My pink suitcase is staring at me. Taunting me. I stare back at it knowing what it holds. All my clothes, shoes, pills are in there. Mostly leggings and baggy shirts. Then there's the bag that has all my bathroom needs in it. The only thing missing from in there is all my makeup and my hairbrush. The two things I still need before I leave tomorrow.
My mom is up here for the day. We went to Kohl's and got me a couple more shirts for while I'm gone, and a robe. Afterwards, she took T and I out to lunch. I had an anxiety attack looking at the menu. Everything was deep fried or covered in grease. I chose something small and easy to purge. While waiting for our food, I took 6 more laxatives. That makes 12 so far for the day, and nothing is happening. I'm starting to freak out. What if I go into treatment tomorrow and they put me on the scale and I've gained 4lbs from the fattening foods I ate today? Maybe 6 more laxatives and that will be it for the day.
I dropped the boys off with their dads this weekend. I cried. I am going to miss them so much. My youngest didn't want me to go. He kept holding onto my hand and telling me that he loves me. It pretty much broke my heart. And then there's T. I don't know how I'm going to handle being away from him so long. I've been thinking that I won't send him any pictures of me while I'm gone so he can see the difference when I come back. I'm going to miss our mornings, just smoking and talking.
I'm just rambling. I apologize. I'm just an emotional wreck and don't know how I'm going to handle all of this. I hope everyone is doing well.
XOXO Katie
Hang in there, you are taking a very positive step for yourself. Will you be able to keep blogging? You already know this is a hard part of recovery, which means you also SHOULD KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE for doing this! Xoxoxo and best wishes
ReplyDeleteGood luck, hun. Be strong.
ReplyDeleteLena xx
Hugs Katie. I hope it at least gives you the break you've been looking for. I do worry about your laxative use, and how your body will cope with coming off them as I know it's hell. You're obviously a loving, deeply caring mother and future-wife, and I hope you'll be around for your boys for many years to come. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, I'm going to miss your posts and presence in the blogosphere. Take care dear, sending lots of love xxxx
ReplyDeleteOh Katie my dear I'm so pleased that you are taking this step, I hope you are ok. Know that you are loved and remind yourself as often as you can why this is important for you and your family x you are strong enough in fact you are one of the strongest people I have the privilege of knowing. I know you can do this darling even if it seems overwhelming and too much. You are beautiful and you are loved. Good luck darling! Love you! Xx
ReplyDeleteGetting treatment does involve a lot of sacrifices, Katie. But I'm sure you'll emerge a much better person and mom for your kids after going through it. It won't be easy but I support you, dear. Hugs, and all the best to you! God bless! ♡
ReplyDeleteGood luck dear! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers! Remember who you're doing this for. <3
ReplyDeleteGood luck Katie!
ReplyDeleteI will be keeping you in my thoughts! Best of luck, I know you can do it. Anorexia and Bulimia do not have to rule your life forever. Xxx <3
ReplyDeleteOh Katie I'm so happy your insurance is helping you out! I'm excited for you, I'll keep you in my thoughts
ReplyDelete