benefits outweigh the risks. Smoking takes away the anxiety and helps me eat. But if I don't smoke, I don't have an appetite and then I won't eat. It's terrible.
My weight has gone up 6lbs since I found out I was pregnant. Most days I can deal with it, other days, I am dreading how much weight I am going to gain throughout the pregnancy. Since I was considered underweight at the beginning of my pregnancy, they want me to gain 35lbs. This terrifies me. That would put me at 140lbs again. That's what I weighed before I became hard and heavy into my eating disorder.
T worries that I will go running back to Ana as soon as the baby comes, and honestly I can't blame him. It's such an easy thing to turn to when you're desperate. I am not saying that I will turn to my eating disorder once the baby comes, but I am not going to lie; it would be really simple to turn to something so familiar.
I am seeing my therapist this morning. I've only seen her once since I found out I was pregnant. At the time I was so ecstatic about being pregnant, I didn't eve think that I would ever have to deal with Ana again. As I've gotten further along, I've realized that isn't the case. I've realized that pregnancy isn't the fix all for an eating disorder.
I love being pregnant. I love the idea of bringing another life into this world and sharing that experience with the love of my life. I'm excited to be a mom again and hopefully this time to a little girl. There are far too many boys in this house lol.
I'm not saying this will be an easy journey, because I'm pretty sure there are a lot of bumps in the road ahead, but I'm not going to let Ana win. I can't give her the satisfaction of being right all the time and not allowing me to have a life without her in it. She will always be there, but I don't have to let her drive any longer. I'm in control, this is my life, not hers.
Thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. I miss you all so dearly and I can't wait to get updates from all of you.
Lots of love,
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
As you can tell from my post title, I am pregnant! I know, exciting news. T and I are both convinced that God gave me what I wanted just as soon as I gave him what he wanted, and that was Recovery. As soon as I became recovery focused, God gave me a baby.
Things with the baby have been good, although it hasn't been easy. Trying to maintain a healthy pregnancy but dealing with the voice of Ana has been hard. Most times when I eat, I can shut her up, but then there are days where I just can't get her out of my head. She is loud and screaming at me. Last night was one of those nights. I ate 2 whole pieces of cheesecake, by myself. And found myself crying afterwards and couldn't get those negative thoughts out of my head.
T told me last night that he can't imagine me going the remaining of my pregnancy fighting off Ana, because if things don't change, I am going to end up running back to Ana once the baby is born.
I do plan on doing a proper, informational post about what it's like to be pregnant and living with an apparent eating disorder. But to be honest, it's taken me two weeks to convince myself to get on blogger and post.
Unfortunately, I am not going to be able to read your posts, because I will find them triggering, and I am sorry for that. But I would love to get some emails about how each of you are doing individually or some comments on here. I also want to ask Bella if you got my letter? I sent you a letter about a month back and haven't heard from you by mail or email.
I miss you all so very much and I will try to keep you all updated on my life.
Lots of love,
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
She was a bitch and didn't take me seriously.
Even after how honest I was with her.
I told her that I've been addicted to laxies,
That I take around 24 a day,
And asked her if that's what could be causing the problems.
She didn't seem too concerned about the laxies,
Instead she told me they can't do anything about that,
That I have to go through counseling to get over my addiction.
Well duh, that's why I'm meeting with my therapist,
But I would really like to know if
I'm doing any damage with the amount of laxies I take.
The nausea still hasn't gone away,
She prescribed these patches to wear
Behind my ear to take away the nausea.
They don't work.
I threw up breakfast this morning.
And dinner last night.
I'm so beyond frustrated with it,
That there is something wrong with my body,
And none of the doctors give a shit.
In other news, I haven't purged since Saturday,
Mostly because I'm throwing up everything I eat,
And I don't have much of an appetite anyway.
I've recently started smoking weed,
Because it temporarily gets rid of the nausea,
Plus it calms my anxiety down a great deal.
Last night I finally told T how many laxies I take a day,
We determined that I am taking 8 days worth in 1 day,
He was so disappointed, I could see it in his eyes.
I hate letting him down,
I hate that my ed is ruining his life,
And I hate that I feel powerless to stop it.
I'm pretty depressed today,
I've slept most of the day,
And I feel like I could sleep more.
T went to the gym while I lied down,
I really need to get back to the gym,
My body looks like shit.
Well that's enough ranting,
I hope you're all doing well.
Lots of love,
Monday, March 17, 2014
I was in the hospital again yesterday,
With an IV and a ton of nausea medicine.
They don't know what's going on with me,
But recommended I see a GI doc,
So I called them this morning.
It's the same place I went with my colon issues,
Last summer when we thought I had cancer,
My appointment is tomorrow.
I plan on going in there with complete honesty,
Telling them about my laxative abuse,
And how severe my eating disorder is.
T found me passed out on the bathroom floor,
I couldn't keep anything down yesterday,
Not even water.
I was miserable,
And I was supposed to be spending time
With my mom.
Instead she came and sat with me in the hospital,
I love her so much,
And T too.
That's why something has to change
I have to get well before I start school,
Or I'm going to miss a lot of days,
From being too weak to stand up for hours at a time.
I was literally begging God to take me yesterday
That's how sick I was,
Today is just as a bad.
This morning I bought some pills,
That people with motion sickness take.
I've already taken two with no relief.
Ok that's enough of my complaining,
I hope that you're all doing well,
Lots of love,
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Is it to live up to everyone's expectations?
Is anyone anywhere actually normal?
To me and the way I live my life,
That's normal to me,
But may not to be to everyone else.
Starting my day with a handful of laxies,
Is what normal is for me.
Taking between 20-25 a day,
That's normal for me.
But I'm looked down upon as abnormal,
Because I live with this disease,
And because I can't eat 'normally.'
No, I don't consider myself 'normal'
Because I look at other people's life,
And wish that I could be like them.
In MOPS this morning,
I'm watching all the other women get food,
While I sit there and over analyze everything on the table.
I wish that I could enjoy a normal plate of food,
Filled with eggs, burritos, cookies, sticky buns,
But I just can't.
Instead I pop 4 more laxies,
And put tiny spoonful's of things on my plate,
Then sit there and pick at it til it looks like I've ate most of it.
Then I sneak off to the bathroom and purge what I can,
Wipe the tears from my eyes,
Wash my hands and go back to the table.
I don't fit in with any girls from my table,
They all talk and gossip around me,
While I sit there and think about how many calories stayed in me.
It's sickening really,
To think that if I could just "get over it"
I could be normal too.
Then I come home a few hours later,
Pop another handful of laxies,
Just so I can eat an English muffin.
I kept the muffin down,
But not without beating myself up over it,
Knowing that those are calories I didn't need.
All of this that I'm explaining,
Is normal for me.
So is being normal really normal?
Just something to think about,
Lots of love,
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Even when I said I wouldn't,
I went up to 96.6lbs.
This is what happens when I don't take control,
When I try to escape my eating disorder,
I get fatter and fatter by the minute.
I went out to lunch today with my 'uncle'
And I ate a half of sandwich and half a bowl of soup,
After taking 12 laxatives already for the day.
I came home and I purged it,
I couldn't help it,
The food could not continue to sit in there.
My plan for the day is to take 6 more laxies,
And pretend this whole thing didn't happen.
I need to get rid of that extra pound and a half,
I can see it all over my body,
I can feel it bulging out of my clothes.
I'm so depressed right now,
I just want to crawl under a rock,
And sleep away the rest of the day.
T wants to go to the gym after he gets off work,
And I know that I should go,
It's been almost 3 weeks since I've been.
It's just I feel so down right now,
That I don't know if I have the motivation,
To take my fat self to the gym around all those skinnies.
I know that I am probably overreacting,
But I can't help but feel that if I eat anymore,
I might just explode.
The sun is even shinning and it's decently warm outside,
But not even that can lift my spirits,
I just want to rip my own skin off.
I'm sorry for such a depressing post,
I hope that you're all doing better than me.
Lots of love,
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
So granted it's just a guess,
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Like the way my heart does for him.
He wraps me up in his warm skin,
And reminds me that I am safe.
I'm content when I fall asleep next to him,
Hearing him breathe deeply in and out.
He is my reason for waking up each day,
And the reason why I dream.
The smell of him surrounds my body,
Enveloping me and reminding me I'm not alone.
Although it's been a rough journey for us,
I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else.
He encourages me to be the best I can be,
And doesn't tear me down when I'm not.
He is everything that I need him to be,
Strong, fearless, and smart.
He brightens each day with his smile,
And the way he looks at me with those eyes,
Makes me melt and fall in love all over again.
I love him for everything that he is,
He may not be perfect,
But he's perfect for me.
I know no matter how crappy of a day I have,
He can always make it better with a smile.
I fall asleep with his arms wrapped around my middle,
And I know in that moment, everything will be ok.
My 100th reader started following me,
That's so exciting!
I want to thank you all,
For the tremendous amount of support,
I've received from everyone.
I've had this blog for almost two years now,
And been in the blogging community,
For 2 1/2 years now.
I can't believe all the wonderful,
Amount of friends,
That I've made through blogging.
I don't know where I would be,
Without having all of you here,
Behind me supporting me.
I've seen some pretty lows,
And I've seen some highs,
And I got to share them all with you.
Thank you to all 100 of my followers,
And the girls that regularly comment on my posts,
I love you all.
I will write a proper post a bit later,
Lots of love,
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Causing a warmth on my skin,
That I haven't felt in ages.
My phone read 50 degrees,
It feels like it's so much warmer,
And I'm enjoying every minute of it.
I wish that it would improve my mood,
Because honestly, I'm extremely irritable,
And just want to get lost somewhere.
I want to forget being in this body,
I feel large and in charge,
And I'm bloating like crazy.
I had my bowl of cereal for breakfast,
And then had Arby's for lunch,
I purged most but not all of it.
Then I took 6 laxies,
I think I'm gonna take 6 more,
Before I lay down to take a nap.
I slept like shit last night,
My nausea kept me awake,
Spend all night dry heaving,
It was terrible.
I think I'm going to schedule a doc appointment,
For sometime next week,
And talk to her about a new med for nausea.
We are having friends come over tonight,
We are all supposed to be getting drunk,
But I can't help but think of all those empty calories.
It's just one of those days,
Where I want to crawl under a rock,
And get out of this fat suite that I am wearing.
I hope you're all doing well,
I've missed you,
Lots of love,
Thursday, March 6, 2014
I don't know if it's due to low blood pressure,
Or my lack of calories for the day.
This migraine envelopes my head,
Causing a pounding in between my ears,
And making me believe that I'm gonna die.
Even though those numbers read the same,
My brain says that it's not small enough,
I feel like I take up too much space.
I feel like every little calorie that enters my body,
Has to leave just as fast as it showed up,
I've taken around 20 laxies a day for a few days.
I haven't been to the gym at all in 2 weeks,
While T went today, I stayed home and took a nap,
Because I feel too sick to my stomach to do shit.
I received some tea from a dear friend of mine,
She said it's butterscotch flavor,
I can't wait to give it a try tonight.
Other than that, I don't know what else to say,
So I'll leave you a picture of one of my new dresses,
Lots of love to all of you,
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
I'm having a hard time,
Doing anything without almost throwing up.
For the first time in a long time,
I threw up without having to force myself to.
I forgot how unpleasant it is.
I've slept most of the day,
And still feel very lethargic.
I just want to continue to sleep.
It's raining here,
I absolutely adore the rain,
I'll take it over snow any day.
There's something relaxing,
About hearing the rain,
Fall ever so gently on the roof.
My weight stayed the same today,
Which I'm ok with,
As long as it's not a gain.
I've barely ate today due to nausea,
I had my bowl of cereal for breakfast,
And soup and sandwich for dinner,
Which didn't stay down.
I am definitely looking forward to bed time,
I feel like I could sleep for days,
If I didn't have kids, I probably would.
I've practically been living off,
Just something to take the edge off.
T thinks maybe the hole in my esophagus is leaking,
And putting extra pressure on my stomach,
Causing the nausea.
It's a possibility.
I don't have much else to say,
I hope you're all doing better than me,
Lots of love,
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Only cuz it's cleaning day.
I know, I'm weird.
Weighed in at 95lbs again this morning,
Ate my bowl of cereal while T was still sleeping,
Then when he woke up,
He asked if I wanted to go out for a family breakfast.
I was fine with it cuz it was his son's last day here,
But really anxious since I already ate breakfast.
But it was nice.
I ate two small cini-mini pancakes,
Took 6 laxies,
But ended up purging the pancakes anyway.
Then we took his son down to meet his mom,
Then drove back home.
Like I said, I look forward to Sundays,
I absolutely love the feeling,
Of a clean house.
We are going to be using his son's room,
As a guest room as well,
So I gutted and cleaned his room.
Then I decided to clean my boys' room,
Which was a disaster lol,
And I'm thinking of making a chore list,
For my oldest to do.
Make his bed,
Pick up his toys,
Stuff like that.
It will help keep their room in order,
And give me a little
Piece of mind.
My anxiety gets really high,
When my house is dirty,
So then I dusted and cleaned,
The rest of the house.
I am not feeling too well now,
I'm lightheaded and nauseous,
And feel drained.
So the rest of my evening will be;
Maybe take a nap,
And spend some time with T and my boys.
I just took 6 more laxies;
So my total for the day so far is 12,
And I still have dinner to deal with.
I'm going down to see my mom tomorrow,
We are going clothes shopping,
For my boys and myself,
Since I'm gonna start looking for a job.
I hope all is well with you beautiful ladies,
I'll talk to you soon,
Lots of love,
Saturday, March 1, 2014
I purged after each plate,
And I only think T noticed.
I didn't weigh myself this morning,
Because I was terrified,
That the number went up.
I ate my bowl of cereal this morning,
Took 6 laxies,
Ate too big of a lunch,
Purged 3 times,
Took 5 more laxies.
And it's only 4pm,
I still have dinner,
And probably 5 more laxies.
I'm not comfortable in my skin,
I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit,
And I wish my laxies would kick in.
I went and got a hair cut today,
Only to get rid of my dead ends,
But it's way too short now.
I'm sorry I couldn't post pics of my new dresses,
My very expensive camera took a crap on me,
So now I'm in the search of a new one.
I just want my jammies on,
To sleep away the rest of the afternoon,
And forget that I even ate.
I hope you're all doing well,
Lots of love,
Friday, February 28, 2014
I spent the whole morning shopping,
And got 4 really cute dresses.
But for some reason,
I can't upload the pictures,
From my camera to the PC.
When I figure it out,
I'll post the pictures,
I got one pink and black,
A pink one, a white one, and a gray and blue one.
They are all so adorable,
Now the weather needs to warm up,
So I can wear them.
But now my anxiety is through the roof,
Because tonight we are doing family dinner,
And going out to a buffet.
I'm so nervous about it,
So much food,
And so many prying eyes.
I know I won't be able,
To keep the food down,
And that's disappointing.
Yesterdays weight was not a mistake,
I got on the scale this morning,
And my weight is still 95lbs.
My laxie amount is going up,
Yesterday was 12,
And I still didn't go to the bathroom.
It's very frustrating,
That I have to,
Keep taking more and more.
I think I'm going to wear,
One of my dresses,
Out to dinner tonight,
If the wind calms down.
I hope you're all doing ok,
Lots of love,
Thursday, February 27, 2014
But my weight went down,
I checked, then double checked,
And the scale kept reading,
I mean I'm not complaining,
I just wish I felt it.
Instead of feeling like a fat cow.
I hate how I feel this way,
Even on days when I've dropped,
Like a miserable fat lard.
I want to take a minute,
To say thank you to Calla,
And Tam for responding,
To my pen pals post.
I'm excited now,
To meet new people,
And make new friends.
Anyway, I'm gonna rest my head,
I've got a pounding migraine.
I hope you're all doing well.
Lots of love,
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
I've been thinking,
I know, dangerous :D
But I would love to have a pen pal,
One that we can not only exchange letters,
But packages as well.
I would love someone,
From a different country than me,
And I would love to get started this week.
In my new revision of my life,
I want to make new friends,
Or get to know some old ones.
Please tell me that one of you,
Is interested in doing this with me.
Please, Please, Please :D
Lots of love,
I knew I was going to purge it,
But it just sounded too good to pass up.
While in the bathroom purging,
I started having chest pains,
And there was blood in my vomit.
With the chest pains,
I thought I was having,
Another heart attack.
So I drove myself to the hospital,
They did an EKG and had me
Hooked up to a heart monitor.
Then they did an ultrasound,
And that's where they found out,
I had tore a hole in my esophagus.
They gave me some fluids,
Some pain meds,
And this numbing medication,
That I had to swallow.
They sent me home with the numbing stuff,
And want me to take it
For the next week.
The hole wasn't big enough,
To need stitches,
They told me to be on liquids,
For the next few days,
Which for the most part,
I think I can handle.
I did have cereal for breakfast
This morning, which was painful,
And my throat is so sore.
I did gain a pound since yesterday,
But I'm blaming that on the fluids,
That they gave me through the IV.
Honestly, I don't know if this scares me,
Enough to quit the purging,
Which is a sad realization.
I feel like Ana has her hands,
Tightly wrapped around my throat,
And she won't stop squeezing.
I feel like I'm stuck again,
In this vicious cycle,
Of my eating disorder behaviors.
Do you think this would scare you,
To stop your eating disorder behaviors?
To stop the things you do every day?
I would love to hear from you,
Lots of love,
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
And she was talking about addiction,
I, myself have dealt with this addiction,
For almost 2 whole years.
Over the course of the last year,
I am really seeing the repercussions,
Of the laxatives on my body.
If some of you remember,
We had a cancer scare,
I now solely depend on them,
To be able to go to the bathroom.
I'm taking anywhere between,
10-15 stimulant laxies a day.
I'm on two different meds,
For my abdominal pain a day.
With it being eating disorder awareness week,
I've been reading a lot of stats,
On eating disorders.
I've read that addiction to;
Drugs and alcohol coincide,
With having an eating disorder.
I am very lucky,
That I don't deal with,
Those kind of addictions.
I know that a lot of you ladies,
Have or had issues with other addictions.
And for that you have my prayers.
I've been told that,
Will have lifelong effects on my body.
I wish my ex best friend,
Would have never introduced them to me.
But I can't blame her, it's my fault really.
What other addictions do you have?
Have you dealt with addiction in your past?
I'd love to hear your stories.
Lots of love,
Monday, February 24, 2014
I am cleaning house;
Of so called friends.
Yesterday a close "friend" of mine,
Ended our friendship,
Because she doesn't agree with my decisions.
It made me realize that,
My friends are dropping like flies.
And I can't do anything about it.
It just shows,
They weren't my friends,
To begin with.
So my first step in cleaning house,
Was I deleted like 60 people,
Off of my Facebook.
Then I went through my phone,
And deleted a ton of numbers.
Mostly people who've used me.
I'm fuckin over it,
I'm tired of having fake friends,
And I'm tired of being used.
So in other news,
It's eating disorder awareness week.
So I changed my profile pic on Facebook,
To the NEDA ribbon.
I asked other people to do the same,
Only two of my friends did so.
Which was sweet of them,
I just wish that eating disorders,
Got the awareness that they deserve.
People don't realize how serious the are.
I'm getting sick,
Thanks to my youngest,
Who gave T and I his cold.
I'm thinking of getting a PO Box,
So I can start writing and receiving mail,
From all of you beautiful ladies.
If you would like to be pen pals with me,
Shoot me an email,
That would be so exciting.
I hope you're all doing well,
Lots of love,
Sunday, February 23, 2014
The scale read 97.2 this morning.
I'm not sure what I'm doing different,
But I'm not going to question it.
I had miss J over this weekend,
It was nice to spend some time with her.
She is quickly becoming my best friend,
I love that I can be myself around her.
Today has been a rough day,
The ed thoughts won't stop.
Even though the scale read lower,
I can't help but have a fat day.
I spent the day cleaning,
Hanging out with J for a bit,
And spending time with my mom.
She is up here for the day.
I don't have much else to say,
Hope you're all doing well.
Lots of love,
Friday, February 21, 2014
I lost 2lbs,
That puts me at a beautiful 98lbs.
I was so ecstatic when I got on the scale,
I couldn't believe after almost two weeks,
The number finally budged,
And in the direction I wanted.
I'm still writing my thoughts down,
In my small journal ever chance I get.
It's filling up pretty fast though,
Which I suppose is a good thing, or bad?
Tonight is date night with T,
And I'm having a ton of anxiety;
Mostly because I'm starving,
But don't want to mess up my progress.
So something that you don't know about me,
Is that I have a slight addiction to scratch tickets.
Well I was playing a brand new one that just came out,
And I ended up winning 500 bucks on it!
So needless to say,
I'm treating T out to dinner and a movie.
He does so much for me,
That I just want to show him a little gratitude.
So far today my food intake has been 290,
My exercise has been 412,
Which makes my net;
-122cal for the day.
So dinner shouldn't be too much of a nightmare,
I'll allow myself to eat,
Also because I've taken 9 laxies today,
Which I know is terrible for me.
T and I went to the gym this morning,
There's this girl there,
I'll call her Blondie.
Wow is she perfect.
She is tall,
She is skinny,
She has perfect hair,
And a perfect body.
Blondie was on the stair stepper when I arrived,
I got on the stride machine where I thought I was doing well.
Until she got on the stride machine a few down from me,
And was on there the rest of the 45min I was there.
She was going faster than me,
Burning way more calories than me.
But she's weird,
She was smiling the whole time she was on it.
I can't help but wonder if she is "like me"
But how do you approach someone,
That you suspect might share an ed with you?
"Hey, are you anorexic too?"
Anyway, I am always watching Blondie,
She is everything that I want to be.
Or in a way, she kinda reminds me of;
The way that I see Ana in my head.
Maybe that is why I'm drawn to her.
Are there girls at your gym,
That you are constantly,
Comparing yourself to?
I hope this post finds you all well.
Lots of love,
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I absolutely love it.
I started boiling water to eat Ramen,
Just so I could eat and purge.
Just as the water was boiled,
I walked to the stove,
Pulled the pot off and tossed the water;
Down the drain.
What's the point of eating,
Strictly just to purge it.
So now I'm sitting here empty,
Chain smoking and watching TLC.
I took my oldest to an intake;
To get him a new therapist.
I'm hoping this time it works out,
It's a male therapist.
I just got done watching;
The Anna Nicole movie again.
I love that movie,
It's such a sad movie though.
I don't know what I'm doing for dinner,
I'm not hungry.
But I can't wait for T to get home,
Because then we are going to the gym.
I haven't been to the gym since Monday,
I feel like such a lazy ass.
I'm going to work out hard today,
Make it worth losing some weight.
I hope you're all doing well.
Lots of love,
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
It was a good session.
She had me read a poem,
She asked me what stage,
Of change that I am in.
We decided that I am between,
Contemplation and Preparation.
Meaning I feel stuck,
But I know there is a problem.
She had me pick up a new journal,
And a daily planner.
This journal is to track every thought,
I mean, as soon as the thought strikes,
I write it down.
So far, I'm doing pretty good.
The daily planner is because she wants me to set goals,
On a week to week basis.
So within this next week,
She wants me to pick 1 day I won't purge.
Then she wants me to also track,
How many laxatives I take each day.
I can do this in both my journal,
And my daily planner.
I have terrible anxiety over the 1 day thing,
A whole day without purging,
Unless I just don't eat.
I know that defeats the purpose.
In other news;
My weight is still the same.
I purged 3 times last night,
Once today; only cuz I can't purge cereal.
I want my weight to change already,
I hate being stuck in a rut.
I hate that I am still a fat pig.
Thank you all for connecting with me,
After my last post.
Lots of love,
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
I went to the gym twice yesterday,
Once by myself and once with T.
Despite going twice,
I still haven't lost any weight.
This is the longest I've been stuck.
But I know it's gotta change,
Sooner or later.
Then this morning,
T and I took 3 of our dogs for a walk.
That was nice,
So my net for the day so far is 50,
And I am ok with that.
I downloaded MFP again,
Just so I can track what I'm burning.
I was reading Ruby's blog this morning,
And she made a great point.
Blogger has been very quiet,
As of lately.
Which makes me wonder,
How are all of you doing?
How are things going with your ed's?
Are you getting better, or worse?
The rest of my day will be uneventful,
My youngest has a hearing screening,
After he gets out of school.
I'll probably skip lunch;
Instead take a nap.
I've been very tired lately,
My laxies keep me up at night,
Which in turn makes me fall asleep,
At like 9 or 10 at night.
I gotta go to the grocery store,
Pick up some chicken and milk.
We go through milk like crazy,
In this house.
Please feel free to leave a comment,
Tell me how you're doing.
I'm quite concerned.
Lots of love,
Sunday, February 16, 2014
And I apologize for acting so harshly.
Despite all the food I ate,
I didn't gain any weight (thanks to laxies).
Today has been a little bit better,
I had my cereal,
Toast for lunch,
And a small piece of chicken for dinner,
Which I purged.
Oh I also had a cupcake,
But I kept that down.
My laxie intake was 11 today.
Having my friend here last night,
And this morning was nice.
She helped ease my anxiety,
Plus I've missed hanging out with her.
I've got a lot accomplished today,
Filed T's paperwork,
Got some bills taken care of,
And spent some time with my youngest.
I made chicken cordon blu for dinner,
Had my best friend and T's dad over.
It's been a pretty calm evening.
Now it's time for walking dead.
I hope you all are doing well,
I'll post tomorrow.
Lots of love,
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Like the wax off of a burning candle.
I can't stand to look at myself,
I can't focus on anything else.
I ate all three meals today,
My cereal with milk (240cal),
Subway for lunch (600cal),
Two pieces of pizza for dinner (250cal).
That's a disgusting total of 1,090cal,
Oh my God I am freaking out.
The only thing purged is one piece of pizza,
And a total of 12 laxies today,
Which haven't started taking effect.
I went to the gym,
But only burned 260cal on the stride machine,
Which minus the one piece of pizza (125)
And my burned 260, puts me at;
705cal for the day.
This is why the weight isn't coming off,
This is why I'm stuck at 100.
My weight hasn't budged,
In an entire week.
I feel like the gym was a waste of time,
I feel like a gigantic whale.
I honestly don't care if it's Ana talking,
I am feeling miserable.
I took two Clonazapam,
To take the anxiety away.
They're not working either.
I'm on edge.
Now I feel like a raging bitch,
The Hulk; powerless to stop the negative outbursts.
I can't smile, I can't laugh,
I just want to crawl under a rock.
FUCK FUCK FUCK,
TOO MUCH FUCKING FOOD.
I AM A FAT FUCKING PIG.
THIS IS A MISERABLE FEELING.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Assuming that my weight stayed the same.
I woke up late,
Was rushed to get the kids to school.
I'm feeling huge today though,
And it doesn't help that I just ate,
270cal worth of chocolate ice cream.
It's kind of become my nightly ritual,
When I put the kids to bed,
I dig into my Ben and Jerry's ice cream,
And eat 1/4 pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie.
1/4 of a pint is 270cal,
Besides my breakfast,
It's the only thing that I keep down,
Except for tonight,
No I think I'll be purging my ice cream.
Yeah, I'm a failure,
Went and just purged.
And that all too familiar look from T,
Because he knows what I just did.
I hate letting him down,
I hate that I can't beat this.
I know I deserve better than that,
But I don't deserve to eat,
Or at least that's how I feel.
It seems like I'm being repetitive on here
I feel like my stats have gone down,
Because people are growing bored of reading,
And for that I am sorry.
Monday, February 10, 2014
And she was talking about forgiveness.
I struggle with forgiveness,
In many different aspects.
Sometimes I forgive too easily,
Sometimes I don't forgive at all.
In either situation,
They probably don't deserve it.
Something I've done recently,
Is I forgave my brother,
For molesting me for two years,
When I was 7 years old.
It felt good to forgive him,
I felt that we could have a relationship,
Without all the sickening feelings,
And the uncomfortableness.
Did he deserve my forgiveness?
No, probably not.
But I felt that it needed to happen,
In order for both of us to move on.
But there are two people in my past,
That I have a hard time forgiving.
One would be my father,
And the other is RJ.
In my father's case,
I know that forgiveness needs to happen.
I know that in some way or another,
I need to have a serious talk with him.
I need to let him know,
Exactly it is that I am holding onto.
But it's so difficult to talk to him,
Without it starting a fight.
He takes everything so personal,
And I feel like we couldn't have a talk,
Without it sounding like I am blaming him,
For every bad thing that has happened to me.
Had he been the present father I needed,
I wouldn't have ended up with RJ.
I wouldn't have been raped numerous times,
And I probably wouldn't be so fucked up.
And as far as RJ goes,
I don't think he deserves my forgiveness.
I think he needs to know what he put me through,
He needs to suffer the way he made me for 3 years.
For 3 years he put me through hell,
He hit me, raped me, belittled me,
In private and in front of others.
And for that I feel he deserves to suffer.
A lot of the times when I watch Dexter,
I feel like that's how RJ needs to end up.
He needs to know what it's like,
To be tortured and belittled.
If I ever came to the decision to forgive him,
Would it make me feel better?
For some reason, I don't think so.
I think it would make him feel like what he did,
Was ok, and it wasn't.
I think what would make me feel better,
Is if I could confront him and make him listen.
How my dark passenger is always with me,
Because of what he put me through.
So to forgive is something that I need to work on,
And I think I need to do is write a letter to my dad.
That way he can see what I have to say,
Without thinking that I'm blaming.
And with RJ, I need to find him,
And I need to make him listen to me.
I wish it wasn't so hard to find him,
I mean, we live in a small enough town.
I'll probably update later,
For now I just needed to vent.
Lots of love,
Sunday, February 9, 2014
It doesn't stop me from beating myself up all day.
I have felt bloated and like a blimp,
Since I first woke up this morning.
T was nice enough to stay home with my youngest,
While I went and got my nails and toes done.
That was relaxing for me,
I got to read a lot of one of my favorite books.
"In the water they can't see you cry."
It's written by Amanda Beard,
The American Olympic swimmer,
Who talks about her daily struggles.
She talks about dealing with bulimia,
alcoholism, and the pressures of being perfect.
Something that we can all relate to.
I've read the book before,
A couple of times.
But I always find myself coming back to it,
When I feel like I can't find anyone I can relate to.
I was reading another girls blog,
And she was talking about purpose and meaning.
She said something along the lines,
If we weren't here, the world will still continue without us.
I think this very though often,
About how Ana wants control,
And if she had it her way,
I wouldn't be here.
The world would still continue on without me,
The sun would still rise.
These are things she said,
But I can totally relate to what she is saying.
Thankfully I haven't let Ana have her way,
And I still wake up every morning.
I still make an effort to keep my eating,
Although I spend most of the day,
Consumed in eating disorder thoughts.
She hasn't won the battle just yet,
I still can tell the difference between the two.
I am still Katie,
I am still a mom,
I am just all of those things with depression,
Anxiety and an intense eating disorder.
Oh my God, the anxiety has been terrible lately.
If my anxiety pills didn't make me so tired,
I would be taking them constantly.
It's only after I put the kids to bed,
That I feel comfortable enough to take them.
And even then, if I take them,
I have to limit myself to two.
In reality, it takes about 4 to take the edge off,
But then the next day I'm paying for it.
So I deal with the two I can take.
My friends did come over last night,
We did end up drinking.
She made these awesome blueberry martinis,
They were so yummy.
I did end up eating a whole bowl of chili,
But purged it three times.
My friend said to me that I look healthier,
And of course my disordered brain said,
"Yeah, you're looking plump these days."
I did end up weighing myself,
Even after I said that I wouldn't.
But to my surprise,
It read 100.
I'm only two numbers away from my goal,
Til I'm ok with my weight.
Two little numbers,
Hopefully it won't take much to get me there,
And to stay there,
I hope this post finds you well,
I love you all.
Lots of love,