This has been my constant weight for the past week. I'm very frustrated, for a couple reasons. I would think that I would be happy to finally make it to my first goal, but really, I'm not. I don't want to be in the triple digits. I think that 98lbs would be the perfect weight for me. Not triple digits, but not unhealthy.
In other news, T and I are back together. Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. We have been going through a lot of shit in these past couple of years. The fighting was getting out of control. But since I've been back, things are going pretty well. I'm working on expressing my emotions and thoughts to him more, and he is working on his anger. It's been less tense around here.
I've also been working on my relationship with the boys a lot more. I'm trying to spend more time with them and do things that they are interested in. I took the both of them to Estes Park a couple days for a drive, and then we took my youngest back up there today. Went to a few shops, out to lunch and just enjoyed the day together. It was nice.
I've been struggling with keeping food down, probably ever since I left T, but I was hoping that since I've been back it would get better. But even today, 3 hours after eating lunch, I still didn't keep it down. I'm still taking the laxies, about 4 a day, but they aren't doing anything to lower my weight. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. All I know is that I am feeling so down on myself, hating the way that I look and the numbers on the scale.
I would love to see what others see in me. They tell me I'm beautiful and that I have a great body, but I don't see it. When I look in the mirror, all I see is fat, cellulite, and pudgy. I look at old pictures of me when I was heavier, and I have a mixture of emotions. My hair was healthy and long. My boobs were awesome. I like what I see there. But looking at my face, stomach, and legs, I get disgusted. I can't believe I ever let myself get that big.
I am making a promise to myself right now that I will never let myself get that large again. I don't want to ever get above 110lbs. That is the weight that scares me. I mean, so does the 100lbs that I am at now, but if I get any heavier, I'm afraid that I will full blow relapse and this time, there will be no going back.
I'm sorry I am so absent, but I swear that I will start being better at blogging. Tomorrow I will catch up as much as I can on all of you lovely ladies' blogs. I miss you all so much and I miss talking to you and reading all about what's going on in your lives. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie
It's really being caught between a rock and a hard place, isn't it? Recovery depends on us making peace with our weight and not controlling it anymore, but at the same time, gaining too much before we're ready can send us spiraling downwards. It's finding a balance. I have the same mixed feelings when I look at photos of myself at a healthier weight. Some parts look beautiful, but others disgust me beyond words. I'm really glad to hear you and T are back together. It sounds like you both know what needs to change. Wishing you all the best into 2014 Katie. Much love xx
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