Hey there everyone in blogger world (if you're still out there.)
I've been wanting to write this post for a few days, but with lack of time and trying to find the right words, it's all been a jumbled mess.
My heart is hurting,
Not just for me though.
My heart is hurting for girls everywhere.
I'm in a few different all women groups on Facebook,
And some of the conversations between these women,
Well they hurt my heart.
This one in particular the other day is what triggered this post.
It starts with the OP stating that she's tired of all the remarks about her body.
She is naturally skinny, and still people feel the need to tell her what to do and not do to HER body.
Then there's like 60 or so comments from women all over the world.
Skinny girls, big girls, girls who fit the "normal" range,
And ALL of them complaining about their imperfections.
Most of the time, I don't pay too much mind to these posts,
Either because they trigger feelings, or I know that my words won't have an effect anyway (which most of the time, they don't.)
So, that's why I come here,
Because I know someone will read it (especially other ED girls who understand.)
This is something that almost every woman I've met struggles with.
It's something that I still struggle with on a daily basis.
Some days I say, "I just need to accept that this is how I'm supposed to look."
The other 90% of days are the days I struggle.
I don't usually give Ana the satisfaction of having a say,
But instead, it's usually my own voice that projects those insecurities upon myself.
Here's the thing though,
WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST ACCEPT WHO I AM?!?!
I'm working out on a regular basis, I've stopped counting calories, I don't weigh myself religiously.
AND I STILL CAN'T ACCEPT WHO I AM!
At 78lbs, I was too damn sick to do shit.
I struggled getting out of bed, I struggled with picking my kids up,
It hurt to walk, it hurt to sit,
And I was hurting everyone around me.
At my highest weight, I dreaded looking in the mirror.
I was sucking it in to look skinnier,
I was always covering myself in layers to hide my extra skin.
And now here I am, stuck at this weight that won't budge.
For the first time since I was 11 years old,
I WANT to gain weight.
Not a substantial amount, but 10lbs would be nice.
10lbs would give me a bit more boobs,
So then I would feel more confident.
But is that Ana talking in a different voice? Who knows.
What I do know is that I still can't stand my body,
And it kills me to think that I'll forever be stuck in this perpetual cycle of not accepting myself,
Until the day I die.
That I'll go the rest of my unsatisfied with myself,
While helping others accept themselves.
That's a bit hypercritical, don't you think?
My biggest goal with my children is for them to love themselves.
To accept themselves for the beautiful beings that they are.
That they don't have to change the way they look,
That they don't have to change their hearts.
That they don't have to change who they are for anyone.
Meanwhile, the self hatred I have for myself lingers,
Ever so subtle in the back of my head?
But that's who I am, and I'm ok with that.
I will ALWAYS put others first,
Because it makes me happy to see the people I love happy.
See, I told you this post was going to be a jumbled mess.
There's just been a lot of feelings, a lot of insecurities,
A lot of unanswered questions for myself.
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing ok.
I might spend some of the day catching up on some of your blogs.