Saturday, July 27, 2013's a secret

I'm probably going to start writing on this blog again because honestly, I feel like I can't put what I've been going through on my "recovery" blog...
I've relapsed. There, I said it. I'm engaging in behaviors. Restricting and purging. Purging and restricting. Going to the gym again. I want to be tiny again. Fragile. Light as a feather. Everyone tells me that I have the body that every girl wants, but no, I really don't. My thighs are touching again (ugh), my ass is huge, and my stomach is still so fat.
Looking back to when I started recovery, I was so motivated. I had so much drive to beat my eating disorder once and for all. But over the course of the last couple months, I've lost it. I don't have a desire of gaining anymore weight. Since Feb. I have gained 15lbs. I don't look sick anymore, which is a plus, but people are constantly telling me how "healthy" I look now. And you know how I'm gonna take that. "Hey Katie, you're getting fatter. That's awesome!"
There is one difference now than before. I'm not depressed all the time. I can actually have a good time with my loved ones and my kiddos. I can usually smile through most of the day. But there has been a significant change in my sleeping. Well, I pretty much don't. I get into bed late, wake up a few times in the middle of the night, and wake up early. I go through my days running on about 2 hours of sleep. Which makes me want to crash really hard in the middle of the day. Some days I take a nap with my boys. But even doing that is hard for me.
I'm not taking the laxies like I used to. But I really only eat one meal a day. And most days, I don't even keep that down. Today I went to the gym and decided to have a protein drink afterwards. When I got home, I purged it. I'm constantly smoking to keep the urge of eating down.
Wow, it feels really nice to finally be able to get this all out. I haven't had anyone to talk to. My best friend who has also lived with her ED as long as I have, is doing really well in recovery, so there is no way I would go to her about it. So I've been keeping it all inside. It's been driving me insane. On the plus side of finally writing in here again, I get to hear from all you lovely ladies. I have missed you all so much. I'm sorry I've been so disconnected. I hope you all are well and I can't wait to get reconnected with you guys. Much love.
XOXO Katie