I don't know where to begin. First of all, thank you all for your supportive comments on my last post. I did go for an audition at the strip club, got the job, and worked last night. But turned down the job this morning. For many reasons, but the main was that T wasn't as ok with it as he let me believe he was. But my one and only night was fun. The girls I worked with were very sweet. Everyone made me feel very welcomed and special. And dancing wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I didn't pay any mind to the people watching me. I felt free and independent. Oh well I guess. One more thing in my life I couldn't do.
Which brings me to how low I've been feeling lately. I cut for my first time in over a year. I've been bruising up my legs again. And constantly chewing on the inside of my mouth. It looks like a freaking crater in there. I feel like I have zero self worth. Which is probably why I wanted the stripper job in the first place. So maybe I could feel a small percentage of what it's like to be noticed.
I've lost a total of 5lbs. I don't know exactly how because I feel like a fat cow. I feel like I've been eating like a little piggy. My thighs are huge and my stomach is bulging. My face has broken out terribly. I just want to stay inside and not show my horrifying face. I can't go to the gym and work out because I'm scared I'll run into that man again.
I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'm just so sad and depressed and beat down. And to top it all off, I've got a terrible cold. I feel like crap. I hope you all are doing well.
XOXO Katie
It should be up to you, the job that you have. But it was kind of you to turn down the job for him.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that things are difficult right now, but I will do anything to help you in any way that I can. Xx love you, Katie. <3
I just started following you! (commented on your comment :D) You know, I think that even though the attention makes you feel beautiful in the moment, the people there are only there to consume and take and they don't care if you're beautiful inside. In the end, I think it would be counterproductive. Maybe you could do something like Zumba?
ReplyDeleteCheer up, love. I know when things feel awful it's like there's no way out. Thinking of you!
Huge hug!
I've been reading your blog for a while now and I just want to say you shouldn't look at the dancing as a failure or something you couldn't do. I greatly admire your courage and adventurous spirit to try something new. You should be so proud of yourself for that! :D In the end, we need to start looking after ourselves and doing things that make us happy. Good on you! xxx
ReplyDeleteHey, no regrets, right? You got to do it for a day, and did it help?
ReplyDeleteI'm sad that you've been feeling so low. :( Is there anyone in your life you can go to for support?
I send you all my hugs!