So yesterday I made ramen for lunch,
I knew I was going to purge it,
But it just sounded too good to pass up.
While in the bathroom purging,
I started having chest pains,
And there was blood in my vomit.
With the chest pains,
I thought I was having,
Another heart attack.
So I drove myself to the hospital,
They did an EKG and had me
Hooked up to a heart monitor.
Then they did an ultrasound,
And that's where they found out,
I had tore a hole in my esophagus.
They gave me some fluids,
Some pain meds,
And this numbing medication,
That I had to swallow.
They sent me home with the numbing stuff,
And want me to take it
For the next week.
The hole wasn't big enough,
To need stitches,
Thank God.
They told me to be on liquids,
For the next few days,
Which for the most part,
I think I can handle.
I did have cereal for breakfast
This morning, which was painful,
And my throat is so sore.
I did gain a pound since yesterday,
But I'm blaming that on the fluids,
That they gave me through the IV.
Honestly, I don't know if this scares me,
Enough to quit the purging,
Which is a sad realization.
I feel like Ana has her hands,
Tightly wrapped around my throat,
And she won't stop squeezing.
I feel like I'm stuck again,
In this vicious cycle,
Of my eating disorder behaviors.
Do you think this would scare you,
To stop your eating disorder behaviors?
To stop the things you do every day?
I would love to hear from you,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie
Most definitely it would scare me but I guess that would depend on which time. When I was really sick I was restricting only. I injured my hip high jumping and it's slightly twisted now thanks to poor nutrition and trying to use it anyway. My kidneys weren't doing well either so that was my epiphany moment. During my relapse I uses laxatives but only once or twice a a month because I read your bowels can become dependent and it hurts your system. I purged for a bit until there was a little blood and I would quit. Nothing was ever worth being a bigger idiot than I was already being, in my mind. I wanted to be able to use my body and anything besides restricting was too much of a risk.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better and find a way to cut back. ♡
Oh Katie, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm proud of you for getting yourself to the hospital and I'm glad it wasn't a heart attack. I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to tear your esophagus. Rest up as much as you can, I hope you feel better soon. I don't know if it'd 'scare me straight' or not. So far, I don't scare easily with regards to my health.
ReplyDeleteI got your email earlier, I'll try to reply first thing tomorrow, sorry my head's just a bit of a mess right now (but what else is new!) but just letting you know I've got it and will reply ASAP.
Sending love and hugs and healing energy your way xx
Well it happend almost the same to me some days ago, but I didn't go to the hospital. Blood was not so much and the pain in my chest slowly faded away. So I decided not to go. I hoped this would have stopped me from purging...but it didn't. Next day here we go again. I was scared to see blood again, but I couldn't resist and anyway I didn't see it.
ReplyDelete