Dear Lost kid,
Tonight sucked. You have hurt me repeatedly but I still try to make you at least like me. All those hurtful words that you have spewed out like word vomit, but then act like nothing happened. You always want more, but can not give me anything in return.
I wanted to punch you in the face tonight. I wanted to yell at you. I wanted to unload on you, but that doesn't make me any better than you, does it?
I started writing you this letter because I wanted to express my displeasure with you. I know I can write what I want here with a 99% chance you'll never see it. The things I want to say to you but know you'll never actually here because unless you need something from me, I don't mean shit to you.
You hate me, fine, I've accepted it, but why do you have to spread these toxic lies about me? Do you think people won't tell me? Do you think I wasn't ever your age?
I was in your position once. I knew everything. I didn't need anyone but my friends. I wanted to be an adult but I was just a child myself. You know where that fucking got me? In a 3 year abusive relationship, pregnant and homeless at 15, and dropping out of high school in my sophomore year.
But you know what the difference between you and I is? I grew the fuck up, got a job, went back to school. I graduated, even if it was almost two years late. And guess what? I graduated high school working 2 jobs, and taking care of a one year old.
Now before you think I'm having myself a pity party, understand this. The decisions I made around the same age you are is what got me into the previous mentioned situation. I take full responsibility for it. I, unlike you, didn't fuck up every last chance at high school before semester of Freshman year.
I've tried talking to you til I'm blue in the face. I've tried being your friend, but you didn't want that. I tried being an authority figure and that made you hate me even more. You've spread nasty lies about me. You've said hurtful things about me. You tried having everyone turn on me since the beginning.
So here's the end of this letter. I'm done. I'm done trying. I'm done listening. I'm done giving you things. I'm not going to continue to make myself vulnerable to your toxicity. I love you. That will never change. But I'm not giving anymore. Not until I can at least get something in return. Shit, even a sincere apology would bring me a little closer to believing you cared.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Dear Lost kid,
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
I know I haven't posted in awhile, but I've been lurking. I've been reading but don't know what to say. I don't have a whole lot of encouraging words because I, myself, have been struggling.
I was reading Kate's post yesterday about breastfeeding and having an eating disorder. A lot of people don't understand how hard it is. Pregnancy was hard because I was eating so much to grow a healthy baby. But now that Syrsha is here, it seems to be harder. I know that if I engage in behaviors, it doesn't directly affect her, but it affects every other aspect of my life.
T has already told me that if I relapse, he'd have no choice but to remove her from my life. Which honestly, I don't blame him. I have already let Ana affect my boys. If I ever let Syrsha catch a glimpse of Ana, I would never forgive myself. I want to give her every possible chance to have high self esteem and love herself. She deserves that. If she knew I hated myself and beat myself up everyday, she'd probably turn out to do the same.
So with breastfeeding, I have to keep my calorie intake up so I can keep my supply up. It's frustrating because I know that I'm giving her the best she deserves, but every time I eat more than what I'm comfortable with, I find myself wanting to give into the urge.
I've been religiously going to the gym every other day. I do 20 minutes of cardio and do about 40 minutes of lifting. I know I should probably do more cardio to help burn calories, but I'm trying to tone my body. I have so much loose skin that needs to be defined. Pregnancy wrecked my body.
My weight has been bouncing between 102 and 104. The days I'm 104, I struggle more, obviously. But anyway, I'm going to leave you with a few pictures. I lost a lot of pictures on my SD card because I downloaded a stupid App that corrupted and damaged it. But I'll post what I got.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
I'm sorry it's been so long. Life has been stressful and overwhelming. I wish I came bearing wonderful news about how I'm fully recovered, about how life is perfect and that I'm never looking back.
Before I get into all of that, I'll update you all on my little princess. Syrsha will be 3 months in 6 days. I can't believe how fast she's growing. She's developed quite a personality and smiling all the time. She's almost 11 lbs.
So, in other news, I've been struggling real bad as of lately. My weight has been pretty much the same since 2 weeks after Syrsha was born. A couple weeks ago I gained 3lbs in one weekend. It triggered me so bad. Currently I'm 102. And for the most part, I'm ok with that. But the fear of gaining is what I'm really fighting with. Every time I eat, I freak out. I've started counting calories during meal times. But I can't not eat since I'm breastfeeding. I need to eat as much as I did when I was pregnant to keep her healthy.
I've pretty much kept to myself since Syrsha was born. My anxiety keeps me from reaching out, or going out for that matter. I only talk to one friend and that's my best friend. She's the only one who understands my feelings. Most of the time I want to cry, but I don't because I don't want anyone to see I hurt.
As for my boys, my youngest turned 4 in January. He's become such a wonderful big brother. He loves to help me around the house. He loves to help with the baby. For the most part, he's not an attitudinal little butthead like he used to be. My oldest though, he has taken a turn for the worst. He got put on Strattera at the beginning of February and it has worsened everything. He's become so aggressive, lying all the time, and refusing to have anything to do with school. I think they are going to switch him to Lithium. That scares me but we are at a loss with him.
T and I are doing great. We don't have much time for just us which wears on us a bit. But we are still being very open with communication. In fact, we finally picked a wedding date. When it becomes official, I'll tell you all.
I apologize for this being so long, it's just been awhile. I'll leave you with a few pictures. Much love.