Treatment failed

So when I woke up on Thursday morning, I was a wreck. I had forgotten to take my pills the night before which always leads to an emotional day the next day. I had a migraine since 5:30am, and I didn't sleep well. My hair wasn't cooperating, my eyes looked like I had been awake for days. I knew that Thursday was going to be a disaster, and boy was I right.
When I got to program, my name is on the nurses white board to have my weigh in. It was killing me not knowing my weight. I told her I felt light headed and she checked my blood pressure. It was 88/56, but my pulse was through the roof. Before I had even made it to breakfast I had made the decision that I was going home. Breakfast came. Too much food to eat and none of it was good. But I finished it just so I wouldn't have to boost.
I found my therapist after breakfast and told her how I was feeling. I felt like a fucking child. I couldn't go to the bathroom when I wanted to, and never by myself. I couldn't go smoke a cigarette when I wanted to. I went from smoking over a pack a day to having one every 4 hours. Of course I was going to be a bitch. I told my therapist that I was wasting my time, their time, and insurance's money. That I could do recovery on my own and that I didn't belong there.
She wasn't happy with me. By this point my eyes were all puffy and red from bawling my eye out. She said that it wasn't me talking, that it was my eating disorder. She said I wasn't well enough to leave. I begged her for her permission but she wouldn't give it to me. So I told her that I was sorry, but I was going home. She proceeded to tell me that I would be discharging against medical advice and that if I ever wanted to come back, my insurance wouldn't cover it.
So I started to try to get the ball rolling on me going home. But no one was cooperating with me. My discharge time kept getting pushed further and further back into the day. So then lunch came. And what a nightmare that was. Thursdays are challenge days, so they took all of us out to Black Eye Pea. I couldn't find anything that sounded good or didn't give me high anxiety. I finally ordered the pot roast, and at a small bit of it. I ended up having to boost when we got back to program. I didn't even want to be out in public because you could tell I've been crying all day.
When we got back to program, I ended up sneaking away and purging my lunch. I didn't really want to, but I was so frustrated, anxious and emotional, and I really didn't want to keep the food in my stomach. I finally started to fill out the discharge papers, and was hoping to get back to the house to pack my stuff and head home. Then I found out that no one is at the house until 6pm so I had to wait til then to get my stuff anyway. So I ended up eating dinner at program too. It was disgusting and I was so frustrated with everyone. So I processed dinner, got in my car and raced back to the house. I was hoping to be gone by the time all the girls got back and I was packing my car up when they pulled up.
One of the girls came up to me and begged me to stay. She said that I was too sick and that it was my eating disorder that wanted to leave. I told her that I appreciated her caring but I knew that I wanted to go home and not stay there any longer. Finally, I got in my car and headed home.
I've been doing pretty good since I got home. I'm eating the majority of my meals and I am up to 94lbs. So I've put on 6 ugly pounds since Monday. I don't feel sexy. I feel huge. But I feel proud of myself. At least I'm doing it. I'm not sure if I'll ever like my body. I didn't at 81lbs, and I didn't at 115lbs. The best I can do is try. The one thing I've noticed is that I do have more energy and I'm able to do things around the house again. So we will see where this journey takes me. I want to thank you all for the continued support and prayers. You girls are what gets me through the dark time. So thank you so much. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie