Sunday, October 20, 2013

Feeling all alone

I apologize for being a terrible blogger. Things have been so busy around here. Mostly appointments for my oldest son. I got him in with a new therapist and she seems really nice. What I like about this new place is it's a parent/child play therapy. So I play and talk with him while they watch on a camera and use a little ear piece in my ear to help me direct his play. I think it's going to be good for the both of us.
I'm on the search for a new job. Preferably a waitressing job. That's one thing I enjoyed about working at the club was having a little bit of money in my pocket everyday. I miss working at the club, but I had to quit. It was doing terrible things with mine and T's relationship. It wasn't worth jeopardizing our relationship for. Plus I didn't realize that I was hurting other very important people in my life working there. I'll miss the wonderful people I've met working there though.
As for my weight, well I'm still stuck. I fluctuated up to 97 but now I'm back down to 94lbs. It's so frustrating because I've been purging my dinner every night and taking laxies every day. I think I'll be forever stuck at this weight. I also had a pregnancy scare this past week. Well I don't know if I'd call it a scare. A small part of me was hoping for the test to come back positive, so I was a bit disappointed that it was negative. But honestly, my health is not anywhere close to healthy enough for a baby right now. Plus I don't think I can get pregnant because I'm underweight. I wish I felt underweight. I feel like a blimp. I haven't gone to the gym in 3 weeks. I'm pretty much just wasting my gym membership.
I'm not sure I mentioned this on my last post, but I have started writing my book, finally. It's a memoir about my life. I'm only on chapter 3, but it's coming along quite nice. My main focus with my book is to get my story out there. I want my story to be heard. I don't know if I'm looking for someone to help me, but I want to help other girls out there that are going through what I've gone through in the past and what I'm currently going through at the moment. Sometimes while I'm writing, I lose my motivation because I feel like there are already so many memoirs out there and so many books about eating disorders. But at the same time, I feel like there is not enough awareness about eating disorders.
Also, I've become very antisocial again here lately. It's just easier for me to keep to myself and not burden other people with all my problems. But honestly, I do miss my friends. I really miss R, but I can't help but be mad at her for abandoning me just because I was a stripper. As my best friend, she was supposed to be here for me no matter what. We've been through everything together, and it seems like it was so easy for her just up and walk away. So needless to say, I've been feeling pretty alone lately. I hope I can pull myself out of this depression soon though. I found myself cutting pretty bad this week. A sick part of me really missed putting that blade to my skin. And I'm glad that T wasn't mad at me when he found out.
I hope this post finds you all well. I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I'm hoping tomorrow I can make some time to go through all of your lovely blogs and catch up on how you girls are doing. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

2 comments:

  1. Oh darling.. I am pleased to hear about the therapy for your son being so positive, but I'm sorry that things aren't great right now.. Depression sucks and it feels like a never ending battle, but persevere. You are loved, by T and your boys and your family and friends.. I am so excited to hear you are writing a book, that's amazing and I wish you all the best. You are so brave to do so :)

    Lots of love my dear xx you are beautiful x

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  2. It sucks to lose a friend - especially when their reasoning is a simply distaste for who you are or what you're doing... feels like a slap in the face to be neglected for such things.
    On another note - I'd love to be under 100lbs.

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