Sunday, December 29, 2013

Big fat piggy

My weight stayed the same today. Even after purging my lunch yesterday and skipping dinner last night. I did have a late night snack after smoking a bowl. That is probably the thing I hate the most about smoking is that I always get the munchies and I end up eating unhealthy shit. I just wish my weight would do something. When the number stays the same for over a week, it's just frustrating.
Today is another fat day for me. I spent the day cleaning and I even shampooed the carpets. I tried to stay active all day so hopefully burned some calories that way. I didn't purge my lunch which was stupid. We ate out. I had two pancakes, 1 egg and two pieces of ham. I feel like such a piggy. And lately I look like one too. I'm wearing a big hoodie to cover up my disgusting body.
I did end up taking 7 laxies today. Probably too much, but honestly, my weight needs to go down. I need to lose some weight. I'm repulsed by my body. Alright that's enough bitching. I hope to do another update a bit later. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Saturday, December 28, 2013


So after reading a few blogs recalling their measurements, I realized I haven't posted mine in so long. So this is what I came up with:

Bust: 30.5"

Waist: 26" UGH

Hips: 32"

Thighs: 16"

Wrists: 5.5"

The following are my goals:

Bust: 30"

Waist: 24"

Hips: 30"

Thighs: 14"

Wrists: 5"


This has been my constant weight for the past week. I'm very frustrated, for a couple reasons. I would think that I would be happy to finally make it to my first goal, but really, I'm not. I don't want to be in the triple digits. I think that 98lbs would be the perfect weight for me. Not triple digits, but not unhealthy.
In other news, T and I are back together. Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. We have been going through a lot of shit in these past couple of years. The fighting was getting out of control. But since I've been back, things are going pretty well. I'm working on expressing my emotions and thoughts to him more, and he is working on his anger. It's been less tense around here.
I've also been working on my relationship with the boys a lot more. I'm trying to spend more time with them and do things that they are interested in. I took the both of them to Estes Park a couple days for a drive, and then we took my youngest back up there today. Went to a few shops, out to lunch and just enjoyed the day together. It was nice.
I've been struggling with keeping food down, probably ever since I left T, but I was hoping that since I've been back it would get better. But even today, 3 hours after eating lunch, I still didn't keep it down. I'm still taking the laxies, about 4 a day, but they aren't doing anything to lower my weight. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. All I know is that I am feeling so down on myself, hating the way that I look and the numbers on the scale.
I would love to see what others see in me. They tell me I'm beautiful and that I have a great body, but I don't see it. When I look in the mirror, all I see is fat, cellulite, and pudgy. I look at old pictures of me when I was heavier, and I have a mixture of emotions. My hair was healthy and long. My boobs were awesome. I like what I see there. But looking at my face, stomach, and legs, I get disgusted. I can't believe I ever let myself get that big.
I am making a promise to myself right now that I will never let myself get that large again. I don't want to ever get above 110lbs. That is the weight that scares me. I mean, so does the 100lbs that I am at now, but if I get any heavier, I'm afraid that I will full blow relapse and this time, there will be no going back.
I'm sorry I am so absent, but I swear that I will start being better at blogging. Tomorrow I will catch up as much as I can on all of you lovely ladies' blogs. I miss you all so much and I miss talking to you and reading all about what's going on in your lives. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The turth about being a mom with an ed

Being a mom is hard enough. My kids are not well behaved. My six year old tells me he hates me. My 3 year old is constantly attached to my hip. We have hourly melt downs in my house. As hard as I try to keep my house clean, it's redundant because there's always something that has to be picked up, wiped down or washed. I'm not the best mom in the world, but I do try my hardest. My kids eat candy. I let them watch SpongeBob. I don't do gluten free or organic. My 3 year old doesn't like to sit down at meals, instead he eats small snacks in front of the TV watching movies. If I didn't let him do so, he wouldn't eat at all.
My six year old is on medication for his mental issues. And I'm looked down for resulting to medication. I lose my patience and have days where I want to strangle my children. I have moments when I want to lock myself in my room, put my headphones in and cry. I spank my children because I believe they won't learn their lesson without discipline.
I love my children unconditionally. I love on them every chance I get. They get kisses and hugs from me constantly. I take them to every appointment that they need to go to. I kiss their boo boos, pick their noses, help them brush their teeth. I don't talk down to them, even if the choices they make are not the smartest. I encourage them in everything they do. I snuggle them when they're sick.
So as you can tell, being a mom is a tough job, especially with two special needs kids. But then we put my ED on top of it all, and it makes it that much harder. With ED thoughts running around in my head constantly, sometimes it's hard for me to focus on my children. I run myself ragged and to the point of exhaustion. Because on top of taking them to their appointments, I have to take myself to mine as well. If I had to break it up in percentages, my ED thoughts and behaviors take up about 50%, my children take the other 50%. I also have to squeeze time and energy into the house, T, and friends.
My children have seen me at my sickest. I've had to rely on T to help me with them when I was sick and didn't have the energy to do anything. I couldn't get off the floor by myself, let alone lift my youngest to put him in his crib when he was younger. I've had to explain to my 6 year old what was wrong with me without going into too much detail.
Through all of this, I've kept fighting, for them. They are my world and I wouldn't change one thing about them. Although some days I feel like giving in, or not picking up toys, changing diapers or making dinner, I still do so. There are nights when I make hamburger helper or a frozen pizza instead of going all out to make something a bit healthier. But my kids have food in their bellies, a roof over their head, clean clothes to wear, and most of all, they have stability. I will always put their needs in front of my own.
So for all those people that have told me that I was being selfish over the last two years because I was killing myself with my ED, I hope I've given you some insight to what it's like to be a mom and living with such a disease. It's not easy some days, but I do the best I can. My kids are loved and they have everything they could ever want and need.
XOXO Katie

Monday, December 16, 2013

A major life change

Things have been really hard for me in the last couple of weeks. I've been purging for the last week. I've been slicing my wrists and arm. I'm self destructing. I'm finding it harder to keep fighting. 
The reason for all of this? T and I decided to seperate last week. I packed the boys and myself up and moved in with a friend and her kids. I love T with all my heart but we were fighting all of the time and we realized we had fallen out of love with each other. 
So currently we are taking time to reflect on our relationship and I'm taking this time to find myself. I don't know who I am outside of our relationship. I also want to be a better mom and so I'm also taking this time to work on being a better mom for my boys. 
I  am terrified of relapsing because of all of this going on. But I know if I do, then there is no chance of us working through things. 
I tried resorting to cutting because I didn't want to fall back into my ed. But I failed at that as well. I'm just a mess and I've got so much stress in my life. Smoking more than a pack a day is killing my breathing. But oh well. I'm sorry that I've been so absent. I miss you all so much and I hope that you're all doing well. Lots of love. 
XOXO Katie

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Emotions falling apart

Something's gotta give. My emotions are all over the place. I don't know what to do with them. There are things that make me so happy, and others that totally depress me. In some of these situations, it's the same thing causing all of the emotions. I just want to finally be happy for the rest of my life, but I don't know how to do that without hurting those around me.
As far as my recovery goes, I am at 97lbs. Have been all week. I'm eating all my meals and still going to the gym. My arms and legs are starting to become more toned. I just wish I could do something about my stomach. I am still embarrassed by it. I am still having my fat days. These days are probably the roughest on me. I know that I am not "fat" by any standards, but that little voice in my head can't and won't shut up. When I sit down, I sometimes feel like my stomach is bulging out.
I wish that I saw what everyone else sees in me. I've actually had people tell me that I am model material and that I am beautiful. But I just don't see it. Everyday I spend so much time making myself look good. I do my hair, I put my makeup on, but I don't feel like it helps at all.
Like I said, my emotions are all over the place. I just don't feel good enough.