I'm probably going to start writing on this blog again because honestly, I feel like I can't put what I've been going through on my "recovery" blog...
I've relapsed. There, I said it. I'm engaging in behaviors. Restricting and purging. Purging and restricting. Going to the gym again. I want to be tiny again. Fragile. Light as a feather. Everyone tells me that I have the body that every girl wants, but no, I really don't. My thighs are touching again (ugh), my ass is huge, and my stomach is still so fat.
Looking back to when I started recovery, I was so motivated. I had so much drive to beat my eating disorder once and for all. But over the course of the last couple months, I've lost it. I don't have a desire of gaining anymore weight. Since Feb. I have gained 15lbs. I don't look sick anymore, which is a plus, but people are constantly telling me how "healthy" I look now. And you know how I'm gonna take that. "Hey Katie, you're getting fatter. That's awesome!"
There is one difference now than before. I'm not depressed all the time. I can actually have a good time with my loved ones and my kiddos. I can usually smile through most of the day. But there has been a significant change in my sleeping. Well, I pretty much don't. I get into bed late, wake up a few times in the middle of the night, and wake up early. I go through my days running on about 2 hours of sleep. Which makes me want to crash really hard in the middle of the day. Some days I take a nap with my boys. But even doing that is hard for me.
I'm not taking the laxies like I used to. But I really only eat one meal a day. And most days, I don't even keep that down. Today I went to the gym and decided to have a protein drink afterwards. When I got home, I purged it. I'm constantly smoking to keep the urge of eating down.
Wow, it feels really nice to finally be able to get this all out. I haven't had anyone to talk to. My best friend who has also lived with her ED as long as I have, is doing really well in recovery, so there is no way I would go to her about it. So I've been keeping it all inside. It's been driving me insane. On the plus side of finally writing in here again, I get to hear from all you lovely ladies. I have missed you all so much. I'm sorry I've been so disconnected. I hope you all are well and I can't wait to get reconnected with you guys. Much love.
XOXO Katie
You still want to recover, right? Less so that before, but you still have some motivation left? If so, reach out! Get a therapist. Call a friend. Write on this blog :)
ReplyDeleteYou were doing so well, don't let this setback rewind your successes. Everyone relapses, it's how we deal with it that signifies how far into recovery we are.
I agree with Emily's comment above. You have done so well to get to recovery and to stick through with it. As you've also identified yourself, you've managed to crack a smile!!!! That's awesome!
ReplyDeleteSome days it may seem easier to go back to old ways, but there are alternatives to seeking comfort when you feel "stuck". Buy yourself a bunch of flowers tomorrow - reward yourself for having being in the process of recovery. Going back and forth, I believe, is all part of it. Get yourself a "pick me up" whatever that may be (flowers, candles, a bath) and just comfort yourself.
Don't give up. Just keep pushing forward. You fought for recovery and you have a bunch of supporters behind you as part of that. :) C'mon - together, we can all do it!!!
hi Katie! I'm glad you have this place to vent and let go of those feelings that people outside of the disorder definitely will not understand, bu I reeeeeeeeally hope that your relapse isn't permanent! Please please take care of yourself, don't let it get to the point it was at before you went for treatment, OK? Love and xo's!
ReplyDelete