You know, I started writing in a blog to be able to be open and be myself, but I'm finding here lately that when certain people read my blog, it somehow gets thrown back in my face. I won't go into detail, but pretty much how I feel is that if you don't like what you see written in here, either don't read it or keep it to yourself because I don't want to hear how I upset you with something I say.
With that being said, my mom came up today for her birthday. It was a pretty lovely day. We went and met with my son's therapist, then went to Best Buy so she could buy herself a new video game. Yeah, my mom's a gamer, be jealous ;) After that I took her out to lunch. I knew this was going to be tricky because just an hour before I finally revealed to her how I've relapsed and am purging and using laxatives again. Ultimately I got 3 plates of food but probably only ate about 400 calories. So my total intake for the day was an ugly 600cal. I'm not counting dinner because I purged most of it and worked off the rest of it. But I will be pissed if my weight goes up tomorrow.
My blood work came back from the doctors. It was all normal, as usual. So I asked my doc to fax the treatment center a copy so they can get the ball rolling on sending everything off to insurance. I'm not really getting my hopes up this time like I did back in January just to be turned down again. T keeps asking me what my back up plan is if I don't go into treatment. He told me this morning that right now I am going down one of two paths; either I am going to recover or I am going to die. There is no in between for me anymore. I don't think I have a backup plan, and if I don't come up with one, it will only be a short time before Ana kills me off. That would make her happy. Then I wouldn't be such a burden any longer.
My weight has been stuck at 92 for 3 days now. I was pretty upset about gaining a pound from Friday to Saturday, so if I could just lose that pound, I'll be happy, for a minute anyways. As always, I hope you're all doing well. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie
Meh, say whatever you want dear. None of us that care mind.
ReplyDeleteYour mom sounds awesome! I just went to Best Buy last weekend and bought the new Pokemon so I've been nerding out too. :)
I think T is right and he loves you so much. He loves you enough to stay beside you through this. Don't rob him of the love of his life.
Love you bunches sweets!
I fear the worst with the treatment too honey. They should take you in, they should... this is one of these things which makes me hate the world little bit more.
ReplyDeleteAnd T has a point too. You need a plan B... I would hate to see you to be one of those who just stop existing. You can't do that Katie, you will survive from this. I believe in you and so do many other people.
...And ugh, I know... people shouldn't put their noses in personal places and get upset about it.
Hugs, looooooove you lots, so stay safe <3
Don't listen to anyone who doesn't understand you - people are rude when they are confused... and then make themselves look like stupid assholes. I think your blog is beautiful and I love to read what you have to say - always stay true to yourself and those who care about the true you will stick around.
ReplyDeleteI have also started purging and using laxitives again (that will probably by my post for the day, actually) ...I always think I want to stop, but the fear of gaining (especially when I have a lot more to lose) gets under my skin.
Stay strong, my dear. Oh, and your YouTube video was great. :D
xoxo
I know I may have ranted in my last comment, but I hope mine wasn't the one that upset you...sometimes I have word vomit. I'm glad your mom's birthday went well, and yes, it's awesome she's a gamer. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that your mom and you had a good time together, for the most part.
ReplyDeleteI do have to say that I agree with T. There are only two paths for you to go down, and I would choose the recovery one. I really hope your treatment goes through, but if it doesn't go through, what then?
I need you and so do your kids, your mom, T, and many other people. Please stick around. Sending you hugs. Xxx <3
Some people think they understand and know better but really they don't. It's best not to listen to them. But it's easier said than done because they get on my nerves sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYour mom sounds cool and I'm glad you spent a wonderful time with her. :-)
I wonder why lab results should be their basis for you getting treatment or not? I honestly think you do need the treatment. Why do they have to wait until something in those lab tests goes wrong? I hope you don't give up, dear. I know you're strong and you love your family and your family loves you.
By the way I just saw your video. You're an amazing person. Big big hugs to you. ♡♡♡
I have been faced a few times with the decision of "stop what I'm doing or die." It's not a pretty thing to have to face, but under those circumstances I'm too much of a pussy to keep pushing it. Fact is, I don't want to die, not yet and not in a way that could have been prevented. I hope one day you wake up and decide you just can't do it anymore, and at that point you either face the real reasons behind why you're killing yourself or you commence with whatever you were doing. I don't know anything about an eating disorder, but I do know about people, and those of us with "habits" do self destructive things for very specific reasons. Gotta face that reason. I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteHi Katie! I just found your blog. You're the only person that I've found so far that is older with a family of their own like me. I always feel so guilty because I'm a mom and supposed to be a good role model. I hate the thought of hurting them or my husband...Anyway, I'm going to start from the beginning and work my way through. I can really relate to you so much. Take care.
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