Monday, December 31, 2012

Goodbye year from hell

This is it. The last day of 2012. Probably by far, the worst year I've had in a long time. My first post on my other blog was on January 18th of this year. Reading through the posts on there and the ones on this blog, it's hard for me to determine whether or not if I have made any progress. When I started out 2012, I was 128lbs. My new years resolution was to get to 125lbs by the end of the year. The reason why I made such a short goal was because of all the years I've lived with my eating disorder, I have never been one to lose weight easily. It all happened so fast. The restricting and purging had some so easy this time.
In this year, I have gone from one side of the weight spectrum to the other. My lowest weight before I went to treatment in September was 84.6lbs. By the time I left there at the beginning of October, I was up to 95lbs. Then I got up to 98lbs. And now here I am, the last day of the year and my last known weight was 89.8lbs. Last weekend was a huge wake up call for me. And from last Sunday until a couple days ago, I was going everyday eating "normally" and not counting calories. Then I got sick and I have barely ate for the past two days. I literally slept all day yesterday. And then beat myself up because I felt lazy and didn't do shit besides lay around. I'm pretty sure I know why, but not 100% sure. Saturday night I took 3 of my Clonazapam at once. I'm only supposed to take one as needed. Which used to be 1 like every other day. But I have found myself taking 1 or 2 and then smoking a bowl just to calm my anxiety. My anxiety has been so high this past week. I have a doctor appointment in 45 minutes to get prescription refills, and of course to get weighed.
So moving on to 2013... I am not going to make a "resolution" so to speak. I am going to make a whole new me. A me that my kids and family will love. A me that will make new friendships, and mend old ones. I am starting out with redecorating our house. Putting in positive and loving things that will create a loving home. So here are my "resolutions....."
*I will eat dinner with my family and not let those negative thoughts ruin dinner
*I will reach a healthy weight so I will be able to work out and have it not kill me
*I will not let anymore negative people in my life
*I will stop letting people walk all over me
*I will start using my voice
*I will stop referring my eating disorder to Ana, it doesn't deserve a persona
*I will find new interests
*I will find different ways to cope with stress instead of restricting and purging
*I will be there 100% for my family and kids
*I will make new friendships and mend the old ones that ever meant anything to me
*I will own up to my mistakes and stop blaming them on my eating disorder
I know this sounds like a lot, but I've got an entire year, right? I hope everyone has a great new year and spend it with the ones you love. Also, I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much, but I will get back to it right away. Stay strong and beautiful. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Post Christmas update

Ditched my dietitian appointment yesterday. Blamed it on being sick, but in reality, I don't want to get weighed. I have been eating all 3 meals and a night time snack every single day since Sunday. Pretty sure I've put on like 20lbs. But every time I let those negative thoughts slide into my head, I go back to Saturday night and the way I looked at myself in the mirror with terror in my eyes of what I've become. Sunday night, my youngest got the flu. Then Christmas Eve, T got the flu. I'm pretty sure I caught it Christmas night, but not near as bad as they did. I didn't overeat on Christmas. I'm pretty sure that I'm not reaching my 2,800 calories I'm supposed to have each day, but I know that I am managing over 1,000. That's OK. I'm OK with that. I do always feel full, and I hate that. But I know a big part of it is that I'm "backed up." I haven't been taking any laxies. I'm regretting ever letting my body get dependant on those things.
Right now I am eating a PB&J sandwich with cottage cheese and some pretzels. Not overdoing it, but staying with the safe foods for now. I have been having a piece of fudge every night. Last night I had two and regretted it. I had to take two of my Clanazapam just to calm my anxiety. Then I turned into a loopy person lol.
As for Christmas, I got everything that I wanted, and more. I got a Furby. I know, it sounds lame. But I have been wanting one since the came out with them again. I had one when I was a kid, and I remember loving that thing to death. Now it's time for a new and improved one =) I got perfume, a jewelry box, a sweater, a food saver, and a few other super sweet gifts. T got his shotgun that he's been wanting from his dad. I got his dad a holster for one of his pistols and T got him a PS3. T's son got a new IPOD. My boys got a TV and DVD player for their bedroom. So everyone made out with some nice gifts.
I'm pretty stressed about tomorrow because I have 3 appointments tomorrow. The first one is to see if my youngest needs tubes in his ears because he has so much fluid in them from all of his ear infections. Then my oldest has therapy. Then I have therapy. So a pretty busy day. I take my oldest up to his psychiatrist to discuss meds with him again and to see if it's time for another med.
Alright, off to do the rest of my house duties. I already got all the Christmas decorations and tree down. Now time to do laundry, dishes, vacuum, and then get the boys ready to go to the appointment. I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Monday, December 24, 2012

My Rock Bottom

I didn't count calories yesterday or today. Why, you ask? Well pretty much because I am so done with all of this shit. Saturday night, I hit rock bottom. Let me start at the beginning:
So all day Saturday, we were out finishing up our Christmas shopping. It took us way longer than we expected. So while we were out around lunch time, we decided to go to Taco Bell for lunch. I did good. I ordered two small things and kept it down. As much as I wanted to go in the bathroom and purge, I knew that T's son would have noticed, and I'm not willing to risk that. Plus in the back of my mind, I kept thinking that I will do enough walking the rest of the day to burn those calories. And I probably did. After T's son went back to his mom's house, we went out shopping for him. We were at Walmart until like 10:30pm and I was starving. So T suggested McDonald's since we were right there. Fuck! Fast food twice in one day. I ate entirely too much. Way more than I wanted to. We went home afterwards and my one and only focus was to purge all of that nasty, disgusting food. I got my youngest to bed, and that is exactly what I did. I purged it all, and blood, and my side hurt so bad. I was in tears because I was so mad at myself. After I came out of the bathroom is when it all escalated and went downhill from there.
T and I started having this discussion and this time I was more honest with him than I have ever been when it comes to my eating disorder. I told him I knew he didn't love me anymore because I know that I am not Katie anymore. I am Ana. I have been for months. Katie has been gone, and so has that love that T had for her. I was crying so hard, and I started to become angry. I went in the bedroom, ripped a picture of the two of us from when we first got together off the wall, took it back into the dining room where we were talking, and pointed to the picture. I told him that is all I want. I want to be that girl again. The girl who would melt when he would look at me. The girl who had cleavage, and a smile, and thick beautiful hair. But I wasn't her anymore. I am this girl who looks so dead on the outside. This girl who has lost all life to her, and all her color is gone. I was to the point where I couldn't breathe because I was crying and I was angry and all I wanted to do was hit something.
My first instinct was to go into the bathroom and start cutting at myself. My stomach, my legs, my arms, my face. Because it didn't matter anymore. I was ugly already, can't really do anymore damage. But instead I did something completely opposite. I went into the bathroom, locked the door and stared at myself in the mirror. Then I started to slowly undress. First my hoodie. Then my shirt. Then my bra and finally my pants. Now I was forcing myself to look at the person I have become. I can count each one of my ribs. My entire pelvis is visible. My face looks hollow. I look like I should be dead. And if I were to have another heart attack right now, I probably would die. I'm 88lbs and I am so unhappy.
So anyway, after staring at myself for so long, I grabbed my cutting shears. I pulled my hair back in a ponytail, and started snipping away. I didn't care what I was doing. I didn't care how it was going to look. I was just cutting it away because I'm not Katie anymore, I'm Ana, and I need to get rid of her somehow. By this time, T is knocking on the door and asking me to unlock it. I was crying so loud and snipping so much away. My hair was falling and softly landing on my feet. Finally after I was done, I opened the door and fell onto the floor. I sat there crying, secretly praying for God to intervene in my life at that very moment or I was going to die. All the while T is staring at me, not knowing what to do. I got up and fell into his arms. And told him over and over again that "I am done." I can't count how many times those words came out of my mouth.
After I calmed down, I put one of his t-shirts on, went out to smoke a cigarette and reflect on what just happened. That was it. That was my rock bottom. That will be the moment that I will always remember and I will write about in my memoir one day. After smoking, I went and took a shower. The most amazing shower I have ever had. Because to me it felt like I washing away my sins. I was washing away Ana. I woke up yesterday with a different outlook on all of this. Because I don't have even two more weeks to play around with this shit. The way I have been losing weight, I would be 75lbs in a couple weeks. If I even made it there. My kids would have to be without their mom, my mother without her daughter, and the love of my life without a partner.
I'm not saying that it's over just like that. Fuck no. I'm going to have my struggles. Just like I have been having for months. I might slip, but I can get back up. Eating for the past two days has been extremely overwhelming, and I still feel like I want to throw up, or take a couple laxies. But I'm resisting it. I haven't ate out at all. Been eating healthy food at home and controlling how much and telling myself when I need to stop. I already feel refreshed, and everyone around me seems to be pleased, so that's a plus. I also haven't been wearing as much makeup as I was before. And just if anyone is curious, I did have my very dear friend fix my hair. It's about 6 inches shorter in some places, but you know what, it's a new me. This is the person I'm starting to become all over again. I'm looking forward to Christmas and spending it with everyone that I love. And I'm looking forward to starting a new year. 2012 has been a horrible year, but we will save that for another post.
This isn't impossible. Your eating disorder doesn't have to control you. You have to find the willpower to get up and fight. I gathered the tools to do this while in treatment, and now it's time to use them. And you can too. Don't let yourself get to your rock bottom to realize that your eating disorder is killing you. You don't have to suffer alone. There is always someone that can relate to you (hint, hint.) Get up on your two feet and punch Ana (or ED) in the face. Take no more of their shit. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and get to spend it with those that you love. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Long update

My therapist really pushed me to my limits today. It was needed. I've been needing a reality check, and it was good that she was the one who gave it to me. First off, I spent most of the appointment talking about everyone else and the problems they're going through. Which she pointed out to me. I was spending "my" time worrying about everyone but me. But the point to where she had me crying was when she asked me, "what would happen if you did let your eating disorder kill you?" I told her that my boys wouldn't have me. Then she prodded a bit more and I went into deep detail about how my oldest wouldn't get the care he needs for his issues because his father doesn't give two shits about it. That he would end up with no friends and a shut in. His dad is the same way. He wouldn't give him the opportunity to grow into a wonderful man that I know he could be. My mother wouldn't have me there for her. I have been so worried about her lately because she is sick, but she canceled her follow up doctors appointment. My therapist asked me how I felt about it and I said sad. Then she pointed out that, that is probably how everyone else feels when it comes to me. It's not that I don't give a shit about what happens if I die, but I'm just not scared of death. This whole conversation had me in tears, and she even shed some herself. I'm relapsing. But instead of her being upset with me, she is quite understanding. She said it's a part of recovery. That I had all this ambition when I first got out of treatment and then fell flat on my face when I didn't have all the "babysitting" I had while in treatment. I went back down to Denver today to get the final diagnosis on my oldest. That was quite overwhelming as well. So when he sees his therapist and psychiatrist next week, we will be discussing a lot about different meds and treatment for him. I tried talking to his dad about it this evening, he didn't seem too interested. This is so frustrating. I am doing everything I can for him, and his dad is pretty much just my babysitter when I need him (sometimes.)
So I went to the library the other day and got a couple books to do some research. One on Borderline Personality Disorder, one on how to stop self mutilation, and an anxiety workbook. I will work through those once I'm finished with this one my dietitian gave to me. This one has me pretty wrapped up and taking a lot of notes. I will also be calling my doctor tomorrow and discuss with her about doing testing for Osteoporosis. It's been brought up by a couple of people lately, so I should probably get on that.
As far as my eating disorder goes lately. I'm trying to get through each day staying under 500cal. Anything above that right now scares the shit out of me. Purging is often. Crying over something small is often. It's almost 8:30pm and I've had 340cal so far. And 140 of that was a stupid, stupid piece of fudge. Damn it. I don't even know why I made it. Just to get fat off of or what? Right now in the book I'm reading, I am supposed to be writing a list of my irrational beliefs when it comes to food, weight, body, and eating. My list is pretty long so far, and I'm not even close to done. Maybe in my next post, I will write it out, because I bet a lot of you struggle with the same beliefs. Well I'm off to get a couple things done. It's been so cold here lately and I just want to climb under the blankets with my heating pad. Have a wonderful night/day everyone. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Monday, December 17, 2012

Day of appointments

Went and saw my dietitian this morning. We talked about how I am extremely dehydrated due to the fact that I'm only drinking my coffee in the morning and a cup of tea at night. I am terrified of gaining that water weight. Plus water is gross. I suppose I could drink more tea, but I would need to expand my collection. I don't have very many flavors. I was also weighed at the beginning of my appointment. Down another pound. Which puts me at 90lbs. I had a bad day on Saturday. Purged both the meals I ate. Yesterday I only ate once, and pretty much restricted my amount. Only to turn around and eat chocolate. Stupid, stupid sweets. I'm going to lose everything, aren't I? The love of my life, my kids, my support team, my family. All because of my eating disorder. If people don't walk away from me, then they are going to bury me.
Alright, that feels a bit better. After my appointment, my youngest had his speech/behavioral evaluation. Keep in mind that he will be 2 next month and I have had concerns about his speech being behind. So they told me that he has the speech of a 15-month old, so he will be seeing a speech therapist once a week, and he is also behind on his cognitive and fine motor skills, so he will be seeing a developmental therapist twice a month. I'm not trying to sound terrible, but I have so much shit on my plate with the boys. This Thursday I go down to Denver to get the results from my oldest's evaluation from Friday. Between all the appointments I have for him each week, and my appointments, now I'm adding more to my plate. I will do everything it takes for my kids to have the future they deserve. So far this week I have a total of 6 appointments, but I haven't even made my therapy or DBT appointments for the week.
Tonight, my oldest was in his room crying for about a half hour because I would give him some of the "chocolate drink" I made earlier. He was throwing things at the door at me, and punching the door and screaming his head off. This hasn't happened in awhile. Both the boys have just been really clingy lately and I'm not sure why. T says it's because they can tell that I'm going downhill again and not feeling myself. That's probably it. Well I'm just rambling now. Have a good night everyone. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Why do I do that?

I set myself up for failure before I even give myself a chance. As I am making my lunch, my thoughts were, "Why are you making this when you know you're going to want to purge afterwards?" That was my thought as I was ordering dinner last night as well. T is right, I do lack the will-power to beat this thing. My eating disorder has won for so long because I don't have enough fucks to give. I gave in this time, but it's not happening again. Ana, this shit is over. I DO NOT enjoy throwing up my food. I DO NOT enjoy the pain of my throat burning after I purge. I DO NOT love Ana anymore. She is not my friend, she is my enemy. She is pushing everyone in my beautiful life away from me, and loving every moment of it. I can't do this anymore. If I want my life back, if I want to be around for my children, if I want to live a full life, Ana's got to pack up and hit the road.
I want to apologize to everyone that has been affected by me and my eating disorder. I know I've said this many times over, but for everyone that has stuck by my side through this terrible time, thank you. The amount of support I have received, especially over this past year, has been incredible. I haven't been in this alone like Ana has made me believe. I truly to have people that love me and I couldn't see it as clear as I do now. Treatment was my first step towards recovery. And then I had a relapse. Today is my second step towards recovery. I'm not saying that it's over from here on out, because all of us know it isn't that easy, but I'm making another move towards a better life. I hate myself for what I've done to all those I love and all those who love me. But that's the end of it. I'm done hating myself for every little thing, even things I can not control.
From this moment on, I am going to try to not look so negatively at things. If I do, then again, I'm setting myself up for failure. Thank you again for reading. I love you all. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Friday, December 14, 2012

My problems seem petty tonight

Tonight our country mourns for 20 children and 6 adults killed in a mass shooting at an elementary school. So instead of me ranting and raving about how much I hate myself, how fat I am, how I just want to die; I am holding my boys a bit closer and expressing how much I love them. At around 9:30am, a 24 year old man walked into a CT elementary school and opened fire, killing children, teachers and other administration. Tonight we lighted a candle for all those families that lost their loved ones. The victims were as young as 5 years old. The same age as my oldest son. Kids in their Kindergarten classes. There has been too many shootings this year. One only an hour away from me back in August. It's so sad what our country has come to. My heart is breaking. My thoughts and many, many prayers are with those families. I love each and everyone of you that take the time to read my blog. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Trying so hard, but so difficult

This is so much harder than it looks to the outside world. Yesterday I managed to eat all 3 meals without purging any of it. And even had a small piece of cake last night after dinner. I'm pretty sure my total intake was about 1,100 calories or so, but I did eat all the meals I was supposed to. But this is so hard. Everyone keeps telling me how proud they are of me. But last night as I was getting undressed to get in the shower, I saw my body. I feel and look so fat. So I voiced that and T got upset with me. He said to me that nobody hates themselves, and I told him that I have always hated myself. And like I've heard many times, I focus too much on the negative stuff throughout my day instead of focusing on all the good that I do. That I can't be proud of eating 3 meals a day, but instead be mad at myself for letting myself getting fat. I have decided that if I am going to eat all 3 meals in my day, then I am going to start working on my thunder thighs and my abs so I can at least look "tight" this coming summer. I spent the last two days down in Denver with my mom. She isn't feeling well and I have been trying my hardest in taking care of her. Yesterday while she was in the hospital, her doctor said to me that I don't look well and that she would check me into the ER too and be my doctor. I turned her down. My main focus was my mom, not me. That's always my issue. Everyone else comes before me. I'm okay with that. Last weigh in at the doctor was 91lbs. I'm pretty sure I've gone up at least 2lbs since then. Sigh, this is going to be hard to get used to. I hope everyone is doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Monday, December 10, 2012

6 months left?

I've been putting off writing mainly because I don't know what to say. Here I am, two months out of treatment, and I'm falling right back into old habits and relapse. I feel guilty because everyone is doing everything they can to try to help me, but this is my demon to face and until I get the "balls" to stand up to Ana, I'm going to continue to self destruct. I miss having a scale. I miss being able to know my weight every morning. But like T has pointed out before, I was obsessed with it. I always was weighing myself. Saturday was a bad day for me. For the first time in months, I self harmed. All over my stomach. Because I felt like that's where it deserved it. Yesterday before my shower, T pointed out that he can count my ribs again and see my entire spine when standing up straight. Ana jumps for joy for that one. Yesterday was a heavy day. T was dealing with something that got brought up out of the middle of nowhere and he was pretty distracted with all of that. So I tried to push Ana aside to help him and support him. Of course, Ana can't be pushed aside. But yesterday she wasn't my number one focus, T was. But here I am, alone today, with my thoughts. I have skipped breakfast, will probably skip lunch because I have an ultrasound at 12:30pm to find out what's wrong and why I'm bleeding so much. It's probably another cyst. Yippy, not! Do you think 5 days of purging at least once a day is a slip or relapse? Maybe I'm just in denial about relapsing. Two months ago, I was thriving. I was on top of the world. I had beat Ana (or so I thought.) Everything was looking up. Back in July when my doctor told me I had less than a year to live, I made that decision to go to treatment and live my life. Am I just staying with Ana because it's comfortable? Am I really not that terrified of letting this thing kill me? All of these unanswered questions. According to my doctors prediction, I would only have 6 months left from this point. I told T yesterday that I feel like this is what is going to kill me. Maybe not in 6 months, but eventually down the road. I'm reading this book called "Gaining." It's about her life after her eating disorder, but it's filled with so much I can relate to. It's really a great book. Well I am going to finish my coffee and get on with my day. Thank you all for the lovely comments on my last post. I plan to be writing poetry more often. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Finally a poem

Disclaimer: This poem doesn't reflect my wanting to give in, but something others can relate too. I haven't been able to write in a long time, and this just came to me. Enjoy.

The sky is beginning to darken and the wind is moving in. I sit in the corner sending prayers for safety, but no one is answering them. I have only one companion to keep me safe. Someone who keeps bringing me back to this place. Although she isn't physically here, I can still see her face. She tells me it will be alright, just as long as I listen to her. "Ignore the storm outside and all the terror it will stir." She tells me the smaller that I am, I will not be in the way. Maybe if I starve myself, today will be that day. The day that my world will come to an end. And she's my only friend. The cuts across my arms and thighs, are nothing compared to the lies. Or this silent room in which I cry. She wraps her arms around me, claiming to stay near. But when I look at her, it's everything I fear. The control she has over me, but claims she's doing what's best. Fighting to kill me and finally lay me to rest. 23 years old and buried six feet under. Can no longer hear the rain or thunder. Buried underneath a single red rose. Leaving behind everyone, but that's how death goes. I've decided to wave my white flag, give into this battle. Stop riding my horse of victory, climb off of that saddle. Take Ana's hand and walk with her towards the light. Because like she said before, there's nothing left to fight. She has already won, made me fade away. She has killed me inside and out every single day. I will no longer hurt the ones who mean the most to me. I wonder if they will miss me, even to a small degree. Who will show up and cry tears or sadness, as my body burns to ashes. When I'm gone, I will only be a memory, a girl who never got to be free. I was another statistic of a girl starving herself to death, only to forget to take that one last breath. So when I'm gone, remember who I was before all of this. Remember I am free to live in eternal bliss. I will no longer live with this disease, I can get back on my feet and off my knees. For they are too scraped up to keep moving on, I'm pulling away, becoming withdrawn. I don't leave behind a legacy, only a memory, so please don't forget me.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I have done it again... Triggering

Well first off let's start with my appointments I had today. Last week when I saw my dietitian, I was up two pounds than I was today. Yeah, I've lost 2lbs in one week. I was hoping that I was at least maintaining. But the restricting is probably playing a part in it. "No shit it's the restricting. You might as well mention the purging as well." Sigh... Yes, I did it. I can't be anymore disappointed in myself than I am right now. It just happened. I was overcome with Ana and I wasn't myself anymore. I got up from that table and just walked to the bathroom in a daze, fully aware that I wasn't Katie, I was Ana. It was so easy. It's like it hasn't been long at all since the last time I stuck my fingers down my throat. But I can't go backwards. I can't let this happen after I eat every time, or I'm going to keep drastically losing weight. My dietitian wants me to research the health risk factors of being under 90lbs. She said that she wants me to at least maintain between today and our next appointment, but she said that I might go back down again. I had to sign my contract with her today saying that I won't skip appointments, I will try to manage over 1,000 calories a day and I will do my research. So now I have homework for my therapist and dietitian. I should probably get on top of that. And go start dinner. Sorry for a scattered post. I hope everyone is doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Monday, December 3, 2012

Grocery Shopping

Why do I buy things that I know I will not eat? Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I'm convinced that I will just stop caring and eat it. Like the damn chocolate muffins that now sit in my pantry. What was I thinking? Everything I bought for me was based on the calories. I haven't been this bad in months. I got 30cal almond milk for cereal that I probably won't allow myself to eat. It's been entirely too long since I've had breakfast. My meal plan is stuck to my fridge. But Ana ignores it every time I open the door. I also bought pumpkin baking mix to make pumpkin bread that everyone else will eat but I won't touch. As I stand there pulling things off the shelves and looking at the calories of every item, people pass me and look at me like I have a huge sign on my back that says "Anorexic." Not saying that I don't judge as well. If I see a really skinny girl in the grocery store, I automatically look in her basket. If she has things like me, then I assume she has an eating disorder as well. I actually had these two ladies pass me in the store today as I was admiring calories and one whispered to the other, "Yeah, like she needs to be counting calories." I find comments like that rude. Don't assume that I read the nutrition labels on things to amount up to a superficial standard of skinny. This goes way deeper than that. I need to amount up to my standards. Unfortunately those are usually impossible to reach, but I'll try anyway. This is killing me. Not only physically, but emotionally as well. I want nothing more than to wake up in the morning and my eating disorder be gone. Something I don't have to dwell on every moment of the day. Today is just a rough day, and I'm not even sure why. It's almost 2pm and I have had nothing to eat. This restricting is getting out of hand again and I can't afford to go back down to 84lbs. And the last time I weighed myself, I was only 9lbs away from that. I have my family and kids to think about. I wish it was that easy. I wish that every time I went to go eat something that my thoughts were on what I could lose in life instead of the amount of calories the food has in it. I've been trying to listen to my recovery CD in efforts of making myself feel better, but that's not working. I just want to sleep until my eating disorder has vanished. Time for me to go get my son from school. Hope everyone is doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, December 2, 2012

9 questions from Miss Bones Jackson

I was nominated again for another liebster blog award by Miss Bones Jackson over at My way to beauty. So here are my answers:
1: What did you want to be when you were 8 years old? When I was younger, I wanted to be a vet. Then two years later that changed to writer.
2: Do you have pets? I have 3 dogs and a hamster.
3: What do you like about your life? My family. My kids. My friends.
4: What would you do, if by waking up tomorrow, your ED would have been gone? The first thing I would do is drink a big glass of OJ and then go out to eat with my love.
5: Which person(s) do you never want to leave your side? First of all, I don't ever want to lose T. He is such an important part in my life. Then there are my kids, and my mom. And my best friends.
6: What is your favorite color? My favorite colors are pink and black, but they have to be together.
7: What does your exercise routine look like? I don't currently have one because I'm not suppose to exercise until I put on another 10lbs.
8: Do you live alone or with friends or family? I live with my boyfriend and our three kids.
9: What makes you sad? When the people I love put themselves down.

Hope everyone is doing well. I will properly update later.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Pink Hair

So this is my new hair. What do you think? Gosh, I look so big in this picture though.
So moving on... I was right about being weighed on Wednesday. Went and saw Kim, only to be told that I went down 3lbs. Yeah, 93lbs. Now I'm tapping into the weight that I put on in treatment. I'm only 9lbs away from my lowest weight. Everyone seems pretty disappointed in me. I'm pretty disappointed in me. I can't let go of this evil eating disorder. It's tearing me up from the inside, out. I went and saw my doctor again yesterday. Two more medications and upping a dosage on one. They are trying to find the perfect anxiety medication so I can eat without having a total meltdown. We are having friends over for dinner tonight. So time to put my brave face on and eat in front of others. I love my hair this color. I wanted to do something different. Change the way I look, again. I shocked a few people when they saw it last night. My blood pressure is starting to go back down again. It was 92/53 yesterday. But my heart rate was good. I see my therapist today. She's going to be disappointed in me as well. I've been showing more of my nervous habits as of lately. The inside of my mouth is torn apart from chewing on it. My nails hurt because I've chewed them so short. And smoking a lot. I guess it's bound to happen. So nothing much more to say. I hope everyone is having a great day. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I want to know what it's like

I found this video on a friend's facebook page. It hit so close to home in so many different ways, so I thought I would share it with you.

It nearly made me cry.

Facebook page

You know, we have a sweet little community on here. All the ladies whose blogs I follow, and who follow me. I was thinking maybe we could create a private group facebook page where we can talk to each other, or maybe a chat website. If you think this is a good idea, then I can create it and then you can email me your fb email and I could send you a request. If you think this is a terrible idea, lol, just let me know. Much love.

Color blind?

The sunset is pink to the 20 people surrounding me. I see it as blue. Everyone else insists that I'm not seeing it the way that it actually is. This is how it is with me. Everyone else sees me as underweight, or perfect. I see myself as overweight and filled with flaws. So just like with the sunset, maybe I'm (color) blind. T says that I have to adjust my way of thinking. That Ana isn't real and that I need to take back control over MY mind. At this point, I am terrified that if I keep going the way that I have been, especially this past week, that I am going to end back up where I was before I went to treatment. I know I've lost weight. I'm guessing two or so pounds. Which would put me at 93 or 94lbs. I see my dietitian in an hour. Then I will know for sure. But she is not going to be happy with me. Last time I saw her, she told me that if I didn't start gaining weight that she was going to be forced to stop seeing me. I guess this is supposed to motivate me to put on some weight. But for some reason, Ana just can't comprehend that. I don't understand how this imaginative person that I created so many years ago, has so much control over everything I do. I told T that maybe I just don't have what it takes for recovery. Maybe I just don't know how. Then he pointed to my meal plan and told me that it was written right there in black and white. God, I wish it was so simple. I wish that I could walk into the kitchen when I'm hungry and grab an apple and just eat it, instead of walking away feeling empty and Ana feeling satisfied. This past week has been difficult. I have skipped both breakfast and lunch and then barely any dinner. I'm pretty sure I've stayed under 500cal everyday. This isn't right. I have a family, friends, and people who love me that I need to be here for. But instead, I'm so wrapped up in my own mind and trying to make Ana happy, that I'm blinded from what's really important. I think T is at the end of his rope with all of this. I'm afraid he is going to give up on me and realize that maybe I am just a lost cause. That's what I feel I am. Like why do people keep trying to convince me to gain weight and be healthy, when the voice of Ana is so much louder? Do I feel like if she isn't happy, then no one is? That's can't be it seeing as she seems very pleased with me this last week, but everyone else and myself are not happy. Like I told T, I am happy in all other aspects of my life, I am happy. But when it comes to how I feel and see myself, I'm unhappy and miserable. So this is where I'm going to say that I am going to buckle down and just do what needs to be done to make my way towards recovery. It's a new day, right? Much love.
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

liebster blog award

I have just been nominated for the liebster blog award by the lovely Rayya over at Beyond the Looking Glass. Thank you so much sweetheart.

Rules:- When you receive the award, thank the person who gave it to you, and include their link in your blog.

- Post 11 things about yourself.

- Answer the 11 questions of the person who nominated you.

- Choose up to 11 bloggers

- Create 11 questions for your nominees!

- Inform the nominees of their nomination.

11 things about me:
   1: I was born and raised in Colorado
   2: I have 3 dogs named Sarah, Zoey and Hyrum
   3: I'm a Virgo
   4: My first name is Katherine but I hate being called it
   5: I have a kitty that lives at my dads. He's 14 and his name is Tiger
   6: My best friends are girls I have known for 11 years
   7: I hate lima beans
   8: Dr. Pepper is my favorite soda
   9: My favorite place to visit is family back in Tennessee
  10: My kids are my whole life

11 Questions Rayya had for me:
   1: Tell me the weirdest thing you can about yourself.  I don't know if I have any weird talents or anything, but I chew the inside of my mouth to the point of bleeding when I'm anxious.
   2: If you could only paint your nails one color forever, what would it be?  Seeing as I chew my nails, I would choose hot pink for my toe nails.
   3: If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? First thing I would do is buy my mom a small cabin up in the mountains. Then I would buy T the gun of his choice. Then I would take my boys shopping for the ultimate cool toy. And then I would put the rest into savings.
   4: What is your favorite season and why?  I would have to say summer. I enjoy the warmth. I am not a cold weather person at all.
   5: What is your favorite part of your body and why?  I don't think I can answer this one. I don't have a favorite.
   6: Are you in recovery or suffering from your ED?  I'm in the middle. A lot of parts are pulling me towards recovery, and other parts are still keeping me with my ED.
   7: What are your lifelong goals you hope to achieve?  I would love to be a professional writer. Whether it be poetry, or stories. I just love to write.
   8: Tell me something you realistically want to achieve before the end of the year.  I hope to succeed at my new job and move up on the chain.
   9: Who is your favorite person in the world and why?  It's a tie between T and my mom. Both are so very supportive in everything that I do and have always been here for me.
   10: What is your favorite item of clothing?  Shoes hands down. Mostly boots. You can wear them even in the summer with cute summer dresses.
   11: If I could give you a ticket to go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?  I would love to go to Italy. Learn about my heritage and see all the beautiful historical places.

11 Questions for my nominees to answer:
   1: What is your favorite childhood memory?
   2: What is the name for your first kid when you have them?
   3: What is your favorite style to wear your hair in?
   4: Mac or PC?
   5: Do you have pets? If so, how many and what kind?
   6: What is your nervous habit?
   7: Who is your best friend and why?
   8: What color would you choose to paint your room?
   9: Where is your dream vacation?
   10: What is your favorite genre of movies?
   11: What kind of music do you listen to?

Bloggers I am nominating:
Little Miss Thin
Loopy Lucie

I'm sorry if I forgot anyone. I know I did. I still love you =)

Monday, November 26, 2012

A blast from the past

Sitting there, I had shame upon my face. I was tired of being picked on all the time but I just couldn't stop eating. I enjoyed food. I loved the way it made me feel. But this feeling of self hatred was worse.
I remember the first time I decided not to eat to help me lose weight. I was 11. I was considered "overweight" and short, and not very pretty at all. If I wanted boys to look at me, if I wanted more friends, then something was going to have to change. The friends that I did have were all perfect in my eyes. Tall, skinny, and boys liked them. There was this one boy who I had a crush on. I asked him to go to the dance with me, in turn he told me he wasn't going. OK, I was fine with that. Up until he asked my best friend to the dance. That was in 5th grade.
6th grade, it all got worse. The attention that I did get, wasn't the right attention. I had boobs and most of the other girls did not. Somehow I knew that the looks were not of affection, but of lust. I was still chunky, but no longer the biggest girl in our grade. I had made a few more friends, all of them filled with joy, laughter, and skinny bodies. I remember Halloween that year. I wore a costume that had as much covering as I could possibly get, while my friends all wore cheerleader or other revealing outfits. No way, not for me.
14 years old. I slid my fingers down my throat for the first time. It was such a freeing feeling. The thought that I could eat whatever I wanted because in the end, I could just throw it up. The guy I was with didn't let me eat much anyway, because he didn't want me to become plump.
Started cutting at 15. Now between restricting and purging, I added cutting into the mixture. Being in an abusive relationship for 3 years can do some damage to you. Take away your self worth, your will to be alive, your friends and family, and any bit of self esteem you had left. Now I was this empty shell waiting for my time to come.
16; add a pregnancy and a baby into it all. A baby that I loved with all of my heart but knew that I wasn't capable of giving him the life he needed. A baby that went to a new family shortly after he was born. One less person to see me put myself through the stuff I was enduring.
At 18, another baby. But this time I was more stable. I was still in a downward spiral of my eating disorder, but I felt confident enough to raise my child. The light of my life. My reason to keep fighting.
20 years old. Married and another baby on the way. I was at my highest weight. I was taking diet pill constantly before I got pregnant. I didn't want to gain anymore weight.
After I had my youngest is when it all came flying back into my face. Restricting, lying, purging, laxatives; repeat. This has been my life. I've restricted when I could. Lied when I felt someone couldn't handle the truth. Purging every calorie that went into my body. And taking up to 15 laxatives a day. Before I went to treatment in September, I couldn't get off the floor by myself. I couldn't lift my son up to put him in his crib by myself. 84lbs was my rock bottom.
Gaining weight doesn't make you feel better. It doesn't mean you're healed from this terrible monster. Gaining weight puts you closer to a healthier life. But as long as you live with those voices in your head, as long as you give into something they have said, as long as you let this disease control you, you are not recovered. Having a healthy body and a healthy state of mind are two different things. Here I am, 10lbs up from my lowest weight, and those thoughts, voices, actions, still control my every move. Only when I can get up in the morning and truly love myself, will I be on the way to recovery. When I can look in the mirror and not see myself as fat, then I will be on my way. Until then, I have to utilize the tools I have and the support system I have and make steps everyday to get there. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving and an argument

I sat there in a tiny ball in the corner of my bathroom. I had been sitting there for 15 minutes arguing with Ana about whether or not I should purge my Thanksgiving dinner.
Ana: "I'm making you sit here because you know you should purge."
Me: "I only about 550 calories for dinner."
Ana: "Yeah, that's 250 more than you promised me you would have."
Me: "Yes, but I didn't eat all day before that."
Ana: "Just do it pansy. They all think you're doing it anyway."
Me: " They can tell whether or not I do it just by my eyes."
Ana: "If you don't purge, then you don't deserve anything else for the rest of the evening."
Me: "But there's still pie. Just a small piece."
Ana: "I swear if you do, you better fast tomorrow."
Me: "Fine. But I'm telling T about the laxies."
Ana: "Fucking bitch."
And I did. I told him that I didn't purge, but I did engage in other behaviors. I told him I used laxies today because I knew that I was going to have a major freak out over all of the food. He was upset, but we talked it through and in the end, he is probably a bit disappointed, but we overcame it. At least I hope so. So I had the pie. I regretted it right away. My plate had such a small amount on it, but yet, so many calories. I counted every single one as I put the fork into my mouth. I made a huge amount of deviled eggs because they go so fast in this house, and I did so good at resisting and not having one. I knew that if I had one, that it would turn into another, and so on and so forth.
On another note, I only have four Ambien left. I won't see the doctor until next week. Damn it. Taking those gives me a sense of security. Knowing that I won't be up with my nagging thoughts. But if I don't have them, what kind of trouble will my mind get me into? I'm also reading about Hypnosis and eating disorders. From what I've read, the individual needs to be willing to give up that control before the hypnosis can even begin. That's a scary thought. To know that there is a possibility that when you wake up from the hypnosis that you might not care whether or not you stuff your face. To not have that awareness of BMI or calories anymore. That's intimidating. Ruby did a post on going back in the past and whether or not you would change anything. I might get into that in my next post. I hope everyone in the U.S. had a great Thanksgiving, and I hope everyone else had a wonderful day. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Pill cocktail anyone?

I am on so many medications that I might as well just have them for dinner. There's enough in there to fill me up, and hey, less calories. I went to a new doctor this past week. She upped my dosage on one of my medications, started me on two more for anxiety, and is going to add another in a couple weeks for my depression. My anxiety came back right after my other doctor took me off my main anxiety medication about a month ago, and I'm tired of living with anxiety about everything, so I needed to do something about it. I was weighed. Still at 96lbs. Well at least I was on Thursday. Pretty sure it's gone up since then. I've been trying to stick to my meal plan and I'm pretty sure I've gained at least 3lbs. Which would be okay if it wasn't over the course of a few days. And this week is Thanksgiving. Ugh. I'm not going to be weighed this week neither. Damn it.
I'm sorry that I've been absent the last week or so. I promise I will get back to commenting and reading. This is going to be a short post. Hope everyone is doing okay. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

A brutally honest post

So first off, I am going to apologize for how negative this post might be. Last night writing in my journal, I learned that I will say things in there and not put them on here in fear of everyone being disappointed in me. Secondly, just because I'm writing like this tonight, doesn't mean I feel this way all the time. Just in the last few days. And finally, I'm writing this to hold me accountable. I need to get it all out and be done with it. It's honest, and there may a few people upset with how I feel currently, but do know that I am doing my best at recovery. OK, here we go...
I feel nothing short of a fat cow. My eating disorder has done nothing but beat me down these past few days. I can't even eat something that is around 200 calories without feeling completely guilty about it. I DO have an overwhelming urge to purge my food, but haven't given into it. I can't get dressed in front of my mirror because I can't stand what I see. I am trying so very hard to see how "beautiful" I am, all the things about me that make me unique and what not, but I just don't see it. I don't see what everyone else sees. Just like no one sees things in my perspective. Most people look at me and may think that I'm underweight or perfectly skinny, but in no way do I see this. All I can do is pick out every single imperfection about me. My hair is too frizzy and entirely too short now. My eyes and lips are too small and my nose is freaking huge. My face and neck are covered in blemishes. My arms are too jiggly. My stomach and thighs are huge and have stretch marks on them. My calves are gigantic and I have ugly feet. My boobs are too small and my ass is too fat. As a mom, I should be proud of my stretch marks. They prove that I did something special. But to me, they are just another thing on my body that doesn't belong. I see moms all the time with no stretch marks and I'm always jealous. 
Went and got family pictures today. Out of 69 shots, I can almost find something wrong with the way I look in all of them. Don't get me wrong, they were great photos, but I feel like I've gained too much weight and of course you can see it all in my face. T and the kids looked great. We got some great photos of all of us, some of just the kids, and some of just T and I. I would post a couple on here so everyone could see them, but I'm a bit embarrassed. But we got Christmas cards to send out, so I'm happy about that.
I apologize for the way this post came out, but I realized that I need to be comfortable writing something here just like I do in my journal, or else there's no reason to keep it. I have good days and I have bad days. Right now I am under a storm cloud and I'm waiting for the rainbow to show itself to me. Recovery is not out of my reach, I'm just not currently touching it. Ana tends to be a bit loud and distracting and sometimes I don't put enough effort to make that extra leap towards the end of all of this. Under the storm cloud, Ana is jumping in the puddles having a great time, while I sit under a tree trying not to get struck by lightning. This too shall pass and it will stop raining soon. This goes for everyone that is struggling with your eating disorder. We need to have patience and know that it won't ever go away for good, but we can put it in the back of our closets. Alright, that's my rant. Hope everyone is having a good day/night. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, November 11, 2012

7 new followers this week

I can't express how excited I am to have all of my new followers. To be honest, I thought when I started a pro recovery blog, I was going to lose a lot of my support on here. So thank you for taking interest in my journey.
So my latest update isn't the best. After my last post about needing a scale so I could just weigh myself once, I did it. It was straight "junkie thinking." I paid my neighbor kid 5 dollars to let me use his scale just so I could the number. I am ashamed of myself for going to that extreme just so I could be let down. If that number went up, then everyone would be proud of me. I would have people telling me what a good job I am doing. If that number went down, then there would be a lot of people pissed off at me for not trying harder. So I guess my result that I got was neither. That number stayed the same. Still 96lbs. Meaning I have been out of treatment for a little bit over a month now and I have only gained a pound. Ana is happy about this. And I guess in reality, she's winning. I'm fighting, but not well enough. I went to support group on Thursday. It was pretty emotional for me. Then I had my individual therapy on Friday. I cried. I feel like that I am failing as a mom. My oldest has some issues that I have been trying so hard to work through with his therapist and with him, but over the past week, more things have come up and now this coming week I have to have his therapist talk to him by herself for the first time to see if he will disclose anything to her that he wouldn't in front of me. A mother's worst nightmare. Sigh.
This weekend has been decent. Yesterday was a pretty motivating day until about 3pm. I went to a friend's baby shower. It was so much fun. We played games, got to enjoy presents, and eat.... Cake... This is about when I had my freak out. We didn't have to go up and get a piece ourselves. Her friend brought everyone a piece. So I felt obligated to eat it. Stupid fucking sweets, I swear. I was able to share half of it with my youngest, but the part that I did eat, was all icing. I can't help it. After that, I couldn't stop beating myself up. Over one small piece of cake damn it. I can't wait for the day until I can go to a social gathering as such and be able to be normal like everyone else. Not have my heart beating so hard that it's going to fall our of my chest. Or start sweating because my anxiety is through the roof. So after the shower, I had to drive home and it was snowing so bad. What normally would have been like a half hour trip took me close to an hour. I got lost. Thank God I have 4 wheel drive this winter. I talked to T when I got home about the cake and how upset I was at myself for eating it. Then when it came to dinner, I had no interest in making anything. I didn't want to smell food, touch food, let alone eat food. Finally I gave in and made myself some soup and sandwich. I also decided to be brave and drink my boost with dinner. Bad idea. I got really sick to my stomach and ended up vomiting my whole dinner. Notice I said vomit, not purge. For the first time, as long as I can remember, I didn't have to force myself to. I was sick the rest of the night.
I'm stressing about the weeks to come. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!! That's all it is. I expressed to T that I just want to skip Thanksgiving all together, but that's not going to happen. This is my first real test since being in treatment. I will make dinner for myself and everyone on Thanksgiving, and I will eat as well as I can without any behaviors. That's the promise to myself. And tonight for dinner, chicken and biscuits in the crock pot. Yeah, I'm pretty excited. I may not eat a whole servings worth, but I will do my best. Thank you all for the love and support. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I need a scale!!

This getting weighed only once a week is driving me insane. I miss my scale. I know T got rid of it because it would just enable me, but I'm not sure that is the case anymore. I need to know if I'm succeeding at this weight gain thing or failing miserably. That's how I feel. I feel like I suck at recovery. I can't stop beating myself up, I'm drinking tea and coffee like it's going out of style. I'm working on my 4th cup of coffee. I put pumpkin creamer in this one. OMG is it amazing. I will probably have another cup of coffee on my way to support group. My best friend and I are riding up together tonight. Yay. I watched a very interesting documentary about Dana, the 8 year old anorexic. Thank you so much ruby for recommending it. It was so sad to see this girl in an eating disorder state of mind at such a young age. And how all of the thoughts and behaviors that she had are just like mine. On the outside, a lot of people don't understand why we are the way we are. And like they said in the documentary, I have two people inside of my head. One is myself, the other is Ana. Ana is a controlling bitch. She's mean, she is deceitful, but she also knows me the best. She has always been there for me, and always stood by my side. Unfortunately, it was only to benefit her. All the things she has told me through the years have turned out to be lies. But yet, I still listen to her at times. She still tells me what is good for me and what is going to make me hate myself later. It's a vicious circle with her. When I first got home from treatment, I didn't have a problem eating my snacks or indulging in sweets every once in awhile, but now, I am trying my hardest to stay away from anything sweet. All I can think about is what I looked like before I lost all my weight and it scares me. I don't want to get back up there. I think I'm good where I'm at. I have curves again, but not near as big as they used to be. I know that my ideal weight is 110lbs. I could get there easily if I wouldn't give into these thoughts. If I wouldn't believe Ana when she tells me I am getting fat or that my tummy is disgusting. And I feel so lazy. I had the perfect opportunity to go to the gym today and work out. I didn't have either one of the boys and I had a couple hours to myself. But instead of going to the gym, I cleaned the whole house and did laundry. And sat on my ass and read blogs. I'm going to gain weight like crazy unless I can get motivated to do something. Ugh, I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I felt like venting. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Monday, November 5, 2012

Recovery focused day

Yesterday I woke up in a great mood. I am proud to say that I ate all 3 meals and all 3 snacks and didn't even give my eating disorder a single moment of my time. I had a very productive day of cleaning the whole house and then my car. It helps keep me distracted and makes everything more manageable. Then T and I made a huge pot of spaghetti sauce for last nights dinner and to freeze for future meals. It was nice to do it together and I enjoy making it and not buying it so that way I know what is going into it. I served the spaghetti with garlic bread and I even ate a piece. Most definitely not one of my safe foods but I pushed past it anyway. I am thinking about writing a letter to my therapist from treatment and letting her know how I'm doing and maybe send her a picture of the boys and I. Ugh, pictures. I need to get those done this month so I can get together Christmas cards. With this stupid time change, the boys are not adjusting very well. They were up before I was this morning, so I didn't even get a moment to myself for a cigarette quietly. But my oldest is at school and my youngest will be going down for a nap here soon, and then T and I are going to work out. I'm pretty excited because I haven't worked out in so long besides doing the ab wheel. Let me tell you, that thing is killing my abs so good lol. I am bound and determined to get rid of this belly fat and put the weight back on where I want it. I want to find a used stationary bike so that way I can work on my legs as well. I still have the gap, but it's very small. I don't want to go back to having legs where I don't feel comfortable in shorts again. One part of me is like, "You worked so hard to achieve the body you wanted, so why undo it all?" The other part of me is, "You are not getting fat, you are getting healthier, which will help you in the zombie apocalypse more." Sorry, watching too much The Walking Dead. That show is absolutely amazing and the way they just left last night, I don't wanna wait a whole week for another episode. If you haven't watched the show, you need to. But start from the beginning, otherwise you will be very confused. One more thing, thank you to my 3 new followers I got this week. Everyone's love and support puts a smile on my face. Much love.

Friday, November 2, 2012

I wish this was easy

Talk about over controlling eating disorder thoughts. They have been constantly racing through my head all day. "Don't eat that. It will make you fat." "You know you want to purge your dinner because you most definitely at way too much." "Look at all these pictures of models and hate yourself even more." Yes, I have spent the last half hour looking at pictures of models because they are so gorgeous. Those girls in Playboy are freaking perfect and I hate it. Why can't I be perfect? I've been trying to keep myself distracted so I don't go into the bathroom and purge my dinner like my eating disorder wants me to. I saw my therapist today. She has so much faith in me that I will beat this and I don't have to engage in behaviors. But like T pointed out last night. I am engaging in behaviors when I eat my meals but don't eat the amount of calories I need to. And in my eyes, I feel like I ate way too much dinner but in his eyes, he said I barely ate anything. He went back to work after dinner and being here alone with just my oldest is so very tempting. But I haven't given in yet. I went to my first support group since I left treatment last night. It was nice to be able to talk to other girls struggling and my best friend is also in that group, so that was nice. I also hung out with her for a few hours today and we got to have a deep conversation for the first time in a long while. I've missed her. I am doing grocery shopping tomorrow and for the first time in a long time, I am feeling high anxiety about it. I feel like I need to do a grocery list and actually stick to it so I don't have a major freak out at the store tomorrow. I've found myself looking at the calories on things again, but not really letting it affect whether I eat it or not. I just feel like I need to know how many calories are in it. So I think I am going to go and do my grocery list so I can avoid having that anxiety attack tomorrow. Have a good night.
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Top 10 myths about Anorexia

Living with an eating disorder is hard enough, but one of the things I can't stand the most is when people make comments about how if I just ate and stop paying so much attention in the mirror, then I could be free of it. I wish that was the case. Generally, people don't understand the dynamics of an eating disorder and when it's brought up, they use what the media has told them about eating disorders to talk to the person suffering with one. I'm here to tell you the top 10 myths on Anorexia and my personal experience with it.
Myth #1: "Individuals with anorexia are just trying to get attention."  Truth is, for so long I was quiet about my eating disorder that most of the people in my life didn't know. And the more people that do know about it now, I find myself getting irritated when that's all they can talk to me about. I didn't develop an eating disorder to get attention, I developed one because I was unhappy with myself. Most of the individuals that I've met with eating disorders don't like the attention they get from having one. For me, when I got to my lowest weight of 84lbs, I was embarrassed of the way I looked and I constantly wondered if people who passed by me in public could tell if I had an eating disorder and all the negative thoughts they were probably thinking about it. If you know someone with an eating disorder, don't make it the main focus in your relationship with them because more than likely, they feel uncomfortable talking about it with you all the time.
Myth #2: "Anorexia is about vanity. If a person with Anorexia says, 'I feel fat,' it is just to get compliments. I can't tell you how many times I have heard that one. "You're not fat. You're only saying it because you like the responses that you get from it." If an individual with an eating disorder says they feel fat, it's because in their mind, they really do. I know that I still find myself looking at myself in the mirror and really do believe that I am overweight. My logical brain knows I'm not overweight, but my eating disorder mind tells me I am. If you do compliment an individual with anorexia or bulimia or BED (binge eating disorder,) they will most likely not believe it, so why would they say things just to get compliments? I know for me, it just makes me uncomfortable most of the time.
Myth #3: "People choose to develop anorexia." An eating disorder is not a choice. One of the things I learned in treatment was that some people are just born with the disease and all it takes is a small diet or the mean comment from a peer at school that can trigger the eating disorder, or even trauma in that person's life. It was a combination for me. Kids at school picked on me because I hit puberty sooner than anyone else in my grade, and by the time I was 10, I had been molested by my older brother for 2 years and raped by my uncle. I found a documentary on TV about eating disorders and the more I thought about the subject, the more I kept thinking about how it would help with my problems. As I've learned since the beginning of treatment, an eating disorder is the coping mechanism for a deeper problem. And I have learned that to be true. The more stressed I am about something, the more eating disorder thoughts I have. It's the only thing I could control. Or so I thought. Anorexia is a mental illness that chooses us, we don't choose them.
Myth #4: "Eating disorders are mainly about food and weight." Like I said in #3, eating disorders are a way of coping with other issues. Restricting, binging, and purging are all ways of you to be able to control something in your life if you live with an eating disorder. I could control when I ate, when I purged and how much I wanted to eat. When my life was out of control with external forces, I still had my eating disorder and it was all mine. No one else could control it the way I could. Individuals with eating disorders use them for control. Control over calories. Control over the number on the scale. Most people with eating disorders don't even realize how sick they are despite what the numbers say. All they was is to have control. That's how it was and sometimes still is for me.
Myth #5: "Anorexia is a young, rich, white woman's problem."  Oh my God, where do I even start with this one? Being in treatment, I met all kinds of people with different kinds of eating disorders. I met 3 men, one with anorexia, one with bulimia and one with BED. I met girls that came from a home with money, I met girls who's family had enough money to get by. I met girls that came with a background of trauma and girls that didn't have a tough upbringing. I admit that the majority of people I know with eating disorders have a rough past. I know that I do. But usually it's a combination of things that cause the eating disorder. Movies and celebrity gossip shows have always spotlighted eating disorders on rich, white woman. They don't focus on men, or women with tough pasts.
Myth #6: "People with anorexia don't engage in binge eating."  Me personally, I'm not a binge eater. I think I've only partook in it a few times through all my years of living with my eating disorder. Generally if a person with anorexia does binge eat, they generally feel so guilty and angry with themselves, that they partake in bulimia behaviors; purging, using laxatives, or working out too much. For me, I engaged in these behaviors because of the type of eating disorder I have. I am is what's considered a "purging anorexic." A lot of people that don't know too much about eating disorders often generalize them into one category. There are so many different types of eating disorders and often there is a combination of a couple different ones within an individual. So what I'm saying is if you know someone with anorexia, they most likely have other eating disorder behaviors that they engage in.
Myth #7: "A person cannot have anorexia if they eat three meals a day."  Food restriction is not the only factor in anorexia. With me, it varies on the day. Some days I can go all day eating what's considered "normal" and other days I will still eat my 3 meals but restrict what I consume. I will restrict maybe calories or a type of food because it scares me. I have my "safe foods" that I can go days eating it in a row because I can control the amount of calories in it. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are a safe food for me. Red meat is something that I just can't do. An individual with an eating disorder may find foods that healthy to be unsafe foods. I know that with my eating disorder, I am terrified of eating apples, even though I know how good they are for me. The amount of calories in them scare me. Same with orange juice. So just because you see a friend or family member eating their 3 meals a day, doesn't mean that they aren't restricting what they eat in other ways. If you know someone with an eating disorder that is working towards recovery and they are restricting in different ways, approach them kindly and let them know that you've noticed. That works for me sometimes.
Myth #8: "You cannot die from anorexia if you exercise to keep your heart and body strong." Exercising is one of the most popular ways of "purging" when a person has an eating disorder. I learned when I was at my smallest weight that I couldn't even exercise because I was too weak. The people who mostly believe this myth is the individual with the eating disorder. They tell themselves that they are "not sick enough" to die from this disease. Normally their perception of themselves is so distorted that they don't see how skinny they are or how sick they look. I know that this was the case for me. It wasn't until I got back from treatment and I looked at my pictures from this summer that I realized how sick I really was. And it wasn't until my doctor told me that I had less than a year left to live if I continued with my eating disorder behaviors, that I realized that I really am going to die from my eating disorder. I had one leg in my grave and I was doing enough to get through each day. I couldn't stand up on my own. I couldn't go for a walks with my kids. If I would have gotten meningitis before I went to treatment, my doctor said there's a good chance I wouldn't have lived through it. It's divine intervention that I didn't get sick until I put some weight on and I was in a healthier state of mind.
Myth #9: "People with eating disorders always look underweight." Media often only shows the extreme cases of anorexia where the individual looks like they are on their death bed. Sometimes that is the case. Like I said above, I looked sick. I looked like I was on the verge of losing everything. When I was in my active bulimia, my cheeks appeared chunky because of the constant purging I was doing. Often when a person is purging, they are still not "getting rid of" every single calorie they consumed. If an individual partakes in binge eating, they will overeat because they know that there will be some sort of purging involved. For me, I would eat either a normal amount of calories or under eat, then I would purge or use laxatives anyway. Then there are people with BED which is a quite serious eating disorder because of the different health risks it brings that you might not get with anorexia or bulimia. Living with an eating disorder for over half of my life, I found myself judging overweight people at some point. Until I met girls with BED and how their eating disorder thoughts are so much like mine, but they just have a different way of coping with it. Don't assume that a person doesn't have an eating disorder just because they are not rail thin.
Myth #10: "Anorexia is just a phase." I've heard many parents, teachers and counselors say this when I was younger. Sometimes the individual will say it to themselves. Convincing themselves that they will use these behaviors just long enough to get to a "goal weight" only to learn that it's not that simple. Those eating disorder thoughts worm their way to your very core and it consumes you faster than you could imagine. Often parents who suspect that their child has eating disorder behaviors tell themselves and others that it's just a phase and don't take it seriously. Truth is that eating disorders can start as young as age 8 and that parents should look for any signs that their child could possible be developing an eating disorder. Below I've listed signs that someone you love is suffering or develping an eating disorder:
The following symptoms and behaviors are common in people with anorexia:
  • Dramatic weight loss
  • Wearing loose, bulky clothes to hide weight loss
  • Preoccupation with food, dieting, counting calories, etc.
  • Refusal to eat certain foods, such as carbs or fats
  • Avoiding mealtimes or eating in front of others
  • Preparing elaborate meals for others but refusing to eat them
  • Exercising excessively
  • Making comments about being “fat”
  • Stopping menstruating
  • Complaining about constipation or stomach pain
  • Denying that extreme thinness is a problem
The following are common signs of bulimia:
  • Evidence of binge eating, including disappearance of large amounts of food in a short time, or finding lots of empty food wrappers or containers
  • Evidence of purging, including trips to the bathroom after meals, sounds or smells of vomiting, or packages of laxatives or diuretics
  • Skipping meals or avoiding eating in front of others, or eating very small portions
  • Exercising excessively
  • Wearing baggy clothes to hide the body
  • Complaining about being “fat”
  • Using gum, mouthwash, or mints excessively
  • Constantly dieting
  • Scarred knuckles from repeatedly inducing vomiting
Common signs of binge eating disorder include:
  • Evidence of binge eating, including disappearance of large amounts of food in a short time, or finding lots of empty food wrappers or containers
  • Hoarding food, or hiding large quantities of food in strange places
  • Wearing baggy clothes to hide the body
  • Skipping meals or avoiding eating in front of others
  • Constantly dieting, but rarely losing weight
   *Courtesy of WebMd

I hope that this gave you a better perspective and more information on eating disorders than you had at the beginning. Eating disorders are a serious disease that has the highest mortality of any mental illness. It's something that 24 million people of any race, religion, background, age and sex deal with in the US alone. Only 1 in 10 men and women receive treatment for their eating disorders. I got to be that lucky 1 that got the opportunity and blessing to experience treatment first hand and it gave me such a better outlook on my life and other people's lives with eating disorders. Please feel free to share this and get the word out about eating disorders. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Living with migraines

I swear this is the worse pain I've ever had to deal with. As most of you know, I was admitted to the hospital a couple weeks ago for them and they thought that it was meningitis, but the migraines are continuing. T thinks it's stress. I'm not even sure anymore. Even today, when I've had a good day, my head is killing me. Last night it was as bad as it was the day I went to the hospital. With the migraines, it makes it difficult to do anything. It makes it hard to eat. Which in turn triggers my eating disorder. I've done good since my last post and I've at all 3 meals each day. I haven't been able to journal in awhile. I haven't taken any time to myself. I'm just trying to stay busy all the time so I'm not concentrating on my eating disorder thoughts. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to find out how large my cyst is this time. It's causing me a lot of pain and I'm so over it. I'm over being drug down by pain all the time. I have decided that I am going to go back through my binder from EDC and read some of the stuff I worked on during treatment. And go through my recovery toolbox and utilize what I have in there to help with how I'm feeling lately. I am going to read my Relapse Prevention Plan and focus on the things that I've gained since being in treatment. I can't lose sight of what's important. I talked to a friend of mine today that I haven't talked to in quite awhile and she told me that she thought a couple months ago that she would be attending my funeral next year with the way I was going. This breaks my heart that I never took notice to how many people actually cared about me and wanted me to fight. Now I see that. I see all the supportive people I have in my life and my reasons to live. My boys, my family, T, and my life is a reason for me to keep fighting. I've also realized that I am not going to get what I want from people who don't want me in their life. I've been trying to connect with my dad again. Trying to get together so we can discuss our fight and whether or not we are going to get past all of this, but he's not showing interest. I've made the first calls, I've made the suggestion we get together, but it's going unheard. And I'm working on accepting that. I can't make him love me. I can't make anyone want me in their life. So I am going to embrace myself and work on what I need to do to be successful for my needs, not his. I'm not making anymore phone calls. I'm not making anymore suggestions. It's in his hands now, and I need to accept that. I've always strived for his love and wanted him to love me like a father is supposed to, but I need to realize that I've got so many people around me that love me and need me in their lives. This is going to take awhile, but I know I will get there eventually. I'm talking to my doctor again this week about my migraines and explain to him how they're not getting better. And I'm going to a support group as well this weekend. So I'm moving in the right direction. I will see the brighter side of all of this. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Friday, October 26, 2012

Recovery is hard

I guess I didn't anticipate recovery being so difficult. This past week has been particularly hard. I can't seem to figure out why I'm having such a hard time. I feel uncomfortable in my body. I feel uncomfortable eating. Last week when I went to the doctor, I was up 3lbs since I've left treatment. I was so proud of myself. But my ED has been loud and telling me that I'm just getting fatter each day. I went to the OB today and got weighed... I lost a pound from last week. I'm back down to 97lbs. I am so disappointed in myself. How can I let this happen when I've been doing so good? I haven't been purging or using laxies, but I've been cutting back at meals and skipping my snacks. I just feel out of my body. Like I'm watching myself get bigger and bigger. The last time I weighed close to this was at the beginning of June when I discontinued my other blog. I still have people commenting on that blog, but I don't go and read the posts because I find them too triggering. Looking back and realizing that I would go an entire day eating only 300 calories is hard to comprehend. I know that I eat way more than that in a day now, and it doesn't affect me like it used to, but certain things do still scare me when it comes to calories. Last night we went to the buffet for T's dad's birthday and I feel like I overdid it. Well my eating disorder tells me that I ate too much. In reality, I probably ate what I'm supposed to at dinner. I know one of the things that is steering me a bit away from recovery is going back to old routine with the kids and appointments. I have 3-5 appointments for me a week and 1-2 appointments for my oldest a week. His dad is being very absent in his life, so I've been working on his behavioral problems by myself. But I am loving having him in Kindergarten. He has been learning so much and so fast since the start of the year. Since parent/teacher conferences happened while I was in treatment, I had one with his teacher today where we went over his testing from the beginning of the year, and all the progress he has made. She is already talking about moving him up a reading level. And his math level is that of a 1st grader. It makes me proud of him and proud of myself that the work I've been doing with him since I got back is working out well. He is a big stress in my life, but I know that at the end of my recovery, I will be able to be fully aware of my surroundings and how to help those around me. I know the my ED voice is stressing T out as well, so I've been trying to keep it to myself. Some days are easier than others. He still continues to call me beautiful several times a day, and when my ED talks to him, he makes me aware of it. After my appointment this morning, I made sure that I ate lunch and my afternoon snack. I just have to pull my head out of my ass and realize what I have to live for. I am going to finish dinner. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Time to refocus

Ever since I have been back from treatment, I feel like I have been a walking zombie. It's no doubt all the medication I am on. My heart is happy, my life is happy, but on the outside, people keep wondering if there is something wrong with me. I don't like being in this state of mind. Plus lately, all I can think about is failure. What if I mess up? What if I end up losing weight instead of putting it back on? In reality, I know that isn't true. Me jeans are getting tighter and my face is filling out a lot more. Normally, this would have made me happy. To show me that I am moving in the right direction. But the last few days, all I can think about is me getting fatter. I need to refocus right now before I slip back into my eating disorder. I've decided that I am slowly going to start taking myself off of one of my anti anxiety medications since I know that was a huge difference they made while I was in treatment. I see my doctor tomorrow, and of course I will talk to him about it. But I just feel like I'm falling backwards. I can't let that happen. I am no doubt over 100lbs by now. But why does this number freak me out all of a sudden? Just a few weeks ago, I was ready for 110lbs. I just feel like Ana's voice is getting louder again. I need it to stop. I'm still eating well and according to my meal plan, but now it just feels like an obligation for me. I don't really feel like eating, but I do it because I know that my body needs it. But that isn't enough. I have to want this. I think taking myself off of some of my medications and taking time to myself each day is what I need. I also want to take time to spend with God more. Even if it's 20 minutes a day in prayer, or reading a chapter out of the Bible, I feel like my relationship with God needs to grow. I feel He is the one who will help pull me out of the rubble of my eating disorder and put me back on top. I haven't had any relapses, or any slips, minus that small one in the hospital, but I can't help but think about whether or not I am going to fail. There is so much I could lose if I slip back into my eating disorder. Right now I feel like I need to be on my best behavior seeing as I just got out of treatment. I feel like everyone expects me to be doing awesome and totally recovered. But right now, I feel like I'm still living with it. Maybe I always will too? I know that body image is one of the last things to go, but I'm so ready to be happy with the way I look and not always worry about whether a picture of me came out looking good or not. I'm beautiful in my own way, and to many people, so maybe I should just focus on that. I am not like anyone else. I am my own individual and I am beautiful in the way God made me. Yep, that's going to be my mantra for the day. Sorry for the long rant. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Menigitis and a slip

Well at 3:30am on Wednesday morning, I ended up in the hospital with the worst headache I have ever experienced. I couldn't understand why it was so bad. After a spinal tap, a CT scan and blood work, they told me that I had meningitis. I spent 3 days in the hospital and was released last night. While in the hospital, after many bags of fluids in me, they decided to weigh me. That was a horrible idea. According to their scale, I had gained 11 pounds in 5 days. I had a major freak out and didn't want to eat. My discharge weight from the EDC was 95lbs. My weight on Wednesday was 106lbs. I freaked out, started crying, and my eating disorder was extremely loud. Telling me that I was eating too much and that I was gaining weight too fast. So after talking to my dietitian, we decided that I wasn't going to weigh myself until my appointment with her next week. This is a great idea. She told me that each bag of fluid that they put into me is 2.5lbs and there is no way that all that water weight will just go away, so weighing myself within this next week would just backtrack me into a relapse. So this morning I woke up, did laundry, dishes, picked up the house, made some coffee and had a pep talk with myself. I kept reminding myself that food is not an option for me and that I must eat if I want to recover from this eating disorder. So I ate breakfast and I didn't hate myself afterwards, so I am hoping I am back on track from this slip that I had. I get both my boys back finally after being in treatment and the hospital stay. I'm pretty excited, but kinda nervous at the same time. I know my life is going to go back to being chaos but I'm hoping that I can handle it better now that I have my head on straight and my priorities in a row. I'm sorry for the lack of blogging, but I hope to get back on track real soon. Thank you all for the supportive comments. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Day 23

So tomorrow is my last day. Tonight's my last night in the house with all the girls. I feel a sense of relief, but also sadness. I have gotten to know so many of these wonderful girls, and have created friendships with all of them. But I am so happy that I have this chance to move forward with my life. My treatment team was sceptical about me leaving too early, but I am very confident in where I'm at in my recovery. I know that my eating disorder hasn't completely gone away, because I still struggle everyday with little thoughts here and there. But the difference now than before is that I am well aware of my thoughts and not turning them into behaviors. I have found so much meaning in life. I can't wait til a month from now and see how much more I've improved. I still find certain things triggering, but for the most part, I avoid them. I now know that I don't have less than a year to live and I can move on and see my boys grow up. I am excited to know that I can have my hobbies back. Hobbies that I have avoided for the past two years because of my eating disorder. Even though I have lived with Ana for 12 long years, I know that I am stronger and I WILL overcome this. I will beat statistics, and I will prove people wrong, and I will show them all that I have the willpower to fight back. I am getting more energy. I'm reconnecting with old friends. Everything seems to be looking up from here. I know that there might be slips every now and then, but I know now that if I have a slip, that I can turn it around and not go back into a relapse. I always used to think that I could do this on my own. That I didn't need to come to treatment, and even though I've had moments since I got here where I thought I didn't belong in such an intensive program, I'm so thankful that I've stuck with it. I have gathered so many skills that will be extremely helpful for me in the future. I've made friendships that I hope will last a life time. Being in a structured environment has been so beneficial for me. But now I can use that structure that I've had here, and transfer it into my everyday life. I have meals planned out, I have a grocery list that I will use when I go to the store this weekend. I've made all my appointments with my therapist, doctor, and dietitian for the next two weeks. I'm moving forward with my life. Another thing that I am going to do within the next week is take all of my "skinny" clothes, and cut them all up. Or maybe start a fire with them lol. I honestly can't believe how much these past 3 weeks have changed my perspective on every aspect of my life. I can finally see my future without Ana in it. She's not in charge anymore. I am. This is MY life and I deserve to live it to it's full potential. I know that some friendships may not survive my recovery, but for the most part, I believe everyone is on board for me to recover. I will most definitely miss this place, and the wonderful treatment team I had, and the friendships I've made. But I know that I have a purpose to serve for God and I need to fulfill that. And I WILL fulfill that. I'm not even sure what that purpose is at the moment, but I will when the time comes. I want to thank all of you who have been following my blog and all the love and support I've gotten from everyone. Having the extra support does help. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, September 27, 2012

My letting go letter

So I am writing this letter to RJ. To let him know he doesn't have control over me anymore. Enjoy.
To RJ, Sept. 27, 2012

I know that I will never give you this letter that I am writing, but I think it is good for me to get it all out so that I can let go and drop all of this baggage that you placed on me. Here I am, almost 8 years later, and I still can not let go of what you did to me. I don't know where you are in your life, and frankly, I don't care. But you need to know where I am at in my life and what you did to contribute to the way I am today... You hurt me. In every way humanly possible. You started hitting me 2 weeks into our relationship. I was so young. I didn't know how to handle the situation. You were twice my size so there was no way that I could fight you off. You were two years older than me, and after watching what your dad put your mom through, I didn't think I would see a side like that of you. But here's the catch. Eventually it didn't just become your other side, it became your whole self. I didn't know another you. You tore me down and destroyed everything that I had once stood for. Not only did you take away my virginity, but then forced me to have an abortion at the age of 13! Adoption wasn't an option with you because you and your mom didn't want anyone to know. So we kept it a secret, your mom paid for it, and then we went about our life afterwards. You left me to deal with that pain alone. You didn't understand why I couldn't get over it. For 3 years you made my life a living fucking hell and I can't even begin to process where in your mind you felt it was right to treat me that way. But I didn't know any other way of life. My dad assumed that life with you was perfect and didn't take too much into consideration when I practically started living with you. You made me your property in no time and took away anything that would connect me to the outside world. I was your puppet. I was your slave. I still, to this very day, have nightmares about you. Some days when I wake up, I wake up emotionally upset, and sometimes I wake up really fucking angry. Angry at you. Angry at myself. How could I let someone treat me the way you did and not do anything about it. Your sister and your mom both knew and witnessed what you did to me. Everyone was too scared of you to say anything, so we kept it our little secret. Here's the thing about little secrets though RJ. They become very heavy burdens, and the victim has to deal with it for the rest of their life. But that is why I am taking this chance to write this letter. I do not want to live with this burden for the rest of my life. Everyone knows what you did to me. Except you. I am not sure you are quite aware of what you did to me and how it affected my life and future. RJ, I fucking watched you beat the shit out of your mom a week before Christmas one year. You always said you wouldn't hurt your mom because she was the one who protected you from your dad. Did it make you feel like a piece of shit when you were doing that? Did you regret it when the cops took you to the halfway house and you had to go to court? You know what I regret about that situation? Your mom begged me to go to the courts and show them the bruises, the bald spots in my hair, the burns on my legs, just to send you to jail; and I didn't. Because I was convinced that you would change. Like all the time you said before that. You never fucking changed. You continued to be the same controlling asshole that you had always been. I know that you don't think of me these days, but everything you did to me has been placed in my memory. I want these memories out and away. You sold me to your "friends" for drugs or money. You didn't care what they did to me, as long as you were getting something out of it. A girl at the age of 14 should not even know the things that I knew at that point. Fucked up thing is that the money that you got from other guys using my body, you didn't even share. You kept it all to yourself and claimed that you were the man, and you were in control of the money. You wouldn't let me wear blue jeans because you were so "gangsta" and if I wore blue, then I was being disrespectful towards you. Everyone that was even remotely close to either one of us knew what you were doing to me. It's not like you could cover up all the physical abuse you put me through. People noticed my hair missing. People noticed the black eyes. The bruises that covered my body. But I denied it all. Just to keep you safe. Wow, was I fucking stupid. You kept me down to one meal a day so I wouldn't get fat. I needed to be everything you needed to keep your habits going. You told me that I was ugly. And that sometimes guys would request a bag to put over my head when they used me because I was so ugly. Although that never happened. You used that to beat down my self esteem even more than it already was. That's why I live with an eating disorder to this day. Because something that started out as one tiny insecurity, you blew way out of proportion with the way you treated me. By the time that I got out of our relationship, I was so beat down, physically and emotionally, that I didn't know if I was ever going to be the same. You raped me a month before I finally got the nerve to leave you. That's when I started cutting. And when you found out that I was cutting, you made me feel guilty. Guilty for using something to control something in my life. You had my whole life in the palm of your hand. You even told me on several occasions that if I went to anyone and told them the physical pain you put me through, that you had a gun that I couldn't find, and you weren't afraid to use that. Are you fucking kidding me? Nothing about you was right. And honestly, I hope that your life is miserable. I hope that your daughter, Winter, doesn't have anything to do with you. I hope she gets taken away from you. Because in no short time at all, you will be treating her the same way. That's why her mom left. That's why your sister has temporary custody of her. You are a very destructive, selfish person and I am ready to get rid of you for good. I am happy in my life where I'm at, and I can not continue to carry the baggage with my relationship that I am in. He doesn't deserve that, and neither do I. I hate you. And I mean HATE you. To my very core. With everything that I am, I would give anything to watch you suffer the way I did, and still do. But come your day, I won't be the one making that call. You will have to face God and see the person that you are. He makes the judgement, and you will have to face the consequences for what you did and probably are continuing to do to this day. So to wrap this up, I am going to say that this is it. This is the end. I'm taking this baggage of mine that I've been carrying around for so long, and I'm throwing it away. From this point forward, you will have zero control over me and my thoughts. I am no longer giving into fear of you, but giving myself my life back. Maybe one day, this letter will find you. And I hope you realized that you hurt me to the point of nothingness. But I'm taking my voice and power back. How does that make you feel? Here, I've even attatched a song for you.