Thursday, September 27, 2012

My letting go letter

So I am writing this letter to RJ. To let him know he doesn't have control over me anymore. Enjoy.
To RJ, Sept. 27, 2012

I know that I will never give you this letter that I am writing, but I think it is good for me to get it all out so that I can let go and drop all of this baggage that you placed on me. Here I am, almost 8 years later, and I still can not let go of what you did to me. I don't know where you are in your life, and frankly, I don't care. But you need to know where I am at in my life and what you did to contribute to the way I am today... You hurt me. In every way humanly possible. You started hitting me 2 weeks into our relationship. I was so young. I didn't know how to handle the situation. You were twice my size so there was no way that I could fight you off. You were two years older than me, and after watching what your dad put your mom through, I didn't think I would see a side like that of you. But here's the catch. Eventually it didn't just become your other side, it became your whole self. I didn't know another you. You tore me down and destroyed everything that I had once stood for. Not only did you take away my virginity, but then forced me to have an abortion at the age of 13! Adoption wasn't an option with you because you and your mom didn't want anyone to know. So we kept it a secret, your mom paid for it, and then we went about our life afterwards. You left me to deal with that pain alone. You didn't understand why I couldn't get over it. For 3 years you made my life a living fucking hell and I can't even begin to process where in your mind you felt it was right to treat me that way. But I didn't know any other way of life. My dad assumed that life with you was perfect and didn't take too much into consideration when I practically started living with you. You made me your property in no time and took away anything that would connect me to the outside world. I was your puppet. I was your slave. I still, to this very day, have nightmares about you. Some days when I wake up, I wake up emotionally upset, and sometimes I wake up really fucking angry. Angry at you. Angry at myself. How could I let someone treat me the way you did and not do anything about it. Your sister and your mom both knew and witnessed what you did to me. Everyone was too scared of you to say anything, so we kept it our little secret. Here's the thing about little secrets though RJ. They become very heavy burdens, and the victim has to deal with it for the rest of their life. But that is why I am taking this chance to write this letter. I do not want to live with this burden for the rest of my life. Everyone knows what you did to me. Except you. I am not sure you are quite aware of what you did to me and how it affected my life and future. RJ, I fucking watched you beat the shit out of your mom a week before Christmas one year. You always said you wouldn't hurt your mom because she was the one who protected you from your dad. Did it make you feel like a piece of shit when you were doing that? Did you regret it when the cops took you to the halfway house and you had to go to court? You know what I regret about that situation? Your mom begged me to go to the courts and show them the bruises, the bald spots in my hair, the burns on my legs, just to send you to jail; and I didn't. Because I was convinced that you would change. Like all the time you said before that. You never fucking changed. You continued to be the same controlling asshole that you had always been. I know that you don't think of me these days, but everything you did to me has been placed in my memory. I want these memories out and away. You sold me to your "friends" for drugs or money. You didn't care what they did to me, as long as you were getting something out of it. A girl at the age of 14 should not even know the things that I knew at that point. Fucked up thing is that the money that you got from other guys using my body, you didn't even share. You kept it all to yourself and claimed that you were the man, and you were in control of the money. You wouldn't let me wear blue jeans because you were so "gangsta" and if I wore blue, then I was being disrespectful towards you. Everyone that was even remotely close to either one of us knew what you were doing to me. It's not like you could cover up all the physical abuse you put me through. People noticed my hair missing. People noticed the black eyes. The bruises that covered my body. But I denied it all. Just to keep you safe. Wow, was I fucking stupid. You kept me down to one meal a day so I wouldn't get fat. I needed to be everything you needed to keep your habits going. You told me that I was ugly. And that sometimes guys would request a bag to put over my head when they used me because I was so ugly. Although that never happened. You used that to beat down my self esteem even more than it already was. That's why I live with an eating disorder to this day. Because something that started out as one tiny insecurity, you blew way out of proportion with the way you treated me. By the time that I got out of our relationship, I was so beat down, physically and emotionally, that I didn't know if I was ever going to be the same. You raped me a month before I finally got the nerve to leave you. That's when I started cutting. And when you found out that I was cutting, you made me feel guilty. Guilty for using something to control something in my life. You had my whole life in the palm of your hand. You even told me on several occasions that if I went to anyone and told them the physical pain you put me through, that you had a gun that I couldn't find, and you weren't afraid to use that. Are you fucking kidding me? Nothing about you was right. And honestly, I hope that your life is miserable. I hope that your daughter, Winter, doesn't have anything to do with you. I hope she gets taken away from you. Because in no short time at all, you will be treating her the same way. That's why her mom left. That's why your sister has temporary custody of her. You are a very destructive, selfish person and I am ready to get rid of you for good. I am happy in my life where I'm at, and I can not continue to carry the baggage with my relationship that I am in. He doesn't deserve that, and neither do I. I hate you. And I mean HATE you. To my very core. With everything that I am, I would give anything to watch you suffer the way I did, and still do. But come your day, I won't be the one making that call. You will have to face God and see the person that you are. He makes the judgement, and you will have to face the consequences for what you did and probably are continuing to do to this day. So to wrap this up, I am going to say that this is it. This is the end. I'm taking this baggage of mine that I've been carrying around for so long, and I'm throwing it away. From this point forward, you will have zero control over me and my thoughts. I am no longer giving into fear of you, but giving myself my life back. Maybe one day, this letter will find you. And I hope you realized that you hurt me to the point of nothingness. But I'm taking my voice and power back. How does that make you feel? Here, I've even attatched a song for you.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Day 14

I can't believe I have been here for two weeks already. Some days it seems like forever, some days it feels like it's flying by. Going home this past weekend was a success. I was able to eat according to my meal plan both Saturday night and Sunday morning. So I had my "staffing" this afternoon, and they told me they couldn't be more proud of me. I got moved up to blue level. Meaning I don't need a staff member to go out with me when I smoke, and I won't need a bathroom buddy all the time. I know to anyone else that might not sound exciting, but I am quite proud of myself. I know that I've gained weight, but I don't know exactly how much. I am guessing around 6lbs or so. So at least I'm gaining. My insurance is covering another week for me. Now it will go by a week by week basis, so each Tuesday I will find out if I get to stay another week. If I have put on 6lbs, that means that I only have another 11lbs to go until they say I'm at 90% of my body weight. I think I would be OK there. I am having a bit of a hard time adjusting to all of the food, but I am looking at it from a different perspective. I know that if I want to live my life to the fullest, and be a fantastic mother that I know I can be, I need to feed my body. It needs the fuel to keep it going. I am currently working on my Relapse Prevention Plan so I can show it to my therapist. It's very eye opening to realize everything that I can lose if I were to relapse. And everything I've already gained in the past 2 weeks here. I am feeling truly blessed that I got this opportunity to do this. To get a second chance to live. I've already put my poor body through so much hell and I know that some of it is permanently damaged, but I can't give up on it now. I am only 23. I have two kids that need me. My love that needs me. My family that needs me. And my friends that need me. In the past, I've let my eating disorder voice be so loud that I never realized how badly I've been hurting those in my life. My eyes are open now and I know that God has given me a second chance to be free from Ana. I'm taking that chance and running with it. Sometimes it's hard to imagine my life without Ana, but that's OK. Maybe being uncertain of that gives me something to look forward to. I know that a short amount of time in here, away from the outside world will give me a lifetime with those that I love. I've been paying more attention in the groups that I attend, which helps me better understand the road to recovery. Another thing I have learned in here is that I'm not alone. Besides all the other girls' blogs I read, I still didn't think that my thoughts and feelings were so common. I have made some wonderful friends being here. Some that I've grown to love from the bottom of my heart. I am thankful for the friendships I have made in here and the amount of support I have been getting not only here, but from everyone at home too. I never thought I would come to this point in my life where I was ready to be rid of my eating disorder. But I am. And it feels liberating. Tomorrow, I read my auto in my POD group. I read it to my therapist yesterday and she said she was proud of me and that I did a wonderful job. I am a bit nervous to read it in front of my peers, but I know that it will give them a better understanding of my life and why I ended up with Ana in the first place. But I am strong willed and I can do this. I want to thank everyone in my life and those that read my blog for all the awesome amount of support and love that I am receiving while trying to fight away my demons. I know that this road to recovery isn't always going to be easy, and I might have a slip once in a while, but I know that with my loved ones and God with me, I will see the other side of this eating disorder. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Friday, September 21, 2012

Day 10 in treatment

I'm sorry that I have been so absent. This has been a very long, emotional week. But I am excited about tomorrow because I get the privilege of leaving for the night tomorrow and going home. My family group is in the morning and my love is coming to that. Then after I get out of program, we are heading back to the house for the night. I get to see my youngest and I get to have some time away from here. So onto other things; last night I started writing my "autobiography" to read next week. I have to read it to the girls in my group and I'm pretty nervous. I have about 5 pages so far and I'm about half way through. While writing it last night though, I found a lot of triggering thoughts entering my mind. I had an overwhelming urge to cut myself. Luckily I talked to one of the girls about it and I didn't end up doing it. I was quite proud of myself. I have to have the rough draft of my auto done by Monday so my primary therapist can read it before I read it in front of everyone. I hope to get it finished on Sunday night. I'm really sad because we are losing one of the girls that I have become close with. She is leaving next week to go to a new place for a better level of care. That's one thing that does suck about places like this. You make some awesome friends but people come and go so often. But I have formed some awesome friendships and have made a few enemies. That's something that I learned this week all over again. I forgot what it's like to be in a place with a whole bunch of girls, seeing as I live with all guys. But gossip happens, things get said, and people get offended. According to the nurse I see every other day, I have only made a little bit of progress as far as weight goes, that they wanted to up my meal amount again. That's another reason why I'm so emotional this week. My meal plan has doubled. My average day with meals kinda looks like this; For breakfast it's either a bread day with peanut butter or a cereal day with milk. My breakfast consists of one of those, plus I have to have a fruit, plus I have to have a protein and this is around 9am. Then at 10:30 I have my AM snack which is trail mix. After that at 12pm we have lunch. My lunch is the normal what everyone else gets, plus a 1/2 cup of boost and another fruit. At 3pm I have my afternoon snack. Which is two snacks for me. Then at 5pm we have dinner. I have a regular dinner like everyone else, plus a fruit and another 1/2 cup of boost. And then finally at night sometime before bed, I have another snack. Which is another two snacks for me. So as you can see, I'm on a way different routine than what I was used to. Although I am doing it. I am eating 100% of all of my meals. I haven't been purging or taking laxies. I'm having a hard time with it, but I try to put that in the back of my mind while eating. Ana was pretty loud today, and still is. But instead of listening to her put me down, I'm concentrating on what I need to do to get better. I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I thought I would update everyone on what my life consists of these days. In between all those meals and snacks, I am in groups doing different things. I am in program from 8:15am-6:15pm during the week. Saturdays are 8:15am-3:15pm. And Sundays are 10:15am-6:15pm. Saturday nights we eat dinner at the house. And Sunday mornings we eat breakfast at the house. Then while at the house at night, we are working on projects for our groups at program. So as you can see, my days are quite busy. This is why I am so looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday morning. I'm nervous to see how I will do with dinner and breakfast on my own, but I'm confident that I can do it. My therapist is so proud of me for how much progress I have made in the short time that I have been here. She is already talking about moving me to IOP within a couple weeks. And then home. As long as my insurance covers it. But we will see what this weekend brings. I hope you all are doing well and I miss reading all the blogs. I promise to update more. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I'm sorry for my absence

I have been extremely emotionally and physically drained. Today was too hard of a day to go over everything. But I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here in treatment, and that I'm doing alright. Hopefully I can update when I feel better. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Telling Ana to shut up

This has been one of my most difficult challenges since entering treatment. But also, I find it easy when I engage in conversation with those around me. For me, her voice doesn't come until this time at night. When there is no one to talk to, after I have ate all my food for the day. She wants to wrap her arms around me and drag me down to that layer of hell that I try to avoid at all costs. I find it comforting that I am able to get through a meal without giving into her constant nagging, or telling me that the food will make me fat. Because while I am eating, and engaging in conversation, I am telling myself that my body needs this and that I haven't gained anything yet because my body is still trying to adjust to food. Although today I felt real uncomfortable in my clothes. I felt like I had gained like 5lbs and that none of my clothes were going to fit. I know this is not true, but it's this time of the night when I let those thoughts consume me. I have no roommate currently, so it's really quiet in my room. I have already finished the group work I wanted to work on for the night, I have already wrote in my journal, and I've already talked to my oldest son and my dad. So here I am at 11:15 at night, not tired because I slept a total of probably 12 hours through yesterday afternoon and this morning. I know that I should go to bed because I am going to want to be refreshed and alert tomorrow, but it's so difficult to fall asleep when my thoughts are so loud. I'm thinking about putting on a movie or listening to some music and just falling asleep, that way I am not just laying here with these thoughts. I miss my love. I feel bad because I called him last night with a total freak out because I had an anxiety attack and all I wanted to do was go home and be with him and my kids. But I know this is the eating disorder talking. I know that I am physically not ready to be home. But Ana seems to think different. She tells me that I have grown enough in these past 5 days to make it on my own and that I don't need this place anymore. Lies. That's all she does anymore. Is lie. This creation in my head that has been my "best friend" for the last 12 years, she lies to me. How am I to trust her ever again? Who's to say I want to? She has betrayed me. She has caused me to have a heart attack at the small age of 23. None of this would have happened had I not let her rule my life. I'm supposed to work on my autobiography to share with my group within the next couple of weeks. I'm not sure how I want to go about this. I'm not sure how much detail I want to give or how much I need to leave out. I most definitely do not want to say anything in front of the other girls that may trigger them and ruin their recovery. I miss all my friends and I'm so lucky that a lot of them follow this blog so they can get a better insight to how things are going for me. So in that case, I do apologize for not texting back as much as I would like. Things are just constantly going and by the time I have free time, it's too late to get in contact with anyone. I do appreciate all the lovely comments and all the views. It makes my life have a purpose if I know that at least I'm helping one person. Thank you all so much. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Cold and loney

It's cold this morning. No matter how much I try, I can't seem to wrap warmth around me. My room is quiet which is giving me time to think. But now a days, I don't like thinking too much, because then I am consumed by my negative thoughts. I can't stop thinking about what everyone at home is doing and if they miss me or not. I kind of miss my old routine of my mornings. Being able to enjoy a big mug of coffee with my love and smoking and just talking. It's day 4 of not knowing my weight and it does concern me. Yesterday I gave it 100% in all my meals, but by the end of the day, I wasn't feeling too well. I just wish I could know what I weigh. But at the same time, I am trying to break free of letting those numbers control me. Those numbers on the scale should not dictate my mood. They should not make or break my day. I am learning to love myself without having to know how much I weigh each morning. I don't sleep well. I miss my love, but I am also consumed by nightmares every night. Ones in which make absolutely no sense and I am not even sure why I would be having them. I'm extremely nervous about today because it's a Multi-Family Group and my dad says he will be coming. I just hope that it's a positive experience and that we don't grow further apart because of it. Saturdays here are probably going to be my favorite days because we get out of program earlier. That way I can come back to the house, and have time for myself. I am thinking of a nap and watching a movie when I get back. That sounds about wonderful. I know this is a short post, but I may update later concerning my day. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Getting settled in

Day 2 in treatment. My first full day with everything included. Today was a very hard day. I engaged in eating disorder behaivors and I feel guilty and shameful of myself. But I plan on being completely honest with my therapist tomorrow morning when I meet with her. I feel isolated. I feel huge. So many emotions are going on right now and I don't know how to handle it all. My mom took me shopping this evening so I could get some warm clothes because fall is approaching so fast around here. I love the fall weather, but only to a certain point. One of the hardest things I am dealing with is missing everyone. I got to talk to my oldest twice today and got quite emotional for me. He is sick and I wish that I could be there to cuddle with him. Especially right now. I feel so lonely and I know that he would give me all kinds of cuddles. A lot of my past has been brought up recently not only in my blog, but with treatment as well. I hate not being in control of anything here. I mean I do have choices, but limited. It's more of do this or do this. Like this evening for example. I wasn't able to finish all my dinner, I felt full from all of the food from earlier in the day, but because I didn't finish all my dinner, they asked me if I would drink a Boost. They give it as an option, like I don't have to drink it, but I did anyway. What's the point of being in here if I'm not going to try? Same reason why I plan on being completely honest with my therapist tomorrow. I'm not going to get any closer to recovery if I'm lying, right? I know that I am just rambling really, but these last couple of days have been extremely overwhelming and kind of a blur. I'm making new friends. Such sweet girls. A wonderful, positive enviorment that I am in. Well I don't much left to say, but thank you all for the sweet, beautiful, supportive comments. Keep them coming. I love reading them =) Much love.
XOXO Katie

Monday, September 10, 2012

Letting Go: Part 5

I have to admit that I have a habit of rushing into things. Having children, moving in with someone, and even my topic of this part of my series: My marriage.
Everything about him was perfect at first. I would skip school to go hang out with him and we would order pizza and watch movies all day. He was sweet to my oldest son despite him not being his father. Although "M" came into my oldest's life at a young age, he started calling him daddy right out the gate. M and I have technically known each other since 8th grade, but it wasn't until around my 20th birthday when we we started talking more and realized that we lived in the same apartment complex. He was shy when it came to girls. He wasn't experienced in the dating department, but he treated me well. It was only a few months after being together he asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes. I thought to myself, there is nothing wrong with this situation. Throughout our engagement, I believe we saw parts of each other that we didn't anticipate. I saw him drink more, he saw my anger more. I saw his extreme jealousy, and he saw that I wasn't the jealous type. We got married 10 months after being together, in August of 2010. I was already almost 3 months pregnant with our son, and we were doing what we thought was right. We thought getting married and having a child was the right order to do things, despite my past. Once we got married though, paradise kind of ended.
Everyone kept telling us that marriage was going to change us. Change the dynamics of our relationship. We kept secrets from each other though. After our son was born in January of 2011, is when my eating disorder picked back up. He didn't even know. He didn't know that I was purging after every meal. Just like I didn't know that he would drink after work before he came home and hide the bottles in the car, or at his brothers. Plus the alcohol he kept at the house. His drinking became such an issue with me. I knew in the back of my mind that he was just going to get worse. Alcoholism is genetic. The last few months of our relationship were just not right. We rarely talked. I bought all kinds of books to help with us. Books to help improve myself, and books about how to deal with his bipolar. I was begging for attention, and wasn't receiving it. When I got back from Tennessee after my brother was killed, is when I officially decided that we couldn't go on like this. We were both only in the relationship for our son. He was no longer sweet to my oldest because now he had a son of his own. The dynamics of our marriage were that of a miserable old couple. I cried many nights because I promised myself I would fight to the end. But I felt like we were in a loveless marriage. Ending it was hard for the both of us, but I know we are better off like this.
He is a fantastic father to our son. His whole life is to live for our kid. And him and I can be extremely civilized when it comes to things. We get along a lot better now than when we were together. I'm glad that we can benefit from our mistakes and still work together to be wonderful parents to our son. It saddens me that I could never be honest with him about my eating disorder, but honestly, I think it would have built a bigger gap between the two of us. He is supportive of me going to EDC and getting help and beat this thing, despite it being a pain for him to find daycare while he works. But I do appreciate how much he works with me for things.
This is me learning from my mistakes and dealing with how life dealt me a hand that I jumped all over. I am in a healthier and happier relationship now and I'm thankful that I can learn from my past. A part of him will have my heart because he is the father of my son and he does so well with him. Some times things were not meant to happen, and maybe our marriage was that, but our son came out of it and he is a wonderful gift. Like I said, M is a wonderful father. I will never take that away from him. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Letting Go: Part 4

This is the one who sent me to a mental facility when I was barely 12. His name was Joe and he was 19. I had only met him a few days earlier, but he had a car that could get me down to town so I could see all my friends and boyfriend. He was the only way I could get down to the fair that summer. I gave him a call one day to see if he could come get me and take me down to the fair. He said sure and I told him that we had to pick up a friend of mine on the way. He showed up about 20 minutes later. I was just getting ready to call my dad to let him know that I was leaving for the day when Joe shoved his way through my door. Before I got the chance to hit dial, he pushed me into my room and one handed lifted me onto my bed. It all happened so fast. He tossed the phone onto my floor and in a few quick movements, he had me naked. I remember trying to push him off of me but he wasn't taking no for an answer. After he was finished, in a very blunt voice, he said to me, "I'll be waiting in the truck." I didn't know what to do. My boyfriend called me and was begging me to come to town, I was crying, but didn't want to tell my boyfriend what had happened. I got dressed in a whole different outfit, put on an over sized hoodie; despite it being summer, and got in Joe's truck. We didn't speak at all, and when we picked up my friend, I climbed in the back seat with her and told her what had happened. She showed absolutely no remorse. She told me I was lucky because he was a good looking guy!! Really?!?!
Later that evening I was sitting with my boyfriend and a couple of our friends when one of them says, "Joe is telling everyone what you two did this morning." I was completely stunned. He was actually telling people that I had sex with him. Then my boyfriend gave me this look, and in that moment, I had to break down my wall and tell them what the story was. My friend Tiffany told me that I'm not the only girl he has done this to. I was surprised that he is still walking around a free man. Her and her boyfriend talked me into talking to a police officer about it. They tried calling my dad, he didn't pick up, so they tried my grandma, but she didn't answer neither. I had to fill out a police report, and then the cop straight told me that my story didn't sound likely and that a lot of girls have sex and then regret it and then claim rape. Because I changed my panties, I couldn't prove anything. I couldn't believe him. And I couldn't stop crying. The officer was on his way driving me home and I made a comment to myself about killing myself and he turned his car right around and took me to the hospital. I had to sit in the ER and talk to their shrink there. From there, they called my father, who had to take a taxi to the hospital because he had already had too much to drink. My dad showed up, I told him what had happened, the shrink and him talked for a bit and then they tell me they believe going to a facility in Greeley would be in my best interest because I was "at risk" of harming myself.
Joe's name made it in the paper, but nothing happened with him. About a week after I got out and was back in town, he started harassing me. Following me everywhere I went. Even after I started dating RJ, Joe was harassing me. It was a nightmare. And even worse is I found out later that evening that I left for the facility, my friend that had told me I was lucky, had sex with him at a party while I was laying in the hospital. Some friend, huh?
For a couple years to follow, every time I saw a blue Toyota pick up truck, my heart would start to race, but after awhile, I stopped letting it get to me. He has no idea what I look like now, nor my last name. So even if he still lives in the same town as me, I am no longer giving into a fear of him. He took something away from me that wasn't his to take. I just pray that I was his last victim and that no other girls had to suffer because of him.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Letting Go: Part 3

Let's go back to when I was younger. My parents split when I was very young. My mom's two sons moved away to another town with her, and somehow I ended up with my dad. Rumor goes he blackmailed my mom for majority custody of me. I don't know. All I know is that my dad and I ended up moving up in the foothills of Colorado. So my part 3 of my series of letting go has to do with my dad.
This is the man that I grew up with. I went with my mom every other weekend, but my dad raised me. Growing up, he wasn't around a lot. He would leave for work after I went to school, and would stay gone most of the day/night. I found out when I got older that he would go to work and then go to the bar, then drive all the way home. I had too many babysitters to count. I spent a lot of time alone because my babysitters would bail on me a good part of the time. But I wasn't aloud to tell my dad that or else they wouldn't get paid. Most of my childhood before I was 10 with him is kind of a blur. I remember going to the bars with him and sitting by the pool tables watching people drink and have a good time. I remember going to my grandma's a whole lot during the summer. She was sweet but very vindictive. She would always tell me how my mom didn't want me and that's why I ended up with my dad. I knew this wasn't true. I looked forward to the weekends when I went with my mom. My dad was/still is and alcoholic. I remember lots of empty bottles of rum in the cabinets. When I was 10 and we moved to the town I live in now, this is where things got worse. My dad promised me one Christmas that he would quit drinking. And I believed him. At least once a week I would ask him how many days it's been since he's had a drink, and he would tell me some number, and I actually thought he was telling me the truth. Until one night I walked into his room and saw him secretly making a drink with rum and coke he had hidden behind his dresser. I was so let down. And then he told me that he never did quit drinking. When I started puberty, I got fat. Fat in the eyes of him, me, and all the kids at school. My dad would always poke fun at me. I would go to eat something and he told me that I might as well duct tape it to my ass cuz that's where it's going to go anyway. He would say that the furniture was sinking to the ground because I was so big. Logically, there is no way this was true. But that's when it all kind of started. I was being picked on constantly at home, and then at school. I wasn't really that big now that I look back on it. Bigger than some girls, but not the biggest. When I was 11 and he was gone one night, I was watching TV and a documentary came on about eating disorders. That's when it kind of hit me. My dad, kids at school and everyone one else would stop making fun of me if I lost some weight. It started out with Bulimia. I loved food too much to give it up, so instead I would purge it. It was weird being in 6th grade and having an eating disorder. My friends started noticing me losing weight. It was amazing.
Fast forward to when I was 15, after RJ and all the shit he put me through. I was back living at home with my dad and his girlfriend. We didn't get along at all. The summer after I broke up with RJ, I got pregnant, on purpose. I was stupid, I had this guy telling me he loved me and he needed this in his life, blah blah blah. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, my dad and I got in a huge fight and he kicked me out. I went and stayed with my current boyfriend. Until his parents kicked us out for calling the cops on them fighting. So then it was back to my dad's house for about a month, and then back to my boyfriends. I didn't have a stable enough life for this child that I was carrying. In my eighth month of my pregnancy, I decided to place him up for adoption. Then all of a sudden my dad wanted to be involved with my life. Let me come back home. I stayed there for about a month after my son was born and then in a fight between me and him and eventually his girlfriend, I got kicked out once again. I had just gotten out of the hospital that day for blood clots, and I packed my bags and walked about a mile down to a friends house to use her phone and call my boyfriend. I ended up in the hospital again the next day because my bleeding had gotten worse. This is how my teenage years ended up. Back and forth. I hate you. I love you. I'm proud of you. You disappoint me. Nine months after placing my son up for adoption, I got pregnant with my oldest son. New boyfriend, new life, and I was living with my boyfriend and his family. Haven't talked to my dad much for those 8 months or so. When my oldest was a year and and a half, I finally graduated high school. Something that everyone thought I couldn't do. My dad didn't even show up for my graduation. It broke my heart. Especially because he only lived like 10 minutes away from the church that I was graduating at.
At the end of 2009 after getting arrested for 3rd degree assault and domestic violence (because in the wonderful state of CO, they don't consider it self defense anymore. Both parties get arrested.) my dad's and my relationship changed. We started talking a couple times a week. To visiting each other once a week. When I finally thought I had my life settled down, I even asked him to walk me down the isle at my wedding in August of 2010.
With my dad currently, it's like walking on egg shells with him. I never know if I'm going to say the right or wrong thing. I don't know if I upset him or let him down by something that I couldn't do. Lately, I can't tell him no. If he asks something of me, I will drop what I am doing and take care of it for him. Unfortunately it's not the same with him. He still is an alcoholic, but I'm living my own life and his drinking doesn't affect me or my kids in anyway, so more power to him. We do talk everyday and I must admit that I love him a lot more now than I ever did in the past. But I do believe that is where my eating disorder started was with his absence of being a dad, being an alcoholic, and making fat jokes about me all the time. This is me letting go of that. Because he might have triggered this, but I created Ana. And it's up to me to let go of her as well.
Sorry for such a long post. Hope everyone is doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Interruption of letting go

I apologize for not posting yesterday. I was full of emotions and it was my birthday and I ate like a pig. So this is going to be a regular post and I will go back to my series tomorrow. Okay where to start? My birthday was wonderful. The best one I have had in years. My mom showered me with love. We went and got pedicures, and went to lunch at Carinos. I ate way too much and felt sick all day long. She got me a Kitchen Aide Standing Mixer and it's freaking pink. Now I can make all my own breads and stuff. I'm pretty excited about that. T got me a beautiful black hills gold cross necklace, which I found quite fitting for the news that I also received yesterday.
Alright, so here it goes. I got THE phone call yesterday. The one telling me that my insurance approved me for 2 weeks inpatient at EDC of Denver. Then after 2 weeks, they will re-evaluate me and it sounds pretty promising that they will approve me for another 2 weeks given all the medical papers and therapist papers I had to provide. I'm a mixture of emotions. Everyone around me is showing how happy they are for me, and don't get me wrong, this is a huge blessing, but I can't help but be scared. And nervous. Well; and down right terrified. I have lived with Ana for 12 years. She's always been the one I run to when I am having problems. But I can no longer do that if recovery is my decision. It's all just very overwhelming. My admission date is next Wednesday the 12th. I will be able to take my laptop with me so I will be able to do updates. The program I am going to is PHP. So it's 10 hours a day at the center, and then at 6:15pm they transport us to the housing units. I will have roommates. I'm kinda nervous about that because I don't want to be the new girl who keeps to herself. But that's what I'm going to do. I can't imagine any of those girls liking me. I haven't told my oldest yet. I plan on telling him on Sunday, maybe after church. But I don't know how to go about telling him, or what to say, or how he is going to handle it. My biggest issue with me being away from him is the fact that he will be in the care of his father, and his dad is in complete denial that there is anything wrong with our son. I could put all the medical paperwork right there in front of him and he still would deny it. I'm going to miss my kids so much, especially if I do go for the full 4 weeks, or what if they keep me longer? That's so long without seeing them. They're my babies. My world. I have been crying on and off since I got the news yesterday. I can't wait til this is gone and I have my life back and my energy back. So that's it. I'm going inpatient... Yep...
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Letting Go: Part 2

A brief update before I go onto this post. I weighed in at 91lbs this morning. That's fine. Whatever. T and I got into an "argument" last night. I was pretty much just letting him vent about my eating disorder and how it's destroying not only my life, but everyone else's as well. Even though everything he spoke was true, doesn't change the fact that it hurt. But oh well. I brought it on myself by purging twice yesterday. So I started this morning with a non measured bowl of Cherrios with almond milk for breakfast. Maybe I am putting too much faith in EDC and they might not get me in because of insurance, then what? I have to do it on my own anyway. So to continue on to my letting go series, my day 2 is my brother, Jeremy.
Jeremy is my youngest, older brother. He is 7 years older than me. When my parents were still together, he was the one who taught me how to tie my shoes, color the right way, and even put up with me when he got his tonsils taken out. When my parents split and my mom and two of my brothers moved to a new town, it was like I didn't exist to him. He wanted nothing to do with his little annoying sister. Or at least that's how it came off in front of his friends. There was a secret that Jeremy was hiding from the entire world, and I was the only other one to know about it. "It's a normal thing for brothers and sisters. It's how they show they love each other." That is what he said to me every time we interacted. To the outside world, he was the towns best skater, had this annoying little sister that followed him to the skate parks so she could learn, and a decent kid. But to me, he was a nightmare.
I went to my mom's every other weekend. My other brother had moved out with his girlfriend and Jeremy was still living with my mom. It was a small two bedroom basement apartment. It was like clock work with him. As soon as my mom drifted off to sleep and I was in the living room watching TV, he would come out, motion for me to come into his room, and my heart would practically fall out of my chest. I wish that I could say that it only happened once, maybe even twice, but for 2 whole years, Jeremy touched me and made me touch him in ways that were not supposed to happen, despite the lies he told me. I was 6 when it started, 8 when it ended. In the course of those two years, I became so scared of him. I looked forward to the weekends when I was there, and he was staying the night at a friends or girlfriends. Anywhere but at my mom's house. Not to mention in these two years, when I was 7 years old, my dad's brother raped me. I don't have much memory of it, but all I know is that there was a lot of blood. I think he gave me something to not remember it all so well. After my brother stopped molesting me, he wanted nothing to do with my mom nor I. Our weekends were spent alone, enjoying a great time together. If I happen to come across Jeremy, it's like an unspoken conversation. He knows what he did to me, I now know that it wasn't right. If I would have had a choice and would have known better, there is no way I would have let him do those things to me. I haven't seen Jeremy in nearly 2 years. He ran off and married some Russian chick and had a baby with her. He lives the next town over, but I have no interest in finding him. I don't have to have an actual conversation with him to know what he did is wrong.
This is how I am with Ana. I don't have to stop to think about what she's going to say. She already has said it before and will most likely say it afterwards as well. Letting go of what my brother did to me and getting over the fact that I grew up way too quickly will contribute to my recovery because I've held onto that baggage for way too long.
So there's another small insight into my life and why I am the way I am today. I'm going to bake cupcakes later since my birthday is tomorrow. I might even enjoy one. I hope everyone has a fantastic day. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Monday, September 3, 2012

Letting go: Pt. 1

So I have decided to do a weeks worth of posts of the things in the past that have either contributed to my eating disorder or things that I just need to let go of. So these next seven posts will be quite long. So let me start out by saying that I am so thankful for all of my followers and especially the ones who have stuck with me through both blogs. I didn't weigh myself this morning because of the fact that since I stopped the laxies, I feel extremely bloated. Maybe tomorrow. OK, so on to the first part of my letting go series: RJ
I met RJ when I was 12. I was vulnerable because I had just gotten out of a mental hospital for two weeks (after being raped for the second time in my life; but that will come later this week.) I first talked to him on the phone through a friend. He sounded so perfect and told me he would meet me on the first day of 8th grade in front of the school. He was most definitely was not what I expected. He was not good looking, but from the phone conversations, he sounded like he could make me happy. When he showed up, he had a single white rose and told me that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. The first two weeks were great. It was two weeks into our relationship when I got to see the real him for the first time. And that's the only him I knew the rest of our relationship. There was this girl at school who couldn't stand me because of the people I hung out with. So one day after school, she stopped RJ and told him that he better keep an eye on me because I "sat" on another guys lap. When I got to his house after school, he hit me. Back handed me twice and called me a whore. Then 10 minutes apologized and told me it wouldn't happened again because he didn't want to be like his father. I believed him. So foolish of me. It took 3 years of getting my hair pulled out, my nose broken twice, being raped and then forcing me to have an abortion when I was 13, to finally leave him. He took away everything. From the time I was 12 til 15, I was his property. I wasn't aloud to talk to other guys without getting hit for it. He called me fat, and ugly and the only reason why he stayed with me is because he felt bad because I couldn't "get anyone else." He was a supposed gang member who only wore red. Which in return meant I couldn't wear anything blue. He picked out all the clothes I wore and I wasn't even aloud to wear blue jeans. His gang remarks he made to others got me jumped many times by both girls and guys. He "sold" me to his friends for either money or drugs. He secluded me from all of my friends and my family. I practically lived with him because I never was home and all my clothes were at his house. He would chase me around the house with his sister's insulin needles because he knew I was terrified of them. In the course of our relationship, I tried to OD on pills 3 times. I watched him not only destroy my life, but one Christmas beat the crap out his mom. She always used to make remarks about the bruises on my body or the bald spots on my head. And now she knew. About a month before I finally had the guts to leave him, he raped me. I was asleep up until he was actually activly raping me. I screamed for him to get off of me and he told me I was going to lay there til he was finished. Once he finished, he rolled over on the bed like nothing happened. I freaked out, scraped my clothes off the floor and ran into the bathroom bawling my eyes out. I locked the door and frantically looked for something sharp. A paper clip was the only thing I could get. So as I laid on that cold, tile floor, naked, tears blurring my vision, I dug that paperclip into my skin so deep and it became a habit after that. It was a whole month later before I decided to leave. So after 3 long years or putting up with all of that, and having my body used and abused, I was ready. When I told him it was over, this feeling came over me. The feeling of freedom. And even though for months afterwards, he still stalked me, I was no longer his slave. I could hang out with who I wanted, whenever I wanted.
That is the feeling I am looking for at the end of recovery. I want to feel free. And the point of my writings this week to follow, is letting go and moving on of all the terrible things in my past. I do apologize for the post being so long, but I hope it gave you a bit of an insight to a big part of my internal issues. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Holding on

What is holding me back? What is keeping me chained to the ground? I promised myself that I was going to destroy my scale yesterday, with a hammer and all. But when it comes down to it, I just can't do it. Every morning when I wake up, that overwhelming urge to see those numbers takes over. So then I strip down, stare in the mirror with disgust, turn around and step on the scale. No matter what my weight has been since this time last year, I haven't been happy with myself. Either I am too fat, or I look like a skeleton. It's disgusting. I should know something hopefully by Tuesday or Wednesday if my insurance is going to cover the minimum of a 3 week stay. Wednesday is my birthday. I'll be 23. My body has been through so much that I feel much older. I still haven't rescheduled an appointment with my therapist. Or my doctor. Or my dietitian. I feel like maybe everyone was right and I can't do this on my own. Maybe going inpatient is the only way to help me. The numbers did tell me 89 this morning. T wants to take me out to dinner, but since my surgery, I've been really nervous around food. I think the total number of calories I have had since Thursday night would be around 600. I didn't eat anything all day Friday, maybe 300 calories yesterday in chili and yogurt. Today was two burritos from Taco Bell. Around 300. The day of my surgery, T found my laxies and it caused an arguement between us. So I took them and threw them out the window. But I told him today that after a lunch we had today, I so wanted to take some. I guess it's a good thing he was with me. Tomorrow is Labor Day, so my oldest doesn't have school and we are going to do a cookout. I might do a chicken burger or something. I've heard recovery was hard, but I didn't think that it was going to be like this. My surgery went well. No complications. But it takes me a long time to come out from the drugs. I was still pretty drugged up yesterday. My crazy life has gotten put back in full chaos. Whiny kids especially. They might be bugging the crap out of me now, but I know when I go into treatment, I will miss them like crazy. Ok, enough rambling. Much love.
XOXO Katie