Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Once upon a time...

There was this little 3-year-old girl. She was so pretty. Blonde hair, blue eyes. She lived on a farm with her mom, dad, and two of her older brothers. She didn't have a worry in the world. She spent her days playing with the kitties, catching snakes, and helping her daddy irrigate the corn. She had her whole life ahead of her. She was going to be a vet when she grew up. Take care of farm animals. She was going to do it all. And nothing was going to stop her.
That following year, her parents decided to get a divorce. She was going to stay with daddy and her brothers were moving away with mommy. She was still a bit young to understand everything just yet. But she would. When she was 5, her dad and her packed all their stuff up and moved to a tiny apartment a couple hours away. No more kitties, or taking care of the corn. Every other weekend she went and spent time with her mom. She loved going over there. Her mom showered her with love, something she had recently lost from daddy. See, daddy was too busy working, going to the bars and not spending time at home. Most days when she came home from school, she would have to climb through the tiny bathroom window to get inside.
Shortly after her 6th birthday, there was a night that changed how her life would end up. Her brother took her to his room and touched and did things to her that she felt weren't right. But he reassured her that it was normal for brothers and sisters to do. This continued for 2 years. She was his little experimentation. His doll to use at his convenience. During this time, she was also raped by her dad's biological brother. Exposed to all this sexual experiences at such a young age would prove to be detrimental to her future.
Fast forward to age 11. New school again. New friends. New crushes. This is the point in her life where her life would be introduced to Ana. Watching television one day, she came across a documentary about eating disorders. Already being pre-disposed to so much in her young life, and starting puberty at 10, she knew what it was like to feel unworthy and fat. Losing weight would make her feel wanted, right? Little did she know that Ana would be around for such a long time. That Ana would be there to hold her hand at her lowest, and her highest moments.
Summer before 8th grade, she went to her first party to impress this guy that she was seeing. While there, she was raped again by a 19-year-old guy. This would lead to her going to a mental hospital and put on suicide watch. The sick thing is, she liked it there better than at home with her dad. A few months later as she is entering the 8th grade, she meets a boy. A boy full of promises. He promised her protection from evil. Of love. Of compassion. Lies, that's all they were.
For the next 3 years of her life, she was used, abused, humiliated and treated like the piece of shit she already knew she was. She was sold for drugs. She was used by his friends in any sick fantasy that they had. Broken nose, ribs, bruises constantly. And still through that all, Ana was holding her hand. But not in the way that she wanted. Instead, Ana was dragging her right down in the mud too. Just re-affirming the fact that she was nothing until she was somebody worth noticing. At the end of the 3 years is when the cutting began. It was self inflicted, so she had the control whether it hurt or not.
After getting hit and raped for the last time, she broke free from that relationship. She promised herself she was going to do better next time and she wasn't going to settle for less. She was going to finish high school, go to college and become a writer. But only a few short months later, she was back in another destructive relationship. This guy convinced her to bear his child so he would have a reason to stay out of jail. She was so fragile still but agreed. She was only 15 when she got pregnant with his child. Needless to say, he left her to deal with the situation. She dealt with it the best she knew how and placed that baby up for adoption. It broke her soul to love a child inside of her for 9 months and that child no longer belong to her. Instead he left the hospital with a brand new family.
Now let's take you to age 24. She has two beautiful sons that she loves with all her heart. A family that loves her. She is constantly surrounded by people but still feels all alone. She cries every night after everyone has gone to sleep. She still longs for that blade against her skin. And yes, Ana is still there. Ever so quietly taunting her from the sidelines. Constantly reminding her that she is still worthless, still fat, and not strong enough to defeat her. All of these reminders are right.
She feels like on the sunniest of days, there is still the black cloud that follows her around. She is the only one in the rain storm. While people go about their days, she is still stuck. People tell her she is choosing to play the victim, but that's all she knows how to be. She doesn't know how to stand tall on her own. She is the turtle that slightly pokes it's head out of it's shell just to be scared back inside instantly.
She doesn't know what to do with her life. It seems like every time she tries to venture away from her bottomless pit, she is being sucked right back in again. The weight falls off of her but she doesn't see it. She still sees, "NOT GOOD ENOUGH." Something is going to kill her soon, it's just a matter of time. She tries to find something to hold her above water, but depression and anxiety are tugging at her ankle bringing her to the ocean floor.
She is just playing the waiting game of life.

3 comments:

  1. You know, it's about the end of the story, the beautiful one where you can look back and say, "I made it" that's what makes it worth it. I grew up being abused and then anorexic, parents divorced two years ago. It's a hard road and it really shakes you to your foundation when it comes to self worth and confidence. It predisposes you to shitty relationships that hurt your and sink you lower and all the while you find an excuse for why it's okay. I'm making it out and you are surrounded by love now. Let it heal you. After a while, that ED voice gets quieter and quieter. That's scary at first, but as you become freer every day, you don't want to look back.
    Tons and tons of love. I know what it feels like when your heart and mind are in those places.
    Huge hug!

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  2. You may still be afraid and hurting and in pain and sad, but you have so much more to live for now. Your beautiful boys, your beautiful lover, your beautiful self. You are free now. You just need to remember how to love yourself like that 3 year old girl knew how to.
    Stay strong, love.
    Lena xx

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  3. Your story is heartbreaking. I'm glad you have a better future ahead of you, but I'm wondering if it would be beneficial to revisit the past and find some closure to all this. Have you ever yelled at your dad? Your brother?
    I know I'd want to.

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