Things have not been easy. My mind is a terrible place to be. I'm in a dark world and I'm not sure if or when I will be able to escape. I'm constantly depressed and want to cry over everything. My weight hasn't moved in a week. 93lbs is what I feel I will be stuck at forever. No matter what I eat or don't eat, the amount of laxies I take or how many times I purge during the day, my weight is not budging. It's so frustrating.
So I feel like I've let a lot of you down. On Saturday night, I went back to working at the club. It's just temporary until I can find a waitressing job. We desperately need the money for bills and the wedding. I know that most of you girls were happy to hear that I quit, so I'm sorry for disappointing you. I'm not very proud of it, and I don't plan on telling any friends or family this time. It's just easier if it's kept a secret.
I had my first therapy appointment last week with a wonderful woman named Julianne. Unfortunately I don't think she will be my regular counselor. She only works with children and would have to get special permission to be able to see me. But she is the only therapist at the practice that has had experience with eating disorders. It was nice to talk to someone who understood what I was going through. She is the second person who has told me that she is surprised that I haven't turned to substance abuse or alcoholism because of my traumatic past.
I don't know if this is something I should take as a compliment or that I'm just that fucked up in the head. T has said in the last week that my moods are like night and day. He told my doctor that I pretty much only have two moods. Either I'm really happy or really depressed. That there is no happy medium to me. I feel like I'm gonna explode sometimes.
With me working back at the club, I promised T that I was going to feed my body better since I will need the extra protein and calories with all the physical activity I'll be doing. I'm not sure how easy this is going to be for me. I guess all I can do is try and not overwhelm myself with it. I hope you all are doing well.
XOXO Katie
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low.
ReplyDeleteYou're not letting anyone down by going back to work at the club. Some people mightn't agree with it, but it's not their life to judge. You seemed to enjoy it last time, and you guys need the money, and that's all that matters.
I'm glad you were able to talk with the counsellor, even if it won't be a regular thing. I don't know what the rate is for trauma victims having substance issues, but I think you should take it as a compliment.
xx
First, I want to say thank you for voting on my photo. It means a lot to me :) And also, I'm really sorry things haven't been easy lately. Keeping you in my thoughts <3
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