Monday, September 29, 2014

Someone tell me I'm not alone

Just a forewarning: This is going to be a bit long and a little disoriented, but I need to know if I'm alone because this is scaring the ever living crap out of me.
Ok, so the first episode was about a year and a half ago. In the height of my ED. I had this dream, but it was too real to be a dream.
In this first dream, I was being possessed. I was lying in bed and I felt this shadow figure above me. I tried to wake up, I was screaming, T was sleeping right next to me. But when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. I tried flailing and screaming; nothing. I was doing everything I could to wake up from this dream (nightmare) but I was paralyzed.
*Side note: most of these dreams happen right before I wake up*
So the next day I told T about this dream, and he told me that it was probably all the possession movies we'd been watching lately. *At the time, I thought I was literally being possessed by Ana*
Moving forward: From that time on up until a few months ago, I've only had a couple more dreams like this. Then a few months ago, they started happening several times a week.
They always consist of me laying in bed, as myself (like in first person). In these dreams I "wake up" and I try to get out of bed. But I can't move. No matter how hard I try. I will be screaming at the top of my lungs (in the dream) and nothing comes out. I try to roll out of bed (in the dream) and I can't move.
The past couple of weeks have been the worst. All the above happens, but it gets a lot scarier. In the dreams, I manage to get out of bed, like I will be standing next to my bed or laying on the floor, and next second, I'm back in the bed without realizing how I got there, paralyzed again. In the dreams, there is always someone standing at my bedroom door, just staring at me. Most of the time I can't make out who it is. But I'm trying to reach for them to help me (but can't move) or I'm trying to yell at them (nothing comes out.) I "wake up" several times in the dream, but I'm never truly awake.
This is probably the scariest thing that has happened to me. Because everything is so real. I can feel the pillow under my head, the sheets under my skin.
When I finally manage to pull myself out of these nightmares, I am panicked and out of breath. I am disoriented and realize that I've only truly been asleep for maybe 10-20 minutes. But in the dream, it seems like time is never ending.
So after this morning's "episode" I decided to Google it. I read numerous things about sleep paralysis, but that's not what this is. I'm not awake when this happens (even though it might feel like it.) I can't seem to find an actual name for it, or ways to treat it.
I'm just so scared to go to sleep anymore. I dread it. And physically, it's taking it's toll on me. After I have these dreams, I'm out of it for the rest of the day, which ironically, makes me want to sleep. I feel like I can't focus on anything else.
Please someone tell me you've heard of this, maybe know what it's called or how to treat it?
I'm thinking about maybe researching into sleep studies, but I'm skeptical about that because I never know when these nightmares are going to happen. I'm sorry this was so long. I just feel so lost.


  1. I've experienced something like this before Katie
    When I first got clean I used to experience night terrors
    Horrible dreams where I felt paralysed and couldn't wake myself up
    They were terrifying
    And I was actually afraid to go to sleep for a long time
    I would shout in my sleep and my mum would come in and wake me up
    I don't know if it's the same thing that you have experienced
    But maybe talk to your doctor or counsellor to get some advice
    If it's effecting your life in this way
    I'm sure you want to get it sorted
    Let us know how you get on x

  2. I can't say that I have been where you are now, but that sounds really and truly scary. I am so sorry you are experiencing this, maybe trying a sleep study might be a good idea. I am thinking of you, wishing you more peaceful dreams. Xx

  3. I think it's your subconscious quite honestly. The recurring theme is that you're trapped and there's something or someone keeping you trapped. Your blog is about wanting a different life, wanting a healthy change, but feeling unable to make that change. You personify your disorder and I get how it feels like it's not you. We all handle our disorder differently. I guess for me it was like I knew it was me but it was such a muted, estranged part of me that did the talking because you disassociate so much to avoid emotions. This is my first year master's analysis by the way so it's not like I'm a professional ha. :) Undeniably it's freaky as f**k. Like the benadryl or the nyquil stuff for sleeping would be coming out of the cupboard. Write about it. Write about your day and the thoughts that go through your head. Write about the things you feel ambivalent about or anxious about. I was dreaming about being naked for days in a row and lately I felt like I was exposed or trying to be someone that I didn't think I was and after looking at dream meanings (hippyish, whatevs) it said that have dreams about being naked can indicate those feelings. Maybe it's your subconscious. I hope it goes away dear.

  4. Hi Katie, I've had this happen and it turned out it sometimes the brain wakes up before the body does (your muscles are still in sleep paralysis) and it just takes a couple of seconds for your body to catch up. It feels terrifying I know. I thought someone was in the room holding me down when it happened. Don't freak yourself out!

  5. Sorry I hit send before I was done. I wanted to add that it may not feel like what is described but sleep paralysis could be different for every person. And maybe you're experiencing it worse because of the pregnancy? I hope you figure it out and are able to get back to sleep!! Love and hugs!

  6. Dreams can really shake me up, more than real life. I think it's because you don't have the control you need.