One step forward, 5 back

That's how I feel today. I made it to the gym this morning, after not going for like a month. I felt so fantastic afterwards. Then I came home to change and get ready so I can go out looking for a job. T and I went out to a restaurant so I could fill out the application and we could eat lunch. I ate like a fat piggy. I had the majority of my salad, a mozzarella stick, 3 boneless wings, a couple chips with dip, and a piece of a quesadilla. I felt so disgusting. So after dropping T back off at work, I came home and purged until there was nothing left except a raw throat. Then popped 6 laxies.
I am so disappointed in myself for letting it get out of hand. I haven't ate that much in such a long time. I will not be eating dinner tonight, that's for sure. I can't help but subconsciously count all the calories of everything I ate. That's something I don't think will ever go away. And to top everything off, the number on the scale still didn't change this morning. I think I need either a new scale or a new battery. I'm surprised that scale has lasted as long as it has. After last summer when T stabbed a sword through it; I didn't think it would ever work again. OMG, I just had a terrifying thought. What if it really hasn't been working right and it's been telling me the wrong numbers all along? What if I'm really 10lbs heavier than I think I am? Ugh, that would piss me off.
My youngest was full of piss and vinegar today. He has been defying everything that I have told him to do. It's days like this when I can't wait for him to start school and then I can have time to myself. I'm not sure if I really want alone time, but just time without the kiddos. Does that make me a bad mom? It's just my life is the same boring routine and so mundane. I need some excitement in my life. Maybe that would help with the depression as well. Something's gotta give soon or I'm going to lose my freakin mind.
The other night I smoked a bowl. It's been a long time since I've smoked and when I do it, I don't do it very often. But anyway, it helped relax me like a million times better. I felt happier, I was laughing, and I even ate a half of piece of pie, and some popcorn. Two unsafe foods. So T and I started joking, "how do you get an anorexic to eat? Light her up." We thought it was pretty funny.
So after my youngest wakes up from his nap, I have to take him up to his dad's and then pick my oldest up from school. My youngest has his pre-k evaluation tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous about it because he is so developmentally behind and I'm afraid of what that will mean about him getting into school. I remember taking my oldest to his evaluation and him exceeding in all of the academic features. Unfortunately I know my youngest is a bit academically challenged. I've been worrying about this all week and dreading tomorrow to come. But I guess we'll just see how it plays out. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie