Monday, September 29, 2014

Someone tell me I'm not alone

Just a forewarning: This is going to be a bit long and a little disoriented, but I need to know if I'm alone because this is scaring the ever living crap out of me.
Ok, so the first episode was about a year and a half ago. In the height of my ED. I had this dream, but it was too real to be a dream.
In this first dream, I was being possessed. I was lying in bed and I felt this shadow figure above me. I tried to wake up, I was screaming, T was sleeping right next to me. But when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. I tried flailing and screaming; nothing. I was doing everything I could to wake up from this dream (nightmare) but I was paralyzed.
*Side note: most of these dreams happen right before I wake up*
So the next day I told T about this dream, and he told me that it was probably all the possession movies we'd been watching lately. *At the time, I thought I was literally being possessed by Ana*
Moving forward: From that time on up until a few months ago, I've only had a couple more dreams like this. Then a few months ago, they started happening several times a week.
They always consist of me laying in bed, as myself (like in first person). In these dreams I "wake up" and I try to get out of bed. But I can't move. No matter how hard I try. I will be screaming at the top of my lungs (in the dream) and nothing comes out. I try to roll out of bed (in the dream) and I can't move.
The past couple of weeks have been the worst. All the above happens, but it gets a lot scarier. In the dreams, I manage to get out of bed, like I will be standing next to my bed or laying on the floor, and next second, I'm back in the bed without realizing how I got there, paralyzed again. In the dreams, there is always someone standing at my bedroom door, just staring at me. Most of the time I can't make out who it is. But I'm trying to reach for them to help me (but can't move) or I'm trying to yell at them (nothing comes out.) I "wake up" several times in the dream, but I'm never truly awake.
This is probably the scariest thing that has happened to me. Because everything is so real. I can feel the pillow under my head, the sheets under my skin.
When I finally manage to pull myself out of these nightmares, I am panicked and out of breath. I am disoriented and realize that I've only truly been asleep for maybe 10-20 minutes. But in the dream, it seems like time is never ending.
So after this morning's "episode" I decided to Google it. I read numerous things about sleep paralysis, but that's not what this is. I'm not awake when this happens (even though it might feel like it.) I can't seem to find an actual name for it, or ways to treat it.
I'm just so scared to go to sleep anymore. I dread it. And physically, it's taking it's toll on me. After I have these dreams, I'm out of it for the rest of the day, which ironically, makes me want to sleep. I feel like I can't focus on anything else.
Please someone tell me you've heard of this, maybe know what it's called or how to treat it?
I'm thinking about maybe researching into sleep studies, but I'm skeptical about that because I never know when these nightmares are going to happen. I'm sorry this was so long. I just feel so lost.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Really getting lonely

So yesterday I did something that I didn't think I was going to have the strength to do.
Let me start with a little back story.
My best friend, E, and I have been best friends since 8th grade (almost 14 years.) She has stuck by my side through everything, and I mean, everything. We did everything together.
Well back in May, I noticed that she was becoming a little distant. We went like a week and a half without talking. Only to find out that she had started dating this guy and was afraid I wasn't going to like him. I told her that was nonsense and to bring him over so T and I could meet him.
They came over, we hung out, had dinner and had a pretty good time. That was May 15th. That was the last time I heard from her....
I have texted her numerous times. Called her and left voicemails. Sent her messages on Facebook. And even so much as went to her work. She has ignored it all.
So finally yesterday, I deleted her on Facebook. I know that doesn't sound like such a big deal, but honestly, it was the only link I had left to her and her life. But it was killing me to see all of her updates, photos, videos; all the while knowing that she was choosing to ignore me.
After awhile of not getting responses from her, T thought that maybe her new boyfriend had something to do with it. Like he was possibly isolating her from everyone. But from what I can tell by her Facebook, I don't even think they are dating anymore. I think that was short-lived. And she still seems in pretty constant contact with everyone else in her life, including her other best friend.
I'm not sure why this bothers me so much. I mean, I've lost so many friends over the past few years. Some that I thought would always be there. But with E, it seems so unreal. And frustrating honestly. I even begged her for an explanation as to why she felt the need to ignore me, and got nothing. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and I didn't get a "happy birthday" from her. My baby shower was last weekend, and she didn't show any interest in coming.
I feel so lonely, especially during the day. T is at work, the boys are at school, and I have no one to talk to. Not that I can do much "talking" with the boys.
I just feel very overwhelmed lately and feel like I'm slipping into depression. I feel like this huge weight is sitting on my chest and I can't get it off. Today for some reason is especially worse. I have this nasty cold that started on Monday and it's just gotten worse. I can barely breathe because of it. My morning sickness returned last night. Dinner and desert didn't stay down. And my glucose test is in less than an hour. And I HATE my blood being drawn. I just want to sleep all day, but I can't do that because I can't get comfortable enough to stay in one spot for too long.
I'm sorry this is so long and a total bitch-fest.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Reflection and forgiveness

So, I spent the last hour reading through my past posts. First off, WOW!
There is so much I want to say, but not sure how I'm going to say it, so please bare with me while I try to get it all out.
Let's start with reflection. There is so much that I have put out there on my blog. Posts about depression, being vulnerable. Posts about wanting to lose even more weight, even when I was entering treatment last year. Posts filled with excuses on why I should keep Ana around. Posts about how I was going to recover and get rid of Ana once and for all.
The amount of support I have received from you ladies on all these different posts have been astounding. The good, the bad, and the ugly; you have stuck by my side. Thank you for that.
I'm feeling so many different emotions right now. Regret probably being the biggest one. I feel regret for so many things. Especially when it comes to my ED and how it's affected everyone in my life.
One of the posts I read was my new years resolutions for this year. How I wanted to stay between 96 and 98lbs, but then I say in that same post that I want to have control over my ED. A little redundant when I look back on it now.
I have made myself pretty vulnerable with this blog. It's given me an opportunity to be honest with myself. I like being able to read back and realize how sick I was. Not for inspiration to get there again, but inspiration to do better, by my kids, T, and most importantly, myself.
I am not proud of the person that I became because of Ana. I am not proud of the decisions I have made over the past few years. I am disappointed in the shit I have put T through.
Which leads me to forgiveness. I did a post back in January about forgiveness. About how I wanted to forgive certain people, even if they didn't deserve it. But what about ourselves?
Those of us with addictions, ED's, anxiety and depression; we are so hard on ourselves. I think one of the first steps in recovery from anything, is learning to forgive ourselves. To be gentle with ourselves. Because we didn't chose to live like this. We didn't wake up one morning and say, "hey, let's fuck up our lives as much as humanly possible."
Living with an addiction, no matter which one is our poison, is hard on everyone around us, but especially ourselves. Not only physically, but mentally especially. I know with my ED, I beat myself up for everything.
We need to learn to forgive ourselves. We need to accept that addiction is ugly. That we fuck up, and that is okay, because we are only human. I believe if we can learn to forgive ourselves, then maybe we finally start recovering from our addictions?
No one is perfect, so why must we hold ourselves to that standard? Why must we be so hard on ourselves when the rest of the world does that for us? If we are not standing up for ourselves, then how do we expect anyone else to?
I'm sorry for all the randomness, but I feel like I needed to get some shit off my chest. I still don't feel like I got it all out, but it's a start.
So I'll leave you with this; be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself because that's where it'll start.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Friday, September 19, 2014

I'm so sorry

I have been a terrible blogger for the past few weeks. I haven't done much reading nor updates, and I feel lousy for that.
I do want to say congrats to Ruby for hitting her 500th post! That's such an accomplishment, and I am so glad that I've been here to read your journey the whole time. (And you don't have to get rid of your clothes until you feel ready)
And to J, I love you darling and I don't want you to feel so alone. I am always here for you and I wish we could get together more. I truly do miss you.
Kate, I love seeing your baby belly. It makes me happy to know that you will soon be meeting your little princess.
Bella, I'm glad that you are starting to feel a bit better after having a cough that you felt was trying to kill you. Your sketches aren't crappy and I'm excited to see your final projects.
As for me, things are coming along. I've still been contracting like crazy and have been in the hospital a few times since I last updated. I had this test done last week, and it came back positive. Which gave us a 60% chance of delivering within two weeks. So they gave me steroids to help her lungs develop faster incase she does come early.
I am 27weeks tomorrow which is awesome. My weight still hasn't done much since the last time I updated. Still at only a total of 5lbs this pregnancy. So my doctor seemed pretty concerned with how little weight I've gained so she scheduled a measurement ultrasound to get the baby's growth. That was on Wednesday. She is doing great. Out of the 5lbs I've gained this pregnancy, 2lbs 3oz is all her. This was great news.
My OB thinks that she is literally stealing all my nutrients and that is why my gain is minimal. She also said that this is probably why I've been extra tired as of lately.
We went ahead and had our maternity photos done because we aren't sure when baby Syrsha will be arriving and we wanted to make sure we got them done. So, I will leave you with a couple of those. And I promise that I will do better at blogging.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie