Ramen Ritual

We'll call it RR. It goes like this. A bowl of ramen sitting in between me and my computer. My screen on Blogger. A tortilla to my left on the desk and my drink on my right. Take a bite. Take a drink. Tear off a piece of tortilla, fill it with ramen, roll it up, eat it. Take a drink. This is probably my favorite and preferred way to eat. My youngest son is in his room for quiet time, T is at work, my oldest at school, so I'm all alone. I wish I could eat alone everyday. It's peaceful, and I am able to go off to the bathroom after finishing eating without any disturbances. The RR is my favorite. Ramen is such an easy food to purge, even with the tortilla. Most days I should say. After my RR, I went off to the bathroom, bent over the toilet and just let it all go. Most of it anyway. I could feel there was more, but my throat was raw. I came back out to read some more blogs and there's Ana's voice, "You know it's not all out. You have to go finish what you started." So I go to the bathroom once again. This time I'm in there for more than 5 minutes. Forcing my fingers further and further down my throat. By the time everything is out, there's spots of blood in the toilet, along with the remainder of my food. I flush and look in the mirror. Damn it, I popped my vessels in my eyes. Now everything is all blurry and I have a raging migraine.
While typing this, I'm thinking to myself, if it hurts so much, and it has all these negative effects on you, then why put yourself through it? Well honestly, it's for that empty feeling. With my blood sugar levels being so low, I know that I must eat to keep myself from passing out again. But damned if I keep it in there. Which is counter-productive, I know. I feel empty, but still feel heavier. Which leads me to believe I still didn't get it all. Even now, I'm thinking about running off to the bathroom once more to see if I got it all. But I'm out of Sprite, so if there is anything left, it will be more painful than last time.
In other news, I drove 30 minutes yesterday to meet with this new psychiatrist, just to find out that my appointment was actually at 1, not at 2. So after a big hurrah and me getting extremely pissed, they rescheduled my appointment for Friday morning. I called EDCD (the treatment center) to let the admissions lady know what happened, then she turned around and called my insurance this morning and kind of lit a fire under that lady's ass for giving me the wrong time. She called me back and told me to get the lab work from the hospital visit over the weekend, fax it to her and she'll fax it to my insurance. They can come up with a decision as early as this afternoon. After talking with the admissions lady, we decided that this coming Monday would be best for me to start. But that's only if my insurance approves me. I took a look at my lab work and the only things that were a little on the low side were my red blood cell count and my potassium. But not enough to worry about I guess.
My weight did go back down to 91lbs this morning. So that's a plus. I got worked up over nothing. I'm not sure what happened for my weight to go up 2lbs yesterday, but it made for a really cranky day. I hate that my weight determines what my day and mood is going to be like. I'm sure you all can relate. So a big thank you for all the comments and reassuring remarks on yesterday's post. I really appreciate it. Even the ones that weren't sugar-coated. It really helped. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie