Here it is...well kinda....

I was scrolling through Facebook today and found an article titled "How women handle eating disorders during pregnancy." Like holy shit, there's something out there that I can relate to. And for the most part, that was the case. Except the two women who were in the interview were anorexic and I couldn't completely relate to that part. Technically, I am an anorexic bulimic. A person who doesn't eat but when they do, they will purge it.
So anyway, the first woman, Jennifer, stated that she wanted to get pregnant. And, like me, despite the doctors telling her it wasn't in her best interest since she was so enveloped with her ED, she got pregnant. Like me, it took her about 6 months to get pregnant. And like me, she had this preconceived (excuse the pun) notion that once she got pregnant, the ED would just disappear. Wouldn't that be just wonderful? Here is the link if you want to watch the video. It's about 28 minutes long.
The second woman, whose name happened to be Katie, she sounded a lot like me as well. One of the biggest things I found interesting with her is that after she had her first daughter, she gave up breastfeeding because of the overwhelming amount of food you have to eat to sustain breast milk.
These two woman, who I will point out had successful pregnancies and healthy babies, were someone I could relate to; but there is a significant difference. And that is the fact that Ana is still there every single day with me. Dictating what I eat, if it will put too much weight on me. Telling me that I will NEVER lose the baby weight. She is still there yelling terrible things at me.
One thing I do want to point out is that I KNOW that I need to be eating and eating well. I KNOW that I will gain weight, it's inevitable. I KNOW that if I want to have a healthy baby, that that baby is counting on me to give her that life. (That's right, I did say HER!!!) Unfortunately morning sickness has completely ruled me this pregnancy. And for the last week, I haven't been able to keep ANYTHING down. I actually was sent to the hospital this morning to receive IV fluids to keep me hydrated.
I think this is the most frustrating part of my pregnancy. Is knowing that I want my daughter to be healthy when she arrives, but my body is not allowing me to gain much weight. (My pre-pregnancy weight was 105. Last week I was 112. This morning I was 111.) So in all actuality, I have lost weight due to morning sickness. This is a pretty touchy topic with T. He understands that I am constantly throwing up due to morning sickness, but I believe somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks Ana has something to do with it. And maybe she does and I just don't see it?
I mean, it's not like I'm sticking my fingers down my throat to make myself throw up, but maybe somewhere hidden deep in the back of my brain, my body has trained itself to not allow food to stay in my body? I don't know honestly.
I had my "official" ultrasound last week and the tech and doctor say that our baby is growing healthy. That she is in the 53rd percentile for her growth, which is good. I think the reason why I am so frustrated with it all is that when I first found out I was pregnant, I was completely honest with my OB about my ED and all the struggles I've been through, not only the last 3 years especially, but the last 14 years that I've lived with it. And she didn't seem too concerned. And honestly, she doesn't seem too concerned with the little amount of weight I've gained. I mean, I am 21 weeks and have only gained a total of 6lbs. How is that not alarming to her?
I sit up for a minimum of 45 minutes every night imagining what the rest of my pregnancy is going to be like if this morning sickness continues. Does that mean that my daughter is going to have a low birth weight? Am I going to feel like world's shittiest mother because I couldn't do more? These thoughts are never ending. I am constantly battling my mind in one way or another. And it's exhausting.
Sorry for such a long post, but there was a lot of shit I needed to get off my chest. I hope you're all doing well, and I am slowly catching up on reading your ladies' blogs. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie