I feel happy
I feel guilty
I feel angry
I feel fat
I feel discouraged
I feel anxious
I feel lonely
I only woke up an hour ago, and I've already experienced all of these emotions
I don't feel justified writing in this blog anymore because my eating isn't disordered
The last few days I've been wanting to blog, but every time I try, nothing comes to mind
Which makes no sense
My mind is always constantly racing
I'm averaging about 5 hours of sleep a night
Because it takes me almost 2 hours to get my brain to shut down
But then my dreams are swamped with these unsettling images
Right now, my best friend and my other really good friend are struggling
They're struggling with anxiety and eating disorders
And despite my tireless efforts to help,
I feel like I'm not making any sort of progress.
Which in turns makes me feel like a shitty friend
Why can I not find the right words that will stick?
Why would they listen to me, when I wouldn't listen to anyone when I was sick?
My recovery journey started 2 years ago in May
And although I still struggle, most days are easier to get through then they used to be.
The thoughts are there. Telling me that I ate too much, or that it'll be ok to skip a meal.
But they're Ana's thoughts, not mine.
And I'm pretty good at getting her to shut up. Most of the time.
There are days where she sneaks in like a snake trying to catch the mouse.
One minute I'm fine, and the next, I'm standing in the mirror,
Picking apart my flaws one by one.
I still have days where I'll change my clothes 5 times
Just to find something that won't make me look like an elephant.
No, right now, it's more anxiety and feeling defeated.
I feel like the world is shitting all over us and all the plans we had
And it all started last year when we were rushed to get married.
Of course we were gonna get married,
But on our own damn timeline.
Then my father tells me that he wants us to get married before he moves to Florida
WHICH NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!
He insisted that he wanted to walk me down the isle,
So we had to get married before he left.
You know how many times I've talked to him since our wedding last September?
Maybe a handful...maybe.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anything to do with me,
No surprise there, when has he ever?
I'm pretty sure I'm an after thought for many people in my life,
Which is cool, I've got this shit.
Today marks 118 days with this damn migraine
Which I went to the doctor for a couple months ago.
My doctor left the practice, so this last time I met with a new one.
She focused on mostly my eating disorder
And told me that my migraine was from stress.
She insisted on me going back and seeing a therapist
And also recommended me to see the dietitian.
I did neither because I don't believe they'll help my migraines.
But everyday for the past 118, I've had this fucking thing!
My life isn't all gloom and doom though.
At least I've got my little family,
Well kinda. I'm trying so hard to hold it together,
But all of the tension in the house is getting to me.
My eldest, H, moved in with his dad for the school year,
And even though it's been hard for me, I knew it was best for him.
My 5-year-old has his good moments,
But the majority of the time, he is a big ball of anger and frustration.
My stepson moved back in with us in May
Because his mom couldn't deal with his shit.
At first it was going well,
Until our weed and money started coming up missing all the time.
It was at that point that we stopped trusting him completely
And started locking all of our shit up.
We can't even keep any good food in the cabinets
Because he sneaks food after we go to bed.
The silver lining in all of this is Syrsha.
But she definitely doesn't make it easy.
She's so independent, and smart,
So she keeps me on my toes constantly.
She can say her name already, and is counting to 3.
Her problem solving skills blow my mind.
She's got a healthy appetite and loves vegetables.
So, to conclude this post,
I've got a lot of feelings going on,
But I put a smile on everyday so as not to hurt the ones around me.
Maybe one day, I'll be able to make myself a priority
The boys first day of school
My best friend and I before her wedding