My sweater has stains on the sleeves from where I wipe my tears and nose. Normally this would gross a "normal" person out, but to me, it's all too familiar. My pillows have puddles where my tears fall silently at night. Again, it's all too familiar. The disgusted look I get in the reflection of any mirror, or window, all too familiar. I find it hard to remember a day when a single tear didn't pass through my eyes.
With my recent engagement to T, I should be happy. It's not him nor our relationship that I'm not happy with; it's myself. Everything about the person that I have become disgusts me to my core. With throwing myself back into my ed, that just shows how selfish I am. Here I am, not in a better place than I was a year ago. As a matter of fact, was reading my post from a year ago today and I was day 14 in treatment. I was actually in a better place a year ago.
How did I let myself go? I thought I was going to finally beat this thing. Looking back through the events of this past year, there were so many significant times when I hit my lowest, picked myself up off the ground, only to fall back in the dirt.
I'm just a big fat failure. Maybe I'll be more optimistic tomorrow; yeah, probably not.
Hugs Katie <3 Please don't let yourself fall back. You can do it, I believe in you with 120%... the experiences, could this be related to the fact that you had to give up on your dancing job?
ReplyDeletexxx <3