Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Pregnancy and Ana

So the assumption was that as soon as I got pregnant, that Ana would just disappear and I would be fully recovered. I wish that was the case. I wish that as soon as I got pregnant that the terrorizing voices would dissipate, but they are still there on a daily basis. Especially if I eat triggering foods.
The other night I ate Ramen for the first time in months. It was terrible. The only reason why I ate them is because I was literally craving it. Even as I was eating them, I was regretting it. And after I was done, all I wanted to do was purge them. I mean, this is a food that I would eat just for the soul purpose of purging it in the past.
This is just one of the many struggles that I deal with daily. I am still smoking pot. My doctor knows and pretty much told me that the benefits outweigh the risks. Smoking takes away the anxiety and helps me eat. But if I don't smoke, I don't have an appetite and then I won't eat. It's terrible.
My weight has gone up 6lbs since I found out I was pregnant. Most days I can deal with it, other days, I am dreading how much weight I am going to gain throughout the pregnancy. Since I was considered underweight at the beginning of my pregnancy, they want me to gain 35lbs. This terrifies me. That would put me at 140lbs again. That's what I weighed before I became hard and heavy into my eating disorder.
T worries that I will go running back to Ana as soon as the baby comes, and honestly I can't blame him. It's such an easy thing to turn to when you're desperate. I am not saying that I will turn to my eating disorder once the baby comes, but I am not going to lie; it would be really simple to turn to something so familiar.
I am seeing my therapist this morning. I've only seen her once since I found out I was pregnant. At the time I was so ecstatic about being pregnant, I didn't eve think that I would ever have to deal with Ana again. As I've gotten further along, I've realized that isn't the case. I've realized that pregnancy isn't the fix all for an eating disorder.
I love being pregnant. I love the idea of bringing another life into this world and sharing that experience with the love of my life. I'm excited to be a mom again and hopefully this time to a little girl. There are far too many boys in this house lol.
I'm not saying this will be an easy journey, because I'm pretty sure there are a lot of bumps in the road ahead, but I'm not going to let Ana win. I can't give her the satisfaction of being right all the time and not allowing me to have a life without her in it. She will always be there, but I don't have to let her drive any longer. I'm in control, this is my life, not hers.
Thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. I miss you all so dearly and I can't wait to get updates from all of you.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Being pregnant with an eating disorder

First off, I want to thank all of you for continuously checking up on me and seeing how I am doing. Let me get you all caught up...
As you can tell from my post title, I am pregnant! I know, exciting news. T and I are both convinced that God gave me what I wanted just as soon as I gave him what he wanted, and that was Recovery. As soon as I became recovery focused, God gave me a baby.
Things with the baby have been good, although it hasn't been easy. Trying to maintain a healthy pregnancy but dealing with the voice of Ana has been hard. Most times when I eat, I can shut her up, but then there are days where I just can't get her out of my head. She is loud and screaming at me. Last night was one of those nights. I ate 2 whole pieces of cheesecake, by myself. And found myself crying afterwards and couldn't get those negative thoughts out of my head.
T told me last night that he can't imagine me going the remaining of my pregnancy fighting off Ana, because if things don't change, I am going to end up running back to Ana once the baby is born.
I do plan on doing a proper, informational post about what it's like to be pregnant and living with an apparent eating disorder. But to be honest, it's taken me two weeks to convince myself to get on blogger and post.
Unfortunately, I am not going to be able to read your posts, because I will find them triggering, and I am sorry for that. But I would love to get some emails about how each of you are doing individually or some comments on here. I also want to ask Bella if you got my letter? I sent you a letter about a month back and haven't heard from you by mail or email.
I miss you all so very much and I will try to keep you all updated on my life.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie