Friday, January 31, 2014

Still the same

There is nothing more I hate then being stuck,
99lbs every single day.
I pray for a smaller number.

I didn't go to the doctors yesterday,
Instead I went to be with my mom,
She had to put her dog down.

That was one of the hardest things,
I've ever had to do.
He was wrapped in my arms when he took his last breath.

The worst part was watching my mom break down,
I wish that I could take her pain away.
I wish that our pets could live forever.

My nausea is still out of control,
I slept all day because of it.
It's hindering my ability to do anything.
I'm tired of being sick all the time.

I skipped seeing my therapist today,
Instead I wanted to spend time with T.
We slept away the afternoon.

Tonight we are going to the bar with friends,
That means calories, calories, calories.
That means I will NOT weigh myself in the morning.
If I do, it will just depress me.

I just want to see a lower number,
I want to know that I am skinny.
To know I am skinny,
Means I'm worth something.

I want to be perfect,
Skinny and perfect.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, January 28, 2014


Eating has been so stressful for me.
I'm still at 99lbs.
Just one more pound and I'll be good.

98 is ideal.
Not the best,
But good enough for now.

T said to me yesterday;
"If you have a problem keeping dinner down,
Just skip dinner and eat more through the day."

I love that he is so understanding.
But I failed at that yesterday.
I ate shepherds pie last night,
Of course it didn't stay down.

I have noticed that when I was 2lbs heavier,
I had more energy.
I felt better.
It's crazy how those 2lbs make a difference.

There is something that has been weighing on my mind,
T and I have been trying for a baby,
And I have yet to get pregnant.
I think I've permanently damaged my body.

I've never had a problem getting pregnant,
But after 2 months of trying,
I still am not.

I go to the doctor on Thursday,
I'm going to talk to her about my meds,
My constant nausea,
And the possibility of being infertile.

T asked me last night if wanting to get pregnant,
Was enough motivation to get healthy.
I told him obviously not.

I can't even pull myself away from the toilet after a meal,
I have to get rid of the food.
I have to take those laxies.
I'm too dependent on my ed.

It's so hard to imagine my life ed free,
I don't even know if that's possible.
I read all these stories on recovery,
And how it's possible for everyone.

I feel like I'm a lost cause.
I feel like I am meant to live with this forever.
That I will never be good enough.
I'm sure you can relate.

I hope this post finds you all well.
That whether you're trying to lose or gain,
That you're succeeding.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Sad realizations

The scale has been kind that past two days.
99lbs it reads.
Despite feeling like I'm eating like a cow.

I absolutely hate my period.
I feel bloated constantly.
And I want to eat all kinds of unhealthy shit.

I've had a lot of shit on my mind this week.
One of my best friends have been in the hospital all week.
It's a long story.

He had surgery on Thursday.
They fixed the problem,
But his vitals are not staying stable,
And he is still in an intense amount of pain.

Having a conversation with T this morning,
About where all my friends have gone.
I realized that I only have two friends that stick by me,
Even when life gets shitty.

The rest of them have been fair weather friends.
It's a sad realization to come to.
The fact that I try my hardest to keep my friends,
But reality is that they don't have time for me.

I had a good session with my therapist yesterday.
I think I am finally starting to feel comfortable with her.
But we talked about how I have unrealistic goals for myself.

For example;
I want to be "thin"
I want to be perfect.
I want everyone to like me.

I am never going to be "thin enough"
I am never going to be perfect, because no one is perfect.
There is always going to be someone who doesn't like me.

This is something that I don't understand.
Why are there people, a lot as a matter of fact,
That don't like me?

I try so hard to please people,
I put everyone in front of myself,
Even those fair weather friends.

My therapist wants me to get this book,
It's called "Codependent no more."
It talks about people like me.
I am too codependent on other people to tell me who I am.

I look to other people for their approval.
I look to other people to tell me I'm good enough.
I look to other people to tell me I'm a good mom.

I don't know my own opinion of myself.
I know Ana's opinion of me.
But that's about it.

Onto other news;
Tomorrow is my youngest son's birthday.
He is going to be three.
That means food and cake; ugh.

My laxative usage has been up.
My purging has been up.
I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday;
And that makes me disappointed in myself.

I will get my weight under control.
I will gain control back and be as perfect as I can be.
Ana will be pleased and stop yelling at me.

I started a kind of detox,
Only water and tea.
And my one cup of coffee in the morning.
I do feel a bit healthier.

But the nausea has come back.
I've been throwing up randomly.
Between that, my period, and this damn cold that won't go away,
I am having a grumpy week.

I hope you all are doing well.
Thank you for the "real" comments on my posts and keeping me in check.
I know that my disordered mind gets the best of me.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Weight loss suggestions

Those God-awful numbers read 101 this morning.
I was so sure they were going to read below 100.
It seems that I am forever going to be stuck in fatland.

The purging continues.
The laxatives continue.
But still, those numbers read triple digits.

Ana is having fun with it all.
Dancing circles around me chanting;
"You are fat. You are fat. You are fat."

For the most part, I watch what I eat.
I stay away from burgers, I stay away from French fries.
I monitor my portions.

I feel the fat piling over my clothes.
My stomach protrudes like I'm 3 months pregnant.
I hate what I see in the mirror.

I need a healthy diet.
Something that will make my body feel healthier.
Something that won't cause me to lose too much weight.
Just the right amount.

Suggestions are always welcome.
I'm doing research on different diets now.
Please tell me of the diets you have tried in the past,
Or are currently trying.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Admitting mistakes

Admitting your mistakes is always hard.
Knowing it in your head is one thing, but when those words escape your mouth; it's...
Yes, that's the word; vulnerable.
I have been a terrible person over the last almost 2 years.
Ever since Ana came into my everyday life.
When it became very apparent to those around me that there was a serious problem.
When over the course of a month, I dropped weight like a dog sheds it's fur.

Today, T's son asked who Ana was.
That was interesting. T explained her as Anorexia.
How at that moment they were dealing with Katie.
But around meal time, and the couple hours following, we deal with Ana.
Although I am physically there around those times, the thoughts are all Ana's.
Today I had to admit my mistakes.
I had to put myself in a vulnerable position and admit that when T and I lost our magic was around June 2012.
That's when I ceased being Katie and started letting Ana define who I was; what I looked like.

I let that magic go. I didn't fight for it. I was too wrapped up with calories and weight to realize it was diminishing.
It saddens my heart that it's been a year and a half and I'm just finally grasping on to reality.
Ana not only took that relationship away, but all of my relationships.
Writing this; I can feel a sense of relief that I am finally getting it all out.

Ana will always be there.
She's the biggest scar on my body.
I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing what she has done to me.
It's hard to see my life without her in my head, my heart.
She is a part of who I am, a sense of discipline.
Maybe the only part of discipline that I have left.

I want to get back what I have lost because of her though.
I want my relationships back.
I want my freedom back.
This doesn't mean I'm willing to give her up.
But maybe she can sit in the back seat and no longer be my dark passenger.
If she's not right next to me, then maybe I can regain some control.

Maybe the fact that I go from 100 to 101lbs won't freak me out.
I won't fall to the floor and cry.
I can accept that my body is beautiful regardless of the numbers on the scale.
I can accept that those around me love me and they don't care about the inches around my thighs.
Because in reality, that's how it is.

The fact that my thighs touch or not only matters to Ana.
The fact that my collar bone sticks out only matters to Ana.
The numbers on the scale only matters to Ana.
All of these things are irrelevant to those that love me.

So to wrap this post up, admitting my mistakes out loud made me vulnerable.
But made it so I can acknowledge how I have hurt those around me.
It made me realize that I now can change myself to help myself grow.
No longer hide behind my little girl complex.
That I can rule my life.
No one has that control but me.

Welcome my new followers. Thank you for my continue followers who have reached out to me.
Because of all of you, I feel the inspiration to continue writing.
But to also read as well.
I love following all of your stories and getting to know each of you.
I love getting the personal emails from you.
I love the encouraging words.
I love the laughs and tears we share.
Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Being sick sucks

First and foremost, I want to say welcome and thank you to my new followers. I am so excited that people actually want to read what I have to write. I have had this blog for a year and a half now and I have met some of the most amazing people on here over this time. And I've had a chance to expand my writing abilities and find who I am through writing.
So back onto what's going on in the life of Katie. T and I are no longer living together. I decided that I needed time to grow and find out who I am outside of a relationship. It was really tough the first few days being away from him, but I am getting the opportunity to grow. I'm finding out who I am as a mother, a friend, a girlfriend. But I also want to find out who I am besides those things.
My ed has been a bit rough on me for the past couple of weeks or so. I've barely been keeping anything down and still taking my laxies. Despite the purging, I have only lost 1lb. I didn't weigh myself this morning because I was in the hospital last night due to the nausea that hit me really hard yesterday. But as of yesterday, I was at 100lbs exact. Just a few more pounds and I will be content.
I wish I didn't have this overwhelming fear of the triple digits. It really doesn't make sense. I'm 5'3" and in reality, I'm supposed to be 115-120lbs. I honestly don't think I could allow myself that high without relapsing full speed.
Work is going decent at the moment. I mean there is nothing glamorous about working at a strip club, but the nights that I do work, I make decent money. I was supposed to work last night, but about a half hour after I got there, I changed and went home. Every time I was on stage I felt like I was going to puke. I have been constantly nauseous since yesterday morning. The doctor told me that I have a viral infection which could possibly be cause by my laxative abuse. Those damn things have done so much damage to my body.
So anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Dragging on

I'm sitting here watching the time pass by ever so slowly. It's only a little past 11am and I am already tired. It feels like the morning is dragging on. I went to the gym this morning and then went to the tanning salon and got a spray tan. But then stupid me jumped in the shower afterwards and most of it washed off lol. So I just used my favorite tanning lotion instead.
I am going to go to lunch with my "uncle" at Panera today. One of my favorite places. I'm pretty nervous because he watches me like a hawk when we go out to eat just to make sure I don't use the bathroom afterwards. I understand, he just cares.
Then I gotta come home and get ready for work. I am taking one of my friends to work with me and she works the later shift, so I am going to have to wait around 2 hours after I get off until I can go.  I am ok with that, but I just hope it doesn't become normal.
My weight stayed the same this morning. Which I am pretty proud of myself because I ate a greasy cheeseburger from Wendy's last night. I was so sure that I was going to put on some weight after that.
Sorry for the short update, maybe I'll get a chance to update later before I go to work. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2013 into 2014

Well this girl slept through midnight. I know, lame. But I am kinda excited to wake up to a new year. I've got some New Years resolutions. I've got some hopes for the new year. Of course some of these hopes have to do with my body. 
Let's start with my weight this morning. I'm happy to announce that my weight dropped below 100 this morning. Not by much but with me fetting up to 101lbs yesterday, I woke up to a beautiful 99.8lbs this morning. This can only mean good things for the new year. So with that being said, my new years resolution pertaining to my weight is to satay between 96 and 98lbs. I'm starting a daily journal to keep track of my weight. I'm excited to take control of my body. Hopefully the gym is open today so I can start the year off right. 
Another resolution of mine is to go back to school. A part to me is wanting to go back and finish my cosmetology license but another part of me wants to get my culinary arts degree. I already love to cook so why not make money out of it. 
In other news, I went and got my job back at the club. T and I talked about it and right now with my money situation, it was the best decision to make. I'm excited to go back but I did work on Monday night and I did forget how bad it hurt my body lol. 
Now I want to talk about 2013. I want to say that it was a great year for meeting new people. Not only did I make some wonderful friends in real life but the people I've met on blogger has changed my life. All of you wonderful ladies that I've followed and that have been following me have been nothing but an inspiration to me. All of your lovely comments and encouraging words have meant so much to me. It makes me want to cry because I never thought I'd meet such wonderful ladies and so many people that can relate to what I'm going through. I want to say a special thank you to Bella, Eve, and J. The private emails and the friendships that you have given me means so much to me. 
2013 gave me an outlook on my eating disorder and made me think about the extremely thin line between having control over my ed and it having the control over me. I've let it give me a heart attack this year, it sent my body into a catitonic shock, and I ended up back into treatment. So this year I plan on taking control over my ed and it not letting it send me plummeting backwards. 
I hope all of you had a safe and lovely New Years. Lots of love. 
XOXO Katie