Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Pregnancy and Ana

So the assumption was that as soon as I got pregnant, that Ana would just disappear and I would be fully recovered. I wish that was the case. I wish that as soon as I got pregnant that the terrorizing voices would dissipate, but they are still there on a daily basis. Especially if I eat triggering foods.
The other night I ate Ramen for the first time in months. It was terrible. The only reason why I ate them is because I was literally craving it. Even as I was eating them, I was regretting it. And after I was done, all I wanted to do was purge them. I mean, this is a food that I would eat just for the soul purpose of purging it in the past.
This is just one of the many struggles that I deal with daily. I am still smoking pot. My doctor knows and pretty much told me that the benefits outweigh the risks. Smoking takes away the anxiety and helps me eat. But if I don't smoke, I don't have an appetite and then I won't eat. It's terrible.
My weight has gone up 6lbs since I found out I was pregnant. Most days I can deal with it, other days, I am dreading how much weight I am going to gain throughout the pregnancy. Since I was considered underweight at the beginning of my pregnancy, they want me to gain 35lbs. This terrifies me. That would put me at 140lbs again. That's what I weighed before I became hard and heavy into my eating disorder.
T worries that I will go running back to Ana as soon as the baby comes, and honestly I can't blame him. It's such an easy thing to turn to when you're desperate. I am not saying that I will turn to my eating disorder once the baby comes, but I am not going to lie; it would be really simple to turn to something so familiar.
I am seeing my therapist this morning. I've only seen her once since I found out I was pregnant. At the time I was so ecstatic about being pregnant, I didn't eve think that I would ever have to deal with Ana again. As I've gotten further along, I've realized that isn't the case. I've realized that pregnancy isn't the fix all for an eating disorder.
I love being pregnant. I love the idea of bringing another life into this world and sharing that experience with the love of my life. I'm excited to be a mom again and hopefully this time to a little girl. There are far too many boys in this house lol.
I'm not saying this will be an easy journey, because I'm pretty sure there are a lot of bumps in the road ahead, but I'm not going to let Ana win. I can't give her the satisfaction of being right all the time and not allowing me to have a life without her in it. She will always be there, but I don't have to let her drive any longer. I'm in control, this is my life, not hers.
Thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. I miss you all so dearly and I can't wait to get updates from all of you.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

4 comments:

  1. It's a lot to deal with Katie
    I can't imagine how hard it is to be pregnant and have an ED
    All you can do is your best and take care of yourself as best you can
    I can't tell you how happy I am for you
    I would love children myself but I am not sure if I can have them

    Be safe and much love x

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  2. A child is not a right, you know? It is not something that is given to you in hope that you will recover. Being anorexic and pregnant can seriously hurt the baby, I sincerely hope you get better asap if you plan on giving birth to that child.

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  3. For all your decisions ahead, wishing you luck.

    That's way too much on a plate at once.

    take care
    xx

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