Wednesday, April 1, 2015

It isn't easy

I know I haven't posted in awhile, but I've been lurking. I've been reading but don't know what to say. I don't have a whole lot of encouraging words because I, myself, have been struggling.
I was reading Kate's post yesterday about breastfeeding and having an eating disorder. A lot of people don't understand how hard it is. Pregnancy was hard because I was eating so much to grow a healthy baby. But now that Syrsha is here, it seems to be harder. I know that if I engage in behaviors, it doesn't directly affect her, but it affects every other aspect of my life.
T has already told me that if I relapse, he'd have no choice but to remove her from my life. Which honestly, I don't blame him. I have already let Ana affect my boys. If I ever let Syrsha catch a glimpse of Ana, I would never forgive myself. I want to give her every possible chance to have high self esteem and love herself. She deserves that. If she knew I hated myself and beat myself up everyday, she'd probably turn out to do the same.
So with breastfeeding, I have to keep my calorie intake up so I can keep my supply up. It's frustrating because I know that I'm giving her the best she deserves, but every time I eat more than what I'm comfortable with, I find myself wanting to give into the urge.
I've been religiously going to the gym every other day. I do 20 minutes of cardio and do about 40 minutes of lifting. I know I should probably do more cardio to help burn calories, but I'm trying to tone my body. I have so much loose skin that needs to be defined. Pregnancy wrecked my body.
My weight has been bouncing between 102 and 104. The days I'm 104, I struggle more, obviously. But anyway, I'm going to leave you with a few pictures. I lost a lot of pictures on my SD card because I downloaded a stupid App that corrupted and damaged it. But I'll post what I got.