Walking down the streets in my "small" town, there are reminders everywhere. I realized this tonight when I made the decision not to go back to the gym. I'm canceling my membership. When I was asked why, I responded with, "It's just a painful reminder of what was taken from me." Then I started thinking, I can't go anywhere here that doesn't inhibit a painful reminder. The drive through downtown, my favorite teacher at my old high school. The one last working payphone down by Safeway. Safeway in itself. But what's even more haunting is that I can't look at myself in the mirror and not be painfully reminded of everything that has been taken from me.
There's a scar on my right knee; a knife blade from R.J. The way my nose is a bit crooked because it's been broken three times. Scars on my wrists from when I started cutting after being raped for 4th time by the 4th guy. But the biggest reminder? The dark circles under my eyes that I have to cover up with makeup every morning. Those are caused by the nightmares that keep me from sleeping every night. It's just easier for me not to sleep, then to be haunted by my dreams.
All the trauma I have been through in my life has prevented me from actually living my life. I can't enjoy much because I'm either focusing too hard on being perfect, or caught up in my past. This is one of the biggest things that bothers T about me. I CAN NOT let go of my past. It's what shaped me. What made me the person that I strive to be everyday. But in the same light, what kind of person would I be without it? Would I be able to live a happy and fulfilled life? Would I be able to go out with friends for a night out and not be consumed in thought about the drink I'll get, or the food I'll order? Would I be able to go for a walk without constantly looking over my shoulder in fear of being attacked by someone of my past?
I'm anxious all the time. Locking my doors when I'm home by myself. Afraid to take a walk down to the gas station to get my cigarettes. Going to the store by myself scares me. I'm terrified of my past finding me. Living in constant fear is destroying my life in every aspect. But it's the only thing that I know.
Last week I wrote in my journal that I need to get away for a bit, all by myself, to try to find myself. I was really hell bent on doing this. It sounds nice in theory but in reality, it can't happen. I have too much of a busy life, and kids. I would never get the time.
All the diagnosis that I have, all the medication I take everyday, is part of my life. It is my life. I've learned to live with it. But living with it is not good enough. Just like every part of me. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
As someone who's also been a victim of multiple assaults, I find posts dealing with the subject very difficult to read, and even harder to find words for, but I feel I need to reach out to you here.
ReplyDeleteI know that fear. Everything holds a painful reminder, and you're always looking over your shoulder and constantly anxious. It keeps me trapped - I won't leave the house, and even then I won't go into most rooms because I only see them as crime scenes (I've slept on the couch for years). Trauma stays with us forever. It's not something that's easy to forget. I hope one day we're both able to live without fear, but I can relate when you say it's the only thing you know. I'm sorry I don't have more helpful words.
You're in my thoughts dear <3 xx
I think it's a great idea to get away! Where are you going to go?
ReplyDeleteDon't say not good enough Katie, you are. For a change you're just feeling it and leaving the harmful actions out related to it - which means you're making the change. It's hard when you don't have really that many new routines and memories yet, you got just the pain from your past and the old habits you're not allowed to anymore, you feel lost. What the heck I am supposed to do? But that's all part of it, it's the hardest thing ever and it hurts but not as much as the pain when you have nothing and you're hurting the people around you. Forgiving takes time, building a new life takes time. It hurts but you're not alone in there and soon you'll get more than the moon from the sky when you find new memories in that environment to cover up the old ones.
ReplyDeleteLots of love and strength!
<3 <3
Oh dearest Katie..No one should have to live like that, you deserve to live your life - actually live it, and it's easier said than done to just move on and leave the past behind you especially when it haunts you so and when you are your own painful reminder (I'm speaking about me on that one).. Everyone deals with things differently - I chose to bottle up, ignore, lock it away somewhere deep inside. But even then I am my own painful reminder, going anywhere is too much for me too, fear is my greatest companion right now and it sucks. But I know that there is a life past this. We should not have to live this way and you deserve to be content and you deserve to be able to live life fully.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you are ok..
It took me a while to get the courage to read this post as I was afraid of being reminded of my own past - so sorry for commenting so late.
Know that you are loved, and you deserve to live.
Lots of love xx
Katie, this post tore at my heart strings. I may not know exactly how you feel, but I wish there was something I could do. I wish there was something I could say. All I know I can do is be your friend. I will always be here. When I get back from Amsterdam, maybe we could hang out again. Xx
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