Being a mom is hard enough. My kids are not well behaved. My six year old tells me he hates me. My 3 year old is constantly attached to my hip. We have hourly melt downs in my house. As hard as I try to keep my house clean, it's redundant because there's always something that has to be picked up, wiped down or washed. I'm not the best mom in the world, but I do try my hardest. My kids eat candy. I let them watch SpongeBob. I don't do gluten free or organic. My 3 year old doesn't like to sit down at meals, instead he eats small snacks in front of the TV watching movies. If I didn't let him do so, he wouldn't eat at all.
My six year old is on medication for his mental issues. And I'm looked down for resulting to medication. I lose my patience and have days where I want to strangle my children. I have moments when I want to lock myself in my room, put my headphones in and cry. I spank my children because I believe they won't learn their lesson without discipline.
I love my children unconditionally. I love on them every chance I get. They get kisses and hugs from me constantly. I take them to every appointment that they need to go to. I kiss their boo boos, pick their noses, help them brush their teeth. I don't talk down to them, even if the choices they make are not the smartest. I encourage them in everything they do. I snuggle them when they're sick.
So as you can tell, being a mom is a tough job, especially with two special needs kids. But then we put my ED on top of it all, and it makes it that much harder. With ED thoughts running around in my head constantly, sometimes it's hard for me to focus on my children. I run myself ragged and to the point of exhaustion. Because on top of taking them to their appointments, I have to take myself to mine as well. If I had to break it up in percentages, my ED thoughts and behaviors take up about 50%, my children take the other 50%. I also have to squeeze time and energy into the house, T, and friends.
My children have seen me at my sickest. I've had to rely on T to help me with them when I was sick and didn't have the energy to do anything. I couldn't get off the floor by myself, let alone lift my youngest to put him in his crib when he was younger. I've had to explain to my 6 year old what was wrong with me without going into too much detail.
Through all of this, I've kept fighting, for them. They are my world and I wouldn't change one thing about them. Although some days I feel like giving in, or not picking up toys, changing diapers or making dinner, I still do so. There are nights when I make hamburger helper or a frozen pizza instead of going all out to make something a bit healthier. But my kids have food in their bellies, a roof over their head, clean clothes to wear, and most of all, they have stability. I will always put their needs in front of my own.
So for all those people that have told me that I was being selfish over the last two years because I was killing myself with my ED, I hope I've given you some insight to what it's like to be a mom and living with such a disease. It's not easy some days, but I do the best I can. My kids are loved and they have everything they could ever want and need.
XOXO Katie
You are a very strong woman Katie, never doubt that. You don't have to be the best mum in the world. You're trying your hardest to be the best mum you can be, and that's all that matters. While some might look down on young children being on medication (heck, some people look down on *anyone* using medication for mental health issues), it means that they're getting proper health care; mental and physical. I'm sorry people have called you selfish for struggling with an eating disorder. Please don't let them make you think you aren't a good mother, because you are.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts dear. Keep fighting <3 xxxx
I'm sure they do. I was a problematic child too and mother didn't deserve that but now it's too late to say I'm sorry. At least that's how it feels.
ReplyDelete/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
♥
We know you do the best you can, and nobody can ask any more of you. I can't imagine how hard that would be, Katie. But you are an amazing woman for doing it. Your kids know that you love them, and that's all that should matter. You know you love them, and you know that you can only do your best. So don't beat yourself up over it if everything isn't perfect all the time. <3
ReplyDeletehey sweetheart <3 you are doing really well, believe me. I know crappy moms (I'm a teacher) and you are not one.
ReplyDelete