Sunday, February 3, 2013

Sorry I've been hiding

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I know quite a bit of you have been worried about me, and it doesn't make it better when I go so long without posting. I appreciate all the love and prayers I have been receiving from all of you. In all honesty, I've been hiding away from the world for the last week. I've barely been on facebook neither. So where to start?
I'm 83lbs. Been here for a few days. It's fluctuated up and down, but hasn't gone any lower. But apparently 83lbs isn't sick enough to some people, some people that are in charge of me getting into treatment. I don't want to go into too much detail because we are trying to get everything figured out. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I might end up doing Intensive Outpatient Therapy this week and then go inpatient next week. Fucking insurance has fucked me over this past week. But IOP still consists of me being seen everyday. Classes and appointments, but not staying in the house this week.
I've been extremely emotional since they told me. This is why I've been away. But because insurance didn't get the whole story and they heard only what they wanted to hear, my therapist, my DBT counselor and a few other people have to fight them to get me IP next week.
I said bye to my boys this week. That was really hard. But this time when I come back, I will be a better mom to them and a better girlfriend to T. After dropping my youngest off with his dad yesterday, T and I went through a short drive in the mountains. It was nice and relaxing. So if I don't get IP this week, it gives us this week to spend together just the two of us. But I am really hoping we get this shit with insurance figured out. I knew something bad was going to happen with them.
Being only 83lbs is kicking my ass. I have been throwing up so much these last few days. Not on purpose either. It usually happens about a half hour after I eat. I just can't stomach food. I have been spending a great deal of my time sitting on the couch. I feel "bed" ridden because I can't stand for long periods of time, I get dizzy and come close to falling over. It's terrible. Also the laxies haven't gotten better. I still have to take them to be anything close to normal. Which is destroying my stomach and my sleeping. I can't sleep worth a shit right now. I'm up too many times in the middle of the night. I fell asleep on the bathroom floor last night.
And on top of everything, I finally caught the cold that everyone has had. The problem with being so underweight, this cold is kicking my ass more than it would be if I was healthy. T said that he's worried it will turn into pneumonia for me because my immune system can't handle it like everyone else's can. Today is Superbowl. Not a big celebration in our house this year. T's dad is coming over and I'm making snacks and what not and then dinner, but T and I went out to brunch this morning and I ate entirely too much. Threw some of it up because my stomach couldn't handle it. So I might not eat dinner when they do. We'll see. So tomorrow I go and meet with the doctor down at the ed clinic and then he will make a case to insurance about why I should be admitted into IP instead of IOP. So I would appreciate all the prayers I can get this week. I hope you are all doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie


  1. 83 lbs .. Im so happy that you're going back into treatment .. I really hope you figure everything out with the insurance and I'm sure you will come back, an even better mother than you already are. I've been so worried about you and counting down the days until 4 feb, which is almost here. I pray for you, and for your family. You can beat this .. I know it <3
    This won't be like the last time, because this time, when you get home, you will take the time you need to fully recover at home.. You know we are all here for you!

    Wishes you all the best and I know your boys will be so happy when you come back, and T too!

    Xx Jo <3

  2. Katie dearest I'm so glad you posted
    I was thinking about you just today, wondering if you were ok
    It is such a fucked up world that the health care we receive largely depends on how much money we have
    Surely we should look after those in need first
    And you are in need of help Katie
    Your life depends on it
    I know you want to live
    You have a family, a home, a life
    Anorexia preys on us
    I have no doubt that she wants us dead
    Please don't let that happen to you
    Don't become another statistic
    Don't let that be how your story ends
    I know you feel weak but you have an inner strength
    It shines through
    I'm hoping and praying that inpatient happens for you
    Fight for your life
    For your health
    For your sanity
    For your boys
    Fight as hard as you can
    I'm trying to

    Sending you hope, faith, courage, all my love and a hug

    I believe in you x

  3. 83 lbs.. Wow.
    It sounds like you're having a stressful week, and I can understand. Or try to.
    I don't know really anything about what you're going through, so I can't help there. I won't lie.
    But I do want you to know that i'm here, and i'm cheering for you. I hope you get into IP next week. And if you do, I hope it helps you. I want the best for you.
    Don't give up. Keep fighting. Fight until you can't fight anymore, and then keep fighting. Don't give up. I believe in you. Love you. Keep your head up.
    Sending you well wishes. Xxxx

  4. Katie,

    I can't help but feel every emotion you put into writing this post; it was painful for me to read. It takes me back to when my little sister was battling her sickness, and ended up in a couple hospitals and inpatient systems. I can tell you it was definitely not a highlight of my life to watch her become so fragile before my own eyes.

    Like my sister, I know as well as anyone else here that YOU CAN MAKE IT. I know that you are strong enough to fight back. This is probably the biggest struggle you've ever had to face, but we are all here, rooting for you at the finish line.

    You sound incredibly determined, and I admire that so much from you. I know you can fight this off. Fight for your loved ones, the betterment of your health, and most importantly, fight for YOU.

    Every single one of us is here for you, whether we know each other or not. You're gonna make it; just you wait!

    I just want you to know that you are in my prayers, thoughts, and best wishes.

    Above all, never lose sight of what you want. Dreams and wishes are powerful things.

    <3 xoxoxo

  5. I'm so sorry you are ill, I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and hope you don't get pneumonia...I've had it and it sucked so much.

  6. Hey there sweetheart,
    It sucks so hard that your in this situation :( I wish I could take care of you.
    You are such a strong and lovely lady, if anyone can get through all that shit, its you <3 Im hoping and praying for your recovery sweetheart,you gotta stay strong for all you believe in <3
    Take care of yourself, you are important
    Lots of love sweetie,

  7. I'm so sorry you're not having the best time at the moment - all my thoughts are with you, and I really hope you get/feel better soon, also for your boys and for T. The mountain sounds like such a relaxing getaway, it must have been nice to wander around and escape a little.
    I look forward to your next update

    Princess xxxx

  8. Wow, that's so awful that they would reject you from treatment for not being a certain weight! And 83 pounds is very very low, so I think it's ridiculous that it's not low enough for them.
    Treatment sounds like a good plan, and I'm sure we're all proud of you for choosing to go into it. Good luck!

  9. I hate it when the practical things make getting help so hard. You need it, you really, really need it and pray here that things will work out for you the best way. 83lb is really low and I'm sure your boys will some day be so proud of their mother for beating this illness for the family. Good luck darling, it's rough path to go but at least that takes you off the one that ends up to the free falling from the cliff. To make it to the bridge you need to go through the jungle, but you can do it.

    My heart is with you and I truly hope the best to all of you! <3

  10. I really hope you get into inpatient since it sounds like that's what's best for you. I'm also glad IOP is starting so hopefully you can start getting better as soon as possible. You deserve it. You have been such an angel with your words of encouragement on all of my posts, I hope you know how much it means to me. I am not very religious, but you are in my heart and my thoughts and I truly hope you start feeling better soon, mentally and physically.

  11. I hope insurance figures their stuff out. Dealing with insurance due to a car accident my friend got into while using my car has made me genuinely believe that the majority of insurance agents are given lessons on how to be incompetent. While I'm not really the praying kind, I will definitely keep you in my thoughts. I truly hope you get to go to inpatient next week. You being healthy will be such a wonderful gift for an already wonderful mom to give her children. Your boys, T included, are so lucky to have you. We're all here for you every step of the way.

  12. Just was thinking about you love, wishing the best to you. Lots of hope and prayers for you <3
    Keep fighting, all my love xx