Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Big day

Today is filled with anxiety,
And nervousness, and self doubt.
Today is when I make myself vulnerable
To a complete stranger.
A person who is going to get overwhelmed
With the amount of self loathing I keep inside.
A couple weeks ago I made an appointment,
For a consultation with a plastic surgeon.
I'm not sure if I'll get anything out of this appointment,
Or if I'm going to leave feeling worse than before.
I think that's what I am afraid of.
I don't want to get my hopes up,
For them to be crushed, ya know?
This last month has been especially rough,
Regarding how I feel about my breasts.
I try to avoid them all together,
I try to avoid letting T see them.
Sometimes I force myself to stare at them,
And remember that this is my fault.
I lack one of the main things that makes me a woman,
And it's all because of my eating disorder.
I don't feel sexy, EVER!
I've been trying so hard to gain some weight,
To help them come back on their own.
But I even fail at that,
So now I'm faced with this decision.
What if the doctor thinks I'm crazy?
What if he doesn't understand that this isn't for anyone,
But myself?
Majority of women I've talked to about breast implants,
Did it for materialist reasons.
Wait, is that what I'm doing?
I want the boob job to have boobs,
But not for anyone but myself,
Does that make sense?
My body dysmorphic tendencies,
Are destroying my mental state.
I know I've said this many times before,
But is it so hard to ask,
For me to be able to love myself?
To not cry in the mirror on a daily basis?
To accept my body in front of the one man,
Who has shown me unconditional love and
Never any judgement?
I read a lot of articles about self love,
About self esteem building,
About body acceptance.
But none of them have helped.
Am I just a lost cause in that department?
Do I just accept that this "meat suit"
Is what I'm stuck with for the rest of my life?
Despite my eating healthy
And working out regularly,
I'm still stuck,
And it frustrates me to no end.
So today, I am going to see this doctor,
And poor out all of my emotions
And my sad story
And be vulnerable,
And hope that someone can help me.

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