tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81435452863687924472024-03-05T08:21:34.169-08:00Stealing myself back from AnaKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.comBlogger186125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-55077622508213067732017-05-08T09:08:00.002-07:002017-05-08T09:08:23.854-07:00Facing demonsThings in my life have been so chaotic lately.<br />
I'm having a hard time focusing on any one thing.<br />
My brain is scattered and it takes me from reality.<br />
But this post is about facing my demons.<br />
Which demons you may ask?<br />
My father, my brother, my personal past.<br />
So let us start with my father.<br />
Since T and I got married in 2015,<br />
I've spoken to my father <i>maybe </i>a handful of times.<br />
About a month ago, we ran into each other at Walmart.<br />
It was awkward and lacked any connection.<br />
A week or so after, I missed a call from him.<br />
Given his past history of health problems <br />
And the fact there was a 4 minute voicemail of silence,<br />
I called him back <strike>twice</strike> to make sure he was ok<br />
His response? "Well I didn't mean to call you, why would I call you?"<br />
Um, well ok then. <br />
The thing about my father is that he is a narcissist.<br />
He's an alcoholic, and he never takes blame.<br />
He'll place blame til he's blue in the face,<br />
But that man can never do any wrong. <br />
I've driven by him in town a couple times,<br />
And he barely acknowledges me.<br />
I don't know why I try so hard to please him.<br />
I'm almost 28 years old, and I still want my fathers approval.<br />
Why, is beyond me.<br />
So that's been heavy on my mind.<br />
Then there's my brother Jeremy.<br />
The one who molested me as a young child.<br />
If you've been reading for awhile,<br />
You'll know that about 3 years ago I confronted him.<br />
After not talking to him in a very long time.<br />
Since then, I've learned to forgive him.<br />
I didn't forgive him for him,<br />
Or for the sake of my family. <br />
I forgave him because I needed to move on.<br />
We've hung out a few times with our kiddos.<br />
We talk several times a week and I enjoy it.<br />
But things are weird.<br />
He's awkward around me because he's afraid of crossing lines.<br />
He actually asked me last week if he could hug me.<br />
My mom doesn't understand why I've formed a relationship with him,<br />
And sometimes I feel like she feels bitter about it.<br />
We've opened up to each other about childhood,<br />
Things that I was too young to remember,<br />
Or things that have been omitted in fear of judgement.<br />
Let's just say that I understand him a bit better,<br />
And I feel closer to him as a sister.<br />
So for now, <br />
I'll leave my father alone because that's obviously what he wants.<br />
And as for my brother,<br />
We will continue to rebuild our relationship.<br />
Maybe I'll be back later this week,<br />
To do a proper update.<br />
Until then, stay lovely.<br />
XOXO KatieKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-85035654197137039442017-04-19T11:34:00.002-07:002017-04-19T11:34:26.828-07:00Big dayToday is filled with anxiety,<br />
And nervousness, and self doubt.<br />
Today is when I make myself vulnerable<br />
To a complete stranger.<br />
A person who is going to get overwhelmed<br />
With the amount of self loathing I keep inside.<br />
A couple weeks ago I made an appointment,<br />
For a consultation with a plastic surgeon.<br />
I'm not sure if I'll get anything out of this appointment,<br />
Or if I'm going to leave feeling worse than before.<br />
I think that's what I am afraid of.<br />
I don't want to get my hopes up,<br />
For them to be crushed, ya know?<br />
This last month has been especially rough,<br />
Regarding how I feel about my breasts.<br />
I try to avoid them all together,<br />
I try to avoid letting T see them.<br />
Sometimes I force myself to stare at them,<br />
And remember that this is my fault.<br />
I lack one of the main things that makes me a woman,<br />
And it's all because of my eating disorder.<br />
I don't feel sexy, EVER!<br />
I've been trying so hard to gain some weight,<br />
To help them come back on their own.<br />
But I even fail at that,<br />
So now I'm faced with this decision.<br />
What if the doctor thinks I'm crazy?<br />
What if he doesn't understand that this isn't for anyone,<br />
But myself?<br />
Majority of women I've talked to about breast implants,<br />
Did it for materialist reasons.<br />
Wait, is that what I'm doing?<br />
I want the boob job to have boobs,<br />
But not for anyone but myself,<br />
Does that make sense?<br />
My body dysmorphic tendencies,<br />
Are destroying my mental state.<br />
I know I've said this many times before,<br />
But is it so hard to ask,<br />
For me to be able to love myself?<br />
To not cry in the mirror on a daily basis?<br />
To accept my body in front of the one man,<br />
Who has shown me unconditional love and<br />
Never any judgement?<br />
I read a lot of articles about self love,<br />
About self esteem building,<br />
About body acceptance.<br />
But none of them have helped.<br />
Am I just a lost cause in that department?<br />
Do I just accept that this "meat suit" <br />
Is what I'm stuck with for the rest of my life?<br />
Despite my eating healthy <br />
And working out regularly,<br />
I'm still stuck,<br />
And it frustrates me to no end.<br />
So today, I am going to see this doctor,<br />
And poor out all of my emotions <br />
And my sad story<br />
And be vulnerable,<br />
And hope that someone can help me. Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-78866275361327462852017-03-26T09:03:00.003-07:002017-03-26T09:03:48.963-07:00Body acceptance?Hey there everyone in blogger world (if you're still out there.)<br />
I've been wanting to write this post for a few days, but with lack of time and trying to find the right words, it's all been a jumbled mess.<br />
My heart is hurting,<br />
Not just for me though.<br />
My heart is hurting for girls everywhere.<br />
I'm in a few different all women groups on Facebook,<br />
And some of the conversations between these women,<br />
Well they hurt my heart.<br />
This one in particular the other day is what triggered this post.<br />
It starts with the OP stating that she's tired of all the remarks about her body.<br />
She is naturally skinny, and still people feel the need to tell her what to do and not do to <i>HER </i>body.<br />
Then there's like 60 or so comments from women all over the world.<br />
Skinny girls, big girls, girls who fit the "normal" range,<br />
And ALL of them complaining about their imperfections.<br />
Most of the time, I don't pay too much mind to these posts,<br />
Either because they trigger feelings, or I know that my words won't have an effect anyway (which most of the time, they don't.)<br />
So, that's why I come here,<br />
Because I know someone will read it (especially other ED girls who understand.)<br />
<b>BODY ACCEPTANCE:</b><br />
This is something that almost every woman I've met struggles with.<br />
It's something that I still struggle with on a daily basis.<br />
Some days I say, "I just need to accept that this is how I'm supposed to look."<br />
The other 90% of days are the days I struggle.<br />
I don't usually give Ana the satisfaction of having a say,<br />
But instead, it's usually my own voice that projects those insecurities upon myself.<br />
Here's the thing though,<br />
WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST ACCEPT WHO I AM?!?!<br />
I'm working out on a regular basis, I've stopped counting calories, I don't weigh myself religiously.<br />
AND I STILL CAN'T ACCEPT WHO I AM!<br />
At 78lbs, I was too damn sick to do shit.<br />
I struggled getting out of bed, I struggled with picking my kids up, <br />
It hurt to walk, it hurt to sit,<br />
And I was hurting everyone around me.<br />
At my highest weight, I dreaded looking in the mirror.<br />
I was sucking it in to look skinnier, <br />
I was always covering myself in layers to hide my extra skin.<br />
And now here I am, stuck at this weight that won't budge.<br />
For the first time since I was 11 years old,<br />
I <b>WANT </b>to gain weight. <br />
Not a substantial amount, but 10lbs would be nice.<br />
10lbs would give me a bit more boobs,<br />
So then I would feel more confident.<br />
But is that Ana talking in a different voice? Who knows.<br />
What I do know is that I still can't stand my body,<br />
And it kills me to think that I'll forever be stuck in this perpetual cycle of not accepting myself,<br />
Until the day I die.<br />
That I'll go the rest of my unsatisfied with myself,<br />
While helping others accept themselves.<br />
That's a bit hypercritical, don't you think?<br />
My biggest goal with my children is for them to love themselves.<br />
To accept themselves for the beautiful beings that they are.<br />
That they don't have to change the way they look,<br />
That they don't have to change their hearts.<br />
That they don't have to change who they are for anyone.<br />
Meanwhile, the self hatred I have for myself lingers,<br />
Ever so subtle in the back of my head?<br />
But that's who I am, and I'm ok with that.<br />
I will <b>ALWAYS</b> put others first,<br />
Because it makes me happy to see the people I love happy. <br />
See, I told you this post was going to be a jumbled mess.<br />
There's just been a lot of feelings, a lot of insecurities,<br />
A lot of unanswered questions for myself.<br />
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing ok. <br />
I might spend some of the day catching up on some of your blogs.<br />
XOXO KatieKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-4084316128651247302017-01-04T16:18:00.002-08:002017-01-04T16:18:52.088-08:002017Next month it'll be 5 years since I've started blogging.<br />
And when I look back over these 5 years, it's bittersweet.<br />
When I think about how far I've come in 5 years, it's bittersweet.<br />
5 years ago, I was not in a good place.<br />
5 years ago, I was not the same person I am today.<br />
5 years ago, I would have given anything to be the weight I'm at today.<br />
But 5 years later, I am still not so happy with my weight.<br />
At the beginning of 2016 I made a *goal* to get to 110lbs.<br />
I was 104lbs, so 6lbs sounded pretty easy.<br />
At the end of 2016, I was 103lbs.<br />
Over the course 2016, the highest I got was 107.5lbs.<br />
2016 was a shitty fucking year.<br />
We got "conned" out of our house and was forced to move.<br />
We moved 35 minutes away from everything I grew up around.<br />
And although 35 minutes doesn't sound like much,<br />
When you have a toddler who hates her car seat, it is A LOT.<br />
I get to see my best friend once every couple of weeks.<br />
I can't just pop in the car and go to Walmart whenever I'm out of something.<br />
Financially, 2016 screwed us.<br />
Because of the move, our bills went up 650$ a month.<br />
No one wants to hire me because besides my cleaning business,<br />
It's been 3 years since I've had an application worthy job.<br />
I've been applying almost every day with no call backs and it's wearing on me.<br />
I feel like a failure as a wife because I can't even help T out with bills.<br />
I feel like a failure as a mother because I can't buy even little things for my kids.<br />
They get what they need, but not what they want.<br />
Because of all the stress, my patience for pretty much anything is minimal. <br />
I'm working on month 9 of this everyday migraine.<br />
Sometimes headache medicine works, but only for a couple of hours, then I'm taking more.<br />
<br />
Alright, I'm sorry, that was just a whole bunch of unnecessary bitching.<br />
Although I can't control outside forces, I AM GOING TO TRY TO MAKE 2017 BETTER!<br />
This year my goals (not resolutions) include:<br />
<i><br /></i>
<b><i>*Continue my journey to a healthy weight*</i> </b> I'm not going to set a specific number. Instead, I'm going to vamp up my workout routine (with very little cardio) and eat more <strike>ice cream</strike><br />
<b><i>*Start my cupcake business* </i></b>I am so passionate about baking and I take pride in my work. I would love to be able to get approved for a loan to start my business. Also, this would help with our money situation.<br />
<b><i>*Quit smoking* </i></b>I know this is something that needs to happen. My breathing is worse than ever. I don't actually enjoy it anymore. It's a habit that doesn't benefit myself or my children. It's expensive and I always smell like cigarettes. I know that this one is going to be harder because T smokes as well. But I know a part of him wants to quit as well.<br />
<b><i>*More self care* </i></b>I don't get nearly enough time for the things that I enjoy. I want to read more. I want to take more baths. I want to have more time to hoop, even if it's only 15-20 minutes a day. I want to write more as well, whether it be here or in my journal. <b>And quit picking my skin!</b> I absolutely can not stand how bad my face looks because I've been picking since I was 13.<br />
<b><i>*Buy our own home* </i></b>Or at least be in the process of buying. This is something we've been trying since May 2016, but every time we started, something else would get in the way. Because 2016 sucked!<br />
<br />
So there may be more, but I think this is a good start. I will write things on little sticky notes and stick them all over the house if I have to. These are the things that need to happen this year.<br />
I hope you all are doing well and hopefully I'll have a chance to catch up on some blogs in the next week. Sending everyone love and good vibes.<br />
XOXO Katie<br />
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My little chef in training</div>
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My loves</div>
<br />
<br />Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-89864706640532940102016-10-24T12:17:00.002-07:002016-10-24T12:17:31.136-07:00I'm doing good.......At least I'm pretty sure I am.<br />
I've got a lot going on<br />
Both in the physical and mental sense.<br />
4 weeks ago we moved into this new house<br />
And it still doesn't feel like home.<br />
There's still boxes left packed<br />
And the walls stay empty for the most part.<br />
The weekdays blend into each other,<br />
And the weekends go too fast.<br />
This new town is small,<br />
So small, there isn't even a coffee shop.<br />
I've got a choice of 2 parks for the kids,<br />
One infested with wasps,<br />
The other bores the kids quickly.<br />
I miss my best friend,<br />
I miss having coffee shops and thrift stores.<br />
But on the other hand;<br />
I've got to look at the upside.<br />
We're not homeless,<br />
We're not starving.<br />
We're healthy for the most part,<br />
And we're all together (well kinda.)<br />
I think mentally,<br />
Is where I'm struggling.<br />
I made a goal at the beginning of the year;<br />
To get to 110lbs.<br />
For the last 10 months, <br />
I fluctuate between 101 and 104.<br />
I can't get higher than 104,<br />
Even if it sticks for a few days,<br />
I'll eventually go back down.<br />
And this triggers Ana.<br />
She tells me that at least I was successful at losing,<br />
But I'm a failure at gaining. <br />
She tries to call me back to her,<br />
While I'm laying in bed at night,<br />
Trying to shut her up.<br />
I still have this constant migraine,<br />
Since May first.<br />
My doctor insisted it was poor nutrition (fuck you bitch)<br />
So she wouldn't leave me alone until I see a dietitian.<br />
So I went, sitting in this room with all these food posters on the wall.<br />
It was all too familiar and I hated it.<br />
I knew that this wasn't the cause for the never ending pounding in my head.<br />
The dietitian dragged on about fats, proteins, exchanges,<br />
Everything that I heard while I was sick.<br />
But I'm not sick anymore.<br />
I am far off from my lowest weight of 78.<br />
So I haven't been back to the doctor since.<br />
I am trying to embrace my body,<br />
Let go of the idea of perfection.<br />
I'm lifting weights, doing yoga, hooping,<br />
I want to love myself.<br />
I want to fully accept my body.<br />
The stretchmarks that represent my children.<br />
The scars on my face from years of picking.<br />
The scars on my arms and legs,<br />
From the hundreds of times with my razor.<br />
These boobs that I can not stand,<br />
That were caused by Ana.<br />
I'm flawed; that I've accepted.<br />
What I haven't accepted is how angry I am.<br />
I'm angry for letting my eating disorders have control for so long.<br />
That I let my eating disorders trump my relationships.<br />
That I lost so much of my life to calories,<br />
To the scale.<br />
Countless hours spent in therapist offices,<br />
Or over the toilet.<br />
That no matter how much weight I lost,<br />
It was never enough.<br />
I always had an excuse to want to lose more.<br />
Now, I'm riding the line of a healthy BMI.<br />
I know that my husband loves me,<br />
At 78lbs or 145; that never changed.<br />
I know that I am stronger than I was 2.5 years ago.<br />
I know that I'll be even stronger in another 2.5 years.<br />
I know that every day I have to make a conscious effort,<br />
To fight for my kids, because they are my life.<br />
I can never give up,<br />
Even on the days where my anxiety and depression is paralyzing.<br />
I am a fighter, I always have been, and I will always continue to be. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-8846055789336564812016-08-26T08:23:00.000-07:002016-08-26T08:23:02.146-07:00FeelingsI feel down<br />
I feel happy<br />
I feel guilty<br />
I feel angry<br />
I feel fat<br />
I feel discouraged<br />
I feel anxious<br />
I feel lonely<br />
<br />
I only woke up an hour ago, and I've already experienced all of these emotions<br />
I don't feel justified writing in this blog anymore because my eating isn't disordered <strike>(well not really)</strike><br />
The last few days I've been wanting to blog, but every time I try, nothing comes to mind<br />
<br />
Which makes no sense<br />
My mind is always constantly racing<br />
I'm averaging about 5 hours of sleep a night<br />
Because it takes me almost 2 hours to get my brain to shut down<br />
But then my dreams are swamped with these unsettling images<br />
<br />
Right now, my best friend and my other really good friend are struggling<br />
They're struggling with anxiety and eating disorders<br />
And despite my tireless efforts to help,<br />
I feel like I'm not making any sort of progress.<br />
<br />
Which in turns makes me feel like a shitty friend<br />
Why can I not find the right words that will stick?<br />
Why would they listen to me, when I wouldn't listen to anyone when I was sick?<br />
<br />
My recovery journey started 2 years ago in May<br />
And although I still struggle, most days are easier to get through then they used to be.<br />
The thoughts are there. Telling me that I ate too much, or that it'll be ok to skip a meal.<br />
But they're Ana's thoughts, not mine.<br />
And I'm pretty good at getting her to shut up. Most of the time.<br />
<br />
There are days where she sneaks in like a snake trying to catch the mouse.<br />
One minute I'm fine, and the next, I'm standing in the mirror,<br />
Picking apart my flaws one by one.<br />
I still have days where I'll change my clothes 5 times<br />
Just to find something that won't make me look like an elephant.<br />
<br />
No, right now, it's more anxiety and feeling defeated.<br />
I feel like the world is shitting all over us and all the plans we had<br />
And it all started last year when we were rushed to get married.<br />
<br />
Of course we were gonna get married,<br />
But on our own damn timeline.<br />
Then my father tells me that he wants us to get married before he moves to Florida<br />
WHICH NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!<br />
<br />
He insisted that he wanted to walk me down the isle,<br />
So we had to get married before he left.<br />
You know how many times I've talked to him since our wedding last September?<br />
Maybe a handful...maybe.<br />
<br />
I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anything to do with me,<br />
No surprise there, when has he ever?<br />
I'm pretty sure I'm an after thought for many people in my life,<br />
Which is cool, I've got this shit.<br />
<br />
Today marks 118 days with this damn migraine<br />
Which I went to the doctor for a couple months ago.<br />
My doctor left the practice, so this last time I met with a new one.<br />
She focused on mostly my eating disorder<br />
And told me that my migraine was from stress.<br />
<br />
She insisted on me going back and seeing a therapist<br />
And also recommended me to see the dietitian.<br />
I did neither because I don't believe they'll help my migraines.<br />
But everyday for the past 118, I've had this fucking thing!<br />
<br />
My life isn't all gloom and doom though.<br />
At least I've got my little family,<br />
Well kinda. I'm trying so hard to hold it together,<br />
But all of the tension in the house is getting to me.<br />
<br />
My eldest, H, moved in with his dad for the school year,<br />
And even though it's been hard for me, I knew it was best for him.<br />
My 5-year-old has his good moments,<br />
But the majority of the time, he is a big ball of anger and frustration.<br />
<br />
My stepson moved back in with us in May<br />
Because his mom couldn't deal with his shit.<br />
At first it was going well,<br />
Until our weed and money started coming up missing all the time.<br />
<br />
It was at that point that we stopped trusting him completely<br />
And started locking all of our shit up.<br />
We can't even keep any good food in the cabinets<br />
Because he sneaks food after we go to bed.<br />
<br />
The silver lining in all of this is Syrsha.<br />
But she definitely doesn't make it easy.<br />
She's so independent, and smart,<br />
So she keeps me on my toes constantly.<br />
<br />
She can say her name already, and is counting to 3.<br />
Her problem solving skills blow my mind.<br />
She's got a healthy appetite and loves vegetables.<br />
<br />
So, to conclude this post,<br />
I've got a lot of feelings going on,<br />
Mostly negative,<br />
But I put a smile on everyday so as not to hurt the ones around me.<br />
Maybe one day, I'll be able to make myself a priority <strike>probably not though</strike><br />
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The boys first day of school</div>
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My best friend and I before her wedding</div>
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Princess Syrsha</div>
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XOXO Katie<br />
<br />Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-85868750439007164552016-06-23T13:17:00.002-07:002016-06-23T13:17:39.822-07:00Recovery Fucking SucksAnd not for the reasons you may think.<br />
<br />
Recovery sucks because of the aftermath of my eating disorder.<br />
Recovery sucks because even though I know I need to be eating double the calories, I just can't.<br />
Recovery sucks because of Osteopenia and I hate the taste of milk.<br />
Recovery sucks because I'm in pain all the time.<br />
Recovery sucks because I fucked up my metabolism.<br />
Recovery sucks because 2 years later, Ana is still there (in the background, but there).<br />
Recovery sucks because I cry myself to sleep 9 nights out of 10.<br />
Recovery sucks because I still HATE MY FUCKING BODY!<br />
<br />
Alright, I know; it's been so long since I've written here<br />
I apologize for that<br />
The purpose of this post is not in anyway to turn anyone away from recovery,<br />
But more of a look at what this disease has left me with.<br />
<br />
Where to begin? How about that I've been regularly working out for over 6 months now.<br />
My workouts don't contain cardio, well besides jumping jacks.<br />
Initially I started lifting to tone,<br />
But then I realized that I could tone, gain muscle, not fat, and reach a "normal" weight.<br />
<br />
Since I quit breastfeeding Syrsha a year ago in May,<br />
My weight has not went below 96lbs, however,<br />
My weight also hasn't gone above 101.<br />
And I'm frustrated.<br />
<br />
I downloaded My Fitness Pal <strike>again,</strike><br />
But this time I changed my goals.<br />
I entered in that my goal weight is 110,<br />
And to gain a half pound a week.<br />
<br />
2,090 calories a day, 40% Protein, 30% Fat and 30% Carbs.<br />
Realistically, this is about what my average day looks like...<br />
1,400 calories a day, 35% Protein, 25% Fat and 40% Carbs.<br />
I can never seem to win.<br />
<br />
And why all the details, and what brought me to this rant?<br />
The fact that I'm 2 or so years into recovery,<br />
And I'm still struggling every fucking day.<br />
<br />
I still cry when I look at myself in the mirror,<br />
I still cry when I realize that Ana is still in my life.<br />
I still cry because my boobs used to be a 38C<br />
And now...lol....now, I've got fucking nothing!<br />
<br />
And as materialistic or silly as this sounds,<br />
My boobs are the reason why I'm so fucking upset.<br />
I can't even take my bra off in front of my own husband<br />
Without that lump in my throat that I'm about to freak out.<br />
<br />
Does he really care?<br />
He says he doesn't,<br />
But also says he misses the way they used to be.<br />
He loves me no matter what.<br />
<br />
But when I look back to almost 5 years ago when I met him,<br />
I was this woman with curves, boobs, and a light in my eyes.<br />
And because of my fucking eating disorders,<br />
I am a woman with zero curves, virtually nothing in my bra, and the light is very dim.<br />
<br />
Am I depressed?<br />
Probably.<br />
Do I even have the time of day to be depressed?<br />
Fuck no.<br />
<br />
In fact, this post has been in my head for a couple of weeks now,<br />
But as if the aftermath of my eating disorders isn't enough,<br />
Life is just shitting on me in almost every other aspect of my life.<br />
But lets not get into that, this post has been long enough.<br />
<br />
I made a doctors appointment, finally.<br />
After almost 7 weeks with this migraine that never goes away.<br />
After taking Excederin up to 3 times a day,<br />
And getting the Daith piercing.<br />
<br />
I don't really know what else to say,<br />
Except that I'm sorry.<br />
I know I've been gone,<br />
But more just lurking.<br />
<br />
I've been reading, but not commenting.<br />
I wouldn't be surprised if this post gets lost amongst the feed<br />
Of more active bloggers.<br />
<br />
XOXO Katie<br />
<br />Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-61226238361038434912015-11-02T00:36:00.001-08:002015-11-02T00:36:27.448-08:00A letter<p dir="ltr">Dear Lost kid,<br>
Tonight sucked. You have hurt me repeatedly but I still try to make you at least like me. All those hurtful words that you have spewed out like word vomit, but then act like nothing happened. You always want more, but can not give me anything in return. <br>
I wanted to punch you in the face tonight. I wanted to yell at you. I wanted to unload on you, but that doesn't make me any better than you, does it? <br>
I started writing you this letter because I wanted to express my displeasure with you. I know I can write what I want here with a 99% chance you'll never see it. The things I want to say to you but know you'll never actually here because unless you need something from me, I don't mean shit to you.<br>
You hate me, fine, I've accepted it, but why do you have to spread these toxic lies about me? Do you think people won't tell me? Do you think I wasn't ever your age? <br>
I was in your position once. I knew everything. I didn't need anyone but my friends. I wanted to be an adult but I was just a child myself. You know where that fucking got me? In a 3 year abusive relationship, pregnant and homeless at 15, and dropping out of high school in my sophomore year. <br>
But you know what the difference between you and I is? I grew the fuck up, got a job, went back to school. I graduated, even if it was almost two years late. And guess what? I graduated high school working 2 jobs, and taking care of a one year old. <br>
Now before you think I'm having myself a pity party, understand this. The decisions I made around the same age you are is what got me into the previous mentioned situation. I take full responsibility for it. I, unlike you, didn't fuck up every last chance at high school before semester of Freshman year. <br>
I've tried talking to you til I'm blue in the face. I've tried being your friend, but you didn't want that. I tried being an authority figure and that made you hate me even more. You've spread nasty lies about me. You've said hurtful things about me. You tried having everyone turn on me since the beginning. <br>
So here's the end of this letter. I'm done. I'm done trying. I'm done listening. I'm done giving you things. I'm not going to continue to make myself vulnerable to your toxicity. I love you. That will never change. But I'm not giving anymore. Not until I can at least get something in return. Shit, even a sincere apology would bring me a little closer to believing you cared. <br>
Signed, disappointed</p>
Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-38283830470795669872015-10-27T09:36:00.003-07:002015-10-27T09:36:39.005-07:00"Holy 6 months, Batman"Wow, it has been way too long since I've posted on here. Too long for comfort, honestly. Hello everyone! Is there anyone still out there that's even interested in reading anymore? I hope so. So, in the slim chance there is, bare with me because this will probably be a long post. Grab some popcorn ;)<div>
First things first, I am a married woman now. That's right! We tied the knot on September 25th. It was a small wedding in our close friend's backyard. Probably only a total of 30 people, if that. It was amazing. It was everything I could have asked for in a wedding, and I felt like a princess. I know there's a few of you that I'm friends with on Facebook, but for the others who are not, I'll post a pic for you. =) <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Alright, what to talk about next? How about our beautiful princess, Syrsha. She is so smart. She is 10.5 months already. She's climbing on the couch all by herself and thinks it's pretty awesome. She's taking steps around furniture and even sometimes feels brave enough to let go for a few seconds before falling on her butt. She says words like; mama, dadda, Sarah, uh oh, more, and a few others. She loves being sung to and sings along with you. At her 10 month check up she was 17lbs and 28in long. I can't believe where the time has gone since she was born. She has changed so much in not only our family's lives, but my soul. She is usually such a happy baby and can make anyone smile. </div>
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This was in Aug for daddy's birthday</div>
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Moving forward to the boys. The oldest turned 8 in July and started 3rd grade this year and is rocking it with flying colors. After a very hard and stressful year last year, we were close to having to remove him from the home. It was so difficult to be in that position. As a mother, my job is to protect my children, but when I was having to protect them from one of my own children, I knew something had to change. Through the summer he was participating with in-home therapy twice a week and seeing his regular therapist once a week. His meds were constantly being changed, his second grade teacher was a nightmare, and he was becoming violent with my and the baby. So, I discontinued all the therapy, took him to his regular pediatrician where they have had him on only one med for a few months and it's working wonders. I started connecting with him on a more strict level and his teacher this year is a saint. He's become a whole new kid and I'm loving it.</div>
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The youngest is in his last year or Pre-K. He had a rough summer. His father and I have not been on the same page since the beginning of the year and trying to be both parents while he gets to be his friend instead of his father, has proven to be a challenge. He's 4.5 and is becoming his own little independent person, which would be great if he was trying to be himself and not everyone else. He is very influential and it's difficult to reason with him because as he says, "he knows everything and can do anything he wants," lol. He's still a total sweetheart and makes me smile all the time. He's a social butterfly and can make friends with anyone. </div>
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Alright, enough bragging about my family. Can you tell I'm a little proud? ;) </div>
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Moving on to the rough stuff. Back in May I went to the hospital because I was feeling suicidal. I felt like I was on auto pilot all the time. I was not enjoying life. It was really hard to deal with because it made no sense. I had a beautiful family who loved me, a newborn daughter to care for, and a man who loved me to the end of the world. But something wasn't right. I was wanting to self harm, I stopped eating what I needed to, to continue breastfeeding Syrsha. I slept ALL the time. On Memorial Day, my mom drove me to the emergency room where they kept me on an 8 hour hold and was evaluated by their shrink. I promised not to kill myself and see my OB the next day. That's when I learned that the med I was on to help my supply for breastfeeding was only supposed to be a temporary medication. I was on it for 4 months and it was causing severe postpartum depression. So I quit taking them right away, which resulted in having to quit breastfeeding. I started taking Zoloft and have been doing considerably better. I ran out of Zoloft a couple weeks ago and I feel like I don't need it anymore. Granted, I'm smoking a whole lot of weed, but I'm ok with that because I don't have all the nasty side effects I did on the meds. </div>
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Ana has been in the back seat for awhile now. I do pretty good at not listening to her. But I know in some twisted way, she has more control than I seem to believe. My weight hasn't moved above 97lbs in over a month. I'm not purging <strike>often.</strike> I eat <strike>three</strike> meals a day. I think the reason why I smoke so much is because it gives me an appetite. Usually that ends up in a <strike>binge session</strike> few cookies and then me feeling <strike>guilty</strike> content. Oh well, I'm surviving and enjoying life as much as I can.</div>
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I've taken up a couple of hobbies. My best friend, R, introduced me to hooping and now I'm quite addicted. It's a wonderful exercise, great cardio for sure. I love making different videos to different songs. Hooping has filled that empty spot in my heart that's been missing for awhile. It's a great opportunity to spend some time with just R and I. We both have kids and husbands and when we get together and hoop, everything is right with the world. We spent a lot of time together over the summer; getting the kids together, hooping, baking, puzzles. Looking back on the 14 years we've known each other and been best friends, I haven't felt closer to her than I do now, and I needed that. I think she did too. She's my rock. She knows me better than anyone, well, other than T. She was my beautiful maid of honor and next year she is getting married and I can't wait to share that special day with her. </div>
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Alright, this has turned into one of my longest posts ever. I apologize, that is, if you're still there =) </div>
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I promise I will be a better blogger and can not wait to catch up with everyone. Here is a few more pictures.</div>
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XOXO Katie</div>
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Getting ready for date time with the hubby</div>
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My broncos princess</div>
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Love that face soooo much</div>
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There's something about him that is just perfection</div>
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My best friend in the entire world and I</div>
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Flow sesh at the wedding reception =)</div>
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Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-88604122392603049862015-04-01T17:51:00.001-07:002015-04-01T17:51:33.242-07:00It isn't easy <p dir="ltr">I know I haven't posted in awhile, but I've been lurking. I've been reading but don't know what to say. I don't have a whole lot of encouraging words because I, myself, have been struggling. <br>
I was reading Kate's post yesterday about breastfeeding and having an eating disorder. A lot of people don't understand how hard it is. Pregnancy was hard because I was eating so much to grow a healthy baby. But now that Syrsha is here, it seems to be harder. I know that if I engage in behaviors, it doesn't directly affect her, but it affects every other aspect of my life. <br>
T has already told me that if I relapse, he'd have no choice but to remove her from my life. Which honestly, I don't blame him. I have already let Ana affect my boys. If I ever let Syrsha catch a glimpse of Ana, I would never forgive myself. I want to give her every possible chance to have high self esteem and love herself. She deserves that. If she knew I hated myself and beat myself up everyday, she'd probably turn out to do the same. <br>
So with breastfeeding, I have to keep my calorie intake up so I can keep my supply up. It's frustrating because I know that I'm giving her the best she deserves, but every time I eat more than what I'm comfortable with, I find myself wanting to give into the urge. <br>
I've been religiously going to the gym every other day. I do 20 minutes of cardio and do about 40 minutes of lifting. I know I should probably do more cardio to help burn calories, but I'm trying to tone my body. I have so much loose skin that needs to be defined. Pregnancy wrecked my body. <br>
My weight has been bouncing between 102 and 104. The days I'm 104, I struggle more, obviously. But anyway, I'm going to leave you with a few pictures. I lost a lot of pictures on my SD card because I downloaded a stupid App that corrupted and damaged it. But I'll post what I got.</p>
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Before I get into all of that, I'll update you all on my little princess. Syrsha will be 3 months in 6 days. I can't believe how fast she's growing. She's developed quite a personality and smiling all the time. She's almost 11 lbs. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So, in other news, I've been struggling real bad as of lately. My weight has been pretty much the same since 2 weeks after Syrsha was born. A couple weeks ago I gained 3lbs in one weekend. It triggered me so bad. Currently I'm 102. And for the most part, I'm ok with that. But the fear of gaining is what I'm really fighting with. Every time I eat, I freak out. I've started counting calories during meal times. But I can't not eat since I'm breastfeeding. I need to eat as much as I did when I was pregnant to keep her healthy. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I've pretty much kept to myself since Syrsha was born. My anxiety keeps me from reaching out, or going out for that matter. I only talk to one friend and that's my best friend. She's the only one who understands my feelings. Most of the time I want to cry, but I don't because I don't want anyone to see I hurt. </p>
<p dir="ltr">As for my boys, my youngest turned 4 in January. He's become such a wonderful big brother. He loves to help me around the house. He loves to help with the baby. For the most part, he's not an attitudinal little butthead like he used to be. My oldest though, he has taken a turn for the worst. He got put on Strattera at the beginning of February  and it has worsened everything. He's become so aggressive, lying all the time, and refusing to have anything to do with school. I think they are going to switch him to Lithium. That scares me but we are at a loss with him. </p>
<p dir="ltr">T and I are doing great. We don't have much time for just us which wears on us a bit. But we are still being very open with communication. In fact, we finally picked a wedding date. When it becomes official, I'll tell you all. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I apologize for this being so long, it's just been awhile. I'll leave you with a few pictures. Much love.<br>
Xoxo Katie </p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv9mCBsicdVrclJafK5YUqqp3-YxE2X2H-vzu3H_Hh1efST3ceMKnM7y2_HoZm_c51HyBQIOwpJZW3VDSBkWHzK1KruE1__SvXJpsjzAZhNpQIAXl93eAaOb6KKUrkJAj3fV4W2wO-g9HC/s1600/20150301_194220.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv9mCBsicdVrclJafK5YUqqp3-YxE2X2H-vzu3H_Hh1efST3ceMKnM7y2_HoZm_c51HyBQIOwpJZW3VDSBkWHzK1KruE1__SvXJpsjzAZhNpQIAXl93eAaOb6KKUrkJAj3fV4W2wO-g9HC/s640/20150301_194220.jpeg"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8aOFbjeKTJMYGqLqi0JDLehLtnhywHYHSL7hMzd2QIZducSb3oSKvGuxnDuqOflho2xt0b1uTX2wLmolH29TETUXZusY-zrqf_htZRE5pD-jkJ3RQ8mFTqtkzQSPya8iNVBDa1RrJAkkt/s1600/20150209_142919.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8aOFbjeKTJMYGqLqi0JDLehLtnhywHYHSL7hMzd2QIZducSb3oSKvGuxnDuqOflho2xt0b1uTX2wLmolH29TETUXZusY-zrqf_htZRE5pD-jkJ3RQ8mFTqtkzQSPya8iNVBDa1RrJAkkt/s640/20150209_142919.jpg"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYDYl_FTu7zXLNCLA5er0v9nHDcRlW7oTT6Z3BnYj1ZsxbTQppyasxBRufPk8itL6QieRUlMlJ1sg41qwa-q1onspAMLoz6TBV4wilYjkMSUgMg86lNV-tTqUTcFUB-3XZn97qCmJZhvGY/s1600/20150303_092206.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYDYl_FTu7zXLNCLA5er0v9nHDcRlW7oTT6Z3BnYj1ZsxbTQppyasxBRufPk8itL6QieRUlMlJ1sg41qwa-q1onspAMLoz6TBV4wilYjkMSUgMg86lNV-tTqUTcFUB-3XZn97qCmJZhvGY/s640/20150303_092206.jpeg"> </a> </div>Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-39023898892087401892014-12-31T10:35:00.002-08:002014-12-31T10:35:30.179-08:00Another year gone byWell today is the last day of 2014. I just got done reading my first post of this year and wow, how things have changed. I made a goal to stay between 96 and 98lbs over the year. Well obviously that didn't happen seeing as I got pregnant, and you know what, I am totally fine with that. A year ago, I took back my job at the club. That place is a terrible memory. I don't talk about it much because I hate myself for ever taking that job in the first place. A year ago I was happy with the friends that I had made. I really can't believe how much has changed in this last year.<br />
I guess first off I want to say; I am incredibly blessed with where this year has left me. My boys are healthy and smart. Although there are some days when I want to sell them on Craigslist (kidding.) I got a healthy, full term baby girl. Even though it was a rough pregnancy and I didn't think I'd ever see the end, I'm so thankful I made it full term and she is absolutely perfect. T and I are stronger than ever. Life has shit all over us this year (circumstances out of our control) but we have made it through another year and I am more in love with him with each passing day. We celebrated our 3 year anniversary back in September and that man never ceases to amaze me.<br />
On the eating disorder topic, I managed to keep it under control during my pregnancy. Although every day the thoughts were there, the behaviors were not. It was extremely difficult at first, but every day it got a bit easier. I was only a month into recovery when I got pregnant, so I did start my pregnancy "underweight" but I managed to gain 12lbs my pregnancy. It has became a bit of a challenge ever since Syrsha was born and I am fully aware of it. The thoughts are there almost constant and the urges are there every time I eat, but I have to have faith that I will not give in. Syrsha is 3 weeks old today and I have lost all my pregnancy weight plus 3. I was 102lbs when I weighed myself this morning. I am still eating all 3 meals but I am breastfeeding and I really do believe that is the reason why the weight is coming off so quickly.<br />
This year has also shown me the true colors of people. My other best friend "E" decided that she was going to cut all contact off with me, without explanation. It's been since May since she has spoken to me. And even though I have tried several times to at least find out why she no longer wanted to talk to me, it's proven to be a dead end. She has ignored texts, calls, Facebook messages, shit, I even showed up at her work. So a 13 year friendship ended this year and I am not even sure why. And finally a couple months ago, I gave up trying to figure out why. I came to peace with it because obviously I didn't mean anything to her, so she wasn't worth the tears anymore. <br />
I also lost another close friend this year. My friend "S" who I've been friends with since I was 14, ended our friendship this year as well. I'm pretty sure I wrote about him at the beginning of the year when he was sick in the hospital and we were scared for his life. I went and visited him in the hospital several times, made sure he knew that I was always going to be there for him, and was confident that our friendship was staying strong. Then about a month after he got out of the hospital, he sent me a text stating that he couldn't be friends with me any longer because he was tired of fighting with his girlfriend over our friendship. She felt insecure that him and I were friends because we dated for a whole month when we were 15. So there goes a 10 year friendship out the window. Those were the two biggest downfalls in my friend circle this year.<br />
So I'm not sure I am going to make New Year's resolutions for 2015. Because I am happy with my weight, just not my body. So the main goal I am going to set is to make it to the gym 2-3 times a week. I want to add muscle and tone my body. I want my abs back lol. I am going to make a goal to not get back up to almost 2 packs of cigarettes a day. As of right now, I am between 5-9 a day and I'd like to keep it at that, if not quit all together eventually. One of my resolutions that I had made for 2014 was to go back to school, and while I did do that, I had to withdraw to be put on bed rest. So one of my goals for 2015 is to do something with my life. I'm not sure if that means going to Culinary Arts school, or get a job, but I do want to do something productive with my time. And my biggest goal for 2015 is to be a better me just in general. A better mother, wife, friend. I want to better myself. <br />
Tell me, what are your goals for this year? Did you keep the ones you made for 2014? I hope this post finds you all well and healthy. <br />
Lots of Love,<br />
XOXO Katie<br />
Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-40631183926961752742014-12-17T18:39:00.001-08:002014-12-17T18:39:17.818-08:00It's been a bit busy around here<p dir="ltr">Well she's here! Miss Syrsha Lynn made her way into the world a week ago today. Here's the story:<br>
Last Monday (12-8) I went into my 38 week appointment. She checked me where I was still 4.5cm dilated. I was feeling pretty discouraged that my cervix still hadn't changed. She "stripped my membranes" meaning she detached the amniotic sac from my uterine wall. This was to help induce labor on its own. But just incase it didn't work, we scheduled my induction for Sunday the 14th. <br>
The next couple days I was bleeding and having contractions but not really strong enough to send me to the hospital. Wednesday morning I went in for a growth ultrasound to see about how much she was weighing. They estimated her at 6lbs 12oz. I went and saw my doc afterwards. I told her I was still bleeding and she checked me and I was 5cm! She told me that she felt justified to send me to labor and delivery. This was around 10am. I wasn't in any hurry since every time I go in, I get sent home.<br>
I came home, bounced on the exercise ball, packed my hospital bag, went and picked my youngest up from school, came back home and waited for T to get his bag packed. Then we dropped my son off at his aunt's and went and fed T. I didn't want to eat just incase they kept me and needed the epidural. We walked into the hospital around 1:30. The nurse checked me and said I was between 5 and 6cm dilated. She called the on call doc who said to go ahead and keep me and they would break my water! I couldn't believe it. This was really happening. <br>
So the nurse let me walk laps around the maternity ward while they got my room set up. They got me in my room, hooked me up to the monitors where my contractions were 5-7 minutes apart. They got me my epidural around 4:20pm and the doc came and checked me where I was 7cm. He broke my water. The contractions picked up to every couple minutes and apparently we're very strong, but I couldn't feel a thing, thank God for the epidural. Around 7pm I started feeling a lot of pressure. The doc came and checked me around 8:20pm where he told me I was complete! He got dressed, and I started pushing around 8:35. And at 8:42 T got to deliver our precious daughter. It was the most amazing and relaxed delivery. <br>
The next day I had my tubes tied, which has been the reason why I'm having such difficulty recovering. <br>
She is absolutely beautiful and perfect. She nurses great, although it's so painful that I'm in tears a lot of the time. <br>
She weighed a tiny 5lbs 7oz. I couldn't believe how small she was. The ultrasound was way off lol. So here's some pics of my angel. </p>
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First off, I'm almost done being pregnant. I've had a few scares over the last few months. When I was 30 weeks, they thought I was going to deliver. I spent a weekend in a hospital a town away because they were more equipped to handle a baby born that young. Luckily she didn't come then because we would have had to have her in that hospital for a couple months at least. So here I am, almost 37 weeks and so ready to be done. Since this has been a high risk pregnancy from the beginning, my doctor has taken every precaution to ensure that if Syrsha was born early, she would have the best possible chance of not having to stay in the hospital after birth. In the last week, I've been in and out of the hospital 3 times. My body keeps sending me into labor and then stops. I know a lot of you don't know too much about pregnancy, but currently I am 4.5cm dilated and she is way head down. We thought she was coming last week. I went from being 1cm dilated to 4 in a matter of a few hours. They gave me the epidural (spinal tap) because they were concerned with how fast my labor was progressing. After the epidural, everything stopped. They kept me another day to ensure I wasn't going to have her, and then sent me home. It was very emotional and extremely frustrating. Then the same thing happened this Tuesday. Except it was the nurse who fucked shit up. She told me that I dilated from 4cm to 6cm in an hour. She told me to get my mom on the phone to head up here because I was "having this baby today." Then the doctor on call came in and told me that I was 4.5cm not 6cm. So she sent me home. The contractions and the intense pain continued for the rest of the day on Tuesday and by 3am Wednesday, I went back to the hospital. They told me that nothing had changed and sent me home. My body wants to labor, but doesn't want to dilate. It's very frustrating because the doctors won't help my dilation until I am 37 weeks and I am currently 36 and 5 days. The doctors at my local hospital are a nightmare and makes me shy away from delivering there and instead going to another hospital. So there's an update on pregnancy. Syrsha can be here any day now =)<br />
Today was Thanksgiving. Pretty nerve wrecking, but you all understand why. It's the holiday that is centered around food. And although I'm not controlled by my ED mind constantly, the thoughts are still there. The counting of the calories is still there, even if they are unintentional. Every little thing I put in my mouth today gave me anxiety. I tried not to let it affect my day, and I think I did pretty well. It was a small Thanksgiving (Me, T, his dad and my youngest.) But enough food to feed a small army. We like our Thanksgiving leftovers around here. I have so much to be thankful for this year. T and I are stronger than ever, and my love for him continues to grow every single day. My boys are awesome, in their own individual ways. My oldest is starting to become passionate about things that interests him. My youngest is just so sweet and still very much a mama's boy. My father in law has shown me so much love and makes me feel like I'm one of his own. My mom finally got a new job that she starts in a couple weeks. Which is amazing because she's been stuck at this terrible job for almost 4 years now, and I'm hoping this new start will help her with her depression. I'm thankful for the couple friends I do have. I have lost so many close friends (ones I've known for 10+ years) this year which has been extremely hard, but I've had a couple awesome ladies walk into my life and it's been nice. I am thankful that Syrsha wasn't born at 30 weeks and at this point is healthy enough to not have to stay in the hospital.<br />
I know I have more to say, but it's been an extremely long and tiring day and my body hurts from being on my feet all day. I hope to update again soon, and hope to have pictures of baby Syrsha to share with you all. For now, I'll leave you with a picture I took a couple weeks ago of my baby bump. And a picture of me just being me with my new glasses. <br />
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Lots of love</div>
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XOXO Katie</div>
Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-51788643065687471072014-09-29T11:37:00.004-07:002014-09-29T11:37:45.781-07:00Someone tell me I'm not aloneJust a forewarning: This is going to be a bit long and a little disoriented, but I need to know if I'm alone because this is scaring the ever living crap out of me.<br />
Ok, so the first episode was about a year and a half ago. In the height of my ED. I had this dream, but it was too real to be a dream. <br />
In this first dream, I was being possessed. I was lying in bed and I felt this shadow figure above me. I tried to wake up, I was screaming, T was sleeping right next to me. But when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. I tried flailing and screaming; nothing. I was doing everything I could to wake up from this dream (nightmare) but I was paralyzed. <br />
*Side note: most of these dreams happen right before I wake up*<br />
So the next day I told T about this dream, and he told me that it was probably all the possession movies we'd been watching lately. *At the time, I thought I was literally being possessed by Ana*<br />
Moving forward: From that time on up until a few months ago, I've only had a couple more dreams like this. Then a few months ago, they started happening several times a week. <br />
They always consist of me laying in bed, as myself (like in first person). In these dreams I "wake up" and I try to get out of bed. But I can't move. No matter how hard I try. I will be screaming at the top of my lungs (in the dream) and nothing comes out. I try to roll out of bed (in the dream) and I can't move. <br />
The past couple of weeks have been the worst. All the above happens, but it gets a lot scarier. In the dreams, I manage to get out of bed, like I will be standing next to my bed or laying on the floor, and next second, I'm back in the bed without realizing how I got there, paralyzed again. In the dreams, there is always someone standing at my bedroom door, just staring at me. Most of the time I can't make out who it is. But I'm trying to reach for them to help me (but can't move) or I'm trying to yell at them (nothing comes out.) I "wake up" several times in the dream, but I'm never truly awake.<br />
This is probably the scariest thing that has happened to me. Because everything is so real. I can feel the pillow under my head, the sheets under my skin.<br />
When I finally manage to pull myself out of these nightmares, I am panicked and out of breath. I am disoriented and realize that I've only truly been asleep for maybe 10-20 minutes. But in the dream, it seems like time is never ending. <br />
So after this morning's "episode" I decided to Google it. I read numerous things about sleep paralysis, but that's not what this is. I'm not awake when this happens (even though it might feel like it.) I can't seem to find an actual name for it, or ways to treat it. <br />
I'm just so scared to go to sleep anymore. I dread it. And physically, it's taking it's toll on me. After I have these dreams, I'm out of it for the rest of the day, which ironically, makes me want to sleep. I feel like I can't focus on anything else. <br />
Please someone tell me you've heard of this, maybe know what it's called or how to treat it? <br />
I'm thinking about maybe researching into sleep studies, but I'm skeptical about that because I never know when these nightmares are going to happen. I'm sorry this was so long. I just feel so lost.<br />
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Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-85903019708500934542014-09-25T09:15:00.001-07:002014-09-25T09:15:04.618-07:00Really getting lonelySo yesterday I did something that I didn't think I was going to have the strength to do. <br />
Let me start with a little back story.<br />
My best friend, E, and I have been best friends since 8th grade (almost 14 years.) She has stuck by my side through everything, and I mean, everything. We did everything together.<br />
Well back in May, I noticed that she was becoming a little distant. We went like a week and a half without talking. Only to find out that she had started dating this guy and was afraid I wasn't going to like him. I told her that was nonsense and to bring him over so T and I could meet him.<br />
They came over, we hung out, had dinner and had a pretty good time. That was May 15th. That was the last time I heard from her....<br />
I have texted her numerous times. Called her and left voicemails. Sent her messages on Facebook. And even so much as went to her work. She has ignored it all.<br />
So finally yesterday, I deleted her on Facebook. I know that doesn't sound like such a big deal, but honestly, it was the only link I had left to her and her life. But it was killing me to see all of her updates, photos, videos; all the while knowing that she was choosing to ignore me. <br />
After awhile of not getting responses from her, T thought that maybe her new boyfriend had something to do with it. Like he was possibly isolating her from everyone. But from what I can tell by her Facebook, I don't even think they are dating anymore. I think that was short-lived. And she still seems in pretty constant contact with everyone else in her life, including her other best friend.<br />
I'm not sure why this bothers me so much. I mean, I've lost so many friends over the past few years. Some that I thought would always be there. But with E, it seems so unreal. And frustrating honestly. I even begged her for an explanation as to why she felt the need to ignore me, and got nothing. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and I didn't get a "happy birthday" from her. My baby shower was last weekend, and she didn't show any interest in coming. <br />
I feel so lonely, especially during the day. T is at work, the boys are at school, and I have no one to talk to. Not that I can do much "talking" with the boys.<br />
I just feel very overwhelmed lately and feel like I'm slipping into depression. I feel like this huge weight is sitting on my chest and I can't get it off. Today for some reason is especially worse. I have this nasty cold that started on Monday and it's just gotten worse. I can barely breathe because of it. My morning sickness returned last night. Dinner and desert didn't stay down. And my glucose test is in less than an hour. And I HATE my blood being drawn. I just want to sleep all day, but I can't do that because I can't get comfortable enough to stay in one spot for too long.<br />
I'm sorry this is so long and a total bitch-fest.<br />
XOXO KatieKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-60003786402061848782014-09-24T09:16:00.002-07:002014-09-24T09:16:38.987-07:00Reflection and forgivenessSo, I spent the last hour reading through my past posts. First off, WOW!<br />
There is so much I want to say, but not sure how I'm going to say it, so please bare with me while I try to get it all out. <br />
Let's start with reflection. There is so much that I have put out there on my blog. Posts about depression, being vulnerable. Posts about wanting to lose even more weight, even when I was entering treatment last year. Posts filled with excuses on why I should keep Ana around. Posts about how I was going to recover and get rid of Ana once and for all. <br />
The amount of support I have received from you ladies on all these different posts have been astounding. The good, the bad, and the ugly; you have stuck by my side. Thank you for that.<br />
I'm feeling so many different emotions right now. Regret probably being the biggest one. I feel regret for so many things. Especially when it comes to my ED and how it's affected everyone in my life. <br />
One of the posts I read was my new years resolutions for this year. How I wanted to stay between 96 and 98lbs, but then I say in that same post that I want to have control over my ED. A little redundant when I look back on it now. <br />
I have made myself pretty vulnerable with this blog. It's given me an opportunity to be honest with myself. I like being able to read back and realize how sick I was. Not for inspiration to get there again, but inspiration to do better, by my kids, T, and most importantly, myself. <br />
I am not proud of the person that I became because of Ana. I am not proud of the decisions I have made over the past few years. I am disappointed in the shit I have put T through. <br />
Which leads me to forgiveness. I did a post back in January about forgiveness. About how I wanted to forgive certain people, even if they didn't deserve it. But what about ourselves?<br />
Those of us with addictions, ED's, anxiety and depression; we are so hard on ourselves. I think one of the first steps in recovery from anything, is learning to forgive ourselves. To be gentle with ourselves. Because we didn't chose to live like this. We didn't wake up one morning and say, "hey, let's fuck up our lives as much as humanly possible." <br />
Living with an addiction, no matter which one is our poison, is hard on everyone around us, but especially ourselves. Not only physically, but mentally especially. I know with my ED, I beat myself up for everything. <br />
We need to learn to forgive ourselves. We need to accept that addiction is ugly. That we fuck up, and that is okay, because we are only human. I believe if we can learn to forgive ourselves, then maybe we finally start recovering from our addictions?<br />
No one is perfect, so why must we hold ourselves to that standard? Why must we be so hard on ourselves when the rest of the world does that for us? If we are not standing up for ourselves, then how do we expect anyone else to?<br />
I'm sorry for all the randomness, but I feel like I needed to get some shit off my chest. I still don't feel like I got it all out, but it's a start. <br />
So I'll leave you with this; be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself because that's where it'll start.<br />
Lots of love,<br />
XOXO KatieKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-60225509518134260812014-09-19T09:52:00.002-07:002014-09-19T09:52:46.719-07:00I'm so sorryI have been a terrible blogger for the past few weeks. I haven't done much reading nor updates, and I feel lousy for that. <br />
I do want to say congrats to Ruby for hitting her 500th post! That's such an accomplishment, and I am so glad that I've been here to read your journey the whole time. (And you don't have to get rid of your clothes until you feel ready)<br />
And to J, I love you darling and I don't want you to feel so alone. I am always here for you and I wish we could get together more. I truly do miss you.<br />
Kate, I love seeing your baby belly. It makes me happy to know that you will soon be meeting your little princess.<br />
Bella, I'm glad that you are starting to feel a bit better after having a cough that you felt was trying to kill you. Your sketches aren't crappy and I'm excited to see your final projects.<br />
As for me, things are coming along. I've still been contracting like crazy and have been in the hospital a few times since I last updated. I had this test done last week, and it came back positive. Which gave us a 60% chance of delivering within two weeks. So they gave me steroids to help her lungs develop faster incase she does come early.<br />
I am 27weeks tomorrow which is awesome. My weight still hasn't done much since the last time I updated. Still at only a total of 5lbs this pregnancy. So my doctor seemed pretty concerned with how little weight I've gained so she scheduled a measurement ultrasound to get the baby's growth. That was on Wednesday. She is doing great. Out of the 5lbs I've gained this pregnancy, 2lbs 3oz is all her. This was great news. <br />
My OB thinks that she is literally stealing all my nutrients and that is why my gain is minimal. She also said that this is probably why I've been extra tired as of lately. <br />
We went ahead and had our maternity photos done because we aren't sure when baby Syrsha will be arriving and we wanted to make sure we got them done. So, I will leave you with a couple of those. And I promise that I will do better at blogging. <br />
Lots of love,<br />
XOXO Katie<br />
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Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-18254937482568478702014-08-31T10:43:00.002-07:002014-08-31T10:43:49.756-07:00Little bit of a bump-date =)So this week is pretty big for me. I have finally hit 24 weeks. Which means that my baby is now considered "viable," meaning if I <em>were </em>to go into full labor, they would do everything they could to help her thrive. <br />
This is huge for me, seeing as two weeks ago, they thought my water had broken (which I didn't find out til 4 days later it didn't) and had told me if it had, they couldn't do anything to save my baby. I was a mess that day. Crying non stop, thinking the worst. But like I said, my water didn't break, so she is still good to go. <br />
I've been having some serious contractions, but I am now going in to see the doctor once a week to have my cervix checked. That way they can tell me each week if the contractions are actually doing anything. So far, they haven't.<br />
So this post will be short and sweet. But I wanted to finally post a picture of my bump. It's taken a lot of courage to post a pregnancy picture on here, seeing as the last picture I posted of myself, I was severely underweight and in the midst of my ED. Keep in mind that I am still struggling with my body image and have to constantly remind myself that, "A happy baby is worth the weight." Terrible pun, I know.<br />
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Excuse the messy bathroom. It's house cleaning day today, and the bathroom is usually the last to get done. =)<br />
Lots of love,<br />
XOXO Katie<br />
<br />
P.S. THANK YOU for all the love and positivity on my last post. I appreciate each and everyone of you. <3<br />
Katie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-43634256148241175472014-08-29T07:12:00.002-07:002014-08-29T07:12:31.539-07:00So many things I want to saySince being put on bed rest last week and not able to attend school, I've had a lot of time to think, reflect, and cry. Here; let me try to explain:<br />
First things first, fuck am I lonely. With both kids in school, I spend the entire mornings by myself. T's at work, and I have pretty much zero friends. It's not that I don't try. I try to get out there, get connected with people, other moms, anyone in general. But it's like no one wants anything to do with me. So here I sit, alone with my thoughts. Which brings me to why I wanted to write this post.<br />
I cry a lot. Not in front of anyone, but when I'm alone. How do I say this without sounding like a horrible person? I miss the comfort of my ED. Ok, I know that sounds bad, but really, most of you can understand where I am coming from. There was something welcoming about my ED. Like I knew that when I needed a way to cope, it was there. I knew when I was feeling uncomfortable about the amount of my food or fluid intake, it was there. Always wanting to envelope me and tell me it was all going to be alright. <br />
But see; that's the nasty thing about this monster. It wants you to think that it's the ONLY thing there to take care of you. Therefore, it isolates you from the outside world. It makes you believe that there is not another single thing that can make you feel the way it can. You become so wrapped up in your ED that anything that anyone else says, doesn't matter. That no one can possibly understand you the way that it does. It's hard for your loved ones, let alone you, to tell the difference between you and you ED. Two become one. <br />
Currently, I am not wrapped in the vines of my eating disorder, and I think that's why I can write this post. To be thinking with my logical mind, not Ana's. Writing in my journal this morning, something pretty huge occurred to me. While in the midst of my ED, I wasn't aware of the damage it was doing to everyone in my world. I was so sick that I didn't care that my youngest was in the bathroom with me while I purged. Then to see him stick his fingers down his throat a couple days later, because he saw mommy do it. I was so sick that I wasn't aware that my oldest (who was 5 at the time of this incident), was completely capable of knowing that I was going to die because I wasn't eating, and told his therapist this. <br />
Luckily (and maybe hopefully), my boys won't remember how sick I was when they get older. But that's not the case with T. Often, we painfully and regrettably talk about my ED. The heart attacks, the hospital visits, the countless hours I spent in the bathroom vomiting the food I just consumed. It's not like everyone didn't know what I was doing. Although I was quiet about it, and always fixed my makeup after purging, they all knew what I was doing. It became routine. And that's the way we were living our lives with Ana. <br />
A lesser man would have walked away. A weaker man would have given up on me. But he didn't. He knew that behind all the starving, purging, cutting, and self-hatred, there was the girl that he fell in love with. Even when I didn't see her. Even when I welcomed death, embraced it with open arms because I felt there was nothing to fight for. T was there, when no one else was. He believed in me. <br />
I'd say that about 85% of me enjoys my life without Ana constantly there. Yelling at me. Telling me what to do. Dictating what I can and can not eat. Counting every single calorie that enters my mouth. I was just telling my neighbor the other day, that it was normal for me to try to stay under 200 calories a day. 200! Then I would also go to the gym and make sure that my daily intake was in the negatives. No wonder why I was so weak. So tired. So irritable. <br />
Now, I don't necessarily count every calorie, I usually just guess. I'd probably put my daily intake around 1,500-1,700 a day. Wow, writing that number down is kinda terrifying. But I know that I'm doing it for all the right reasons. I am currently at 110lbs. That is 31lbs above my lowest weight. I remember a point in time when I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself get into the triple digits, but alas, here I am. And I'm ok with that. For the moment anyway. I've read several articles that have said that an ED doesn't ever completely go away. That it's always in the back of your mind, in one form or another. <br />
My biggest goal is to be ok and accept my body for the way it is after Syrsha is born. I've accepted that I will never be a size double 0 again, so I've already gotten rid of all of my "anorexic clothing." I want to love myself for the person that God intended me to be. I don't see it being an easy journey, but definitely attainable. <br />
So I know this turned out to be a long post, and actually, I started writing it yesterday afternoon, but as we all know, life gets in the way. I've enjoyed reading and catching up on all of your blogs. Just remember that we attain perfection, but what is perfection? None of us really know. Just know that you are loved. <br />
Lots of Love,<br />
XOXO KatieKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-54363604915348161412014-08-08T13:51:00.002-07:002014-08-08T13:51:44.815-07:00Here it is...well kinda....I was scrolling through Facebook today and found an article titled "How women handle eating disorders during pregnancy." Like holy shit, there's something out there that I can relate to. And for the most part, that was the case. Except the two women who were in the interview were anorexic and I couldn't completely relate to that part. Technically, I am an anorexic bulimic. A person who doesn't eat but when they do, they will purge it. <br />
So anyway, the first woman, Jennifer, stated that she wanted to get pregnant. And, like me, despite the doctors telling her it wasn't in her best interest since she was so enveloped with her ED, she got pregnant. Like me, it took her about 6 months to get pregnant. And like me, she had this preconceived (excuse the pun) notion that once she got pregnant, the ED would just disappear. Wouldn't that be just wonderful? <a href="http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/pregnant-anorexia-eating-disorders/514b469378c90a2ee800007c" target="_blank">Here</a> is the link if you want to watch the video. It's about 28 minutes long.<br />
The second woman, whose name happened to be Katie, she sounded a lot like me as well. One of the biggest things I found interesting with her is that after she had her first daughter, she gave up breastfeeding because of the overwhelming amount of food you have to eat to sustain breast milk. <br />
These two woman, who I will point out had successful pregnancies and healthy babies, were someone I could relate to; but there is a significant difference. And that is the fact that Ana is still there every single day with me. Dictating what I eat, if it will put too much weight on me. Telling me that I will NEVER lose the baby weight. She is still there yelling terrible things at me.<br />
One thing I do want to point out is that I KNOW that I need to be eating and eating well. I KNOW that I will gain weight, it's inevitable. I KNOW that if I want to have a healthy baby, that that baby is counting on me to give her that life. (That's right, I did say HER!!!) Unfortunately morning sickness has completely ruled me this pregnancy. And for the last week, I haven't been able to keep ANYTHING down. I actually was sent to the hospital this morning to receive IV fluids to keep me hydrated. <br />
I think this is the most frustrating part of my pregnancy. Is knowing that I want my daughter to be healthy when she arrives, but my body is not allowing me to gain much weight. (My pre-pregnancy weight was 105. Last week I was 112. This morning I was 111.) So in all actuality, I have lost weight due to morning sickness. This is a pretty touchy topic with T. He understands that I am constantly throwing up due to morning sickness, but I believe somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks Ana has something to do with it. And maybe she does and I just don't see it?<br />
I mean, it's not like I'm sticking my fingers down my throat to make myself throw up, but maybe somewhere hidden deep in the back of my brain, my body has trained itself to not allow food to stay in my body? I don't know honestly. <br />
I had my "official" ultrasound last week and the tech and doctor say that our baby is growing healthy. That she is in the 53rd percentile for her growth, which is good. I think the reason why I am so frustrated with it all is that when I first found out I was pregnant, I was completely honest with my OB about my ED and all the struggles I've been through, not only the last 3 years especially, but the last 14 years that I've lived with it. And she didn't seem too concerned. And honestly, she doesn't seem too concerned with the little amount of weight I've gained. I mean, I am 21 weeks and have only gained a total of 6lbs. How is that not alarming to her?<br />
I sit up for a minimum of 45 minutes every night imagining what the rest of my pregnancy is going to be like if this morning sickness continues. Does that mean that my daughter is going to have a low birth weight? Am I going to feel like world's shittiest mother because I couldn't do more? These thoughts are never ending. I am constantly battling my mind in one way or another. And it's exhausting.<br />
Sorry for such a long post, but there was a lot of shit I needed to get off my chest. I hope you're all doing well, and I am slowly catching up on reading your ladies' blogs. Lots of love.<br />
XOXO KatieKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-81667141480330408682014-07-27T12:25:00.002-07:002014-07-27T12:25:56.736-07:00An updateSo here I am, halfway through my pregnancy. I wish I could say things have been a walk in the park for me, but if I'm being completely honest, I am having a hard time coping with the changes that my body is going through. There are days where I feel like I've eaten too much, so I feel like purging. That thought never goes away. <br />
I know that I've got my baby to think about, which is what keeps me from acting on my behaviors. But it's like an addiction that I'll never fully recover from. I'm terrified that when the baby comes, I am going to slip back into old habits. That I will be completely disgusted with what I see in the mirror, and I'll run over to the toilet and stick my fingers down my throat. <br />
I can't let myself do that again, but it doesn't mean that the thought isn't there. I can't count how many times my youngest was in the bathroom with me and watched me purge my food, and that kills me. I feel like the worlds worst mother because of it. <br />
Everyone tells me that I need to think about my kids and what their futures would be like if they didn't have their mother around because she killed herself with her eating disorder. It's a sad cycle really. <br />
My best friend and I were texting the other day and she said to me, "Katie, we are strong, and we will beat our eating disorders. We will live full, healthy lives." I replied, "You know, you've been saying that for years." Which she has. We've both lived with our eating disorders for 14 years now, and we always say that it's going to get better, but we always relapse. ALWAYS. <br />
I am very grateful that I haven't let it take over my body during my pregnancy, but I know it's there. I know Ana is scratching at the door, begging to come in. Most days, I can shut her out, pretend like she isn't there. The nights are the worse though. It takes me at least a minimum of 45 minutes to fall asleep every night because the thoughts won't stop running. <br />
And I'm not just saying it's Ana that keeps me awake at night. It's everything. My dad hasn't talked to me in months. He won't return my calls or texts. And then there is my other "best friend, E." I don't know what her problem is, but it's like I'm nothing to her now.<br />
About two months ago, she came and hung out with me and T at our house, and brought her new boyfriend, who she was afraid I wasn't going to like. But we all hung out, smoked some weed, and had a good time. I haven't talked to her since that night. I've texted her, I've called her, I've even showed up at her work; nothing. She won't respond. And I know that she is okay, because I see her post stupid shit on Facebook all the time. I think the only way I am going to get her attention is tag her in a status on Facebook and see if she responds. A part of me wants to be a total bitch about it, but that's not me. <br />
This has probably been my biggest burden lately. Is how it's so easy for everyone to walk out of my life, like 13 years of friendship, or the fact that I am still his daughter, means nothing. I'm very lucky to have T and his dad, and my boys, and my mom, but what about all the people who said they would stick by my side through everything?<br />
I'm sorry that I'm ranting. I know it's been awhile since I've posted, and I'm sorry for that. I will try my hardest to post more often. Please ladies, send me an email and let me know how you are doing. I miss you all so very dearly, and I want to know that you're all doing ok. Lots of love.<br />
XOXO KatieKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-89542604330089208052014-05-13T07:19:00.002-07:002014-05-13T07:19:50.048-07:00Pregnancy and AnaSo the assumption was that as soon as I got pregnant, that Ana would just disappear and I would be fully recovered. I wish that was the case. I wish that as soon as I got pregnant that the terrorizing voices would dissipate, but they are still there on a daily basis. Especially if I eat triggering foods.<br />
The other night I ate Ramen for the first time in months. It was terrible. The only reason why I ate them is because I was literally craving it. Even as I was eating them, I was regretting it. And after I was done, all I wanted to do was purge them. I mean, this is a food that I would eat just for the soul purpose of purging it in the past. <br />
This is just one of the many struggles that I deal with daily. I am still smoking pot. My doctor knows and pretty much told me that the benefits outweigh the risks. Smoking takes away the anxiety and helps me eat. But if I don't smoke, I don't have an appetite and then I won't eat. It's terrible.<br />
My weight has gone up 6lbs since I found out I was pregnant. Most days I can deal with it, other days, I am dreading how much weight I am going to gain throughout the pregnancy. Since I was considered underweight at the beginning of my pregnancy, they want me to gain 35lbs. This terrifies me. That would put me at 140lbs again. That's what I weighed before I became hard and heavy into my eating disorder.<br />
T worries that I will go running back to Ana as soon as the baby comes, and honestly I can't blame him. It's such an easy thing to turn to when you're desperate. I am not saying that I will turn to my eating disorder once the baby comes, but I am not going to lie; it would be really simple to turn to something so familiar. <br />
I am seeing my therapist this morning. I've only seen her once since I found out I was pregnant. At the time I was so ecstatic about being pregnant, I didn't eve think that I would ever have to deal with Ana again. As I've gotten further along, I've realized that isn't the case. I've realized that pregnancy isn't the fix all for an eating disorder. <br />
I love being pregnant. I love the idea of bringing another life into this world and sharing that experience with the love of my life. I'm excited to be a mom again and hopefully this time to a little girl. There are far too many boys in this house lol. <br />
I'm not saying this will be an easy journey, because I'm pretty sure there are a lot of bumps in the road ahead, but I'm not going to let Ana win. I can't give her the satisfaction of being right all the time and not allowing me to have a life without her in it. She will always be there, but I don't have to let her drive any longer. I'm in control, this is my life, not hers.<br />
Thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. I miss you all so dearly and I can't wait to get updates from all of you.<br />
Lots of love,<br />
XOXO KatieKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-77865589297371160242014-05-06T11:38:00.001-07:002014-05-06T11:38:15.879-07:00Being pregnant with an eating disorderFirst off, I want to thank all of you for continuously checking up on me and seeing how I am doing. Let me get you all caught up...<br />
As you can tell from my post title, I am pregnant! I know, exciting news. T and I are both convinced that God gave me what I wanted just as soon as I gave him what he wanted, and that was Recovery. As soon as I became recovery focused, God gave me a baby. <br />
Things with the baby have been good, although it hasn't been easy. Trying to maintain a healthy pregnancy but dealing with the voice of Ana has been hard. Most times when I eat, I can shut her up, but then there are days where I just can't get her out of my head. She is loud and screaming at me. Last night was one of those nights. I ate 2 whole pieces of cheesecake, by myself. And found myself crying afterwards and couldn't get those negative thoughts out of my head. <br />
T told me last night that he can't imagine me going the remaining of my pregnancy fighting off Ana, because if things don't change, I am going to end up running back to Ana once the baby is born.<br />
I do plan on doing a proper, informational post about what it's like to be pregnant and living with an apparent eating disorder. But to be honest, it's taken me two weeks to convince myself to get on blogger and post. <br />
Unfortunately, I am not going to be able to read your posts, because I will find them triggering, and I am sorry for that. But I would love to get some emails about how each of you are doing individually or some comments on here. I also want to ask Bella if you got my letter? I sent you a letter about a month back and haven't heard from you by mail or email. <br />
I miss you all so very much and I will try to keep you all updated on my life. <br />
Lots of love,<br />
XOXO KatieKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8143545286368792447.post-71115984858276215652014-03-19T16:28:00.001-07:002014-03-19T16:28:09.504-07:00UpdateThe doctor's appointment yesterday was a failure,<br />
She was a bitch and didn't take me seriously.<br />
Even after how honest I was with her.<br />
<br />
I told her that I've been addicted to laxies,<br />
That I take around 24 a day,<br />
And asked her if that's what could be causing the problems.<br />
<br />
She didn't seem too concerned about the laxies,<br />
Instead she told me they can't do anything about that,<br />
That I have to go through counseling to get over my addiction.<br />
<br />
Well duh, that's why I'm meeting with my therapist,<br />
But I would really like to know if<br />
I'm doing any damage with the amount of laxies I take.<br />
<br />
The nausea still hasn't gone away,<br />
She prescribed these patches to wear<br />
Behind my ear to take away the nausea.<br />
<br />
They don't work.<br />
I threw up breakfast this morning.<br />
And dinner last night.<br />
<br />
I'm so beyond frustrated with it,<br />
That there is something wrong with my body,<br />
And none of the doctors give a shit.<br />
<br />
In other news, I haven't purged since Saturday,<br />
Mostly because I'm throwing up everything I eat,<br />
And I don't have much of an appetite anyway.<br />
<br />
I've recently started smoking weed,<br />
Because it temporarily gets rid of the nausea,<br />
Plus it calms my anxiety down a great deal.<br />
<br />
Last night I finally told T how many laxies I take a day,<br />
We determined that I am taking 8 days worth in 1 day,<br />
He was so disappointed, I could see it in his eyes.<br />
<br />
I hate letting him down,<br />
I hate that my ed is ruining his life,<br />
And I hate that I feel powerless to stop it.<br />
<br />
I'm pretty depressed today,<br />
I've slept most of the day,<br />
And I feel like I could sleep more.<br />
<br />
T went to the gym while I lied down,<br />
I really need to get back to the gym,<br />
My body looks like shit.<br />
<br />
Well that's enough ranting,<br />
I hope you're all doing well.<br />
Lots of love,<br />
XOXO KatieKatie Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04593566837532308985noreply@blogger.com6