Reliving can be so depressive. Laying on my bed, holding the necklace with my brother's ashes brings me comfort but also feelings of loneliness. The room is dimly lit from the sunshine through my red curtains. My bedroom is my safe place. It's the only room that is away from all the craziness of my life. It's my sanctuary. I run away to there when I'm overwhelmed, but unfortunately my time in there is limited. It only lasts for a few minutes before a kid is screaming or dogs are barking or dinner is waiting to be made.
My fears and anxiety are taking over my daily life. But they always have to be put on the back burner because my life does not call for attention to be brought to myself. I am expected to take care of everyone else. Which actually I'm not complaining about because I enjoy being the caretaker. I like the feeling of being needed.
I had my phone assessment with the treatment center about an hour ago. The lady is different from the last one I dealt with, but she was very nice and understanding. She patiently listened and took notes on the other side of the phone. I cried, and she had me relive so much of my past. As if I don't already live with my past, but having to openly discuss the abuse or rapes or losing my beloved brother makes it more depressing. This lady told me that she isn't even sure my insurance is going to cover me because, are you ready for this; "your weight isn't at the lowest it's ever been. You might not be sick enough." Yes, that is what she said to me. So now we play the waiting game just as we did the last time I was denied.
My oldest son had a med check up this morning. His doctor listened intensely while I described to him my son's behavior not only at home but how he has been at school as well. Parent/teacher conferences did not go well yesterday. My son's teacher described in detail how my son's violent tendencies are starting to show at school. He has been written up for hitting a boy in the stomach and another time for twisting a little girl's arm. I was a bit upset because instead of calling me on the days when these incidents happened, she waited a month or more to tell me. So not only has my son's meds not been working for his ADHD for about a month now, he is becoming more violent. So I'm talking to his pediatrician and he starts talking about the mood disorder my son was diagnosed with last year. Ultimately, his doctor prescribed him a new medication, but not for his ADHD this time, but instead it's an antipsychotic. That's such a scary word. I'm terrified at how my son is going to make it in this world with the way he is. I try my hardest to help him but I feel defeated.
So this is another fear that is overwhelming me today. What is going to become of my son in a world that is so cruel? How is society going to treat him with the labels that he already has and he's only 6. I have countless papers and print outs and a journal full of stuff that has to deal with him. I'm trying. But I'm just a block. This wall I've come to just will not budge. Here we are, just, stuck.
I had a bowl of cereal today. Last night I spent 3 hours to make a 3 layer cake from scratch for T's dad's birthday. It came out beautiful. Tonight we are celebrating his birthday. I am making a simple, delicious dinner for everyone, but I will not eat. With my mood, I know that it will just be purged anyway, so why bother. But it will be a lovely evening, just as long as I don't have to eat. I hope you all are doing well. Lots of Love.
XOXO Katie
I can't believe she made such a blunt comment about your weight. As if we don't think it enough without other people telling us. You'd think they'd already have notes on your trauma if you've been there before. I find it harder to talk about if they're just taking notes because it's not therapeutic at all, it's just documenting it.
ReplyDeleteI hope the new meds help your son. My brother has Asperges, though when he was younger they thought it was ADD and he had a lot of violent tendencies. It took years to find the right meds. Do you know if there are any support groups for parents of ADHD kids near you? I wonder if talking to other parents in your situation might help.
Good luck with insurance, I hope they pull through for you. xx
What a lousy comment... i mean there's no way you could reach the lowest weight ever every time before going to the treatment. Seriously, there's a point where you will just die. I'm angry, really angry about that.
ReplyDeleteBut I hope things will work out well with your oldest, I can't imagine how scary that must be for you... on top of your own situation right now. I really think that Bella there has a good idea to look for the support groups.
Hugs sweetie, I still believe it's going to be ok someday <3
It saddens me that people sometimes make such insensitive comments. I know they are only doing their job but still it's as if people are being treated more as commodities instead of as human beings.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about the difficulties you are facing with your son who has ADHD. I hope his new medication works. My therapist told me before that it is important to be able to find the right medication because this would help a lot in alleviating the symptoms of the disorder.
Sending you lots of love and hugs... ♡♡♡
They say that as long as you love someone they're never really gone. That's bullshit.
ReplyDelete/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
♥