Friday, November 30, 2012

Pink Hair

So this is my new hair. What do you think? Gosh, I look so big in this picture though.
So moving on... I was right about being weighed on Wednesday. Went and saw Kim, only to be told that I went down 3lbs. Yeah, 93lbs. Now I'm tapping into the weight that I put on in treatment. I'm only 9lbs away from my lowest weight. Everyone seems pretty disappointed in me. I'm pretty disappointed in me. I can't let go of this evil eating disorder. It's tearing me up from the inside, out. I went and saw my doctor again yesterday. Two more medications and upping a dosage on one. They are trying to find the perfect anxiety medication so I can eat without having a total meltdown. We are having friends over for dinner tonight. So time to put my brave face on and eat in front of others. I love my hair this color. I wanted to do something different. Change the way I look, again. I shocked a few people when they saw it last night. My blood pressure is starting to go back down again. It was 92/53 yesterday. But my heart rate was good. I see my therapist today. She's going to be disappointed in me as well. I've been showing more of my nervous habits as of lately. The inside of my mouth is torn apart from chewing on it. My nails hurt because I've chewed them so short. And smoking a lot. I guess it's bound to happen. So nothing much more to say. I hope everyone is having a great day. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I want to know what it's like

I found this video on a friend's facebook page. It hit so close to home in so many different ways, so I thought I would share it with you.

It nearly made me cry.

Facebook page

You know, we have a sweet little community on here. All the ladies whose blogs I follow, and who follow me. I was thinking maybe we could create a private group facebook page where we can talk to each other, or maybe a chat website. If you think this is a good idea, then I can create it and then you can email me your fb email and I could send you a request. If you think this is a terrible idea, lol, just let me know. Much love.

Color blind?

The sunset is pink to the 20 people surrounding me. I see it as blue. Everyone else insists that I'm not seeing it the way that it actually is. This is how it is with me. Everyone else sees me as underweight, or perfect. I see myself as overweight and filled with flaws. So just like with the sunset, maybe I'm (color) blind. T says that I have to adjust my way of thinking. That Ana isn't real and that I need to take back control over MY mind. At this point, I am terrified that if I keep going the way that I have been, especially this past week, that I am going to end back up where I was before I went to treatment. I know I've lost weight. I'm guessing two or so pounds. Which would put me at 93 or 94lbs. I see my dietitian in an hour. Then I will know for sure. But she is not going to be happy with me. Last time I saw her, she told me that if I didn't start gaining weight that she was going to be forced to stop seeing me. I guess this is supposed to motivate me to put on some weight. But for some reason, Ana just can't comprehend that. I don't understand how this imaginative person that I created so many years ago, has so much control over everything I do. I told T that maybe I just don't have what it takes for recovery. Maybe I just don't know how. Then he pointed to my meal plan and told me that it was written right there in black and white. God, I wish it was so simple. I wish that I could walk into the kitchen when I'm hungry and grab an apple and just eat it, instead of walking away feeling empty and Ana feeling satisfied. This past week has been difficult. I have skipped both breakfast and lunch and then barely any dinner. I'm pretty sure I've stayed under 500cal everyday. This isn't right. I have a family, friends, and people who love me that I need to be here for. But instead, I'm so wrapped up in my own mind and trying to make Ana happy, that I'm blinded from what's really important. I think T is at the end of his rope with all of this. I'm afraid he is going to give up on me and realize that maybe I am just a lost cause. That's what I feel I am. Like why do people keep trying to convince me to gain weight and be healthy, when the voice of Ana is so much louder? Do I feel like if she isn't happy, then no one is? That's can't be it seeing as she seems very pleased with me this last week, but everyone else and myself are not happy. Like I told T, I am happy in all other aspects of my life, I am happy. But when it comes to how I feel and see myself, I'm unhappy and miserable. So this is where I'm going to say that I am going to buckle down and just do what needs to be done to make my way towards recovery. It's a new day, right? Much love.
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

liebster blog award

I have just been nominated for the liebster blog award by the lovely Rayya over at Beyond the Looking Glass. Thank you so much sweetheart.

Rules:- When you receive the award, thank the person who gave it to you, and include their link in your blog.

- Post 11 things about yourself.

- Answer the 11 questions of the person who nominated you.

- Choose up to 11 bloggers

- Create 11 questions for your nominees!

- Inform the nominees of their nomination.

11 things about me:
   1: I was born and raised in Colorado
   2: I have 3 dogs named Sarah, Zoey and Hyrum
   3: I'm a Virgo
   4: My first name is Katherine but I hate being called it
   5: I have a kitty that lives at my dads. He's 14 and his name is Tiger
   6: My best friends are girls I have known for 11 years
   7: I hate lima beans
   8: Dr. Pepper is my favorite soda
   9: My favorite place to visit is family back in Tennessee
  10: My kids are my whole life

11 Questions Rayya had for me:
   1: Tell me the weirdest thing you can about yourself.  I don't know if I have any weird talents or anything, but I chew the inside of my mouth to the point of bleeding when I'm anxious.
   2: If you could only paint your nails one color forever, what would it be?  Seeing as I chew my nails, I would choose hot pink for my toe nails.
   3: If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? First thing I would do is buy my mom a small cabin up in the mountains. Then I would buy T the gun of his choice. Then I would take my boys shopping for the ultimate cool toy. And then I would put the rest into savings.
   4: What is your favorite season and why?  I would have to say summer. I enjoy the warmth. I am not a cold weather person at all.
   5: What is your favorite part of your body and why?  I don't think I can answer this one. I don't have a favorite.
   6: Are you in recovery or suffering from your ED?  I'm in the middle. A lot of parts are pulling me towards recovery, and other parts are still keeping me with my ED.
   7: What are your lifelong goals you hope to achieve?  I would love to be a professional writer. Whether it be poetry, or stories. I just love to write.
   8: Tell me something you realistically want to achieve before the end of the year.  I hope to succeed at my new job and move up on the chain.
   9: Who is your favorite person in the world and why?  It's a tie between T and my mom. Both are so very supportive in everything that I do and have always been here for me.
   10: What is your favorite item of clothing?  Shoes hands down. Mostly boots. You can wear them even in the summer with cute summer dresses.
   11: If I could give you a ticket to go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?  I would love to go to Italy. Learn about my heritage and see all the beautiful historical places.

11 Questions for my nominees to answer:
   1: What is your favorite childhood memory?
   2: What is the name for your first kid when you have them?
   3: What is your favorite style to wear your hair in?
   4: Mac or PC?
   5: Do you have pets? If so, how many and what kind?
   6: What is your nervous habit?
   7: Who is your best friend and why?
   8: What color would you choose to paint your room?
   9: Where is your dream vacation?
   10: What is your favorite genre of movies?
   11: What kind of music do you listen to?

Bloggers I am nominating:
Little Miss Thin
Loopy Lucie

I'm sorry if I forgot anyone. I know I did. I still love you =)

Monday, November 26, 2012

A blast from the past

Sitting there, I had shame upon my face. I was tired of being picked on all the time but I just couldn't stop eating. I enjoyed food. I loved the way it made me feel. But this feeling of self hatred was worse.
I remember the first time I decided not to eat to help me lose weight. I was 11. I was considered "overweight" and short, and not very pretty at all. If I wanted boys to look at me, if I wanted more friends, then something was going to have to change. The friends that I did have were all perfect in my eyes. Tall, skinny, and boys liked them. There was this one boy who I had a crush on. I asked him to go to the dance with me, in turn he told me he wasn't going. OK, I was fine with that. Up until he asked my best friend to the dance. That was in 5th grade.
6th grade, it all got worse. The attention that I did get, wasn't the right attention. I had boobs and most of the other girls did not. Somehow I knew that the looks were not of affection, but of lust. I was still chunky, but no longer the biggest girl in our grade. I had made a few more friends, all of them filled with joy, laughter, and skinny bodies. I remember Halloween that year. I wore a costume that had as much covering as I could possibly get, while my friends all wore cheerleader or other revealing outfits. No way, not for me.
14 years old. I slid my fingers down my throat for the first time. It was such a freeing feeling. The thought that I could eat whatever I wanted because in the end, I could just throw it up. The guy I was with didn't let me eat much anyway, because he didn't want me to become plump.
Started cutting at 15. Now between restricting and purging, I added cutting into the mixture. Being in an abusive relationship for 3 years can do some damage to you. Take away your self worth, your will to be alive, your friends and family, and any bit of self esteem you had left. Now I was this empty shell waiting for my time to come.
16; add a pregnancy and a baby into it all. A baby that I loved with all of my heart but knew that I wasn't capable of giving him the life he needed. A baby that went to a new family shortly after he was born. One less person to see me put myself through the stuff I was enduring.
At 18, another baby. But this time I was more stable. I was still in a downward spiral of my eating disorder, but I felt confident enough to raise my child. The light of my life. My reason to keep fighting.
20 years old. Married and another baby on the way. I was at my highest weight. I was taking diet pill constantly before I got pregnant. I didn't want to gain anymore weight.
After I had my youngest is when it all came flying back into my face. Restricting, lying, purging, laxatives; repeat. This has been my life. I've restricted when I could. Lied when I felt someone couldn't handle the truth. Purging every calorie that went into my body. And taking up to 15 laxatives a day. Before I went to treatment in September, I couldn't get off the floor by myself. I couldn't lift my son up to put him in his crib by myself. 84lbs was my rock bottom.
Gaining weight doesn't make you feel better. It doesn't mean you're healed from this terrible monster. Gaining weight puts you closer to a healthier life. But as long as you live with those voices in your head, as long as you give into something they have said, as long as you let this disease control you, you are not recovered. Having a healthy body and a healthy state of mind are two different things. Here I am, 10lbs up from my lowest weight, and those thoughts, voices, actions, still control my every move. Only when I can get up in the morning and truly love myself, will I be on the way to recovery. When I can look in the mirror and not see myself as fat, then I will be on my way. Until then, I have to utilize the tools I have and the support system I have and make steps everyday to get there. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving and an argument

I sat there in a tiny ball in the corner of my bathroom. I had been sitting there for 15 minutes arguing with Ana about whether or not I should purge my Thanksgiving dinner.
Ana: "I'm making you sit here because you know you should purge."
Me: "I only about 550 calories for dinner."
Ana: "Yeah, that's 250 more than you promised me you would have."
Me: "Yes, but I didn't eat all day before that."
Ana: "Just do it pansy. They all think you're doing it anyway."
Me: " They can tell whether or not I do it just by my eyes."
Ana: "If you don't purge, then you don't deserve anything else for the rest of the evening."
Me: "But there's still pie. Just a small piece."
Ana: "I swear if you do, you better fast tomorrow."
Me: "Fine. But I'm telling T about the laxies."
Ana: "Fucking bitch."
And I did. I told him that I didn't purge, but I did engage in other behaviors. I told him I used laxies today because I knew that I was going to have a major freak out over all of the food. He was upset, but we talked it through and in the end, he is probably a bit disappointed, but we overcame it. At least I hope so. So I had the pie. I regretted it right away. My plate had such a small amount on it, but yet, so many calories. I counted every single one as I put the fork into my mouth. I made a huge amount of deviled eggs because they go so fast in this house, and I did so good at resisting and not having one. I knew that if I had one, that it would turn into another, and so on and so forth.
On another note, I only have four Ambien left. I won't see the doctor until next week. Damn it. Taking those gives me a sense of security. Knowing that I won't be up with my nagging thoughts. But if I don't have them, what kind of trouble will my mind get me into? I'm also reading about Hypnosis and eating disorders. From what I've read, the individual needs to be willing to give up that control before the hypnosis can even begin. That's a scary thought. To know that there is a possibility that when you wake up from the hypnosis that you might not care whether or not you stuff your face. To not have that awareness of BMI or calories anymore. That's intimidating. Ruby did a post on going back in the past and whether or not you would change anything. I might get into that in my next post. I hope everyone in the U.S. had a great Thanksgiving, and I hope everyone else had a wonderful day. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Pill cocktail anyone?

I am on so many medications that I might as well just have them for dinner. There's enough in there to fill me up, and hey, less calories. I went to a new doctor this past week. She upped my dosage on one of my medications, started me on two more for anxiety, and is going to add another in a couple weeks for my depression. My anxiety came back right after my other doctor took me off my main anxiety medication about a month ago, and I'm tired of living with anxiety about everything, so I needed to do something about it. I was weighed. Still at 96lbs. Well at least I was on Thursday. Pretty sure it's gone up since then. I've been trying to stick to my meal plan and I'm pretty sure I've gained at least 3lbs. Which would be okay if it wasn't over the course of a few days. And this week is Thanksgiving. Ugh. I'm not going to be weighed this week neither. Damn it.
I'm sorry that I've been absent the last week or so. I promise I will get back to commenting and reading. This is going to be a short post. Hope everyone is doing okay. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

A brutally honest post

So first off, I am going to apologize for how negative this post might be. Last night writing in my journal, I learned that I will say things in there and not put them on here in fear of everyone being disappointed in me. Secondly, just because I'm writing like this tonight, doesn't mean I feel this way all the time. Just in the last few days. And finally, I'm writing this to hold me accountable. I need to get it all out and be done with it. It's honest, and there may a few people upset with how I feel currently, but do know that I am doing my best at recovery. OK, here we go...
I feel nothing short of a fat cow. My eating disorder has done nothing but beat me down these past few days. I can't even eat something that is around 200 calories without feeling completely guilty about it. I DO have an overwhelming urge to purge my food, but haven't given into it. I can't get dressed in front of my mirror because I can't stand what I see. I am trying so very hard to see how "beautiful" I am, all the things about me that make me unique and what not, but I just don't see it. I don't see what everyone else sees. Just like no one sees things in my perspective. Most people look at me and may think that I'm underweight or perfectly skinny, but in no way do I see this. All I can do is pick out every single imperfection about me. My hair is too frizzy and entirely too short now. My eyes and lips are too small and my nose is freaking huge. My face and neck are covered in blemishes. My arms are too jiggly. My stomach and thighs are huge and have stretch marks on them. My calves are gigantic and I have ugly feet. My boobs are too small and my ass is too fat. As a mom, I should be proud of my stretch marks. They prove that I did something special. But to me, they are just another thing on my body that doesn't belong. I see moms all the time with no stretch marks and I'm always jealous. 
Went and got family pictures today. Out of 69 shots, I can almost find something wrong with the way I look in all of them. Don't get me wrong, they were great photos, but I feel like I've gained too much weight and of course you can see it all in my face. T and the kids looked great. We got some great photos of all of us, some of just the kids, and some of just T and I. I would post a couple on here so everyone could see them, but I'm a bit embarrassed. But we got Christmas cards to send out, so I'm happy about that.
I apologize for the way this post came out, but I realized that I need to be comfortable writing something here just like I do in my journal, or else there's no reason to keep it. I have good days and I have bad days. Right now I am under a storm cloud and I'm waiting for the rainbow to show itself to me. Recovery is not out of my reach, I'm just not currently touching it. Ana tends to be a bit loud and distracting and sometimes I don't put enough effort to make that extra leap towards the end of all of this. Under the storm cloud, Ana is jumping in the puddles having a great time, while I sit under a tree trying not to get struck by lightning. This too shall pass and it will stop raining soon. This goes for everyone that is struggling with your eating disorder. We need to have patience and know that it won't ever go away for good, but we can put it in the back of our closets. Alright, that's my rant. Hope everyone is having a good day/night. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, November 11, 2012

7 new followers this week

I can't express how excited I am to have all of my new followers. To be honest, I thought when I started a pro recovery blog, I was going to lose a lot of my support on here. So thank you for taking interest in my journey.
So my latest update isn't the best. After my last post about needing a scale so I could just weigh myself once, I did it. It was straight "junkie thinking." I paid my neighbor kid 5 dollars to let me use his scale just so I could the number. I am ashamed of myself for going to that extreme just so I could be let down. If that number went up, then everyone would be proud of me. I would have people telling me what a good job I am doing. If that number went down, then there would be a lot of people pissed off at me for not trying harder. So I guess my result that I got was neither. That number stayed the same. Still 96lbs. Meaning I have been out of treatment for a little bit over a month now and I have only gained a pound. Ana is happy about this. And I guess in reality, she's winning. I'm fighting, but not well enough. I went to support group on Thursday. It was pretty emotional for me. Then I had my individual therapy on Friday. I cried. I feel like that I am failing as a mom. My oldest has some issues that I have been trying so hard to work through with his therapist and with him, but over the past week, more things have come up and now this coming week I have to have his therapist talk to him by herself for the first time to see if he will disclose anything to her that he wouldn't in front of me. A mother's worst nightmare. Sigh.
This weekend has been decent. Yesterday was a pretty motivating day until about 3pm. I went to a friend's baby shower. It was so much fun. We played games, got to enjoy presents, and eat.... Cake... This is about when I had my freak out. We didn't have to go up and get a piece ourselves. Her friend brought everyone a piece. So I felt obligated to eat it. Stupid fucking sweets, I swear. I was able to share half of it with my youngest, but the part that I did eat, was all icing. I can't help it. After that, I couldn't stop beating myself up. Over one small piece of cake damn it. I can't wait for the day until I can go to a social gathering as such and be able to be normal like everyone else. Not have my heart beating so hard that it's going to fall our of my chest. Or start sweating because my anxiety is through the roof. So after the shower, I had to drive home and it was snowing so bad. What normally would have been like a half hour trip took me close to an hour. I got lost. Thank God I have 4 wheel drive this winter. I talked to T when I got home about the cake and how upset I was at myself for eating it. Then when it came to dinner, I had no interest in making anything. I didn't want to smell food, touch food, let alone eat food. Finally I gave in and made myself some soup and sandwich. I also decided to be brave and drink my boost with dinner. Bad idea. I got really sick to my stomach and ended up vomiting my whole dinner. Notice I said vomit, not purge. For the first time, as long as I can remember, I didn't have to force myself to. I was sick the rest of the night.
I'm stressing about the weeks to come. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!! That's all it is. I expressed to T that I just want to skip Thanksgiving all together, but that's not going to happen. This is my first real test since being in treatment. I will make dinner for myself and everyone on Thanksgiving, and I will eat as well as I can without any behaviors. That's the promise to myself. And tonight for dinner, chicken and biscuits in the crock pot. Yeah, I'm pretty excited. I may not eat a whole servings worth, but I will do my best. Thank you all for the love and support. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I need a scale!!

This getting weighed only once a week is driving me insane. I miss my scale. I know T got rid of it because it would just enable me, but I'm not sure that is the case anymore. I need to know if I'm succeeding at this weight gain thing or failing miserably. That's how I feel. I feel like I suck at recovery. I can't stop beating myself up, I'm drinking tea and coffee like it's going out of style. I'm working on my 4th cup of coffee. I put pumpkin creamer in this one. OMG is it amazing. I will probably have another cup of coffee on my way to support group. My best friend and I are riding up together tonight. Yay. I watched a very interesting documentary about Dana, the 8 year old anorexic. Thank you so much ruby for recommending it. It was so sad to see this girl in an eating disorder state of mind at such a young age. And how all of the thoughts and behaviors that she had are just like mine. On the outside, a lot of people don't understand why we are the way we are. And like they said in the documentary, I have two people inside of my head. One is myself, the other is Ana. Ana is a controlling bitch. She's mean, she is deceitful, but she also knows me the best. She has always been there for me, and always stood by my side. Unfortunately, it was only to benefit her. All the things she has told me through the years have turned out to be lies. But yet, I still listen to her at times. She still tells me what is good for me and what is going to make me hate myself later. It's a vicious circle with her. When I first got home from treatment, I didn't have a problem eating my snacks or indulging in sweets every once in awhile, but now, I am trying my hardest to stay away from anything sweet. All I can think about is what I looked like before I lost all my weight and it scares me. I don't want to get back up there. I think I'm good where I'm at. I have curves again, but not near as big as they used to be. I know that my ideal weight is 110lbs. I could get there easily if I wouldn't give into these thoughts. If I wouldn't believe Ana when she tells me I am getting fat or that my tummy is disgusting. And I feel so lazy. I had the perfect opportunity to go to the gym today and work out. I didn't have either one of the boys and I had a couple hours to myself. But instead of going to the gym, I cleaned the whole house and did laundry. And sat on my ass and read blogs. I'm going to gain weight like crazy unless I can get motivated to do something. Ugh, I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I felt like venting. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Monday, November 5, 2012

Recovery focused day

Yesterday I woke up in a great mood. I am proud to say that I ate all 3 meals and all 3 snacks and didn't even give my eating disorder a single moment of my time. I had a very productive day of cleaning the whole house and then my car. It helps keep me distracted and makes everything more manageable. Then T and I made a huge pot of spaghetti sauce for last nights dinner and to freeze for future meals. It was nice to do it together and I enjoy making it and not buying it so that way I know what is going into it. I served the spaghetti with garlic bread and I even ate a piece. Most definitely not one of my safe foods but I pushed past it anyway. I am thinking about writing a letter to my therapist from treatment and letting her know how I'm doing and maybe send her a picture of the boys and I. Ugh, pictures. I need to get those done this month so I can get together Christmas cards. With this stupid time change, the boys are not adjusting very well. They were up before I was this morning, so I didn't even get a moment to myself for a cigarette quietly. But my oldest is at school and my youngest will be going down for a nap here soon, and then T and I are going to work out. I'm pretty excited because I haven't worked out in so long besides doing the ab wheel. Let me tell you, that thing is killing my abs so good lol. I am bound and determined to get rid of this belly fat and put the weight back on where I want it. I want to find a used stationary bike so that way I can work on my legs as well. I still have the gap, but it's very small. I don't want to go back to having legs where I don't feel comfortable in shorts again. One part of me is like, "You worked so hard to achieve the body you wanted, so why undo it all?" The other part of me is, "You are not getting fat, you are getting healthier, which will help you in the zombie apocalypse more." Sorry, watching too much The Walking Dead. That show is absolutely amazing and the way they just left last night, I don't wanna wait a whole week for another episode. If you haven't watched the show, you need to. But start from the beginning, otherwise you will be very confused. One more thing, thank you to my 3 new followers I got this week. Everyone's love and support puts a smile on my face. Much love.

Friday, November 2, 2012

I wish this was easy

Talk about over controlling eating disorder thoughts. They have been constantly racing through my head all day. "Don't eat that. It will make you fat." "You know you want to purge your dinner because you most definitely at way too much." "Look at all these pictures of models and hate yourself even more." Yes, I have spent the last half hour looking at pictures of models because they are so gorgeous. Those girls in Playboy are freaking perfect and I hate it. Why can't I be perfect? I've been trying to keep myself distracted so I don't go into the bathroom and purge my dinner like my eating disorder wants me to. I saw my therapist today. She has so much faith in me that I will beat this and I don't have to engage in behaviors. But like T pointed out last night. I am engaging in behaviors when I eat my meals but don't eat the amount of calories I need to. And in my eyes, I feel like I ate way too much dinner but in his eyes, he said I barely ate anything. He went back to work after dinner and being here alone with just my oldest is so very tempting. But I haven't given in yet. I went to my first support group since I left treatment last night. It was nice to be able to talk to other girls struggling and my best friend is also in that group, so that was nice. I also hung out with her for a few hours today and we got to have a deep conversation for the first time in a long while. I've missed her. I am doing grocery shopping tomorrow and for the first time in a long time, I am feeling high anxiety about it. I feel like I need to do a grocery list and actually stick to it so I don't have a major freak out at the store tomorrow. I've found myself looking at the calories on things again, but not really letting it affect whether I eat it or not. I just feel like I need to know how many calories are in it. So I think I am going to go and do my grocery list so I can avoid having that anxiety attack tomorrow. Have a good night.
XOXO Katie