Sunday, February 10, 2013

Near death

I put off writing this post yesterday because of everything that has been going on, and I was still trying to recover from the events that took place on Friday night. Something both terrible and miraculous happened to me that night, and I'm going to try to describe it from what T had told me what happened...
I was in the middle of cooking dinner for T, his dad, and I when I started to feel extremely nauseous. I went to the bathroom, leaned over the toilet, and sat there and gagged. Nothing was coming up, but I felt so sick. Then I sat down, curled up in a ball with my arms around my legs and called for T. When he came in, I told him I felt really sick, but I couldn't throw up. I told him something didn't feel right. That something was wrong. He was rubbing my back when I leaned to the side and rested my head on the shower door. This is the last thing I remember.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital, hooked up to an IV, the heart monitor stickers all over my body, and my nurse closely watching me from outside my door. She came in and sat down. Started asking me simple questions like where I was, what month it was, just things like that.
Apparently, this is what happened. After I leaned onto the shower door, T asked me if I felt like I needed to go to the hospital. He didn't get any response from me. Again, he asked a minute later if I needed to go. When he didn't get a response out of me the second time, he went and took dinner out of the oven, told his dad he had to take me, and came back in to take me out to the car. He said when he picked me up, that my body wasn't dead weight like normally it would be, but it was completely stiff. I was stuck in that curled up, almost fetal position. He put me in the car and hauled ass to the hospital. He said that while he was driving, my breathing was really fast, as if I was almost crying.
When we got to the hospital, he told them about my late stages of anorexia. He was highly irritated with the charge nurse because she wasn't taking it as any big thing. He said she was taking her time getting me admitted into the ER. Apparently while I was in the wheelchair, he said that I was still stuck in that fetal position and my legs were just dangling off the front. I was shaking, non responsive and breathing too fast.
Finally they got me back to a room and a male nurse had to lift me out of my chair and put me on the bed. They got me hooked up to the vitals. This is when T's dad took a short video of what was happening. It showed the screen of my vitals. My heart rate was 128, and my oxygen was at 90. Then the video shows me in the bed for a couple seconds, in the almost fetal position, shaking terribly.
One of the things that really scared the doctors was that when a nurse was lifting up my arm to do something, he let go of it, and instead of it falling back down, my arm just stayed put. Stiff up in the air.
The next few hours were spent trying to wake me up. They told T that they were trying everything to get me up. My doctor told him that I was in the very late stages of Anorexia and my mind had shut my body down. I was in a catatonic shock. Pretty much comatose.  That medically, my labs and everything they did looked fine, but that I was non responsive.
Right before I woke up, something happened to me. I was standing below this extremely tall mountain looking up for the sun. Slowly, it started to rise. The most magnificent, biggest sun I had ever seen. And as it was rising, I realized that I could stare at this sun and it wouldn't hurt my eyes at all. And then it happened. He spoke to me. I had my push, my sign, the one I've been so desperately looking for. My miracle. It was God. And he told me that I have so many people that love me. So many people that want to see me live from this. This isn't how I'm meant to go. That I have so much more to live for. I promised him that I would change. Then I woke up.
I know this sounds crazy. And every time I describe what happened, I feel like I've gone nuts. But this was it. And when I finally came around and was talking coherently, I told T that I was excited. That I was ready. I'm going to do this.
And yesterday, I did very well. I ate all 3 of my meals, and even some cherry crisp. I did weigh myself yesterday, but I'm not even going to consider it a real number because I'm sure they put fluids in me while I was in the hospital. I have to admit, this was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I AM convinced that Friday was supposed to be my night. That was Ana's final game. She was going to kill me. I was going to die Friday night. But I didn't. I was saved, and I woke up this morning feeling extremely grateful for another chance. Much love.
XOXO Katie


  1. I am so glad, happy, relieved that you are still here. I'm not religious, but I believe that God speaks to us in our times of true need. It happened to me and I've changed for the better, and I think you will as well. You truly are a beautiful person, inside and out.

  2. I read this entire post with chills up my spine. I can't imagine how scary that must have been for you! I believe you, you aren't crazy. Now, kick this disorder in the ass- we (us, T, your boys) don't want you that close to dying again! I'm so glad you're alright now though; I want to hug you so bad. Love you Katie, we all do xxx

  3. I'm so relieved that you're still here, I believe in God and I think this was his way of telling you that you're stronger than you think and you can get better. We all love you so much, take care of yourself<3 xxx

  4. Omg sweetheart this it must have been so scary for you and everyone around you @_@ You are so brave, Im proud of you my sweetheart <3
    Im soooo happy that you are alright and that He gave you just the push you need. Because its true, there are so many people who wish you the best and love you so much and need you to get better. You just needed to hear it from Him.
    All my love hunny,
    Im hoping and praying for you
    <3 Big Hugs.

  5. Wow, that is incredible Katie, it really is
    I hope and pray that this is a turning point for you
    You came so very close and that is truly scary
    I'm glad you are home safe and sound
    And that's great that you managed to eat 3 meals
    That's a fantastic start
    Remember you have many people that love you and we are all here to support you
    Take baby steps and they will add up to be big changes
    Go easy on yourself
    Be kind to yourself

    All my love x

  6. I'm so glad you're alive.

    You amaze me.

    All my love.

  7. Oh darling this is beautiful I am so sorry you went through that but I am so glad you are ok.. Love you loads xx

  8. Remember this Katie! Any time you hear "Ana's" voice remember what you saw! Ana wants you dead, GOD wants you to live! I am so happy this happened, sad it was so tramatic but happy that you have chosen to live:)

    I'm so proud...that was corny, lol!

    Sending you a hug!

  9. WOW. First of all, can I say I'm extremely glad that you lived?
    What you experienced sounds magical, and i hope you can stay inspired by it. Ana didn't win, and she never will.

  10. I'm so glad you're okay Katie! You are meant to be here and you can do this, you are doing well so far, eating all your meals, that's great. Good luck sweetie and please take care <3
    Alice xx

  11. This is beautiful moment,scary but beautiful! I'm so happy that you're still here and you really got the kick to motivate you to get better. Feel this moment Katie, I believe in many kind of things and this shows that you have still a lot of things to do. You really got so much love on your side that you can beat her because that's the kind of evil she is. Taking killing in front of the eyes of the one's who love you and causing so much pain that it tries to change to hate. She's really lonely and sad that little thing called ana. You're not crazy, you just experienced the faint lines we have with the dead and the other things we cannot see daily basis.

    I'm so glad that you're safe! ❤❤❤

  12. I am so happy for you! never forget this moment and this second chance...I am soooo happy you are ok. We are all here for you and rooting for you in your new determination!

  13. Reading this... just wow. I cried. It takes me back to the night Ana tried to take my little sister from us. It's horrifying and mentally, it is a crippling experience. On the other hand, this is truly inspiring to read. Just remember this when you are having a bad day... you beat Ana. Maybe you don't remember all of it, but this means one thing: you DO have the strength to get through this.

    I can't express how happy I am that you are here. You're ALIVE. You are a strong girl, and incredibly courageous to share your stories with everyone here.

    I pray from the bottom of my heart that this is your chance to turn everything around, and nip Ana in the bud. No one said that it was going to be an easy ride to endure, but after reading this, I have no doubt that you'll be able to.

    You are in all my thoughts and prayers.

    <3 xoxoxo

  14. I'm glad this happened to you then. Never forget what you saw and that feeling. You will need to call on it again when times get hard. Keep fighting for health. Get better!

  15. What you went through sounds very scary. I'm glad that you are safe at home now. I'm on meds now to help my eating disorder. It's slow going though, ugh! Well, I am so grateful that you're still with us!


  16. Havn't seen a post from you and it worries me! I hope you are well!!! <3

  17. I have goosebumps. I hope you are doing better.

    <3 Melissa

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