Why is letting go so hard? I have tried several times to let go of my past and my trauma, but it always comes back to haunt me. Looking back on all the shit I've been through, years of abuse, the verbal attacks, the deaths; I would have never suspected I'd be still dealing with it now.
I'm trying so hard to move on with my life; to find my purpose, but it seems like I don't have one, and that is depressing. I'm 24 years old and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I feel stuck in a mental hell that I can't get out of.
My anxiety is so bad that I rarely drive anywhere unless I absolutely have to. My thoughts are constantly racing. I think that's why I'm always in go mode. I need to keep myself busy or memories overwhelm me.
In other news, I've gotten too fat. I'm up 4lbs at 97. I don't know how this happened, but I don't like it. My jeans feel tighter and I feel like a balloon. I can't keep gaining weight or I'm not going to fit into my wedding dress since I'm having it custom made. I need to lose these 4lbs and stay at 93lbs until after the wedding. Maybe I'll go to the gym tonight.
I'm thinking about quitting at the club again. It's tearing my body apart and killing my self esteem even more. The only thing I'm really going to miss about working there is the awesome friends I've made while being there. But the good thing about that is that I'll still be able to be in contact with them. I'm going to spend this week searching for a new job. I'm thinking a waitressing job is what's going to be best because I'll still have money in my pocket everyday.
Sorry for the rambling, I just wanted to do a quick update. Miss all of you lovely ladies.
XOXO Katie
Let me start with the first order or business and say YOU ARE NOT FAT! I totally don't believe people when they say it either but girl, I'm definitely heavier than you and people say I look thin. I can squat one of you! I can dead lift one of you! :)
ReplyDeleteSecond order of business. You know, it comes and goes for me. Some things trigger it, other times it just lies dormant until suddenly something unrelated awakens it and leaves me anxious and upset for days or weeks. What I find most helpful is writing about it or talking to someone close. It's toxic to leave everything that happened to you inside. You need to hear someone tell you that it wasn't your fault and that you can heal, even if you don't believe it yet.
Rarely do people our age have everything figured out. I'm graduating with my BA in December and I don't have it all figured out. I'm going to go to grad school. That's it so far. Maybe you could consider going to a few counseling sessions? They really can help and give you a little bit of peace of mind knowing you have positive skills to help you when you're anxious or having flashbacks. I know that for me personally, having anorexia kept me stuck as the victim. It kept me struggling and self conscious and depressed. When I decided to recover and forced myself to face things in my past and work through as many as I could, I started to really heal and things began to slowly go away. It's a work in progress, but something to think about.
Lots of love and hugs.
You have honestly just inspired a post - but. What I will say here is that you are trying too hard to figure things out. If I look at what I expect out of my life from year to year, it never turns out the way I planned, but somehow I always land on my feet. I am fat, lonely and miserable, but at the same time, I've learned to be functional with my ED and some things have gone right and it's okay to just not know. And better yet, it is okay to not have a plan. Planning is a benchmark for disappointment, so don't plan and just let yourself do what makes you feel good at the time. Xo
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad to know that you are struggling so much. To know that I want to help you in any way I can, but I don't know if there is anything I can do. If you ever just want to talk, or anything, you have my number. Maybe we can hang out again sometime, but I'll leave that up to you. Things will get better eventually. Just hang in there. Love you. Xx
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