I knew I shouldn't have drank last night. I knew the scale would be mean to me. But I did it anyway, and I've regretted it all day. I went up two pounds and I haven't felt comfortable in my body all day today. I know T has noticed and I keep telling him I'm ok but really I'm not. I feel like carving off all of my extra skin. I'm freaking out that I'm just gonna keep gaining weight and I'll be fat in my wedding dress. I feel terribly ugly and unworthy of taking up so much space. I want to be little and unnoticeable. That's the role I deserve to be in. For the past 4 days I've done nothing but beat myself up and pick on myself. I feel like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. I'm pretty sure the next opportunity I've got alone, I'm going to self destruct. My meds aren't helping so they are just adding more to my pill cocktail. I cry whenever I'm alone. Every chance I get. I don't know what to do anymore.
Friday, September 27, 2013
I'm kinda excited because I have a job interview today at 2. It's for a waitress job at a mom and pop restaurant. I don't have any experience, but I believe I have the right personality for the job. Plus they seemed pretty interested while I was filling out the application. I'm nervous to work around food because I know how dangerous that can be for someone like me. The last time I worked food, I worked at Subway and got so fat. Yes, I got fat off of Subway. It's all a matter of self control I guess. I'm sure people I'll end up working with will quickly realize something is wrong with me when they don't see me eat at breaks.
So yesterday after I went to lunch with my friend, we took a walk around the stores and we stopped in a pet store. It really got me thinking about having the service dog I've wanted for about a year now. So the impatient person that I am, I went and picked up T and drove up to the humane society. While we were there, I fell in love with a cute little, dark brown Chihuahua. I NEVER thought I would be one to get a Chihuahua but I spent the 150 dollars and adopted her. I named her Buttercup. And it's amazing how fast she has lifted my spirits. And both of my boys absolutely love her. She loves to cuddle too.
For those of you that saw the dresses I was torn between for my upcoming wedding next year, I ended up picking the blue dress. So now I just have to come up with the money to go ahead and order it. If I end up getting this job, it will be for the soul purpose to pay for the wedding. Hope all is going well. Much love. XOXO Katie
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Over the course of the last couple of years, I have met some very strong ladies who live with this terrifying disease. Each and every one of them is just like me. Some want recovery but don't have the proper support to do so. Some want to recover, but are too afraid to gain weight. Then there are those of us that NEED to recover and gain weight, but are too tight in the grips of the eating disorder.
Last night I finally confessed to T that I have been purging everyday. He was a bit disappointed, but more concerned on how he could help me. I know exactly how this is going to turn out if I continue down this path.
I am back to taking laxies everyday as well. 7 seems to be my average at the moment. I went and saw my doctor the other day, and she is upping the dosage on my Ambilify in hopes of helping with my moods. T told my doctor that as of currently, I have two moods only. Either I'm extremely depressed, crying all the time, or I am in a fantastic mood, smiling all the time. He doesn't see the moods in between, but I am well aware of them being there. There are times when I am happy, but I've got a lot of shit on my mind, so I'm quiet. Most of the time, he takes that as I'm depressed.
I've also been smoking a whole lot more lately. About a pack and a half a day. Sometimes 2. It hasn't been good for me because I can't get over this cough I've had for the past 3 weeks, but I can't quit smoking. It's such a release for me.
I am supposed to meet with a friend for lunch today. Yes, I do plan on purging it. I can't eat out at a restaurant and be able to keep the food down. If I can't track the calories, it's frightening. The main reason why I'm going is because I'm trying to make new friendships and not distance myself from everyone. Last year when my eating disorder took over my life, I made sure I didn't hang around anyone. I isolated myself. I'm not going to let that happen again. If I'm going to embrace Ana, then I am going to be honest with everyone around me.
On a final note, I am starting counseling again next week. I'm not sure how it's going to go. I hate that I have to start with a new therapist. AGAIN. I have been through so many already, and Jenn, my last one, was probably the best I had. I just wish she would have been able to keep me despite my insurance.
I hope this post finds all of you ladies well. Much love
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
With my recent engagement to T, I should be happy. It's not him nor our relationship that I'm not happy with; it's myself. Everything about the person that I have become disgusts me to my core. With throwing myself back into my ed, that just shows how selfish I am. Here I am, not in a better place than I was a year ago. As a matter of fact, was reading my post from a year ago today and I was day 14 in treatment. I was actually in a better place a year ago.
How did I let myself go? I thought I was going to finally beat this thing. Looking back through the events of this past year, there were so many significant times when I hit my lowest, picked myself up off the ground, only to fall back in the dirt.
I'm just a big fat failure. Maybe I'll be more optimistic tomorrow; yeah, probably not.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
On another note, I am a huge fucking whale. I ate entirely too much this weekend. I was only to purge a few times. When I got on the scale on Friday morning, I was down another pound. I was 93, but I bet I'm like 96 today. I feel extremely bloated. I took 6 laxies and an enema today. Now I'm just drinking tea and trying to feel a less bit gross. My face broke out something terrible this past week. I just don't understand why I'm still breaking out so much. I'm 24 years old. This is bull shit.
I will most definitely not be eating tomorrow. I can't even stand looking at myself in the mirror. I have started cutting again, which is a little comforting. It's something that is mine that no one can take away from me, just like my ed.
So I have something pretty heartbreaking that happened Friday night. So my best friend, R, the one that also has an ed and we have been best friends for 12 years, well she texted me out of the middle of nowhere. I haven't talked to her in about a month. We have been trying not to trigger each other, plus she is in a new relationship. Well she texted me and asked what I was up to. I told her that I was working. She asked where my new job was at, and I told her at a strip club. She then proceeded to go off on me about how I have no respect for myself and that she couldn't believe I'd lower myself to the level. Then her last text to me was her saying she couldn't be involved in this friendship any longer because of my job of choice.
This is the girl that held my hand while I birthed my children, while I lay in the hospital bed fighting for my life from my eating disorder, and cried with me through everything. I'm the only friend of hers that didn't leave her side when she told me she was pregnant at 14. We have been through everything together. I didn't even bother telling her that I was quitting that night because I wanted to see her true colors. Yeah, they came through. I can't believe her. I cried in between my dances, fixing my makeup each time.
And for my final announcement; I am an engaged woman! T and I took a spontaneous trip up to the mountains a few hours away, just him and I. We got a hotel room, walked the boardwalk, stopped in some cute shops, went to a nice dinner, and then went and watched fireworks over the lake. He told me he loved me, I said I love you too. Then he said, "so much that," then turned me around, got down on one knee and said, "Katie, will you marry me." And pulled out a beautiful ring. It was absolutely perfect. Fireworks in the background, people all around. So now I am officially his fiancé. We set the date for July 11th of next year. I found a couple dresses that I'm torn between. Here is a picture of the first.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
That following year, her parents decided to get a divorce. She was going to stay with daddy and her brothers were moving away with mommy. She was still a bit young to understand everything just yet. But she would. When she was 5, her dad and her packed all their stuff up and moved to a tiny apartment a couple hours away. No more kitties, or taking care of the corn. Every other weekend she went and spent time with her mom. She loved going over there. Her mom showered her with love, something she had recently lost from daddy. See, daddy was too busy working, going to the bars and not spending time at home. Most days when she came home from school, she would have to climb through the tiny bathroom window to get inside.
Shortly after her 6th birthday, there was a night that changed how her life would end up. Her brother took her to his room and touched and did things to her that she felt weren't right. But he reassured her that it was normal for brothers and sisters to do. This continued for 2 years. She was his little experimentation. His doll to use at his convenience. During this time, she was also raped by her dad's biological brother. Exposed to all this sexual experiences at such a young age would prove to be detrimental to her future.
Fast forward to age 11. New school again. New friends. New crushes. This is the point in her life where her life would be introduced to Ana. Watching television one day, she came across a documentary about eating disorders. Already being pre-disposed to so much in her young life, and starting puberty at 10, she knew what it was like to feel unworthy and fat. Losing weight would make her feel wanted, right? Little did she know that Ana would be around for such a long time. That Ana would be there to hold her hand at her lowest, and her highest moments.
Summer before 8th grade, she went to her first party to impress this guy that she was seeing. While there, she was raped again by a 19-year-old guy. This would lead to her going to a mental hospital and put on suicide watch. The sick thing is, she liked it there better than at home with her dad. A few months later as she is entering the 8th grade, she meets a boy. A boy full of promises. He promised her protection from evil. Of love. Of compassion. Lies, that's all they were.
For the next 3 years of her life, she was used, abused, humiliated and treated like the piece of shit she already knew she was. She was sold for drugs. She was used by his friends in any sick fantasy that they had. Broken nose, ribs, bruises constantly. And still through that all, Ana was holding her hand. But not in the way that she wanted. Instead, Ana was dragging her right down in the mud too. Just re-affirming the fact that she was nothing until she was somebody worth noticing. At the end of the 3 years is when the cutting began. It was self inflicted, so she had the control whether it hurt or not.
After getting hit and raped for the last time, she broke free from that relationship. She promised herself she was going to do better next time and she wasn't going to settle for less. She was going to finish high school, go to college and become a writer. But only a few short months later, she was back in another destructive relationship. This guy convinced her to bear his child so he would have a reason to stay out of jail. She was so fragile still but agreed. She was only 15 when she got pregnant with his child. Needless to say, he left her to deal with the situation. She dealt with it the best she knew how and placed that baby up for adoption. It broke her soul to love a child inside of her for 9 months and that child no longer belong to her. Instead he left the hospital with a brand new family.
Now let's take you to age 24. She has two beautiful sons that she loves with all her heart. A family that loves her. She is constantly surrounded by people but still feels all alone. She cries every night after everyone has gone to sleep. She still longs for that blade against her skin. And yes, Ana is still there. Ever so quietly taunting her from the sidelines. Constantly reminding her that she is still worthless, still fat, and not strong enough to defeat her. All of these reminders are right.
She feels like on the sunniest of days, there is still the black cloud that follows her around. She is the only one in the rain storm. While people go about their days, she is still stuck. People tell her she is choosing to play the victim, but that's all she knows how to be. She doesn't know how to stand tall on her own. She is the turtle that slightly pokes it's head out of it's shell just to be scared back inside instantly.
She doesn't know what to do with her life. It seems like every time she tries to venture away from her bottomless pit, she is being sucked right back in again. The weight falls off of her but she doesn't see it. She still sees, "NOT GOOD ENOUGH." Something is going to kill her soon, it's just a matter of time. She tries to find something to hold her above water, but depression and anxiety are tugging at her ankle bringing her to the ocean floor.
She is just playing the waiting game of life.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
It has been such a rough week for my mind and my body. I've been so depressed, embracing Ana, and trying to keep my skin blade free. I have cut a couple times, mainly on the days I'm trying to keep Ana at bay. I'm pretty sure my scale battery is going out because it's been telling me the same weight for a week now.
So, I ended up taking the job afterall. T and I talked a lot and we came up with an agreement. Which makes me happy. He really is such a wonderful man. I'm lucky to have someone who is understanding. I'm enjoying the job for the most part. Most of the girls I work with are sweet. I get to dress in cute clothes and heels. And I'm making pretty decent money. One of the flaws about this job is the toll its already taking on my body. But it will get better with time.
For those of you that live in the states, know about all the floods going on here in Colorado. Its been pretty hard for me to deal with. It breaks my heart that my town, the town I grew up in, and the surrounding towns are destroyed by all this water. And it rained all day again today.
I'm also so torn with my ed. I know that if I ate more, my breasts would fill out, but at the same time, I don't want to. I don't want to eat or gain weight. It's such a vicious cycle. I hope everyone is doing well.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Which brings me to how low I've been feeling lately. I cut for my first time in over a year. I've been bruising up my legs again. And constantly chewing on the inside of my mouth. It looks like a freaking crater in there. I feel like I have zero self worth. Which is probably why I wanted the stripper job in the first place. So maybe I could feel a small percentage of what it's like to be noticed.
I've lost a total of 5lbs. I don't know exactly how because I feel like a fat cow. I feel like I've been eating like a little piggy. My thighs are huge and my stomach is bulging. My face has broken out terribly. I just want to stay inside and not show my horrifying face. I can't go to the gym and work out because I'm scared I'll run into that man again.
I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'm just so sad and depressed and beat down. And to top it all off, I've got a terrible cold. I feel like crap. I hope you all are doing well.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
There's the girls who party all the time, to get drunk and sleep with different guys. The number of men they sleep with determines their self worth.
There's the girls who will go through plastic surgery their whole lives. Add here, subtract here. Move this over there and remove that completely.
Then there are the girls who try to find something to make them noticed. For example: exotic dancing. Yes ladies, I'm talking about stripping.
I went to the strip club for my birthday with my best friend and T. It was a very eye opening experience, plus I had the time of my life. There I met a girl, we'll call her E. E was by far the most beautiful dancer there. She had confidence, she had a large chest. Long, blonde hair. Tall. In my eyes, the perfect woman. Looking at her, I could tell that she wasn't a size 0, but I also didn't think she was fat. So why is it that when it comes to my body, a size 0 still isn't good enough?
So anyway, E and I got to talking and I told her that the thought of being a dancer has crossed my mind several times before but I don't think I could ever go through with it. When she asked me why, I explained to her a bit about my past and my lack of self worth. This is when she tells me that once too had an eating disorder. She started working at the club about a year ago and she loves it. Her self esteem went sky rocketing through the roof. She feels beautiful and no longer doubts herself.
So this got me thinking; could becoming a dancer do this for me as well. Could it take a girl who has lived with her eating disorder for 13 years and cries every single day because she doesn't feel beautiful, and turn my life around? Would I go through with something that I know is still taboo in our society to give my self worth a shot? The answer to that is... Hell yes I would.
What do you ladies think? What would you do to start loving yourself and putting your eating disorder behind you, once and for all? I hope you all are doing well. And thank you so much for the birthday wishes.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
It's been a pretty sad day. I don't know why, but I always have high expectations for this day. In reality, it's just another birthday. Another day of getting older. Another day of showing that I haven't accomplished recovery or anything.
My dad didn't call me. A lot of my close friends didn't call or text me. I've actually had to remind people. I don't know why I bother.
T and his dad are taking me out to dinner, where I'm expected to eat like a fat pig. I hope I'll be able to purge it. Because I'm already feeling so huge today. I have been so depressed today that I slept most of it.
My mom sent me flowers because she couldn't be with me today due to work. She's coming up this weekend though.
This post is just rambling. I apologize. I hope everyone had a better day than I did.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
There's a scar on my right knee; a knife blade from R.J. The way my nose is a bit crooked because it's been broken three times. Scars on my wrists from when I started cutting after being raped for 4th time by the 4th guy. But the biggest reminder? The dark circles under my eyes that I have to cover up with makeup every morning. Those are caused by the nightmares that keep me from sleeping every night. It's just easier for me not to sleep, then to be haunted by my dreams.
All the trauma I have been through in my life has prevented me from actually living my life. I can't enjoy much because I'm either focusing too hard on being perfect, or caught up in my past. This is one of the biggest things that bothers T about me. I CAN NOT let go of my past. It's what shaped me. What made me the person that I strive to be everyday. But in the same light, what kind of person would I be without it? Would I be able to live a happy and fulfilled life? Would I be able to go out with friends for a night out and not be consumed in thought about the drink I'll get, or the food I'll order? Would I be able to go for a walk without constantly looking over my shoulder in fear of being attacked by someone of my past?
I'm anxious all the time. Locking my doors when I'm home by myself. Afraid to take a walk down to the gas station to get my cigarettes. Going to the store by myself scares me. I'm terrified of my past finding me. Living in constant fear is destroying my life in every aspect. But it's the only thing that I know.
Last week I wrote in my journal that I need to get away for a bit, all by myself, to try to find myself. I was really hell bent on doing this. It sounds nice in theory but in reality, it can't happen. I have too much of a busy life, and kids. I would never get the time.
All the diagnosis that I have, all the medication I take everyday, is part of my life. It is my life. I've learned to live with it. But living with it is not good enough. Just like every part of me. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Monday, September 2, 2013
I have been so damaged. Things have happened to me that I didn't deserve. Molestation, rape, abuse, the selling of my body, and most currently, sexual assault by an older gentleman. Since the assault, I have thrown myself into my eating disorder full force. I have been purging several times a day. My throat hurts. I've been taking laxies everyday. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel the need to punish myself. I can't help but blame myself for what happened. There's also the urge to cut again. I feel like my body is nothing but a sexual target. A piece of meat. I'm hurting so much inside, and somehow I need to make that pain real. I'm sorry this post is rambling. But I have so many negative emotions. Maybe I'll update later.