Monday, March 18, 2013

Sorry for my absence

I know it's been so long since I have written. I've been using this past month to transform myself into someone new.
First off, I hope all of you are doing well. I miss each and every one if you dearly. On that note, I would love to keep in contact with you guys. So please, please email me so we can catch up.
As far as my ed goes..  Some days are harder than others, mostly with body image issues. I am at 90lbs. So since my near death experience, I have gained 9lbs. I'm handling that pretty well. I'm going to the gym about 4 times a week and working on my strength training. Trying to build muscle mass. That's going great and helping me feel better about myself.
I have also allowed God into my life. After I journal every night, I read a bit if my bible. I find it fulfilling. I don't feel an overwhelming need to go to church, because I feel like that I can form my own relationship with God without others pushing their beliefs on me.
My boys are doing good. My youngest is in speech therapy and learning new words everyday. My oldest is going to his weekly therapy and trying to better himself. I found out last week that my eating disorder has affected him more than I would gave ever imagined. He told his therapist that I don't eat enough and that I'm going to die. This was like a month ago while he was with his father. That broke my heart.
I have been experiencing a lot of shame and guilt for all my ed has destroyed and tore apart over this last year. T and I are doing much better than before. Mostly because I took control and Ana is no longer present. I have accepted that my ed will always be a part of me. But it doesn't have to rule my life. There will be days where I'm depressed or hate what I see in the mirror, but I'm learning new skills on how to push those evil thoughts aside, even for a moment.
It is possible. For me and for all of you. You don't need to be ruled and controlled. It is your car you're driving and you don't need to let your ed decide the direction in which you're going. For me, it was being minutes away from death to realize this. I hope that will not be the case for you. Take it from someone who's lived with this disease for over half her life, you are worth it. You're worth living everyday and loving yourself. You deserve to be loved by others and to live a fulfilled life. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie