Monday, January 28, 2013

1 week

So I have 1 more week left at home before I leave for treatment. The anxiety is kicking into high gear over here. Why am I so nervous? I don't understand. I've done this before.
Laxies have ceased to work. It seems I have to keep taking more in order for anything to stay normal. Which is frustrating in itself. So that's on my mind about treatment. How are they going to help me with that if I'm not aloud to take them while I'm there?
Then there's the packing and what I am and am not going to take. I feel like when I show up, they are going to be like, wtf? I'm taking 3 bags and my laptop bag. I'm practically moving there. Which I guess I am for awhile. I'm probably going to start packing on Saturday. Give me enough time to get all my laundry done and everything put together.
Then there's the meals of course. I told T last night that this time around is going to be a lot harder. This got brought up while I was freaking out over a stupid slushie that I had from Sonic. It's frozen ice and corn syrup. It's not like there was that many calories in it, right? 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Plus boost. I know that's what they are going to do because that's what they did last time, and I weigh less this time around going in.
I'm also nervous about seeing all the staff and therapists again. They are probably going to feel like failures because I'm back only a few short months later. Stupid fucking relapses.
I can't believe I let myself get back to this point again. The point of needing to go back in because I wasn't good enough for recovery. I wasn't deserving enough of it. It's just easier to let Ana run my life instead of take control over it myself. Anyone else feel this way? Well I can't let that happen anymore. I've lost too much of myself, my family and friends, and my health to keep going down this path of brokenness.
My mind is just all over the place with going back. I'm afraid I won't be able to make as good as progress as I did in the short amount of time like I did last time. I won't be able to make friends like I did last time. For the most part, the group of girls I was with back in September were awesome. I've still continued to be friends with them after leaving.
I have a feeling the staff will have a closer eye on me this time around because of how fast I relapsed. They are going to have their doubts in my commitment just like my therapist now does. She called me last week and told me she was going to have to stop seeing me if I kept cancelling appointments. The only reason why I canceled my appointment last week was because I had both the boys and no babysitter. But I see her today once more before I leave. Which she wants to talk about what my plan is going to be once I get out of treatment.
And most of all, while I'm gone, I'm going to miss everyone. I will still get to see T if he comes down for Saturday groups. And my mom every week for family therapy. But as far as my boys go, I won't see them at all while I'm gone. Which is going to be hard. I feel like I've been making some real progress with them and all the stuff that they have been dealing with, and I don't want it to go backwards. It's mostly my oldest I'm worried about. I'm afraid that his father won't man up and take him to all of his appointments and his classes that I've been putting him in. Or he will forget to give him his meds. But once I made this decision to go back to treatment, I knew that I had to leave it up to him to take the responsibility of being his dad. I just have a hard time trusting the guy.
Then there is the fact that my insurance hasn't 100% approved me for treatment. The lady who is in charge of getting me in just told me that she is planning on calling them and she has to make a "case" for me, but she said as far as her and everyone else is concerned, I will be going next week. This freaks me out. What if my insurance ends up turning me down for some stupid reason or another? This is my last chance. The chance to turn my life around and I don't know if I can do it without going back.
In reality, everything will probably turn out just fine. I'm just letting my anxiety get the better of me. I haven't taken my sleep meds in days because I keep forgetting to go pick them up. So I've been sleeping really shitty. Waking up several times, can't fall asleep, waking up way before I need to be. So I have got to go get those today while I'm out and about. Alright, I've let this post go on for far too long. I hope everyone is doing good. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Sorry for my lack of posting

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a few days. Thank you all for your concern and I appreciate all the love I'm getting from you guys.
I was at 84lbs this morning. =( It just keeps going down. I've even been eating my meals. Maybe not the full amount of calories, but still eating.
Last night I thought I was going to have to go into the hospital. I could barely move, or make dinner even. T had to help me with dinner. I felt so bad because I'm usually always able to make dinner without any problem. But last night was bad. My stomach hurt so bad, I couldn't stand for more than a couple minutes at a time. I tried so hard to keep cooking. I did eat though.
I'm worried that I'm going to be in the 70's if I keep losing like this by the time I go into treatment. I still have a little over a week until I go. I'm pretty nervous and scared. I'm not sure why, but this time around feels like my last chance. I can't keep going on like this. This is going to kill me unless I make and keep the progress that I make in there.
Today is my youngest's birthday. I can't believe he is two already. We are having his birthday at this inside castle place. Not very many people are coming, which I'm kinda bummed about. And then afterwards, we are going over to my dad's house for my step mom's birthday party. There is going to be a taco bar there. T is pretty excited about that. I'm pretty nervous. But of course I am. I'm always nervous when there is food and a lot of people in the same place.
Today has already been pretty stressful. Both kids have been acting bad all day. My oldest son has been in trouble for everything that he knows he is not supposed to do. I think this is why I relapsed like I did. When I came back from treatment, I went into the hospital, and then when I got out, I went right back into my routine of appointments and being a full time mom. I didn't give myself enough time to get used to feeding myself and making a new routine with everything I learned in treatment.
So this time around, I am going to have to give myself time when I get out. I have to, or I'm just going to relapse again. And work out a different ways to make appointments for the boys and I. I can't be spending all my time going to a million different appointments and not give myself time to work on myself and my ed.
So anyway, I'm sorry this post was kinda scattered all over the place. I hope you all are doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Getting better? I wish...

Thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. I wish I was bringing you better news this time around, but things seem to be going more down hill.
I've lost more weight. 4lbs in the last 2 days to be exact. Yesterday I weighed in at 88lbs, which was 3lbs down from my last known weight, and this morning was 86lbs. Last night I even ate a piece of pizza, and I absolutely can't stand pizza. It's not one of my safe foods. The last two mornings, I have even ate an English Muffin for breakfast with peanut butter on it. Safe, but not too high in calories. Then this morning I decided to eat a doughnut to bring my blood sugar up, but then went into a panic attack after T left for work.
I'm still completely freaked out by anything that is supposed to be consumed. Plus I'm taking laxies in the morning to keep me normal. That might be a bit of my losing weight problem, but I've been taking those for quite awhile.
I haven't been sleeping well at all the last few nights. I'm up several times a night, smoking a cigarette, watching outside, or like last night, throwing up in the bathroom. I don't know what hit me last night, but all of a sudden I was sick to my stomach to the point of waking me up to spend the next half hour in the bathroom throwing up. I don't know if my Ambien comes in a higher dose, or if I should be taking two when I go to bed, but I've been sleeping shitty. And I'm getting tired of it.
My heart rate this morning, resting; was 110. Then 103. Then 98. That is way too high for me. Normally I run between 60-65.
The last few days, when I stand up, everything goes black for a few seconds. And I'm constantly dizzy. That's why I ate the doughnut this morning because I was thinking my blood sugar was low, but it didn't really help. I tried a couple small pieces of chocolate last night in the same attempt to bring it up. So I'm not sure if that's it. I won't see my doctor til next week.
My youngest son has his surgery tomorrow morning to have the tubes put in his ears. I'm pretty sure that I will be going by myself. His dad works and I'm never sure if T has to work until around 8am, and I have to be there at 7:30. I'm nervous about the surgery, but I'm pretty confident everything will go well and he will be back to normal by his birthday on Saturday. I can't believe my little boy is going to be 2 years old already. Time is flying by so fast.
And, on top of everything, now I'm having problems with my teeth. One of my molars lost it's cap and is now rotting. Gross, I know. But it's changing colors. And it hurts like hell. And of course, my insurance doesn't cover dental over the age of 21. Which blows.
It's so warm here for today and tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'm going to walk to go pick my oldest up from school and enjoy the sunshine. I need some sunshine in my life. Thank you all for reading and posting the comments and the overwhelming amount of support. I love you all.
XOXO Katie

Saturday, January 19, 2013

So weak

Well it's official, I'm back to being so weak that I can barely stand for just a few minutes at a time. I've reached my low again. I'm not sure what I weigh at the moment, but I'm pretty sure I'm under 90lbs. T is so worried about me. I'm also extremely dehydrated. I hate the taste of water, so I put some Mio in it to make the taste better, but it's still difficult to drink. I feel so bad that I didn't even have my coffee this morning. And that's a big deal. I always have my coffee. The last few days I have been restricting a lot. This morning I did decide to eat a very small bowl of cereal and half of a 60cal yogurt. But now I probably won't eat lunch. This is terrible. Why am I letting her win? I've already done so much permanent damage to my body. I tried to purge the other night and my body wouldn't let me. Which I guess in the end was a good thing. T told me that if I purged that he was done. That's why it's so much easier for me to just not eat. Then I have zero anxiety over the food and the urge to purge isn't there. Yesterday I drank 2 sodas, one diet, and one with only 60cal in it. But I felt so bloated and disgusting that it sent my anxiety sky rocketing. See, I have had this nasty habit since I was in 5th grade of chewing on the inside of my mouth to the point of bleeding when I've got a lot on my mind. But last night I literally chewed a gaping hole in the side of my mouth. And now today it hurts like hell. I'm just over all of this. Everything I do is self destructive. I feel the need to punish myself because I feel like I don't deserve anything better. T asked me a question this morning. He asked me that since I was being so controlled in the part of my life that I was supposed to be developing who I am as a person, do I feel like I need to be controlled? Like when I go to treatment, I am going to have zero control. Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm not going to get better unless I have someone that is controlling what I do and eat. And that of course sends me into panic. I feel strong when I don't eat. I feel like I am in control. But to have that all taken away from me might be the only way to recovery. I don't know. What I do know is that I feel like shit all of the time, I'm always in pain, and it's getting harder and harder to enjoy anything in life. My arms were starting to hurt while I was folding laundry. Something that I do every other day. I had to keep sitting down and taking a break. It was terrible. Folding laundry was kicking my ass. I'm just a big mess right now and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I want to take my youngest to the park today, but I'm afraid that it will take too much out of me and then I'm going to be miserable the rest of the day. Anyway, I hope you're all having a wonderful day.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Down in the dumps

I fell asleep on the couch last night. Not that this is out of the ordinary, but usually when T is ready for bed, he wakes me up so I can go to sleep in the bed. Apparently last night, he couldn't get me up. I ended up sleeping all night on the couch. And for some weird reason, this depresses me. We have never slept apart except when I was in TN and when I went to treatment. And also because I didn't make it to the bedroom last night, I didn't take my meds. I tossed and turned all night, but couldn't find enough strength to get up and go to bed.
So this leaves me in a very odd mood today. I'm extremely depressed, and feel disconnected. I tried taking a shower to make me feel better, but I stood in front of the mirror for 5 minutes before getting in and just stared at my naked body. There are so many things that I am unhappy with. And I would give anything to see what everyone else sees. You know, I told my therapist yesterday that I don't feel sick enough to be going to treatment. She pointed out that I wouldn't have made that call on my own if I didn't feel like there was a problem. But here is my stand point on it. Physically, I don't think I look sick. I know that it's mostly all in my head. I think that I am fucked up beyond repair up there. I found this video on YouTube yesterday; what a wonderful way to portray having an eating disorder. She did a great job on showing what it's like living with Ana.
I also watched a video about these Australian twins that are in their mid 30's and they are down to 70lbs. It was so sad to watch because they look so sick, and they kept saying that if they got down to 25kilos that they will most likely die, and that is what they were hoping for. They looked like they were in their 70's. Their hair was barely there, their skin on their faces were so sunken in. I don't look like that. I don't look anywhere near that.
The people around me that love me, keep telling me that I've lost the color in my face and that my cheeks are sunken in, but I guess I don't see it. I mean, I guess I'm a bit pale, but I've always been that way. They say the light in my eyes is gone. I guess I never saw that light to begin with. T said to me last night that if he had to choose between seeing me get down to looking like those twins or leaving me, he would leave me. Then told me that if my eating disorder truly makes me happy, then to go for it. But we both know that it doesn't necessarily make me happy.
I hate living with this constant voice in my head. One who brings my spirits up when I skip meals or eat very little, but then turns around and beats me down when I "eat too much." What is too much anymore? I feel like the banana I had for breakfast was too much. Along with my coffee, I feel huge.
I'm just very depressed today, and I can't seem to bring myself up. It's frustrating because my mom is supposed to come up today, and we are supposed to have a wonderful day together. I don't want to bring her down with my mood. So something has got to give before she gets up here. I think I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette and listen to some music before my son wakes up. Sorry for such a depressing post. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


I am a mixture of emotions and actions in the last couple days. Everything seems to be coming together but falling apart at the same time. I had my medical evaluation yesterday with my doctor. This was needed because my insurance has approved me to go back into treatment. I had to get blood drawn, the flu shot, an EKG and my doctor had to fill out the paperwork.
I have an admission date of February 4th. This is where all the emotions and actions have come into place. That's 3 weeks out. Ana is saying "embrace me, because you won't be able to in a few short weeks." And my actions have reflected that. With the flu shot yesterday, I felt crappy the rest of the day, so I barely ate anything. And today has been the same. I've had my coffee and my tea. I have therapy in an hour and I'm going to be honest with her....
I don't feel sick enough to be going back into treatment. With all my labs coming back normal, my EKG being normal, who is to say I'm sick enough to go back to inpatient? I'm a little underweight, but not as small as I was when I went into treatment the first time. Ana is telling me that I need to get back down to that before I go back.
Then my logical mind is jumping up and down with joy because this time I will beat this. I want nothing more than to have my life back. Isn't that what we all want? Don't we all want to not be controlled by that voice anymore? A part of me is scared because I know that I won't be with the same set of girls that I grew to love when I was there the first time. I'm not sure if I'm ready to put myself out there again to try and make new friends and then deal with the same kind of drama I did when I first got there in September.
So anyway, that's my update. I will be getting admitted February 4th and we aren't sure how long I will be there this time. It might be longer than before. And I'm scared. I hope you're all doing well.
XOXO Katie

Saturday, January 12, 2013

No self harming or ED behaviors

As I look around me and see all the wonderful things and people God has blessed me with, I can't fathom why I'm letting this kill me. I am surrounded by such wonderful, loving people, who would do anything to see me beat this thing down to the ground, but I can't seem to find the strength to do it. I know the fight is in there. I've experienced it. But it seems as the months have moved on, the fight inside me has weakened.
I saw my therapist yesterday. She made me sign a "no self harm" contract. Meaning I can not self harm or abuse my medication in any way or she will have no choice but to send me to the psychiatric hospital up in the next town. That just proves my theory that I am crazy and this is all in my head. I realize that having BPD and living with an eating disorder is hard for people to understand, especially when I talk about "Ana" and how much control she has over me, but do I really belong in a hospital on lock down? The whole thing is a bit frustrating. I don't even know why I told her that I've been hoarding my medication just so I can take 3-4 a night. It calms my anxiety. I don't see the problem with it. But apparently she does.
It's been so hard not to engage in eating disorder behaviors, but T told me the other night that he is drawing his line in the sand and if I choose to walk this path with Ana, then he can no longer walk it with me. So, I'm torn. I need him in my life. He is the best thing to happen to me and has stuck by my side through so much, I just can't lose him. But on the other side of the teeter totter is something I've lived with and accepted for over half my life. It's difficult to just quit cold turkey and act like those thoughts aren't there. That's what kills me so much about this all is that the thoughts are over consuming and I have to do some serious distracting to not just go in the bathroom and get rid of my food. Like after breakfast this morning, I went into a cleaning frenzy of the whole house. Right through lunch. My body isn't telling me I'm hungry.
That is one of my biggest problems is that I am not supposed to listen to my body cues, I'm supposed to eat when my meal plan tells me to. Because if I listened to my body, I probably would never eat. I've taught my body for so long to starve itself, that it rarely grumbles or shows signs of hunger.
So this post has pretty much turned into what I always right, but where I was going with it all that it's so hard to fight this battle when I feel like there isn't any strength left in me. I can't lost those in my life due to my eating disorder. It's not an everyday battle, it's an every minute battle. Like I was fine while eating breakfast, but afterwards, I couldn't get my mind off of it. Then around lunch time, I thought about eating, but just continued to clean through it. And now I'm sitting here thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner for everyone. Which brings anxiety. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Oh and the treatment facility called me back, and sent me the paperwork to fill out again, and a paper for my doctor to fill out. They are contacting insurance to see if they will cover me again. If I do go back, it wouldn't be until February because my youngest will be having surgery in the next couple of weeks and his birthday is also at the end of the month. I want more time this time to get prepared and ready for treatment. To get myself 110% committed to this. I can do it. I know it's possible. I've done it before.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

So much on my mind

So I'm thinking about going back to treatment. It's not that I'm really engaging in the serious eating disorder behaviors like purging or using the laxies, but there are still behaviors I'm using. Like yesterday, I didn't drink all my coffee in the morning because I knew I was being weighed. I made sure I wore leggings instead of jeans because I knew I was being weighed. And when I was weighed and saw that I went up a half pound, I convinced myself it was water weight because I spent two days drinking nothing but water around the clock. I told T last night that of course there is a part of me that likes having my eating disorder. I love the fact that I'm usually the skinniest girl in the room. I love feeling strong when I can go without eating. What I don't love is the fact that I'm comparing myself to all the girls in the room. Or I hate the fact that if I do eat, then I feel weak and feel the need to purge my food. So which part is stronger when it comes to my eating disorder?
After another discussion with T last night, I think my best option would to be go back to treatment, but this time, I need to stay longer and give it my all. Give it 100%.  My problem is that the facility I want to go to will in no way be covered by my medicaid, and I sure as hell don't have the money to send myself there. I loved the girl I was when I left treatment. But I feel like Anorexia tricked me. Ana had me thinking she was gone. That I had got rid of her and I have found other coping mechanisms to deal with stress. But all that stuff I learned in treatment, didn't give me a way to cope with all the added stress of my family and kids.
One of the biggest things they talk about in DBT and talked about in treatment was mindfulness. And in treatment, it worked great. But I can't do that here. I can't have a quiet moment before I eat to remind myself of what good that food is going to do for my body. I can't have a moment to even think about what I'm eating before I eat it. I've got T talking to me, my oldest talking constantly, and my youngest always whining in my ear. Every meal is so hectic. It was easy to be mindful in treatment because I was surrounded by other girls who were doing the same thing I was. I woke up an hour and 20 minutes early this morning just so I could eat breakfast quietly before everyone got up. But there's no way I can do that every morning because it's only 9am and I'm so tired. I actually followed my meal plan for breakfast this morning. I had a bowl of cereal, a lite yogurt, and a banana. I was pretty proud of myself. Then I went and laid back down for another 30 minutes to fall asleep and get my mind off of the food. That's the only way I have found that completely works is going to sleep after I eat, so I don't have to think about it.
So I got started on Effexor last night. I think I recall one of you ladies saying you take it. I just want to know if anyone has taken it, what kind of effects did it have on you? I'm convinced that's the reason I woke up for a hour and a half in the middle of the night last night, despite my Ambien. It's all so much medication. But they are trying to find the right meds for me I guess.
So another thing I struggled with last night is that according to the doctors, I am not "clinically sick." All my blood work comes back normal. My vitamin D level was normal. My blood pressure is a bit low and so is my heart rate, but other than that, my only medical issue is that I'm underweight. If everything is coming back normal, then how can I be sick? Then I just make myself feel like I'm a crazy person. I understand that an eating disorder is a mental illness, but am I really that insane? That's how I feel anyway. I guess I've just got a lot of shit on my mind. Sorry for such a long post.
XOXO Katie

Monday, January 7, 2013

So embarrassed

I am a 23 year old woman with two children and I probably just did the most embarrassing thing that my eating disorder has ever made me do. I had to buy new bras....
FROM THE LITTLE GIRLS SECTION!!! Ugh, I am so disgusted with myself. I swear I got looks from other moms, I got looks from the employees, I got looks from dads. Everyone was just staring at me. I would like to say that I will probably never see any of them again, but with my luck and it being a small town, someone will pass me in the grocery store, whisper to the person next to them, "That's the woman I saw buying little girls bras." It's not like you can miss me, I got bright pink hair!
OK, well maybe I'm being a bit paranoid here, but seriously, ick. I guess I could look at this in a positive way and say that at least I got some bras that fit me. But I want my boobs back. Keep my waist, tighten up my thighs, and give me back my boobs, then I would be one happy woman. I'm too young to look the way I do.
OK, moving on to other things. My oldest son and I spent the day together, which was nice. He has been on his new medication since Friday and he seems to be doing well with it. We went to one of his appointments, then I took him to McDonald's for lunch (I had a salad) and let him play. Then we went to the library so I could find a book that his OT recommended for me to read. I also picked him up a couple of books to read and a Pokemon movie that he is now sitting in his room watching. Then we went shopping. I love days like this with him because he is so sweet and loving to me. Days like this are so rare that I will take them when I get them.
Tomorrow I am going down to Denver to meet up with a girlfriend for the first time. So it's like a blind "girls day out." Such a sweet girl. We've been talking for awhile now, we have a lot in common, and I figured since she doesn't live that far away from me, I can drive down there and we could go do some shopping, or driving around, or coffee. Coffee is always good. But first thing in the morning I am going to see my dietitian. That means weigh in. I'm pretty sure that with the way I've been eating the last couple weeks, we will see a gain, even if it's a slight one. Late night snacking has been my weakness here lately. Especially chocolate. I don't know why I can't say no to it.
Oh, I found this very interesting blog earlier. Check it out here. It's quite interesting to hear the story and battle from a mothers point of view. Alright, I hope you're all doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Disgusting toxins in my body

So, I'm still doing well on eating. All 3 meals and what not, but I have a confession to make; I've been eating really shitty. I haven't been eating healthy like I need to. On my notes from my therapist last week, the second thing on the list says, "Don't eat out more than 2x a week (it may be triggering.)" We have gone out almost everyday this past week, and the main reason why; it's just easier. And yeah, it's been really fucking triggering. Yesterday was me drawing a line in the sand. Friday night we went out to a buffet for dinner, and yesterday we went to Wendy's for lunch.
Now I'm not saying that I am getting big fat juicy cheeseburgers when we go out, but I know for a fact that if I were to make that same thing at home, it would be at least half the calories, half the fat and I would know everything that goes into it. Plus on top of it all, I would be saving the money from going out to go towards better things.
It's time for me to put my big girl panties on and start being the cook I know I can be. Today has kind of been a cleansing day for me. Trying to rid of all the toxins in my body so I can start fresh. I've been drinking tons of water and tea, and zero soda. I drink a lot of diet soda normally, so I'm going to try to kick that to the curb as well. Tonight I have a lemon zest chicken breast planned for dinner served with white rice. It's just me and T tonight, so a nice, quiet, relaxing night.
He made note this morning that he knows that I am taking recovery seriously, but he can tell that I am still not wanting to fully let go of my eating disorder. Last night, I found myself taking body measurements (which I may post in a few) and calculating my body fat percentage (12.9!) I also asked him if it would ruin everything if we were to bring the scale back into the house so I can have that peace of mind of knowing what I weigh. I think the answer to that was a no by the way. I have therapy scheduled for this Friday, and she has texted me twice just to make sure I'm coming because I ditched her last week, making up some excuse about me being sick. Guess karma got me on that one because now I am really sick lol. T has also noticed the amount of time I've been spending on blogger. It's my little community and I love it. So anyway, I hope everyone had a great weekend. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, January 3, 2013


I don't know if it's the amount of stress that I'm under, the constant screaming of my kids, or the fact that I am going grocery shopping today, but my anxiety level is through the roof. I had 200cal for breakfast and at the moment, I feel like that is too much. I can't take my anxiety medication at the moment because it makes me feel tired, and I can't feel that way when the kids are awake. So what am I going to do? Absolutely nothing. Because I can't. I have cleaned the house from top to bottom because my youngest has speech therapy in about 20 minutes. My eating disorder is being extremely loud, but still not as loud as the kids. My oldest started out first thing this morning yelling and carrying on, woke his brother up, and I've been dealing with that ever since.
Currently I am watching my oldest son antagonize the dog so much to the point to where I think he is going to get bit if he continues. But for some reason, he finds it amusing to hurt and pick on the dog. A part of me wants him to get snapped at just so he will learn his lesson and leave the dog alone. But that's the thing about my son, he will keep pushing and pushing until he is in tears because something happened.
Still no word from his father. Big surprise there, right? And people wonder why I don't want to eat. It's my only coping mechanism to deal with all the shit in my life. I either just won't eat, or I'll eat and then just purge it. I find it better than being an alcoholic or a junkie I guess. I'm supposed to be going grocery shopping later. That shall be fun. With both boys, both full of attitude, and trying my hardest not to focus on all the calories or the amount of fat in the foods that I choose. One part of me hates grocery shopping, another part loves it because I have control over what I buy. Whether it's fat free, low cal, white meat or red meat. It's all about control. But isn't it all?
I'm not sure where I was going with this post, but all I know is that my anxiety is out of control at the moment. I'm frustrated and I want to pull my hair out. Someone out there, help.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Piece of shit!!!!!!!!

I've been bottling this up and not expressing it how I really need to, so here it goes...
This is my oldest's son's dad. The last two days with my son have been hell with stopping one medication and starting another. He has been extremely aggressive, really mean, just plain defiant. He has had the past two weeks off of school for Christmas break and his dad has spent 3 nights (not even full days) of that with him. And the third one was only because I showed up at his house and dropped my son off with him. I didn't give him a chance to fucking tell me no, like he always does. So today has been a really bad day. My son has yelled at me that he hates me, that he wants to go to his daddy's house, throwing stuff at the walls, screaming at the top of his lungs at me. It's been like this all day today and yesterday. So about 40 minutes ago I called his dad, twice, just for him to ignore me. Then he texted me and this is how the conversation went:

Him: "What?"
Me: "I want you to take H tonight."
Him: "Can't"
Me: "Or you won't?"
Him: "No, I can't."
Me: "Why?"
Him: "Cuz I'm busy."
Me: "With what?"
SILENCE.... 10 minutes later...
Me: "Brandon, H has had the last two weeks off of school and you have only had him 3 times. What are you so busy with that you can't take him tonight?"

He dropped Holden off on Monday with me because my son was sick and "he just couldn't deal with it." Monday was the 30th, which happens to be the day he is supposed to write me my child support check. I ask him for the check and he says, "I don't have it." The guy is $1,250 behind on his child support because he can't hold down a fucking job. He refuses to take my son for any "extra" time. His scheduled time with him is 6 nights a month. SIX!!! Is it so much of me to ask him to take him a couple extra nights when I need a damn break?!?!
And this isn't something new. This has been going on since my son was 2.5 when we broke up. Any excuse he can find not to spend time with my son, he will use. When I told his dad about the diagnoses that my son received a couple weeks ago, he didn't give two shits about any of it. I told him to do a bit of research on Conduct disorder and he said to me, "um, ok." Yeah right, like he fucking did it.
I've had a day from hell, and I hope to God that he comes across this post and realizes that I am done being quiet about what a piece of shit, poor excuse of a father he is. He needs to know that I didn't make a baby by myself, and if was going to bail out 2.5 years down the road, he should have let me know at the beginning. Alright, I'm done. I wish all the bad karma I can on this guy. Vent over.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


Depending on where this post turns out, I may or may not post this:
Why is it so hard for me to get the words out? To try to make others around me understand what a struggle living with an eating disorder is? Tonight as I'm taking a shower, I tell T that I think my problem in the past when I have vowed to quit this, to throw it all down the drain and get rid of my eating disorder, I always do it cold turkey. You can't expect a smoker who has smoked over half of their life to just quit smoking cold turkey. This person who is used to smoking a whole pack a day can not physically, or mentally just stop the next day. You have to taper down the amount that they smoke. Maybe 15 a day. Then 10 the next. Then 5. Maybe you're working with the e-cigarettes now or chewing the gum to help with it. It's a progress. But you can't do that with an eating disorder. But you can't also just quit cold turkey. I'm living proof of that. You can't taper down a little at a time. It's an all or nothing progress.
I, myself have said it, and I've heard others say it. "Tomorrow is a new day. I will start with breakfast. I will eat normally." Then 5 minutes after you take that last bite, you are embarrassingly walking down the hall to bathroom, turn the lock, lift that seat and slide your fingers down your throat. And I know me personally, I already feel like I've fucked up for the rest of that day, so I might as well restrict and purge all day. Then that night laying in bed in a pool of failure, I make that same promise for the next day. It's a terribly never ending process.
But 10 days ago, I did it, cold turkey. Besides my couple days of being sick, I have been eating all 3 meals and not giving a shit. Not letting my eating disorder get so loud that I need give into it's promises. Tonight it made me a promise that I could purge dinner and no one would know because they would think I was taking a shower. That voice was really loud tonight. I even asked T if I could go take a shower and he said fine. But I didn't.... I cleaned up the kitchen and folded laundry instead. By the time I did take a shower, the feeling to get rid of my food had passed. Plus the help of two of my anxiety meds. T doesn't like that I'm becoming dependant on them. They do have a tendency to form an addiction. But they take away all those evil thoughts. Those voices with empty promises.
Currently, I am listening to recovery related songs. A lot of Gospel music. And words with meaning. But there's also my love for Eminem and his music and how he's been through so much with his own addictions and stands above them for the love of his kids. That's what I need to do. Stand above this all and show the world that I am not another statistic. I will not be that 1 out of 5 girls who dies from her eating disorder. My kids will not attend my funeral before God is ready to let me go. My mother will not attend her own daughter's funeral. Not happening.
So even though those voices might be loud at times, it's time for me to be louder. It's time for me to throw up my boxing gloves and kick some ass. And the thing is, I don't have to make people understand where I'm coming from. There are so many of you out there that have followed me through hell and are still here by my side. So when I'm in the grocery store, or at a restaurant and people are staring at the portions of my food, fuck them. They don't understand. The mental battle I fight every time a plate is placed in front of me. Each meal, every beverage is a struggle for me. But I will overcome. I will fall and I will get back up. Shit, how many times have I done that already? There are only so many fall outs I can have before I take my stand against this shit for good.
So I guess the original reason for me to start writing this post was because I can't explain how hard it is for me to quit this. Like and alcoholic, or someone who is addicted to Meth. This addiction of mine has torn me down and made me hit rock bottom. And like so many of you lovely ladies said, since I hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up. And here I go... I'M DONE WITH THIS!