Well here's the good news: My insurance accepted me and I will start treatment this coming Monday.
The bad news?: I'm nervous as fuck. I am scared. I am about to have an anxiety attack.
T asked me why I'm nervous. Like he said, I know what to expect. But in reality, I'm terrified of gaining the weight. The triple digits scare me. I know that my healthy weight is around 110, but to me, that just seems like so much.
I feel like I need to lose more weight before I go. That's sick I know, but I feel like I need to be the tiniest there. If I could just lose a few more pounds before Monday, then I'll still be ok.
I'm going to miss my boys so much when I'm gone. They don't know how long I'll be gone. But I know I won't be here for Thanksgiving. Ugh, Thanksgiving. One of the times of the year that all of us can't stand. I wonder how they will do Thanksgiving in treatment. I hope they won't try to over feed us. That would be a nightmare.
Well I don't have much more to talk about, but I thought I would let you all know what is going on with that. Maybe I'll do a proper update this evening. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie
I'm so glad to hear that insurance pulled through for you. Going into treatment will always be anxiety inducing, it's a big change regardless of weight gain. I know you feel you have to lose more weight, and the days between now and treatment will probably be hellish, but I'm so proud of you for going through with this. Missing one thanksgiving is a small price to pay for all the holidays you'll be around for in years to come. Take care dear. Focus on getting through the next few days as best you can xx
ReplyDeleteI think it's not just about gaining weight. This means that you have to let go of your past and what you allow to hold you back now. It means you have to grow somewhere and anywhere and you have to learn to be the person you were supposed to be without your ED. I didn't know who to be. I went to college not only because I wanted to, but because anorexia made me an extremely high achiever. Got here, realized that even though I want to achieve, I'm not crazy driven like it made me. I just wanted to be me, procrastination, easy going, and all. You have to be open to the fact that this isn't about your weight. It's about the fact that a lot of terrible things happened to you as a child that you couldn't choose. People hurt you. You made bad choices, you lived and did what you could to survive but now you don't need that. You have beautiful children and a loving fiancé. You don't need that life anymore. I didn't know how to feel that everything had settled and I was left with the emotional after math. I felt angry. I needed my ED. I clung to it because I didn't know how to live a healthy life and it scared me anyway. Now I'm letting myself grow at my own pace while still challenging myself and my negative thoughts. It's rough but having the support of loved ones really eases that. Please just keep it in mind. Beauty isn't a one size fits all thing. Heck, you saw me. I'm tall and I weigh what you would consider weighing in a nightmare, but you know what? I wouldn't go back. Not ever. It's worth it. Tons of prayers and love.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad this came through!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to learn that you can finally be able to undergo treatment, Katie! It won't be easy but I wish you all the best and do know that I am one of those who continue to support you. Much love to you and may God bless you on your journey to recovery! Hugs! ♡ :-)
ReplyDeleteIts so wonderful that your insurance pulled through for you!! I hope that they help you I know that it's scary but you deserve to be healthy and happy. You are so brave for doing this for yourself and I'm so so proud of you. Stay safe I believe in you!!
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