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Even when I said I wouldn't,
I went up to 96.6lbs.
This is what happens when I don't take control,
When I try to escape my eating disorder,
I get fatter and fatter by the minute.
I went out to lunch today with my 'uncle'
And I ate a half of sandwich and half a bowl of soup,
After taking 12 laxatives already for the day.
I came home and I purged it,
I couldn't help it,
The food could not continue to sit in there.
My plan for the day is to take 6 more laxies,
Skip dinner,
And pretend this whole thing didn't happen.
I need to get rid of that extra pound and a half,
I can see it all over my body,
I can feel it bulging out of my clothes.
I'm so depressed right now,
I just want to crawl under a rock,
And sleep away the rest of the day.
T wants to go to the gym after he gets off work,
And I know that I should go,
It's been almost 3 weeks since I've been.
It's just I feel so down right now,
That I don't know if I have the motivation,
To take my fat self to the gym around all those skinnies.
I know that I am probably overreacting,
But I can't help but feel that if I eat anymore,
I might just explode.
The sun is even shinning and it's decently warm outside,
But not even that can lift my spirits,
I just want to rip my own skin off.
I'm sorry for such a depressing post,
I hope that you're all doing better than me.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie
Katie, you are a beautiful person inside and out. Even though ed likes to make you feel bad and miserable about yourself, I KNOW that somewhere in there is KATIE, and she is proud of how hard you work to take care of your boys and your man AND yourself. Sometimes, we have to be okay with staying where we are - it's still success because we aren't falling backwards. I hope you can decrease your laxie use by substituting in fiber. I know that you can do it - you just have to start. I've got a letter to pop in the mail for you btw! Text me whenever you want. So much love and support, XOXO
ReplyDeleteKatie, I'm going to be brutally honest with you right now. How many people do you know besides maybe other people with EDs that weigh 96 pounds? Seriously? And maybe people under 4 foot 8 and children. Fat? If I saw you at my gym I would be staring and then asking the bf how they make such small humans like I usually do when I see skinny people. When I saw your photo of you in your dress I was like wow. Not wow, what a heifer, no, wow she is so small. You can't see it, I get that, but logically 96 pounds is the size of a 12 year old. You can't escape your body. You can't. You were born Katie and you're going to die Katie. You're going to live the life you were given and it's a damn shame if you're going to live it far under what you're capable of. Life is too short to hate yourself. Life is too short to pre occupy yourself with how fat you think you are and how horrendous of a person you are for reasons that aren't true. Go out and live! Stop telling yourself you're fat. Challenge that thought. You looked into beauty school. Get into it as soon as possible and show yourself that you're capable of accomplishing great things. Fight that voice. Tell yourself kind things. I love you and I hate hearing all this. I hate hearing you think you're fat and that you're no good and this and that. You're beautiful and a fighter.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, I'm sorry it's upset you so much. I could go on and on about how it's within the range of normal fluctuation, that you haven't really gained 1.5lbs of fat in 48 hours, but I know you already know that, even if your ED says otherwise.
ReplyDeleteLike Calla said, I really hope you can decrease your laxative use by getting some extra fiber in. I use a dissolvable powder in my morning coffee, though you can also get fiber pills which might be good for you.
I hope you feel better in the morning. I started writing your email tonight, sorry it's taking my slow head a while but I don't want you thinking I've forgotten or anything. Sending love and hugs <3 xx
I understand where you're coming from. But you know you'll feel better after a workout. I always do. I believe in you, and I know you can be happy again. Xx
ReplyDelete