I am not worthy of food. I don't deserve to eat. I am fat swine. I am up 2lbs. Back to an ugly, disgusting, embarrassing 93lbs. I feel the fat just building up around my bones. I am taking up so much space. Just sitting here on my computer chair, I feel like I'm piling over the sides.
I need to be empty. I need to not eat. I'll never get into treatment being the fat ass that I am right now. They will take one look at me and laugh. I'm not sure how I gained those 2lbs back. Yesterdays intake was low, plus purging and laxatives. I just don't understand. I must not be disciplining myself enough. I'm letting myself get away with shit that is causing me to be fat. That changes today. I had my bowl of cereal, took 6 of my laxies, and that's it for the day. No more food and more laxies. That's the only way I'm going to be skinny.
I meet with a new psychiatrist today. It was a necessity in order for me to qualify for treatment. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's just another person I have to pour my heart out to in hopes that she might be able to help me. In case they haven't realized, I'm broken. I'm not fixable.
My mom said to me yesterday after finding out why I was in the hospital Saturday night, "I thought you were happy. Why are you trying to kill yourself?" I then tried explaining to her that I'm depressed and my eating disorder is the only aspect in my life which I have any control over. It's my only way to cope with how I feel. I don't know if she will ever understand. But that's ok. She doesn't have to. No one does. This is my illness and I've got to figure out a way to deal with it.
According to my therapist, she wrote down a goal for me to eat an apple a day since last Friday to this coming Friday when I see her. I haven't ate one. She also wanted me to keep at least one dinner down this week. I haven't done that either. She's going to be very disappointed in me. My uncle also wanted me to stop taking my laxies. That hasn't happened. I'm just letting everyone down around me. But as I told T this morning, this is such a heavy boulder to carry around all by myself. I can't put it down because I rely on it, but I can't carry it myself because it's going to crush me. So instead I'm stuck. Just holding it on my shoulders. I hope you're all doing well.
XOXO Katie
Hugs to you, Katie, if only I could give you a real one... I just said a prayer for you. Hang in there, dear... ♡
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me so sad. But I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Love you. Xxx
ReplyDeleteYou aren't broken. You aren't unfixable.
ReplyDeleteWhat i'm doing right now is repeating those two sentences in my head over and over again and wishing I was telepathic so that you could receive them.
I'm sorry everything's so hard right now. You aren't letting people down, you're struggling, and they're just trying to support you. Thinking of you dear. Sending lots of love and hugs xx
ReplyDeleteYou know, you're letting yourself carry it all. You've gotta give some of it up, little piece by little piece. You're hurting your body and your mind. You can't fill it with the lies that you are letting people down or that you're fat or that you're broken and unfixable. Non of that is true. None. The power is in your hands dear. People don't understand this disorder and sometimes you have to help them to understand so that you can lean on them to get better. Just think about it for me.
ReplyDeleteLots of love.
No one is unfixable, you just haven't met the one yet who can help you do that and has the tools you need. Eve is right, you can't think that this is only your burden, it is true that this is one of these fights where you have to do the fighting for yourself, but even though even is you are that roman solider who puts the harness on, there's people who help that solider to dress that, to step on the horse, give the sword to fight with and so on. People can't survive alone, the fulfillment and learning happens through others. You're not letting people down, you're just having hard time because you don't know how to lean on them, what can they do for you and how to trust them, so you're trying to push them away by screaming through your actions those lies about being hopeless.
ReplyDeleteThink it hun, harsh love here today. But even if it is your fight you can't win it alone.
<3
Hugs, Katie! This post worries me.
ReplyDelete