Monday, November 11, 2013

First day of treatment

I am filled with so many emotions today. I can't sort them out straight because I don't even know which ones I am feeling. I guess first of all, I'm feeling pretty lonely. I know a break is what I needed, but I don't like being alone. It's really when all the thoughts of Ana tumbling in. For the past two hours, I have been chewing on my mouth. It hurts and is bleeding, but I can't seem to stop. I forgot my mouth guard at home, so I'll probably be chewing all through the night as well.
It was a very long and emotional day for me. I didn't do much crying. Not saying that I didn't want to, because I did. But for some reason, the tears wouldn't come. It felt like there was an invisible wall blocking them. I ate lunch and dinner at program, which was especially hard for me. It's the first food I've kept inside me in... well, I don't know how many days. I did take 6 laxies before I got to program, which caused me all kinds of pain today. I know that I need to turn my laxatives over to the staff tomorrow, and that is creating a high amount of anxiety for me. I'm not sure I am ready for that. The doctor did order me some Miralax but I know that it don't work near as good for me. I was honest with everyone today and told them that I have become addicted to the laxatives and that it's going to be hard for me to kick them. I am freaking out about giving them away.
Today was a whole lot of filling out paperwork and meeting my treatment team. Tomorrow will be my first whole day. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. All three meals. Ugh, I'm already dreading it. I'm trying to be positive about all of this, but it's so hard because I feel so uncomfortable full. And it's been 4 hours since dinner. And starting tomorrow I'll probably have a night time snack.
Ok now I'm just rambling. I will try to compose a better post tomorrow. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

8 comments:

  1. I am so proud of you dear. I know it's hard when you're alone, but that's why you've got the staff there to support you 24/7. It's good to know they've organized something to help you come off the laxatives, though they never work as well. I'm glad you'll be blogging during treatment, as long as it doesn't hold you back. Do you have any idea how long you'll be there for?
    Thinking of you. Much love and hugs xx

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  2. I am s proud of you. You are trying so hard and I give you all the credit in the world. It will be tough but you are so strong sweetheart and I have complete faith in you. Good luck and try to remember every time you are scared or lonely you have wonderful people here and at home rooting for you. Sending you lots of love <3

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  3. you're still going through with it. I'm incredibly proud of you, and you should be too. You can do this!

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  4. I'm so glad to hear that the first day of treatment went at least semi-well. You're doing great, just keep going. Giving up the laxies will be good, because they are addictive. Try notto stress too much about eating three meals. It won't be too bad. Thinking of you. Xxx

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  5. I understand your loneliness, the kind where you wanted to cry but the tears won't come out. I believe in you, Katie. I know that despite all those negative emotions you are going through, you have that courage in you to change your life. I know you can do this, dear. Hang in there! ♡

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  6. Congratulations on your strength, your determination, and your dedication to helping yourself. You are working so hard to put your life back in order. Take this break, fight your inner demons, and know we are all here to hear you out. You can and will be okay! xo

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  7. Really really glad you're still going through with it. Don't forget that you're doing this for you as well as T and your kids. You want the best possible life you can have with them both and confronting all the things that have weighed you down is how you start. :D lots of love and prayers.

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  8. You're taking some important steps, that's a good thing. Remember all of us that are with you along the way.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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