Monday, November 25, 2013

Here's an update/sorry for my absence

I apologize for not writing in so long. Things have been tense around here. T and I are dealing with a lot of issues that need to be fixed in our relationship. Over the course of the last two years, well since Ana became an everyday part of my life, we have been slowly slipping away from each other. Add on the stress of 3 kids and 4 dogs, life has been stressful for us.
On the eating disorder front, I seem to be doing pretty well. I've only slipped twice since I've been home. I regret it, but as you know, when that feeling comes, it kind of overwhelms you. I've put on 5lbs since I've been home. So as of right now, I am at 96lbs. Getting closer to those triple digits. The thought of that still scares me. I don't know what it is, but I'm terrified of getting to 100. My ultimate goal weight is 110lbs.
I've been going to the gym all week. T got a membership at the same gym as me, so we have been going together. It's kind of nice to have some company. I can't do any cardio just quite yet. I run out of breath too quickly and my heart rate gets entirely too high. I think it's because of my smoking recently. I'm at over a pack a day. It's terrible. But I'm enjoying going to the gym. My legs look awesome and so does my butt ;-) Maybe I'll post a pic on my next post.
I wanted to say a big thank you to every single one of my readers. Whether I know you personally, or here through blogger, you all make me feel so very special. I can't believe how many friends I have made through my blog and how close I have become to so many of you. And I want to say a big thank you to Bella. Your email made me cry and I apologize for not writing you back right away. But I wanted you to know that I feel so much closer to you after reading your email. As for the rest of you, thank you for loving me, praying for me, and supporting me. You have no idea how much all of your comments mean to me. So thank you. I hope you're all doing well. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, November 17, 2013


It's a secret I've been forced to live,
I feel like I've got nothing left to give.
A word that people shy away from,
Incest; it's only happened to some.
I hurt inside everyday quietly,
It feels like I'm dying silently.
My body's been used my whole life,
It's the reason why I hold this knife.
The images of my past always haunt me,
I wish I could lock them away and lose the key.
I'm drowning in my own self hate,
It seems this was written as my fate.
I've tried so hard to forget my past,
I wonder if my next breath will be my last.
I'm hurting so bad,
I always seem to be so sad.
Tears fall silently down my face,
Dear Lord, get me out of this place.
I scream but no one seems to hear,
I seem to be crippled by my fear.
He took something that didn't belong to him,
I pray that he'll pay for his sin.
I was only a child, so innocent and young,
I quietly cried and always bit my tongue.
My innocence and childhood ripped away,
I live with the pain every single day.
I don't ever see forgiveness in my heart,
Instead, I'm slowly falling apart.
I need someone who understands,
That will help me take a stand.
It seems like I will forever suffer,
All at the hands of my brother.

Treatment failed

So when I woke up on Thursday morning, I was a wreck. I had forgotten to take my pills the night before which always leads to an emotional day the next day. I had a migraine since 5:30am, and I didn't sleep well. My hair wasn't cooperating, my eyes looked like I had been awake for days. I knew that Thursday was going to be a disaster, and boy was I right.
When I got to program, my name is on the nurses white board to have my weigh in. It was killing me not knowing my weight. I told her I felt light headed and she checked my blood pressure. It was 88/56, but my pulse was through the roof. Before I had even made it to breakfast I had made the decision that I was going home. Breakfast came. Too much food to eat and none of it was good. But I finished it just so I wouldn't have to boost.
I found my therapist after breakfast and told her how I was feeling. I felt like a fucking child. I couldn't go to the bathroom when I wanted to, and never by myself. I couldn't go smoke a cigarette when I wanted to. I went from smoking over a pack a day to having one every 4 hours. Of course I was going to be a bitch. I told my therapist that I was wasting my time, their time, and insurance's money. That I could do recovery on my own and that I didn't belong there.
She wasn't happy with me. By this point my eyes were all puffy and red from bawling my eye out. She said that it wasn't me talking, that it was my eating disorder. She said I wasn't well enough to leave. I begged her for her permission but she wouldn't give it to me. So I told her that I was sorry, but I was going home. She proceeded to tell me that I would be discharging against medical advice and that if I ever wanted to come back, my insurance wouldn't cover it.
So I started to try to get the ball rolling on me going home. But no one was cooperating with me. My discharge time kept getting pushed further and further back into the day. So then lunch came. And what a nightmare that was. Thursdays are challenge days, so they took all of us out to Black Eye Pea. I couldn't find anything that sounded good or didn't give me high anxiety. I finally ordered the pot roast, and at a small bit of it. I ended up having to boost when we got back to program. I didn't even want to be out in public because you could tell I've been crying all day.
When we got back to program, I ended up sneaking away and purging my lunch. I didn't really want to, but I was so frustrated, anxious and emotional, and I really didn't want to keep the food in my stomach. I finally started to fill out the discharge papers, and was hoping to get back to the house to pack my stuff and head home. Then I found out that no one is at the house until 6pm so I had to wait til then to get my stuff anyway. So I ended up eating dinner at program too. It was disgusting and I was so frustrated with everyone. So I processed dinner, got in my car and raced back to the house. I was hoping to be gone by the time all the girls got back and I was packing my car up when they pulled up.
One of the girls came up to me and begged me to stay. She said that I was too sick and that it was my eating disorder that wanted to leave. I told her that I appreciated her caring but I knew that I wanted to go home and not stay there any longer. Finally, I got in my car and headed home.
I've been doing pretty good since I got home. I'm eating the majority of my meals and I am up to 94lbs. So I've put on 6 ugly pounds since Monday. I don't feel sexy. I feel huge. But I feel proud of myself. At least I'm doing it. I'm not sure if I'll ever like my body. I didn't at 81lbs, and I didn't at 115lbs. The best I can do is try. The one thing I've noticed is that I do have more energy and I'm able to do things around the house again. So we will see where this journey takes me. I want to thank you all for the continued support and prayers. You girls are what gets me through the dark time. So thank you so much. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


There are so many emotions that I am experiencing at the moment. I think the strongest emotion I'm feeling is frustration. I feel like all I am doing while I'm here is eating and talking about feelings. I know that that's a big part of recovering from an eating disorder, but can we calm the fuck down on food for a bit? It's absolutely killing me not knowing my weight. If I had to guess, I'm probably up 5 whole pounds from Monday. I can feel it, especially in my stomach and my thighs. I look like a blimp.
I met with my therapist today. The session is kind of a blur to me. I was exhausted today and drifted in and out of sleep all day. But I do remember telling my therapist that I am a fat cow and that I am not sick enough to be in treatment. That's when she told me that she can tell how tight of a grip my eating disorder has on me. That I am sicker than I think and I need treatment. I was honest with her and told her that I don't really want to be here and the main reason why I came to treatment is so I can be around for my kids. I told her that I am not at all recovery focused and I won't be sad if my insurance doesn't cover longer than the 8 days for me.
I feel guilty for feeling that way, and I know that until I fully want recovery, I am going to be stuck in my eating disorder. But for me, I just don't feel like I need treatment. I don't feel like my eating is that disordered. I don't feel like I'm underweight. I still feel like I could lose some weight. That another 10lbs won't jeopardize my health. There are other girls out there who deserve to be in treatment way more than I do.
I handed over my laxatives to the staff this morning, but only after taking some to get me through the day. Now I officially don't have any and I've already had several anxiety attacks about it. They are my crutch and they are what get me through each day. Knowing that I won't have them for me to take tomorrow morning is freaking me out. I can't promise that I won't go out and buy some the next chance I get alone. They can't just expect me to quit cold turkey. In fact, my psychiatrist told me yesterday that it might do some damage if I quit taking them all at once. That it might be a better idea for me to taper off of them.
So all in all, I am not doing that great. I can't stand all of this food. I feel like a beached whale. There are way too many emotions for me to process at one time. And to top everything off, I think I'm coming down with a cold. I'm miserable. But that doesn't surprise me. Maybe I am one of those people that can't be happy unless they're miserable. I hope you all are doing well. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Monday, November 11, 2013

First day of treatment

I am filled with so many emotions today. I can't sort them out straight because I don't even know which ones I am feeling. I guess first of all, I'm feeling pretty lonely. I know a break is what I needed, but I don't like being alone. It's really when all the thoughts of Ana tumbling in. For the past two hours, I have been chewing on my mouth. It hurts and is bleeding, but I can't seem to stop. I forgot my mouth guard at home, so I'll probably be chewing all through the night as well.
It was a very long and emotional day for me. I didn't do much crying. Not saying that I didn't want to, because I did. But for some reason, the tears wouldn't come. It felt like there was an invisible wall blocking them. I ate lunch and dinner at program, which was especially hard for me. It's the first food I've kept inside me in... well, I don't know how many days. I did take 6 laxies before I got to program, which caused me all kinds of pain today. I know that I need to turn my laxatives over to the staff tomorrow, and that is creating a high amount of anxiety for me. I'm not sure I am ready for that. The doctor did order me some Miralax but I know that it don't work near as good for me. I was honest with everyone today and told them that I have become addicted to the laxatives and that it's going to be hard for me to kick them. I am freaking out about giving them away.
Today was a whole lot of filling out paperwork and meeting my treatment team. Tomorrow will be my first whole day. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. All three meals. Ugh, I'm already dreading it. I'm trying to be positive about all of this, but it's so hard because I feel so uncomfortable full. And it's been 4 hours since dinner. And starting tomorrow I'll probably have a night time snack.
Ok now I'm just rambling. I will try to compose a better post tomorrow. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Leaving tomorrow

My pink suitcase is staring at me. Taunting me. I stare back at it knowing what it holds. All my clothes, shoes, pills are in there. Mostly leggings and baggy shirts. Then there's the bag that has all my bathroom needs in it. The only thing missing from in there is all my makeup and my hairbrush. The two things I still need before I leave tomorrow.
My mom is up here for the day. We went to Kohl's and got me a couple more shirts for while I'm gone, and a robe. Afterwards, she took T and I out to lunch. I had an anxiety attack looking at the menu. Everything was deep fried or covered in grease. I chose something small and easy to purge. While waiting for our food, I took 6 more laxatives. That makes 12 so far for the day, and nothing is happening. I'm starting to freak out. What if I go into treatment tomorrow and they put me on the scale and I've gained 4lbs from the fattening foods I ate today? Maybe 6 more laxatives and that will be it for the day.
I dropped the boys off with their dads this weekend. I cried. I am going to miss them so much. My youngest didn't want me to go. He kept holding onto my hand and telling me that he loves me. It pretty much broke my heart. And then there's T. I don't know how I'm going to handle being away from him so long. I've been thinking that I won't send him any pictures of me while I'm gone so he can see the difference when I come back. I'm going to miss our mornings, just smoking and talking.
I'm just rambling. I apologize. I'm just an emotional wreck and don't know how I'm going to handle all of this. I hope everyone is doing well.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, November 7, 2013


Well here's the good news: My insurance accepted me and I will start treatment this coming Monday.
The bad news?: I'm nervous as fuck. I am scared. I am about to have an anxiety attack.
T asked me why I'm nervous. Like he said, I know what to expect. But in reality, I'm terrified of gaining the weight. The triple digits scare me. I know that my healthy weight is around 110, but to me, that just seems like so much.
I feel like I need to lose more weight before I go. That's sick I know, but I feel like I need to be the tiniest there. If I could just lose a few more pounds before Monday, then I'll still be ok.
I'm going to miss my boys so much when I'm gone. They don't know how long I'll be gone. But I know I won't be here for Thanksgiving. Ugh, Thanksgiving. One of the times of the year that all of us can't stand. I wonder how they will do Thanksgiving in treatment. I hope they won't try to over feed us. That would be a nightmare.
Well I don't have much more to talk about, but I thought I would let you all know what is going on with that. Maybe I'll do a proper update this evening. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

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Ramen Ritual

We'll call it RR. It goes like this. A bowl of ramen sitting in between me and my computer. My screen on Blogger. A tortilla to my left on the desk and my drink on my right. Take a bite. Take a drink. Tear off a piece of tortilla, fill it with ramen, roll it up, eat it. Take a drink. This is probably my favorite and preferred way to eat. My youngest son is in his room for quiet time, T is at work, my oldest at school, so I'm all alone. I wish I could eat alone everyday. It's peaceful, and I am able to go off to the bathroom after finishing eating without any disturbances. The RR is my favorite. Ramen is such an easy food to purge, even with the tortilla. Most days I should say. After my RR, I went off to the bathroom, bent over the toilet and just let it all go. Most of it anyway. I could feel there was more, but my throat was raw. I came back out to read some more blogs and there's Ana's voice, "You know it's not all out. You have to go finish what you started." So I go to the bathroom once again. This time I'm in there for more than 5 minutes. Forcing my fingers further and further down my throat. By the time everything is out, there's spots of blood in the toilet, along with the remainder of my food. I flush and look in the mirror. Damn it, I popped my vessels in my eyes. Now everything is all blurry and I have a raging migraine.
While typing this, I'm thinking to myself, if it hurts so much, and it has all these negative effects on you, then why put yourself through it? Well honestly, it's for that empty feeling. With my blood sugar levels being so low, I know that I must eat to keep myself from passing out again. But damned if I keep it in there. Which is counter-productive, I know. I feel empty, but still feel heavier. Which leads me to believe I still didn't get it all. Even now, I'm thinking about running off to the bathroom once more to see if I got it all. But I'm out of Sprite, so if there is anything left, it will be more painful than last time.
In other news, I drove 30 minutes yesterday to meet with this new psychiatrist, just to find out that my appointment was actually at 1, not at 2. So after a big hurrah and me getting extremely pissed, they rescheduled my appointment for Friday morning. I called EDCD (the treatment center) to let the admissions lady know what happened, then she turned around and called my insurance this morning and kind of lit a fire under that lady's ass for giving me the wrong time. She called me back and told me to get the lab work from the hospital visit over the weekend, fax it to her and she'll fax it to my insurance. They can come up with a decision as early as this afternoon. After talking with the admissions lady, we decided that this coming Monday would be best for me to start. But that's only if my insurance approves me. I took a look at my lab work and the only things that were a little on the low side were my red blood cell count and my potassium. But not enough to worry about I guess.
My weight did go back down to 91lbs this morning. So that's a plus. I got worked up over nothing. I'm not sure what happened for my weight to go up 2lbs yesterday, but it made for a really cranky day. I hate that my weight determines what my day and mood is going to be like. I'm sure you all can relate. So a big thank you for all the comments and reassuring remarks on yesterday's post. I really appreciate it. Even the ones that weren't sugar-coated. It really helped. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, November 5, 2013


I am not worthy of food. I don't deserve to eat. I am fat swine. I am up 2lbs. Back to an ugly, disgusting, embarrassing 93lbs. I feel the fat just building up around my bones. I am taking up so much space. Just sitting here on my computer chair, I feel like I'm piling over the sides.
I need to be empty. I need to not eat. I'll never get into treatment being the fat ass that I am right now. They will take one look at me and laugh. I'm not sure how I gained those 2lbs back. Yesterdays intake was low, plus purging and laxatives. I just don't understand. I must not be disciplining myself enough. I'm letting myself get away with shit that is causing me to be fat. That changes today. I had my bowl of cereal, took 6 of my laxies, and that's it for the day. No more food and more laxies. That's the only way I'm going to be skinny.
I meet with a new psychiatrist today. It was a necessity in order for me to qualify for treatment. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's just another person I have to pour my heart out to in hopes that she might be able to help me. In case they haven't realized, I'm broken. I'm not fixable.
My mom said to me yesterday after finding out why I was in the hospital Saturday night, "I thought you were happy. Why are you trying to kill yourself?" I then tried explaining to her that I'm depressed and my eating disorder is the only aspect in my life which I have any control over. It's my only way to cope with how I feel. I don't know if she will ever understand. But that's ok. She doesn't have to. No one does. This is my illness and I've got to figure out a way to deal with it.
According to my therapist, she wrote down a goal for me to eat an apple a day since last Friday to this coming Friday when I see her. I haven't ate one. She also wanted me to keep at least one dinner down this week. I haven't done that either. She's going to be very disappointed in me. My uncle also wanted me to stop taking my laxies. That hasn't happened. I'm just letting everyone down around me. But as I told T this morning, this is such a heavy boulder to carry around all by myself. I can't put it down because I rely on it, but I can't carry it myself because it's going to crush me. So instead I'm stuck. Just holding it on my shoulders. I hope you're all doing well.
XOXO Katie

Saturday, November 2, 2013


The pain in my head is back again. Living with chronic migraines ruins my days sometimes. I pop migraine medicine like it's going out of style. 
My weight is back down to 91 as of this morning. I was just happy to see a change. I'm pretty sure I had a wicked stomach flu yesterday. I was nauseous all day and couldn't keep anything down even if I wanted to. I was miserable. Bent over the toilet dry heaving and bawling my eyes out. I don't ever want to be that sick again. But it did finally make the scale budge. 
Halloween was alright. T and I spent the whole day together. It was lovely. I enjoy days when it's just the two of us. We did some shopping and just had a wonderful time. 
I met with my therapist yesterday, finally. It was nice to see her and talk to her. I'm pretty sure she thought I was under the influence of something because I was so sick and so out of it. She brought up that my insurence got a hold of her about me going to treatment. She told me that she isn't sure if treatment will help me in the long run, that it's just a temporary fix. I told her that I'm not even sure I want to go for me. Mainly my kids are my motivation. She told me that's alright for now but that she'd like to see me go for me. 
On that topic, my insurance still hasn't approved me. They want an evaluation done by the psychiatrist I meet with on Tuesday first before they make a decision. But even then, the addmissions lady still isn't sure they will approve me. I really hate how hard it is to get treatment if you have an eating disorder. The death toll might go down if they took eating disorders more seriously. 
Well that's enough of my bitching. I just want to see a difference in this world when it comes to eating disorder awareness. Oh and I watched that Ana Nicole Smith movie. Oh my God it was amazing. It touched me in so many ways. Despite her drug issues, I think she was a  very strong woman. Anyway, I hope you all are doing well. I will catch up on blogs a bit later. Lots of love. 
XOXO Katie