My weight stayed the same today. Even after purging my lunch yesterday and skipping dinner last night. I did have a late night snack after smoking a bowl. That is probably the thing I hate the most about smoking is that I always get the munchies and I end up eating unhealthy shit. I just wish my weight would do something. When the number stays the same for over a week, it's just frustrating.
Today is another fat day for me. I spent the day cleaning and I even shampooed the carpets. I tried to stay active all day so hopefully burned some calories that way. I didn't purge my lunch which was stupid. We ate out. I had two pancakes, 1 egg and two pieces of ham. I feel like such a piggy. And lately I look like one too. I'm wearing a big hoodie to cover up my disgusting body.
I did end up taking 7 laxies today. Probably too much, but honestly, my weight needs to go down. I need to lose some weight. I'm repulsed by my body. Alright that's enough bitching. I hope to do another update a bit later. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie
It's probably hard to do with kids but I make sure I don't have access to food whilst high. At least junk food...and bread...and sandwich meat. Sometimes I'll smoke in my car and listen to music till the whole"munchies" phase passes. Could be worth a try!
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that weight doesn't matter if your mind isn't in the right place you know this. I know this. I did 215 pound floor bridges yesterday. In this case more weighs an accomplishment. I gained at least 20 pounds of muscle. I open up the fridge, look around, pretend I'm self righteous about what goes into my body and settle on whatever I can find because I can't afford to eat clean right now. I'm a broke graduate student. I go work out. I put on my clothes and I tell myself that I'm beautiful with this muscle and this amount of actual body. And then I ask myself what does it matter If I lose an ounce or gain an ounce? The world doesn't stop, things don't change, I go to college and finish my homework, and I remain the same with or without the belief that I am fat. with or without the belief that I gained or lost based on what I ate. I am 160 pounds Katie. 5'8 and 160 pounds and there was a lot of burning, aching, crying, and introspection as I gained that weight. You are beautiful. Somewhere along the line it became vital to survival to starve and I understand because I was there and what I just described is recovery. I could lose a little. Sure. I could choose water over beer, nothing over dessert, and skip breakfast rather than eat french toast but this is humanity. You saw the ugly side. I saw the ugly side. After fire comes new growth. You are not fat. Stop. Please. You are beautiful. You are capable. You are a mother and you fight. You are human and you are broken like the rest of us but killing yourself won't make us see that you're beautiful; we already know. It won't make the people that hurt you so deeply like only abuse can hurt, it prolongs you in that purgatory that is sexual abuse victim. This is your life. Take it back. You are beautiful. I will say it again because you are and you deserve the best that life has to offer.
ReplyDeleteThis is not my life anymore hut know that I'm reading and supporting and I don't mean anything harshly. I just believe so deeply in your recovery and I believe so strongly that you deserve a beautiful life that I can't sit here and tell you that "it'll be okay" "don't worry" and the things I should say. I care about you and I want the best for you.
I've grown to love you through this blog and I say all of this in love and I hope you know that and I hope you got my email. :)
Thank you for your recent comments. It's good to come back to old friends. I have a similar problem with eating out - I can control what I'm eating at home, but when I'm in a restaurant, I always seem to order the wrong thing.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. xx
Hey there dear. I would love to email with you. I'm a bit concerned about a release when you've worked so hard to regain your health. If you're interested, my email is callalilyknight@gmail.com. Xoxo, Katie. I believe in you.
ReplyDelete