Monday, May 8, 2017

Facing demons

Things in my life have been so chaotic lately.
I'm having a hard time focusing on any one thing.
My brain is scattered and it takes me from reality.
But this post is about facing my demons.
Which demons you may ask?
My father, my brother, my personal past.
So let us start with my father.
Since T and I got married in 2015,
I've spoken to my father maybe a handful of times.
About a month ago, we ran into each other at Walmart.
It was awkward and lacked any connection.
A week or so after, I missed a call from him.
Given his past history of health problems
And the fact there was a 4 minute voicemail of silence,
I called him back twice to make sure he was ok
His response? "Well I didn't mean to call you, why would I call you?"
Um, well ok then.
The thing about my father is that he is a narcissist.
He's an alcoholic, and he never takes blame.
He'll place blame til he's blue in the face,
But that man can never do any wrong.
I've driven by him in town a couple times,
And he barely acknowledges me.
I don't know why I try so hard to please him.
I'm almost 28 years old, and I still want my fathers approval.
Why, is beyond me.
So that's been heavy on my mind.
Then there's my brother Jeremy.
The one who molested me as a young child.
If you've been reading for awhile,
You'll know that about 3 years ago I confronted him.
After not talking to him in a very long time.
Since then, I've learned to forgive him.
I didn't forgive him for him,
Or for the sake of my family.
I forgave him because I needed to move on.
We've hung out a few times with our kiddos.
We talk several times a week and I enjoy it.
But things are weird.
He's awkward around me because he's afraid of crossing lines.
He actually asked me last week if he could hug me.
My mom doesn't understand why I've formed a relationship with him,
And sometimes I feel like she feels bitter about it.
We've opened up to each other about childhood,
Things that I was too young to remember,
Or things that have been omitted in fear of judgement.
Let's just say that I understand him a bit better,
And I feel closer to him as a sister.
So for now,
I'll leave my father alone because that's obviously what he wants.
And as for my brother,
We will continue to rebuild our relationship.
Maybe I'll be back later this week,
To do a proper update.
Until then, stay lovely.
XOXO Katie

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