There are so many emotions that I am experiencing at the moment. I think the strongest emotion I'm feeling is frustration. I feel like all I am doing while I'm here is eating and talking about feelings. I know that that's a big part of recovering from an eating disorder, but can we calm the fuck down on food for a bit? It's absolutely killing me not knowing my weight. If I had to guess, I'm probably up 5 whole pounds from Monday. I can feel it, especially in my stomach and my thighs. I look like a blimp.
I met with my therapist today. The session is kind of a blur to me. I was exhausted today and drifted in and out of sleep all day. But I do remember telling my therapist that I am a fat cow and that I am not sick enough to be in treatment. That's when she told me that she can tell how tight of a grip my eating disorder has on me. That I am sicker than I think and I need treatment. I was honest with her and told her that I don't really want to be here and the main reason why I came to treatment is so I can be around for my kids. I told her that I am not at all recovery focused and I won't be sad if my insurance doesn't cover longer than the 8 days for me.
I feel guilty for feeling that way, and I know that until I fully want recovery, I am going to be stuck in my eating disorder. But for me, I just don't feel like I need treatment. I don't feel like my eating is that disordered. I don't feel like I'm underweight. I still feel like I could lose some weight. That another 10lbs won't jeopardize my health. There are other girls out there who deserve to be in treatment way more than I do.
I handed over my laxatives to the staff this morning, but only after taking some to get me through the day. Now I officially don't have any and I've already had several anxiety attacks about it. They are my crutch and they are what get me through each day. Knowing that I won't have them for me to take tomorrow morning is freaking me out. I can't promise that I won't go out and buy some the next chance I get alone. They can't just expect me to quit cold turkey. In fact, my psychiatrist told me yesterday that it might do some damage if I quit taking them all at once. That it might be a better idea for me to taper off of them.
So all in all, I am not doing that great. I can't stand all of this food. I feel like a beached whale. There are way too many emotions for me to process at one time. And to top everything off, I think I'm coming down with a cold. I'm miserable. But that doesn't surprise me. Maybe I am one of those people that can't be happy unless they're miserable. I hope you all are doing well. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie
I love how strong you are, even if you don't realise it yourself. keep in mind that even some happy moments count and try your best to keep them inside your head.
ReplyDeletexx
You may be saying all of these negative things, Katie, but this is what Ana is doing to you. This isn't you, this is Ana talking. The fact that you are undergoing treatment even if your mind tells otherwise is enough to assure me that you will be okay. Hang in there, dear. Like what I always say, I support you. And I like reading all these updates about you. So keep pouring your heart out as much as you can. Much love and God bless. ♡
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you're feeling so crappy after the first couple of days. I think most of us with EDs feel that way, that we're not sick enough to need treatment. I guess that's why your therapist said it tells her how tight of a grip your ED has on you. I hope they let you taper off the laxatives, I'd hate to think of you doing damage by stopping abruptly. Sending big hugs your way. Thinking of you xx
ReplyDeleteIt's always hard at thebeginning but I know that you are strong enough to do it. I believe in you and I'm proud of you for giving up the laxatives. It will help you in the long run. Xxx you definitely deserve to be in treatment, and I know you can do it. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing out how you feel. It'll be a great way to track your mental progress. You've at least realized that you don't want recovery yet. I was there for months before I chose to start recovering. I'm in a rut again, but I was recovered for a while. I KNOW you can do it, my beautiful dear. You weigh in the double-digits. And unless you're only 5 foot tall or less, that's an extremely low weight. Even my lowest weight goal, and I'm 5'3", is to weight 102. Yeah, almost double digits, but not below. You are such a strong, brave woman and will be able to do this. Definitely request that you be allowed to slowly come off the laxatives - you have Miralax now though, right? Hang in there and keep posting. We're all here for you. XOXO
ReplyDeleteYou made me laugh. "We're just talking about feelings!" Well, what else are you gonna do there silly? :P I'm going to be straight up with you and say yes, you'll gain weight. Why? You've been starving for a while and your body is like "Thank Jesus! Fooooooood!" Then it's going to do what bodies do and use the food to make your organs and brain work and then it's going to do other cool things like strengthen your bones and make your hair look awesome. You'll have all this cool energy to play with your kids and do stuff with T.
ReplyDeleteYour laxative use really scares me. I'll be honest. Your body can become dependent on it and your whole system could potentially not function correctly without it, from what I've read. In my relapse I would only use them in emergencies because I was terrified I would do that kind of permanent damage to my body.
Listen Katie, our disorders make us selfish. It doesn't matter if you're the kindest, quietest, sweetest person in the world. You WILL find a way to justify why you need this. My reasons were that I was a better, more focused student (and I was), I had more discipline and ate clean, everyone else was able to lose weight normally but I couldn't. It was a lot of performance based needs I thought my disorder filled. It was a lot of personality traits I thought were bad that were being smothered. You're going to have to address your past. There's no way you can't if you want to live a healthy life. I wasn't. I was just going through life justifying why I needed this or that crutch. As I began to try and recover I knew in my heart that I couldn't get better and I wouldn't have better opportunities for myself in life if I didn't give it up. It was awful. I didn't want to at all because I wanted to have a little something left for myself in case I failed. I have this habit of going at things all or nothing, success or I quite. I hate failure. The very thought of it scares me. I had to pray for days that God would give me a little tiny piece of myself that wanted to give it up. Then I considered it so I prayed some more and pushed a little harder against that cold glass. I had to have all these emotions and they felt all wrong. Sometimes they were latent or they weren't appropriate for the situation because I had balled them up but I had to work with a few close people understanding them and letting them go. Your ED is not you. There's a Katie under there that you don't know. Getting acquainted with her is as nerve wracking as meeting Ryan Gosling after you've been all sweaty at the gym but you should do it anyway. :) It's amazing, the person you are, you just haven't met her yet. You should consider it. You should consider letting your family meet her. They deserve the best you. They deserve to eat popcorn during a movie with you and for you to feel fine eating a brownie. The kids deserve a healthy, vivacious mom. T deserves the strong, sexy inner you. YOU deserve to be the healthy you! The demons start going away when you confront them. I have some of the same ones with abuse you do and it's painful but they leave.
Think about it.
I love you lots!