A real update

I wish having an eating disorder was as glamorous as most outsiders think it is. Unless you are the one suffering or a close family member to the person with the ed, you have a very different perspective of what an eating disorder is. When people that I don't hardly know find out that I have an eating disorder, their reaction is usually, "oh" or "I wish I had that kind of will power, but I just love food too much." That latter reaction is probably the one that irks me off. Granted, it does take some sort of strength to have an eating disorder, but not the encouraging kind. Not something to be proud of.
Over the course of the last couple of years, I have met some very strong ladies who live with this terrifying disease. Each and every one of them is just like me. Some want recovery but don't have the proper support to do so. Some want to recover, but are too afraid to gain weight. Then there are those of us that NEED to recover and gain weight, but are too tight in the grips of the eating disorder.
Last night I finally confessed to T that I have been purging everyday. He was a bit disappointed, but more concerned on how he could help me. I know exactly how this is going to turn out if I continue down this path.
I am back to taking laxies everyday as well. 7 seems to be my average at the moment. I went and saw my doctor the other day, and she is upping the dosage on my Ambilify in hopes of helping with my moods. T told my doctor that as of currently, I have two moods only. Either I'm extremely depressed, crying all the time, or I am in a fantastic mood, smiling all the time. He doesn't see the moods in between, but I am well aware of them being there. There are times when I am happy, but I've got a lot of shit on my mind, so I'm quiet. Most of the time, he takes that as I'm depressed.
I've also been smoking a whole lot more lately. About a pack and a half a day. Sometimes 2. It hasn't been good for me because I can't get over this cough I've had for the past 3 weeks, but I can't quit smoking. It's such a release for me.
I am supposed to meet with a friend for lunch today. Yes, I do plan on purging it. I can't eat out at a restaurant and be able to keep the food down. If I can't track the calories, it's frightening. The main reason why I'm going is because I'm trying to make new friendships and not distance myself from everyone. Last year when my eating disorder took over my life, I made sure I didn't hang around anyone. I isolated myself. I'm not going to let that happen again. If I'm going to embrace Ana, then I am going to be honest with everyone around me.
On a final note, I am starting counseling again next week. I'm not sure how it's going to go. I hate that I have to start with a new therapist. AGAIN. I have been through so many already, and Jenn, my last one, was probably the best I had. I just wish she would have been able to keep me despite my insurance.
I hope this post finds all of you ladies well. Much love